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Oct 2013 · 1.4k
Yellow Ribbon
James Fate Oct 2013
Yellow ribbon
in her hair
how would I forget about you
reaching
keeping the strangeness quiet
holding together
sanity
you would do well to remember
her voice
the texture of the strands you hold
you cannot keep them
but you can remember
maybe that will be enough
Enough.
ENOUGH!

what a stupid looking word

Yellow ribbon
I remember a time
when you were green
before I pulled all the blue out
and put it into my pen
to scrawl her name on my insides
like a cast in white plaster
for all my broken parts
but they’re mended now
it’s time to peel it off
one strip
one letter
at a time
it’s time
for my insides to be soft again
I’m scared to death
that the pale
long hidden skin
and scars
will frighten off anyone
who might warm me again
my hands are only this cold
because I haven’t had anyone to hold
fending off frostbite
just my hands folded together
as in prayer
but without the hope of an answer
without yes
no
or maybe
life is just living
just
‘here I am
there you are
goodnight’
and I can’t help but miss her

so Yellow ribbon
when I grow my hair long
and become someone new
I will tie it back with you
try to remember who I was before
and maybe then be true
Oct 2013 · 570
Stragglers
James Fate Oct 2013
all I wanted
was to cover
my stains
and now I’m painting my whole house
red
help me
my closest friends
are 200 miles away

I can’t write this poem right now
not like this

I am in the trees
they are still mostly green
but leaves fall when the wind blows
I am not getting colder
I just have a lot going on right now
and I’m trying to shed
some of this fall fabric
and let my forest floor
weave it into a carpet
but you can’t pull all the dead leaves off
it’s better to just let them drop

in the heart of winter
there will still be
stragglers
holding on through autumn winds
and January snows
to crumble in the spring
my lips touch the soft
clean soles of your feet
and my fears dissolve
like fog in the morning

I can’t write this poem right now
no
not like this
Oct 2013 · 1.4k
Sunset
James Fate Oct 2013
when I was younger
I got into staring contests
with the sunset
despite dire warnings
I challenged him

I thought I would live forever back then
or maybe I just wanted him
to blink
out
before I did

I fear death

I grew up a Christian
reading about Narnia
and there was one man
after escaping ten years of living
in a nightmare
as relief from his waking horror
he was given the gift of sleep
without dreams
forever
now
as well as then
I struggle to comprehend
how this was a reward

to fall asleep
and never dream
and never wake
this is death as far as we can tell

in my childhood
this was the only exposure I had
to the idea of VOID

and now it yawns wide open
at the feet of this newly formed atheist
and I am afraid

‘I never asked to be born in the first place’
-Last words of Adolf ******
(per Kilgore trout
(per Kurt Vonnegut Jr.))

the sunset is deep deep orange
and summer is fading
from green
to red and yellow
then to brown
then to white

I’m thinking of Christmas
watching a hawk fly
silhouetted against
the now hot pink clouds
to the sound of cicadas
and a whisper
of moist and cooling air

winter is hard to get through

then again
so is summer

the sky above me is the shade of lavender
I fell in love with
when I couldn’t find anyone
who loved me back

I was taking a bus trip from December
to late spring
everyone else was asleep
and I watched the sun rise
through palm trees and ferns

if the afterlife is composed
of floating through my time in this life
Tralfamadorian Heaven
I will be content

I am living now
This was written more as a way of working some thoughts out than as a poem. I like it though, so I'm putting it up here anyway. 'Tralfamadorian Heaven' is a reference to Slaughterhouse-Five, by the way. There's a fair amount of Vonnegut in this one. Hope you like it. :)
Oct 2013 · 498
Wind
James Fate Oct 2013
the sun does not illuminate the wind
yet he warms her
the mountains fade from green
to blue
to purple
to sky
grey
my hand is reaching for the wind
I’ve stopped looking for things
to hold on to
I love the sound of strings
vibrating to the beat
of someone else’s heart
syncing up with mine
carry me on those wings
keep me in those feathers
I want to fly with you
your warmth is that of the sun
but you are not his
you hold me tightly in the clouds
but you are not mine
when you are gone
I miss you
but I promise you
I’m fine
I promise
I promise
the wind is growing colder
we all will die alone
soon
Oct 2013 · 1.2k
Opportunity Cost
James Fate Oct 2013
French girl
I never met you
how would I have met you?
Oct 2013 · 1.5k
Fourteen
James Fate Oct 2013
echoes in my mind
like aches
but merely echoes
I am getting better at being
alive
but that is only because
I am so full of dead things
to remind me of what I now
have the option
not to be
to be
is my decision
yes
I am locking it in
to be
that is my final answer
until my choice is taken from me

stardust is the basic component
of all the parts and pieces
I am so full
of dead things
I was born with fourteen ghosts
excluding the stars that we rise
from the ashes of
like phoenixes
excluding the animals
that gave rise to us
excluding names
and faces
and friendships
and homes

fourteen ghosts

and they say we are born innocent
Oct 2013 · 526
I miss you like that
James Fate Oct 2013
a dead cat
on the dead end street
between where our homes used to be
when our homes were each other
Oct 2013 · 865
Hero
James Fate Oct 2013
if I had my way
I would never consent
to being the hero of my own story
we humans have far too much practice
turning heroes
into villains

I would much rather be a member
of the supporting cast
and exceed everyone’s expectations
for growth
but all dynamic characters
hero or not
have to carry their share of burdens
and flaws
and if I am not my own hero
how am I supposed to know
whose story I’m in?
Oct 2013 · 1.2k
Ribbons
James Fate Oct 2013
rip out my heart
feed it to the wolves
and tell me that I am OK
strike me down, you gladiator
you torch bearer
and wrap me in feathers till I sleep

my words are not mine
I do not make them
my mistress sinks them into my well
and I merely pour out the bucket

this strangling weight
pressing on my sternum
(it is not a weight)
I cannot find myself
to push air into the lungs
unless I can succeed
in forgetting them

I cannot

burn me
burn me
burn me
I am on fire and still I battle the cold

your voiceless throat is split
red choking your clothes
and my vision
and you say
‘do not remember me now
remember the chocolate
on my forehead
at lunchtime
remember my head
on your chest
(breathe in/let go)
do not remember me now’

I don’t want to ask you where your story dies

I just want to see your face and smile


*I wish life would tear me to ribbons
Oct 2013 · 1.4k
Moon
James Fate Oct 2013
the nights are growing cold
I sat outside to finish reading a book
about love and cancer
extremities growing numb
falling foolishly in love
with the pretty girl whose face
gave me the courage
to sit down beside her
on a bench
in the sun
five minutes before my next class started

I found out her favorite author
but neglected to discover her name

in the sunlight
YOLO only says to live
and it’s easy to forget
that I’d like to have
a future

my night sky consists
of millions of tiny, ferociously burning
pin ******
and one heroically loyal mirror
reflecting more brightly than ten thousand
500 million year old projections
of dead stars

I am doomed to fall in love
with a girl who can honestly tell me
that fear of death
and love of life
don’t really feel any different

I wish I could choose
the type of fool I will be

but I know that the moon
has never been in love with the sun
that she has only ever revolved around us
as we revolved around him
waiting eight minutes for his light to reach us
until night falls and we finally notice
her cold, bright eye
slowly blinking at us
doing all she can to be like the light
that we love
her,
reflecting the old, distant light at us
seconds after it touches her surface
she is the closest thing we have to a companion
to a light source
yet we still spend our lives reaching for the stars

I have no belief in a God
I know the sun
is a ball of burning gas
expelling particles and waves of energy
into blank, full space
and that the moon
is a dense space cloud
with a reflective surface covered
in craters
and darkness
and brightness
and a few human footprints and I know
that the night sky
is full of things that can **** me
and everyone I know
with no warning
but such a fool as I am
I can do nothing but love
the cold, lonely face
that looks down on me as a reflection
of my source of life

she will only ever be my beautiful mistress
of untouchable hurt
and so I am doomed
to love that which will break me
if I ever get close enough to touch it

I can’t tell you whether my heart is dying
or if I’ve finally found a way to live with myself
Aug 2013 · 714
Alzheimer's Dreams
James Fate Aug 2013
walking toward the sea
I am dreaming

(your voice catches in my throat)

sometimes strange faces join me
oddly unsettled I march
and their lovely presence
lightens the miles
until they are gone
to their own destinations

(my heart is whole now)
(thank you)

with tired legs I find the sea
violent in the dusk
and in the depths
I know
is silence

(I have found a way to live)

holding my pace
the first wave strikes me
and I awake

(finally I have peace)

and my strange companions' faces
come back to me
as those of my closest friends
somehow forgotten
somehow lost
like my own name

(but I still have to die sometimes)
Jul 2013 · 951
Clowns
James Fate Jul 2013
My Face is held on with old shoelaces
loose and sagging at the top
the grease stained hat holds it together
tight and neat till my shift is over.

My leg bones are gone,
transformed into balloon animals.
silly, flimsy things that wouldn't stay inflated
if not for the bicycle pump
I keep in my back pocket.

Every few hours I slip into the bathroom
just to sit and awkwardly fill up my legs,
Tom & Jerry style, through my big toes.

I say I try to live in the moment,
but I don't when I'm here.

Daydreams about suspiciously well prepared hoboes:
"No cash? That's fine. I have a card reader."
Memories of friends and stupid mistakes;
the smile is real, but the eyes...

the eyes are where I fool them
the eyes are where I hide the fact
that my mind is anywhere, everywhere else.
My eyes will never tell you that here,
I wish for summer to be over.
That here, I'm scared to death
that three years from now, I'll still be here,
and summer's end won't mean ****.

The only friend I have here
says I remind him of himself.
He is pushing six years.
I just passed two.

So.

I want you to beat me into unconsciousness
with a giant, squeaky toy hammer.

The kind you can only get at the fair
for fifteen dollars or feats of mild greatness
confiscated within the first ten minutes.
Silliness so intense that our parents
destroyed it as contraband
to protect us from the poison,
our bloodlust of absurdity.

Club me in the head with it.

Please.

I want my legs to deflate.

I want to be a giggling mound of confusion,
rolling around on the floor,
within inches of enlightenment.

I want my hat to fall off,
my shoestrings to come untied,
and this stupid mask to splinter into tiny,
stupid pieces and form onto a real, stupid grin.

But most of all, I want every single note
of your noisy and utterly useless inflatable bludgeon
to be the first thing on my mind
the next time I walk around here
in my slip resistant sneakers
scuffling along the greasy tile floor.
May 2013 · 1.0k
hands
James Fate May 2013
some days
I want to stretch out my small, dry hands
and touch the length of the world

other days
I wish it all fit into an old shoebox
tucked quietly beneath my bed
-
I've never touched an ocean
without a snap of sensation
loosening my coarse skin

but even if the world was my hiding place
and my hands could touch eternity


yours would be forever out of reach
Apr 2013 · 1.3k
Lupine
James Fate Apr 2013
I've fallen in love
with being human

taken to life
like a puppet

given one chance
to be real

but I still howl
at the moon
sometimes
Apr 2013 · 662
How To Be Dead
James Fate Apr 2013
chest in tatters
fire rising from the hole
his fists pounding against the door
splintering wood
blood pouring across white,
skinless knuckles

an inhuman scream
like a wind out of hell
rising from the hollow throat
mouth a misplaced act of self mutilation
stretched and pinned wide
letting the smoke flow out

scorched flesh hanging in strips
from the gory wood
fire in his breath
but eyes
(shut tight)
held storms without thunder

the wind and violence grew louder
crack, crack, crack,
the door held
as the voice broke
descending harshly from rage
to despair

fire in his chest
choked with emptiness
poured out it’s dying breath
black and putrid
the taste of loss
like burning plastic

his forehead fell
against the cracked and bloodstained wood
the blow struck silence
in his throat

eyes opened to a point
somewhere past
the stained and pitted barrier

they were grey
like a sky consuming cloud
slowly seeping to the ground
as it traps the day
from horizon to horizon
in endless whispers

(take my name,
but tell my voice
to stop burning yours
into my throat

give me memory
and I will show you
what it means
to die

forgive me

I have lost
your story)
I had a really hard time with this. Any feedback would be vastly appreciated.
Apr 2013 · 391
B.U.T.T.E.R. B.U.C.K.E.T.
James Fate Apr 2013
Back then, we all
Used to spend our time
Tree climbing happily
Taking our time like broken clocks
Every time I looked at you
Rising like a yellow flower

Basking in the buttery sun
Underneath I saw you dancing
Changing into yourself
Kicking out walls and ceilings
Every day, your heart grows so full
That you don't fit in a cup anymore
An unpolished birthday gift to my youngest sister.
Apr 2013 · 1.7k
Breakfast (Home pt. 2)
James Fate Apr 2013
chocolate chip pancakes
6 am
you,
gagging on the smell of melted cheddar
homegrown peppers in our scrambled eggs
something to keep our bellies warm for the long day ahead
Apr 2013 · 832
(exeunt)
James Fate Apr 2013
blood on my lips
dirt in my hair
a smile hidden somewhere in the grimace
your foot looks for something
apparently hidden in my chest
a lung?
it's found both of those already
-
it finished searching
you left me dying
I guess I should feel disappointed
or maybe angry
to have been dealt my losing hand
but  it's best
not to take this silly place too seriously
-
they said
we'd all live forever
someday beat back the creeping death
with it's sleeve full of aces
probably not anytime soon
seeing how
we can't stop killing each other
-
once I thought
life was something big
maybe it will be in time
this little joke
looking at it in dry, acquiescent humor
at least
we all still have a punch line
-
[ba-dum, kssh]
Mar 2013 · 980
Home
James Fate Mar 2013
my feet slip under the sand.
the wave that slapped my ankles moments before
retreating now,
somehow pulling the ground
beneath my feet
up between my toes
and away.
I say goodbye,
but there is no need to grieve,
sinking an inch deeper into infinity

a feeling like adrenaline;
am I coiling or unwinding?
a place where I could spend eternity
if only I could forever forget
my name
-
this wave.
a moment.
a kick and I am flying,
full of air and motion,
steps of spray

it rises to meet me,
stretching a hand up
higher than my heart
to catch me in a crash
like a rotten tomato hitting a wall;
toss, smack, splatter, gone

in the impact of light and sound
I can feel the sea
accepting my gift
of everything,
in abandon

underwater the salt and motion
washes all the dust
off of my bones
and fills me up
with clean, sparkling blue
-
they are breaking against me now
shaking me down
against the bottom,
then releasing me.
a rhythm like breathing;
like living.
rising,
falling,
holding in the depths
(the infinite distances of disorientation),
finding my feet,
and breathlessly looking
for the next wave
to pull me under
-
there is blood running down
my back and shoulder

scratches from the broken shells
and yet unpulverized gravel
I was dragged across

and I am grinning

laughing like a maniac because now
no-one will have to ask me
whether or not
I am
Alive
Mar 2013 · 600
Of Silver Linings
James Fate Mar 2013
My head has been up in the grey-clouded sky
mining for silver linings
collecting bits as thin as paper and sending them
to my heart like little love letters
folding them up into pretty origami figures
boats, birds, and butterflies
hoping he can continue conveying that he loves her
even though he never comes down

My heart gilded herself with his glittering gifts
optimism peeled from the bones of black storms
and soon, empty, she found herself alone
Always
No sliver of truth or falsehood, however bright, would grow
so much as a touch, or even a closeness might
and in her furnace, lit and stoked, bellows blowing, spewing smoke
she melted down the cover of her shell

From fire it grew, was poured, still hot, and as it cooled
from pool to block it realized it was two
A set of twins, mirror image blades of purest silver lining
pressed together, face to face, a simple pair of scissors
taken in her hands as she rose to meet him there
in the tempest sky, evil winds on hollow heart and head
she cut his hair and with it, all, and everything fell away
quietly fading like music slipping softly into the soul

— The End —