Most people in the world I see,
Out for themselves, all me me me,
Materialistic, it's money first,
It's all around, and getting worse,
The smallest kindness that I see,
Restores my faith in humanity,
I'm fully aware of the depth that I dwell,
There is no answer, that I can tell,
I'm going to take notice of the law of my dog,
If you can't eat it or **** it, **** on it, move on.

I am not a mother,
It's seemed to pass me by,
One day I was thirty,
Now I'm over forty five,
I always wanted children,
A little friend to call me Mum,
But fate did not want that of me,
So sadly, I have none.
Friends envy me my quiet life,
Where lay-ins are the law,
Not realising how much I'd give,
To have someone to get up for,
I think I've worked out life's great plan,
Mapped out from skies above,
Why just have your own few kids,
When there's loads there you can love.

Fame and fortune sadly eluded me,
I live such an average life,
Not much exciting ever happens,
Oh just pass me the ****** knife!

I know I ought not moan and gripe,
It's likely my own mistake,
There were golden opportunities,
I had no confidence then, to take.

More I dwell upon this thing called fame,
One thing's pretty clear,
If the whole world knows who you are,
There's no privacy, my dear.

Paparazzi camped outside your home,
From morning , noon to night,
Trying to catch a random photograph,
Of you looking quite a fright.

Maybe I'm better as I am,
Just living in my dreams,
Perhaps on the other side, you know,
The grass is never quite as green.

Please don't call me darling,
It gets right on my ****,
You might think your being clever,
But I really don't like it.

Please don't creep up behind me,
And grab hold of my *******,
You could just try to talk to me,
Not prompt a cardiac arrest.

Please don't **** beneath the covers,
And hold my head underneath,
It's really just not ****,
And makes me sick behind my teeth.

Please don't hold me on the floor,
Mercilessly tickling my toes,
My bladders not what it used to be,
I don't want to scream and wet my clothes.

Please do treat me like a lady,
If it's not to much to ask,
Or I might decide I've had enough,
And kick out your annoying ****!

Boris Johnson, London Mayor,
Crazy mop of unkempt hair,
Eccentric character, as we know,
Yet never afraid to have a go,
Along the Zip Line, like a Boss,
He really couldn't give a toss,
Carries high, Olympic Torches,
Waves the flag and almost drops it,
His sporting challenge, developed a hitch,
Tackled rugby style on a football pitch,
Dances like nobody's watching,
Which I find, is very touching,
He speaks his mind, and makes us cringe,
But never do you hear him whinge,
Distant Royal Ancestry, he has got,
His words, 'a one man melting ***',
He thinks his chances of being P M, are,
'As likely as finding Elvis on Mars',
Take out all the others, yes, let's have a cull,
If he were in charge, life would never be dull,
His zest for life, his fun and frolics,
As he falls from his bike, onto his *******,
For all of his blunders, and honesty mindful,
There's something about Boris, we all find delightful,
He's childlike, refreshing, yet clever and daft,
You just have to love someone, who's game for a laugh.

I appreciate now, I'm getting old
It's not just me, I have been told,
It isn't discovering your first grey ****,
Buying wrinkle cream or using ****,
A simple thought came to me, its true,
My back goes out more, than I now do!
Even my wheelie bins, I think,
Go out each and every week,
I used to party night and day,
But now by 10, I've hit the hay,
The hardest thing, makes my skin crawl,
I no longer fall over, I ' have a fall '

Cats make me laugh, the selfish gits,
They prowl through life, not taking ****,
We humans are just staff, to them,
Our independent feline friends,
Standoffish, surly and downright rude,
Very fussy with their food,
They change their minds just like the wind,
Very often gourmet food is binned,
And then they stalk into 'their' house,
And disembowel some poor mouse,
There is one thing you must never oughta,
Try to wash your cat in soapy water,
The outraged cat will then go wild,
You will then know the devils child,
On the coldest the winter nights,
Cat approaches, purring, right?
Jumps on your lap with kneading paws,
But one false move, you'll feel their claws,
You can never ever own a cat,
They own you, now that's a fact,
Our intelligence they have surpassed,
They've worked out how to lick their ****,
One thing deserves a generous pardon,
They at least crap in neighbours gardens,
I cannot help respect these beings,
I'd never wish to hurt their feelings,
And so I for one will doff my hat,
Towards our Royal highnesses , the cat.