I wrote to you last, talking about the day,
that your spirit slipped away.
As those moments, drag on in my mind,
I lose all comprehension of time.

Recalling the chaos of hurried souls,
as they seem to dance around you.
The curtains closed, but they did not stop,
and the sound of their voices grew.

His voice delivering words, I begged to hear,
and the curtains were drawn open.
Devastation has surrounded us all,
as we watch, praying and hoping.

Your body has become so frail,
and the violent jerks look painful.
I hear his screams telling them to stop,
only to save your life, they are unable.

In these moments I am fully aware,
of what transpires around me.
A gripping weight pulling on my back,
hearing my mother scream and plea.

Both of my sisters' pain echoing,
as their cries fill and drown the halls.
I stand there like a statue - unmoving,
waiting for the outcome of it all.

There are fifteen people in the room,
and ten more, outside your door.
They have done what they can,
to give us a few minutes more.

They tell us, that this is it - the end,
and to say our final goodbyes.
I am the first to rush into the room,
and be next to you by your side.

I don't know how conscious you are,
since your soul was ready to leave.
Whispering in your ear "I love you",
and "it's okay, go home and be free".

Embracing you as if roles reversed,
I smooth your hair, so lovingly.
Knowing that any second could be the last,
until you depart this world completely.

Scrutinizing your face, for every detail,
while you take each laboured breath.
Watching you slip away from the light,
and pass slowly into your death.

Then the dreaded moment arrives,
and your soul has now departed.
My blanket of strength is gone,
and I am left broken hearted.

Through all that happened that day,
I am haunted by the uncertainty.
Not by the efforts made to save you,
but by now knowing absolutely.

When I told you I love you -
did you know it was me saying it?
When you said I love you back -
did you know it was me you said it to?

You may see my lips smile,
never reaching my eyes.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may hear my laugh,
never reaching my heart.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may witness a moment,
never knowing it's depth.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't see me crying,
always keeping it hidden.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't hear the pain,
always buried deep inside.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't witness my grief,
always alone with the weight.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You might know that I've lost,
but not what it means to me.
You might know that I'm broken,
but not what it means for me.

You might have an understanding,
but they will never be compared.
You might be in the same boat,
but not in the same seat as myself.

We may walk the same path,
or travel along the same river.
This does not mean we are the same,
You are you and I am me.

This is okay!

Our healing journey is unique,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our days will look different,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

Our struggles will vary,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our self-compassion differs,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

You will only see a fraction -
the parts that I wish to share,
the rest is my own burden,
mending my hearts biggest tear.

In the midst of the changes,
a new season approaches,
surrounded by the leaves,
that are pulled from the trees.

By the weight of gravity,
or the wind that blows,
their colours are changing,
their placement rearranging.

With every leaf that falls,
I think of you; each one a memory,
and as they hit the ground- a thought,
every one of yours is now lost.

The stories you would tell,
with fondness in your voice,
never to be heard by you,
since those days are through.

Buried deep in mother earth,
lay treasures never shared,
taken upon your depart,
also leaving with my heart.

I know you are still here,
even though I don't see you,
but it will never be the same,
when someone says your name.

A part of me died that day,
when you left this world,
my soul was shattered,
pieces broken and tattered.

The love you gave to me,
never fades with passing days,
I promise to share that love,
until the day we meet above.

Donnie Smyth,

If you were sitting next to me, sharing this view, so early in the morning, I would sit and talk with you.

We would catch up on each other’s lives, since it’s been too long. I would say…
“ I didn’t know you liked motorcycles.”
And smile at your excitement while you talk about it.

I would then tell you just how dangerous they are and of course to be careful. Expressing my concern for your safety.

This makes me want to cry.
Knowing that you would probably roll your eyes at me and brush it off laughing. But then again, I can’t say for sure. It’s been so long since the way we were friends as kids. I miss you Donnie.

I would go on to ask how things are in your life.
“How is your mom and brother doing? How is work going for you these days? Is there a special lady in your life? Where abouts are you staying – is it a nice place? Do you like it?”
I would listen to all your answers, hoping that each response is filled with happiness. Sharing your joy for all the blessings you have, and the blessings you give to others.

Together we would sit, facing the city line and watch the crows gather together in numbers that are rarely seen. Only this early in the morning, in the right spot, can we watch this and chat. Marveling at the wonders of life, all while facing it’s challenges every day.

What an odd feeling – so conflicting…
Here we sit, together, watching the day dawn and it’s beautiful but I am still sad. Because you sit here with me in spirit, but there is still a feeling of absence.

My dear friend Donnie, I miss those days when we were kids. I will cherish those memories for as long as I live and the friendship we shared. You felt like a brother in some ways, and I know you were as genuine as my own brothers.

No words will explain these feelings, but I know you will get this letter and the feelings that accompany it. I miss you my friend.

Until we meet again,
Jamie

It feels like it's been,
a blink of the eye,
from the time we met,
until it was goodbye.

We've come so far,
from the first hello,
to standing here now,
wishing you didn't go.

I know how it works,
so I will try my best,
not to be too sad,
that you're laid to rest.

It may have been short,
but it was also eventful,
you opened your heart,
for that I am grateful.

I know it was hard,
to watch a love grow,
I know it was hard,
to let your baby go.

So now comes the time,
where I will tell you so,
that she loves you dearly,
though you already know.

Your impact will last,
through this you live on,
too much to be forgotten,
and never truly gone.

Deep within our hearts,
you're tucked safely away,
until we're re-united,
on some other day.

I can't stop myself from thinking,
knowing the pain that you're in,
And it hurts me to be helpless,
wishing that I could make it end.

I'm so sorry this has happened,
and there's nothing I can do,
I know that my love isn't enough,
even though I feel it strongly for you.

I wish that it could be magic,
and heal your wounds,
I wish that you could tell me,
That you're okay too.

My poor kitty I am so sorry,
for what you're going through,
my dear kitty please know,
that I absolutely love you.

I hope you're okay babes 💚😔

If I let go...who am I?

If I let go of the pain that made me strong,
does that mean I have become weak?

If I let go of the betrayals from the past,
how will I guard myself in the future?

If I let go of the anger I hold inside,
what will fuel the fire within?

If I let go of the wrong done to me,
will I make the same mistakes?

If I let go of the person I have been,
who am I?