Eyes clenched to the darkness,
Could you see me?
I saw you through the river of tears,
Emotions called your name
But did you hear me?
I didn’t hear you.
I apologized under every sun and
moon.

I saw the fear.
Did you see the reflection?
I can feel it vibrate through your skin.
Scared of nothing,
Only everything.
I’m scared for you
And me,
Selfish aren’t I.

Clenching your hand in the Sahara
Of the hospital room where it was
A mirage until it faded,
Where did you go?
I’m sorry you had to leave.
Sorry that I held the door,
You never shut it on me.

Sorry we couldn’t fish.
Are you fishing now?
Beside the river you spoke about?
Did you know that within your last
Breath we all drowned in the
Heartbeat of your existence.

The barrel lied to me, peering through the desolation I believed the spark was salvation but it appeared to only ignite the end of all - oblivions reentry was no stranger, it was a meeting with an old friend.

Someone once said to me “Sometimes the truth hurts more than lies.” but I know that’s not true because I lied when I told myself I could live without you;

You, you were like a clear blue sky on a summer's day and I turned you into rain. You loved deep like the ocean but I was the storm that rocked the waves yet I, through blindness, failed to see the tormented oblivion we gracefully fell through.

And yet still you smiled through your oh so delicate eyes, as did I not realising that our hearts had descended into sombre.

A cough from the back seat,
As the passenger and I meet.
Hello, Sir. Where may I take you today?
To your deepest, darkest place.
But sir that is where I do not tread,
For now I am your thoughts, you have to deal with the mess.
But for what mess have I made?
The mess of not letting me stay.
But that I see no wrong, you are where your presence doesn't belong.
Oh but I am you see, I am the darkness that lurks inside thee,
I am the blood that runs through your veins,
I am the darkness that keeps you awake;
The fear of seeing my shadow,
Makes you tremble with fear but please listen here.
What you see as wrong, I don’t.
I do not devote, instead I allow you to see a new hope.
But what hope may that be, I have everything a man could need.
But driver you don’t,
Look at the knife as the blood runs down from her throat.
Ask yourself who is in the seat?
Is it me or you, because you and I aren't so different, you see?
After all, I am as much a part of you as you are me.
But this monster what have I become,
You made me like this you filthy ****!
Excuse me driver as I take the wheel,
I was just your passenger but your life was a steal.
A steal what do you mean? I still sit here,
My life a breeze?
A breeze of false hope is what you cause,
But now it is time to make a thunder storm.
I am no longer your passenger,
Now I have the wheel, me and you,
Are going to give others quite the thrill.
I will not do such things.
You cannot make me!
It wasn't me that made you this way,
It was the others who desecrated your peaceful place.
A peaceful place I did not have,
I did not need.
But what are these desires I seek?
*They are the real you,
The person that not many see.
Now go run free,
While the caged bird is asleep.

The vivid reflection of myself glistened in what was the sea of my own self pity to which I found myself immersed, for in this moment of time if negativity was my oxygen I'd be suffocating in the distorted reality that I once called life.

The luminosity breaks my cage of crepuscule as the vociferous symphony of the media obstruct the clang of injustice. A thousand eyes glare at Lucifer yet neglect the vision of purity as their hand points with each finger a spindle establishing a cloak made of stigma. The cloak, an item I am now constricted in, is in completion as the gates stance creates a void soaring over me to which I am absorbed - as on the other side lies the devils crooked tune whilst God strums the chords.

Three sit contained in one generation with ****** eyes and hopes but only held high.

Addictive by nature when everything is nature in a life long reign of influence to commit the highest atrocities with laughter.

The eldest of us tells of his life stories, begging us to learn from his experiences as he loses three bills to a happy go-lucky machine - I call that taxable hope.

Encapsulated from the world, far too caught up in the atmosphere to want to see the stars but until then let us hunker down and find shelter in the weeds.

Illusive to all eyes but mine and
dare do I to ponder his weaved
tales of wondrous bliss to the
unintellectual mind,
Rumour fell from lips that prey
on the herds of unified madness
without their Shepard for the
devil offered them temptation
which the Gods had failed to
fulfil without their obedience,
Quite the thrill was the uproar
and quite the performance did
their eyes devour.
For if you deconstruct the
words that spill from the
electric pink flesh then
- insanity has found you.

Everybody dies but you were my only reason to live.

Lord knows I’ve seen the end.
Judgement day came in the form of silenced mouths carrying the scratching of cardboard signs.
Beg for mercy I had to.
But did the sun return?
This is a national emergency for my head and it has officially been declared as the saddest moment in history, never to be seen in the books.
The storm can take me, I’m feeling like flying; in need of a grand finale. A traveller of worlds but only looking for you.

I tell them;
“No I wasn’t born into drugs,
I just didn’t want to see an
unbearable life through my
own eyes.”

And no it doesn’t make sense,
But yesterday I went on a trip
To mars with LSD where I
Gazed upon the world by
Myself but with myself but
Instead of me I was a martian.

And I watched the world burn
Just like I did yesterday and as
The planets faded I snorted a line
Of ******* so I could function in
The present day where I heard
Someone scream but it was just
My imagination
- I think.

Sometimes I need to sleep but
I don’t dream,
I can’t dream,
Because my life is a nightmare
That I can’t escape so I smoke
Some **** to drift off into peace
Where I'm in my zen looking at horoscopes
Where it says that tomorrow will
Be better because I’m in line with
Jupiter but I have yet to visit there - yet.

A life through a looking glass of powder
Dreams, green sleeps and pill popping
Alibis and I must admit as I sit here
Smoking a cigarette that the drugs are
Killing my mind but that I don’t mind
Because for the moment I’ll live a happy life
Until my heart gives in and I’m too high
To realize I’ve died.

I reach for a thread
Ready to start again.
I look into her eyes,
Her beautiful enticing stare
As I run my fingers through her hair
Before beginning.

I grin as I pierce the first
Piece of material
The beginning,
When I first looked up
Into her eyes
Fighting for words
As my heart flew away;
The thread so entwine
Not a strand left out of place
Of this moment that
Sealed our fate.
This moment that I finally
Felt awake.

The material so bright
Reminding me that love,
Is the only magic in existence.
I look up again
To see she is nowhere to be seen,
I swivel my head
As the room bleeds,
The darkness encloses.
I reach for more material
But it’s all gone.
The thread starts to tater,
As the stiches fall apart.

I rest my head in my hands
Whipping the tears away,
Reminding myself how much
Of a privilege it was to be yours
For a moment.
But now I see your grey,
Beyond this light you would portray.

As we drift apart,
This little patchwork heart
Fuels our forgotten love.
Now to be just another antique,
Of such mystique
As I turn away
Tears running down my face
Time for my resting place.

I'm sorry about today.
I'm sorry I kept looking away.
I found it so hard to pretend,
that you weren't there.
I have so much to tell you
But I don't know how to.
I still remember of the time
when we were once each others gain,
But now I'd be surprised if you remembered my name.

I long to see you again,
I wish that one day we could make amends.

Dear Mum,

I write this with a heavy heart, but the blood that runs from my nose tells me that this time won't be like the last. You were always a good mother and in fact you have always been my best friend, I'm sorry that I can't get better and I'm sorry that I never treated you the way you always deserved to be treated because above anyone you have always gone beyond what anyone else has and I never told you how much I love you, I never told you it enough but if there was ever anyone I did love it was always you.

Love Always,
Your Son

Dear Nan,

I'm sorry for all the lies but I'm not okay, and I pray that you can forgive me because I was meant to be there for you and so far I've thought about nothing but myself. I love you dearly and endlessly and you are my best friend too but as the months have gone by I'm finding it harder and harder to discover reasons to fight, I've never met a women with such a beautiful soul, heart and mind and you always said every night before bed 'God bless' and I hope he does.

Love Always,
Your Grandson

Dear Bec,

I wish you were more open about our sibling love, there are times I wish I could of turnt to you and times I wished I could of been a brother that you loved. I miss you dearly but I could never understand if those feelings were the same, I just wanted a sister that I could go out with for the day or sit and have coffee per both our request and talk about better memories than the ones I left behind.

Love Always,
Your Brother

Dear Ben,

You were my closest friend and I know that this will not be the end, you are a smart boy and one of the nicest, kindest people I have had the pleasure to have met and you have always been my shoulder to cry on and I appreciate that. I love you like a brother, you were like family to me and I know that one day your dreams will come true and you can remember the memories we shared and even though I'm gone I won't forget them either, I'll miss you the most out of all my friends.

Love Always,
Your Best Friend

Dear Kyle,

I know I gave you a lot of stick but I've always loved you dearly and always wanted what was best for you, I'm sorry that my life is such a whirlwind but I know you'll persevere without me my dear friend. We shared so many great memories, myself, you and Ben but make sure you look after Ben because that's why we were the best of friends.

Love Always,
Your Best Friend

Dear Laura,

You will always be my second Mum, you've done so much for me through so many difficult times and I'll forever be in your debt. You looked out for me as if I were a son, and I wish there was more I could of done to show my appreciation for that. You're an incredible women and Darren is a lucky guy, even if he can be a bit of a moody **** at times.

Love Always,
Your Favorite Pain in the ***

Dear Nic,

Although you were my cousin you were like a sister to me, I love you dearly and I'll miss you just the same. You are such an amazing person, and such an amazing mother too. Give my love to Lilah because you are both a huge part of my life.

Love Always,
Your Cousin

Dear Grandad,

I didn't tell you enough how much I loved you, you had such a different way of showing emotion but I've learned over the years how to decipher it now and I know you only ever wanted what was best for me and for that I will be forever grateful.

Love Always,
Your Grandson

Dear Georgia,

What I want to say to you is written throughout the many pages of poetry I constructed in your name, I loved you beyond what I thought was capable and I just want to let you know that I've missed you everyday.

Love Always,
Your Ghost

You vanished into innocence
leaving me to follow the trail
of my sins - trapping me in
the smog of white that keeps
me awake.

I could of changed if you'd
of told me but now I'll never
know as I sit perched on my
bed starring at the rope that
is destined to end my hope.

She lives in the creases under my eyes
because every time I stare into the night
sky I can't help but think of you,
even the blinding light scolds me
with the memory of you.

She was laced with ******* dreams and without the addiction the razor stopped cutting lines into the table where we’d sit wide eyed in love.

I awake to twelve texts
And seven missed calls
I ring her swiftly
In the hope that she still breathes.
She answers,
Tears down the phone
I can barely speak
because I am drowning in my own.
I tell her to meet me
At the park where we were first seen.
She told me of her troubles
Her pain
The way she sleeps in tears,
Whilst counting down the clock.
I say we should go for a walk
She nods at me.
Why are we here?
I take her hand,
Look into her eyes
This is our destiny
I mumble as she presses her lips against mine,
For the last time.
Are you sure?
Little do I plead because
Her happiness is the key.
Yes.
I take one last look in her eyes,
We fly together
We die together.
You and I until the end.

I'm tunnelling
In a downward spiral,
Getting deeper than the
Scars you left on my heart.

Lost afloat on a raft
On an ocean of my own tears
Led by a misguided attempt.
But the blood -
It consumes me so
Yet it is so mesmerizing.

My mind,
My own personal time machine
In which I find myself trapped
In thoughts of you.
The thoughts they screech,
The noise so piercing
It's destructive.

Breakout I must.
But before I even try -
Oblivion beneath me,
As I fall.
Am I free?
These chains still hold me,
Imprison me,
My vision so fine and sharp
Yet still I am misguided.

In this raft afloat
In the ocean of my mind,
That you created.
Slowly crumbling apart
Like everything great, it falls.

But alas hope,
The light it calls!
Until I realise
My only escape
As I slowly drift away.