Janet Li

Janet Li Mar 2012

Jenga

Everyone is so
scared.
How could you not be?
The only way that could happen
is if you'd planned your whole life out from the start--
very carefully stacking block upon block,
building your massive tower to your dream destination.
What do you do when you get there, though,
when you’re done?
You keep stacking towards your next dream,
rushing onwards, onwards to
the next destination,
the next layer,
each one a little less solid than the last.

And finally, when you get there,
there, the end goal of your whole life--
the perch atop which you sit, staring down,
with nowhere else to go,
at the final place you’ve been dreaming of all these years--
hell, was it worth it?
Worth all the anxiety and sweat and the meat being squeezed from your soul,
everything you’ve been working towards forever?
... what the hell is it, what are you even looking at, tell me!
I scream at you,
“Tell me, what's so great about where you are up there--
the view?”

But you are wise.
You’ve got to be, you’ve lived your whole **** life already.
You chuckle, and your wrinkles are friendly.
“Come see.”

I clamber up.
It takes forever—you’re old as hell and spent your entire life building this thing.
I keep climbing, and climbing, and the view keeps changing.
I’m getting higher.
I pause once, and glance behind me
to see the sprawling architecture of every floor beneath.
I have to remind myself to breathe and
keep going.

Finally, I reach you
and shake your hand.
I am standing atop an enormous tower,
So tall I can’t make out the ground,
Gazing back down at the intricate construction of your life.
Layer upon layer, every block a different day,
every floor a different chapter in your life.

Maybe it's the thin air, but it finally dawns on me.
It doesn’t matter where we are now.
What matters is every day, every moment that you spent getting here.

I look at you, and you sigh perfectly and completely.
“So long, kid,” you salute me,
and step off the edge.
I watch you fall in wonder.
But I know your legacy lives on
in the enormous and complicated and twisting tower
that remains, a tribute to your life.

Janet Li Apr 2011

Crawling

She moans and he writhes
and they shiver on the ground,
Minds reeling through 911 tapes and sirens blaring
and blue-red lights glaring, and mothers screaming
and lovers leaping and parents weeping and
children seething.
Their minds are at war,
every tremor a quake,
every shudder a shake;
They start molting like snakes,
shedding pieces and flakes
of themselves, their identity
their strength and serenity;
become anonymity, silently, frighteningly,
Til nothing is left
but raw red meat
that bleeds straight through the streets.
It's oozing and thawing,
more alive than a drawing,
But much too alive, just wanting to hide,
and melt into nothing under the hot sun,
and be laid to rest with the shot of a gun.

Janet Li Apr 2011

Suicide by Love

She searches through a hazy dream,
Eyelids fluttering in a world of pixellations.
She reaches out through the nightmare,
blind, scared,
Feeling nothing solid in her fingertips.
She falls through the mist,
her whole self hidden
in a fog that hurts her eyes.

Her bed
is red and lonely,
And she lies,
stiff, hard,
back arching, head pounding,
quick breathing, quick feeling,
a snap.
Relaxed.
Alone.
Her body escapes, and
she breathes one last word.
Love.

It found her, captured her,
tied her up in ropes
she was too weak to fight.
She went willingly,
succumbed,
drowned in the toxic elixir.

Her heart was at peace
at last.

Janet Li Nov 2010

Light in the City Night

My eyes are really bad.
So when I'm trying to fall asleep
and I see the golden orb of light through my window,
it takes me a few blinks to realize
what it is--
a street lamp.

Without my glasses,
the light widens and narrows,
grows and collapses,
patterns playing on its orange face
and edges smearing,
blurring,
sometimes shooting out like sun rays.

You are that street lamp to me.
Sometimes blurry and not quite distinct
but always there,
always constant.

A fireball,
a sun,
a star.

A light in the city night.

11.29.10

Janet Li Nov 2010

Please Rescue Me

I'm drowning
in a sea of other boys

and

I just want you
to pull me out quickly and
slay everyone else.

Janet Li Nov 2010

Dead Butterflies

I don't have butterflies fluttering about my tummy.
It's more like
a large mass of dead butterflies
rolling around,
smacking and tearing my stomach walls.
The butterflies start out happy and well,
flitting about, jostling merrily,
wings glimmering, flying wondrously.
Then,
they lose their energy,
collapse and die,
Their fragile bodies crumpling
like bits of sticks
as each leg and antennae snaps off and falls
to the bottom.
They decay and collect
as more and more butterflies give up,
give in, and drop.

I am left with nothing but
this heaving mess of dead insects in my stomach.

I feel sick.

11.13.10

Janet Li Nov 2010

For Girls Everywhere

I'm a heartbreaker, babe.
Watch me strut in these heeled boots.
Don't you realize if you snooze, you lose?

I'm the girl of your dreams, babe.
Watch me glitter and wink and laugh,
The highest point on your sad love graph.

I have a million lovers, babe.
One, two, three, seven, nine
Don't you dare try to say, "You're mine."

I'm a star, babe.
You haven't seen anything yet.
What you see is only half of what you get.

I am me, babe,
No other like me anywhere.
So take me, and hold me, and love me, I dare.

11.12.10