I don’t want to come to terms with my mind

I’m scared of what in it I may find

A ticking time bomb

starting at a thousand

Now stuck on one

A rope from what used to be

A carefully twisted knot

ready to come undone

A well that’s run dry

A simple tear from my blue eyes

An empty skull

with no recollection of what used to be

No, don’t make me look

I don’t want to see

I don’t want to know what’s inside of me

The host of a zombie

I am not what I think

Looking in the mirror

A new image with every blink

Even if I wanted to know

What inside of me may grow

It’s impossible for me

To find out what I may be

I’m a multitude of things

My mind's a flashing picture screen

There I was

Holding an umbrella on the sunniest of days

Then he came

When he asked me why, I replied, “Just because”

I knew he saw all the pain I contained

And I felt he watched that boy love me then leave

He took my umbrella and told me I didn’t need to stop hiding

I just needed to find a new place for it

I agreed, and he took me in his arms and asked, “How’s this work?”

In that moment I knew why my past love was no longer present

I knew why in his arms I was sheltered from all hurt

It’s not that I think he’s a perfect person

Some days I even put a question to ‘I love you’s’ directed towards him

But without him I’d still be carrying the same umbrella

Wishing the sun would do as I did and hide

Wishing it would rain forever

Now I couldn't care less about the weather

I’ve got something way better

I told you I tried to **** myself that night,
and I lied.
Not because I wanted the attention,
or needed it.
What I needed was for you to know how real it was.
I lied,
but that doesn't mean I didn't want to.

Just because you didn't die when you talked to Death that night,
that doesn't make it better, doesn't fill you with life
Just because you did not really leave,
doesn't mean it meant any less to me...

You died in my dreams that night instead of real life,
but that didn't make it any less real when I woke up.

I'm the kind of girl that doesn't put down the sun visor while driving, even though the sun is clearly in my eyes
I'd rather be blinded by the sun than ever miss out on a section of what's been painted over the mountains around me... for me, some days I think.

I think my visions so bad from staring at the sun
It's something I can't help, I swear to you, I've tried
And I don't see how it's an easy task for anyone
To look away from the sun and tell your monsters to hide


If I wrote all the things that I've thought behind the wheel,
Maybe I'd be known for telling people how I feel
Mind in motion, not knowing, giving thought only to the lines on the road
How could the words that I utter be
from anywhere but the truest parts of me?

If I told you I wrote this while sleeping
would it fill it with more meaning?
Would you give it a thought
and think maybe I'm not
as crazy as you think

If I'm sounding pretentious,
allow me to mention,
I haven't slept in three days
And in addition,
I should also mention,
I just do this,
and not to get paid

What do I get
out of throwing a fit
and throwing words on a page
out of rage?
To tell you how I feel
attempting to be real
but how I feel
and what I'm saying
are still not
the same

         I'm a fake
         I'm a fake
         I'm a fake

Do you understand anything I say?

"But you're great!
        You're great!
        You're great!"

Do you even understand anything I say?

I don't want to talk about it but I guess I should, shouldn't I?
I know all the neighbors saw what these four walls couldn't hide
Did they hear his door slam then lock?
Did they hear his gun load and then ****?
Could they hear me begging for him to let me in?
Could they hear his refusal, harsh and thick as sin?
I heard everything

How many times do I have to beg for the same life?
How many miles in this tunnel before we see a light?
We've been fighting for you,
but you're not fighting for us
I know life is ******,
but really, what is the rush?
I want to understand,
help me make you tough
Slow down, daddy
You've been drinking way too much
And not laughing nearly enough
Can you smile, please?
If not for you, for me?

Hospital walls have never been too comforting
They cave in at night when the doctors are sleeping
And the nurses are on break, having a smoke together
You told me things were good and, if I waited, that they'd be getting better
But I've been waiting outside and I think the rain just keeps getting wetter
I've been waiting, and nothing seems to be any better

I've been making this about me, haven't I?
I'm so sorry, please allow me to apologize
I just can't find the right words to save my dad's life,
But I won't stop talking until they come out right
I won't give up on the life that made mine

I love you, daddy
We can do this,
we'll be fine

Just put your hands in mine
I will carry your weight until you're ready
I need you
Don't leave me, daddy

How many times do I have to talk you down from that ledge before I jump off this one?
If you're gonna load that gun again you might as well put two bullets in
One for me and one for you, and I'll even shoot myself so that you don't have to