You are 49 today,
49 years ago you were born,
In 16 days, you will be gone one year.

I have thought about you a lot today,
Thought about who you were and what you are now.
Death hasn't changed you,
It has changed the value people have for you.
I wonder if its because when you die, people seem to care that little bit more,
They care more about you than they did when you were alive.

I know that sounds harsh,
But god its the ****** truth.
They cry over you and pray for you,
But who the **** did that when you were alive.
I prayed for you..I prayed when you were alive and I will be sure to pray for you now your dead.
I prayed because I cared, I knew the struggles ,
The problems ,
The utter **** that was served to you and called life.

And yes,
Yes Seamus I am mad.
In fact I am livid,
Not with you,
But with him.
The big man in the sky we call our saviour.
49 today..how the hell is that a decent age to die when your life was only starting.

And I am sorry,
Sorry that this poem I wrote for you doesn't rhyme and is all negative,
But sometimes..you gotta just let it go and say **** it.
I will for today, light a single candle and made a wish for you.
And dear Gem of mine,
I wish you peace,
But most of all...I wish you a Happy Birthday

I have struggled all my life,
struggled with who I was,
even who I am.
But for some reason tonight, I can't feel the struggle any more.

I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol rushing through my veins,
Or the fact that you are right beside me standing in the dark.
The room is pulsing, music blasting through my ears,
The night is young, and I repeatedly tell myself so am I.

Pretty young girls, dance and flirt around you,
That doubt and struggle hits me as I wonder who you like more.
Is it the girls sitting in the corner,
Chattering and smoking,
Their lives full of fun and joy,
Or is it me.
The girl dancing through the night,
Screaming her pain and anxieties away.

But then, as I scream my anxiety away,
The most amazing thing happens..
You tell me, I am the most prettiest girl in the room,
And once again, my struggles float away
And once again, we are submerged in to the darkest,
Lips colliding as I fall for you again.

I was fascinated by you for some time,
Your looks and movements sent me in to my own personal wave of pleasure.
It was like being aroused, a guilty pleasure only I felt and knew about.
But, as I struggled to let you go,
Forget the past and live in the present,
I vowed personally to let you go.

I did,
A goal I feel accomplished by,
But as I found out you knew,
I could feel myself loath you.

The way you told everyone that I liked you,
Calling me obsessed ,
Talking about yourself as if you were God's own gift.
It stopped me,
Stopped the guilty pleasures,
The secret stares and the forbidden thoughts.

Now, I feel hatred.
You think you are God's own gift .
The world revolves around you .
So..I will tell you the truth.
The brutal honest truth.
You are not gods own gift.

You my friend, no not  friend, acquaintance,
You are a selfish person.
You use people to get your own way.
Your temper makes people afraid of you.
And personally, I would rather be sick,
Than give you the satisfaction in thinking,
You are God's greatest gift.

You stood in front of me in a track suit,
Your hair short and curly,
I seen you as a friend, no more, no less.
All  I ever wanted was to be just friends.

The years passed and for reasons I could not control,
Distance and time, we grew apart.
Then out of the blue you come back,
In to my life and I still seen you as just a friend.

You write me and tell me you don't wanna be, just friends.
That all the time pasted, you wanted me in ways I never wanted you.
The news, a shock to my system worries me.
Leaves me wondering..could we ever be more than friends.

But as I am obliged to be, I am taken by someone else.
Someone I love and would never wish to be just my friend.
And with the news you dropped on me,
I am left thinking about you, in the most random parts of my day.
Still questioning..can we ever be more than just friends.

You escaped us and went somewhere better,
I like to think of it as a world with no worries.
A world where you are free to be demon free.

A world where you weren't plagued with addiction and debt.
But now, as I look at you laying in a wooden box,
Your brown beads clasped stiffly in your hands,
I realise you were like me,
You never believed in a God,
So where will you go?

I rub your cold leather hands,
And for the first time I break down,
I break down because it's not you.
Not the Seamus, I believed in and loved.

And I know in the mourning I will let you die,
But for right now,
I will cry the pain out,
But deep down I know this pain will not go.

So as you escape,
I will try and bring you back,
No running away from this burden,
Even though I carry them on my shoulders.

So in this mourning I will rise,
In this mourning I will let you die,
But Seamus, what if I am not ready to mourn and let you die?
Where can I escape to then,
Because I am praying to a God I dont believe in.

I wrote two poems about you,
This will be my third.
Poems about feelings I get, being around you.

These poems you will never see.
Not because I don't want you to see them,
But because, your not wise enough to see.

I listened to a song today,
It reminded me of us,
The burning love, I felt for you.
It still lingers in my dreams.

So now I have to let you go.
Its not fair on me or him.
Him being the guy I love,
Love, what does that mean?.

I will look at you and no longer wish or ponder,
The past is behind me, I will step forward.
You don't deserve my feelings,
Deffinately not my poems.

So goodbye,
Seven letters long,
One word just like Love.
Love is not our theme any more,
Strangers, equals us more.

So, when I look at you tomorrow,
The next day and after that.
I promise to smile and say hello.
But I love you, you will hear that no more.

It gets harder every time I see you.
It's not  unbearable like a burn,just uncomfortable like a sting.
I can hold it together on the outside, my ****** expressions set in stone.
But on the inside, oh god.
It's like a maze of thoughts and hopes.

Ones like; maybe I could join you in the shower your taking
Or, even steal a kiss goodnight just to feel your lips again.
I can deal with uncomfortable, but not unbearable.
So, when it gets harder for me to be around you,
Show a little kindness.

My spaghetti thoughts and hopes full of holes,
Are mine alone to dream about.
Not yours to shoot down and swallow whole.