How can I plan my future when most days I feel like I'm dying?

All our family photos are black and blue instead of white
They just came out that way and it always seemed right
Today I've got the perfect plan in my head
Snap a photo of us now and it’d print out blood red
I've got an idea that could puncture your brain
Hear me out, and I swear you’ll never think the same
The stitches in my head have come loose and now the monster’s out
He told me this plan
We’re gonna burn down the house

I can feel you,
I can feel you staring into my soul.
I told you those eyes have abilities untold.
Stop looking into my eyes like depth is what you want to see.
You will never find the girl I was before this world took her away from me.
I want to find her too, you know.
I tried hard to keep her young and innocent,
But there’s a contagious shiver in this world
That we will never quite get.
I could tell you things get better, but everyone lies.
And if there’s one thing I won’t be, it’s everyone by surprise.
‘Cause everyone is everyone. and everyone is fake.
And everyone is everyone, and everyone’s too late.
You are everyone, and everyone can look at me like you.
You can’t be anyone if everyone knows how to be anyone, too.

Opened the blind and saw right away
The sun had too much energy for me today
So I closed the blind again
And I haven't asked if she's mad
Because I know she is
I can still see her enthusiasm through the blind
Some days I wish the sun's energy was mine
Some days I have no energy for creating wishes or dreams
Or even doing simple things of value to me
I spend my days angry at myself for being so depressed
I cannot shine with the weight of my own words upon my chest
I am not the sun, and I'm nowhere near as bright as she
So why when she shines, does she always shine on me?
And why does her energy sometimes scare me?
It's like she's making a mockery of me
And when I turn my back
I can still see her mocking me
I know why I close the blinds when she's too bright
I'm not a vampire, but I do enjoy myself at night
It's as if the darkness of the night imposes no stress on me
I look outside and I'm overwhelmed with a calming feeling
As if I've got no plans and no where to go
I let my mind settle down, and my fingers take control
And when the sun
When she shines bright on me
There are no silhouettes of anyone to hide me
I am in the lime light
Of the sun's energy
She shines on me with hope
Of all I know I could be
And sometimes the changes
Are just a little unsettling  





-- Have no idea where I was going with this, but I'm okay with where it went and decided to stop writing this and open the blind again. May add more later
*-- Took someones advice and added more. Completely satisfied.

The kind of words that drive themselves into your brain
The kind of words that make you re-analyze everything
I read them over until they drove me insane
Well these words are my contentment with pain,
I've seen so much, and now I feel nothing
I've created dead things from something living
I swear I didn't mean to, though
It's like something bit onto the inside of me
And it won't let go....
We're destroying everything
Including the skin between teeth and bone
I'm destroying everything with words I didn't think I knew
I'm destroying you with my words, too
I'm tired of talking to myself

I don't see that smile
The one I've tried hard to forget
I don't see those eyes
The pools of hazel I had vivid dreams about
And this is how I know
The only thing that looks familiar anymore
Are those lips
Bright pink but cracked like old cement
Just the way I remember them
I kissed them over and over
And still they never got better
But I still kissed them
And only for your skins sake,
Did I ever wish they got better
I see your lips now
They're exactly as I remember them
And I wonder who is thinking about them,
Desiring to heal them the way that I did,
But for their own sake
I wonder if anyone
Will ever again think to kiss your lips
With intentions of healing you