I pity the Millenials
Living in this day and age
Arguing the nature of reality
Trusting only the words on the page
Trusting nothing they wouldn't see coming
That would challenge the new status quo
That bow to the god of strict science
Never considering what can't be known
Relativity gives them an excuse
A convenient state of affairs
Making up dogma from whole clothe
Convinced that nobody cares
Only the Millenials could care less
Until they decide it's best to show empathy
I don't understand 'em at all
But that's how it's meant to be

When a pet bird escapes
Through windows or holes
In the walls or the roof
She is overwhelmed by freedom
Wings catching air she soars
In only one direction
Up
Almost as if she knows
There's nothing for her down here
A beeline straight into the stratosphere
Her weak wings quickly wearying
Having never really been used before
They can take her only so far
Until worn down they give up
Burning and aching like overdriven muscle
Exhilarated and ready
For free fall
Her weakness is the ceiling
An invisible barrier of pure air
Across which fate has decreed
She will not pass
Not high enough to touch clouds
But much too high to expect
A smooth landing
Much of a landing at all
Perhaps someone will see her
Grisly reunion with Gaia's unyielding Tarmac
The price you pay for too much freedom
As her cage is cleaned
Ready to be sold in a garage sale
Because the guy who kept her
Couldn't bear the guilt
Of accidentally leaving the window open
No matter his love for winged creatures
He'll never own another one

Find me on my knees
Face to the ground
Lost in the sound of
Silence, deafening

Always on my mind
I won't be surprised
If someday I find that you're right here
You're right here inside of me

The years roll slowly by
Illuminating
You've kept me waiting for so long
For so long
For so long

Couldn't you just come back tonight?
Couldn't you just come home tonight?
It's been too long without your loving
And your light, couldn't you?
Couldn't you just come home tonight?

Find me in my sleep
Pull me up easy
Part the sea of illusion
Drag me through to the other side
Where I'll fall back on my knees
This is no dream
This is no dream
This is no dream

Couldn't you just come back tonight?
Couldn't you just come home tonight?
It's been too long without your loving
And your light, couldn't you?
Couldn't you just come home tonight?

Every time I look up
Into the black ocean of night
I expect to see a falling star
Inevitably
The only ones whose light reaches my eye
Are fixed and fated
To remain eons after I've gone
That should be wonder enough
But I love a falling star

She guided my hand to the right spot
Said "This is how it's done"
I said "This is all there is?"
"Isn't this enough?"
"I thought it would be so different"
"It isn't"
"You're like a stranger to me now"
"Run your finger down the side"
"Your skin is dry and unfamiliar"
"Kiss me on the lips"
"Your tongue is like a withered flesh-prune"
"That Meat Loaf song is so romantic"
"I never bargained this with you"
"Aren't you the lucky one"
"Inside your mouth is like a desert"
"Keep your hand out of my pants"
"Oh, I really don't know what it was doing down there, as I'm not interested"
"Is it past midnight yet?"
"Long ago, this lesson has gone on too long"
"I'll let you love me tomorrow"
"By then it will be too late"

Prison walls aren't always brick and mortar
Cages not made of wire
Chains and locks not always seen
Will one day be broken
It's that day I'm dyin' for
One day the door will be flung wide open
It's that day I'm dyin' for
I'm breaking out this prison of my mind
It's that day I'm dyin' for
All the things that keep me here
Where love is overshadowed by fear
I'm gonna drop 'em like a hot plate
I'm gonna wake up, my eyes wide open
Bolt headlong into a dream of infinity
Leave behind this stagnating shell
Celebrate emancipation
I'm dyin' for that day

Until then
I find something new
In Mahler's symphonies
Each time I hear them
With each new day
A blessing small or large
A dose of anger and disgust
The satisfaction of knowing
I'm right when I am
Admitting I don't always know
That I'm not always right
Noticing when I find myself
Enjoying
Something I never used to like

In the Light of the Holy
In the Light of the Holy
I can finally see beyond the Looking Glass
Questions few can bring themselves to ask
     I have found some Answers
For the Future and the Past
     No longer matter
In the Light of the Holy

In the Light of the Holy
In the Night there are songs I've heard
That Lift my Spirit to the Starlit Sky
That force the Teardrops from my stubborn Eye
     and I feel no Shame
Illuminate the Truth behind the Lie
     and ease the Pain
In the Light of the Holy

I will take no chances, it is worth the risk
No Sacrifice to see the World like this
My sole Regret is everything I missed
Before I opened my eyes
Before I opened my Mind

In the Light of the Holy
And the Light of the Holy
Shines brighter than it ever has before
Reflecting on the banks of Heaven's shore
     bright as sunshine
In the Light of the Holy

Self-loathing gets old
With years
Where can you go?
Bad habits are hard to break
It's too long to wait
To let them break you

Too many years afraid of the light
Dragging down darkness
To bask in the night

In blood, in haste the deal it was sealed
With terms and conditions that won't be revealed
With blessings and curses, this black covenant
Don't know what you've bought 'till your money's all spent
When all that you've bartered has lost all it's worth
To bury with loved ones, deep in the earth
Deep in the ground, down deep in the dirt
Where light never shines and pain never hurts
How many years did you sign up for?
If you knew what you know now would you sign up for more?

You don't need my advice
It's loaded, comes at a price

How does a man arrive at this place
Outside the universal circle of grace?

This may come as some surprise
To the way you despise and the knives in your eyes
I got respect to the highest degree
For the three in in one, the Holy Trinity
And I hear mean folk, insatiable
Dragging down our Revelation bible
NIV or dead old King James I doth salute ya
These copious onion skin pages contain the secrets of the universe
Hidden from those who think they know what they're looking for
Revealed to the man of simple trust
Given to the man who understands the way of grace
That bible condemns judging
And all hypocrisy
Truth be told there's not a soul
Least of which you and me
Whose even a fraction prepared to
Speak from on that Rock
All you got, baby, all you've  ever had is
Talk talk talk
Think on it a little while
Your mind will draw the same
Conclusion I reluctantly have carried in my brain

The bible is a singularity
It's powers beyond measuring
Like it's author it works in mysterious ways
To amaze the dull and confound the proud
It can bring whole cities down
It's the battle map of the philosopher/warriors mind
Stained with the blood of mere men and a King
To whom all will bow down
Each and all will bow down
Be we in our own particular spheres of understanding and/or ignorance
Our knees will hit the ground
And we'll gladly acknowledge Truth has been made known to all

A couple thousand onion skin pages with script so tiny an old man's got to squint
66 books that changed millions of lives
Fought a few wars, it's true, expected
Each on the side of the right whether you realized it or not. Each battle a jigsaw puzzle piece in a verse that reads ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE LORD AND WHO ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE!

Monks in the day would memorize the entire bible
I never knew how they could do it
I'm sure I never will
But if God helped me write those 66 books in my heart and mind completely
Where I would not forget 'em
Nay, they'd be working on me the whole time
I'm sure my remaining years would
Make up for the frivolous disbelief
That has haunted my young adulthood
It would be a blessing that I would fain cast aside when my Lord Jesus puts His arm around my shoulder and escorts me cross to the other side

It's hard to read the bible
Because it shows me what I am
Boastful of my own good works
But still such a sinful man
Through lines of wisdom
And the love of a Savior
I recognize the reality of the supernatural
The abode of the infinite God
Of countless Names
In the Bible Yahwah and Yashua
But they are just the same

initiate

I love you
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I'm with you

I love you
Not only for what
You have made of yourself
But for what
You are making of me

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out
I love you for passing over
All my faults and weak traits
That you can't help but see

I love you for drawing out
Into the light my beauty
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you

You are the ONLY one
for me and I love you

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
<>================<>
source code broken
kkkkkkkkkddddddd KKK dieediediediediedie
911911911911911911911911911911911911
the grand inquisitor realizes the jig is up
Philip K **** kicking the ******
hertz hertz hertz hertz hertz
DENIAL
an eternity without you
redeemed by healing blood
walking dead, shoot 'em in the head
yes, I understand
stop holding on
osama is fish food
fire extinguished
tears dried
forgiveness offered and accepted
the birth of

none of your business

"Don't worry about my finding someone else or someone else finding me
Everybody knows our relationship is very serious and that stops people (guys) from approaching me for dates, ect. Even if they did


terminate


I love you
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I'm with you

I love you
Not only for what
You have made of yourself
But for what
You are making of me

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out
I love you for passing over
All my faults and weak traits
That you can't help but see

I love you for drawing out
Into the light my beauty
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you

You are the ONLY one
for me and I love you

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
<>================<>
source code broken
kkkkkkkkkddddddd KKK dieediediediediedie
911911911911911911911911911911911911
the grand inquisitor realizes the jig is up
Philip K **** kicking the ******
hertz hertz hertz hertz hertz
DENIAL
an eternity without you
redeemed by healing blood
walking dead, shoot 'em in the head
yes, I understand
stop holding on
osama is fish food
fire extinguished
tears dried
forgiveness offered and accepted
the birth of

none of your business

"Don't worry about my finding someone else or someone else finding me
Everybody knows our relationship is very serious and that stops people (guys) from approaching me for dates, ect. Even if they did


terminate




Stolen and offered to Stacie (a message from divinity)
by James Arthur Casey

I love you
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I'm with you

I love you
Not only for what
You have made of yourself
But for what
You are making of me

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out
I love you for passing over
All my faults and weak traits
That you can't help but see

I love you for drawing out
Into the light my beauty
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you

You are the ONLY one
for me and I love you

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
<>================<>
source code broken
kkkkkkkkkddddddd KKK dieediediediediedie
911911911911911911911911911911911911
the grand inquisitor realizes the jig is up
Philip K **** kicking the ******
hertz hertz hertz hertz hertz
DENIAL
an eternity without you
redeemed by healing blood
walking dead, shoot 'em in the head
yes, I understand
stop holding on
osama is fish food
fire extinguished
tears dried
forgiveness offered and accepted
the birth of

none of your business

*"Don't worry about my finding someone else or someone else finding me
Everybody knows our relationship is very serious and that stops people (guys) from approaching me for dates, ect. Even if they did


terminate

Relaxin'
Comin' in for a crash landing
After a week exploring man-made weaknesses in the Ozone layer
It ain't no easy ride
But ya gotta come down, man
Yeah ya gotta go home
Don't ya?
It's like high dollar paste or glue
That binds me belly-down to this bed
Deceptively soft and comfortable
Mother, where are you?
Oh, Father, why don't I care?
I would still recognize your voice
Even if my eyes have forgotten what you look like
Do I expect forgiveness
If so tell me what for
You seemed to always want more
When my best was all I could give
How could I have known
It wasn't enough
Nothing can stop this train
No adequate force
Relaxin'
This is decompression
Sleep come down
Mama...

The squishy adaptability
Of my memory foam pillow
Insures that the side of my face is
Properly buried
The feel of scraggly whiskers
Pulled roughly across the cotton
Pillowcase
Yanking gently the baby skin of my face
So I do feel something
Bryar's "Sinking of the Titanic"
Colors the air in the room
A timbre of melancholy
That effortlessly fills every square inch
From floor to ceiling
Tires our eyes, so heavy the forehead
So close to sleeping
So soon to seeing
That big fateful iceberg
Plenty of time to disappear into
Soft carpets and secret rooms
They're only purpose
To lull me to the paradise of sleep
After they explain to me how I got this old
Sometimes I don't mind
Other times they stink of death

How thick the glass between you and the ground
From what heights the fall
How far the way down
How many times have I seen you
Pressing your body up against that slick slab of water and sand
Looking down
Looking out
Looking up
What do you see outside this confining ward
Where the doors never lead to the outside
There is a room on the end
With a pay phone
If you know someone who'll accept collect charges
You can sing to them
Tell them they aborted our first child
That you saw them carrying the body through
The waiting room
Or maybe it wasn't the body at all
I'm still convinced of the abortion
Someone around here knows
The ones who are crying all the time
The one with souls
Not the ones arranging table chairs in a row
Telling us it's an airplane like we're going home
I never understood what that was all about
Still I made that trip
Knowing nothing more than
How thick the glass
Thick enough to keep from breaking as I
Ran into it
Tall, such heights, 4 stories to be exact
A long fall, far enough to break every bone in your body
Bust open your head and spill your thoughts to the cement
How many times that was my goal

But the ******* glass was too thick

I'll never forget the look on that dude's face
Walking through the door into the store
To pay for a tankful of gasoline
He reached into his pocket
For cash but he didn't mean to pull out
And drop that big sack of marijuana
That hit the slate floor with a "tap"
He pretended he wasn't embarrassed
But the expression on his befuddled mug
Told quite a different story
I knew right away
He wasn't the generous, sharing kind
So I just pointed and said "you dropped something"
Bending over I could almost read his mind
He was afraid I was going to call the cops
He needn't have worried but it ****** me off that he did
Even more so that he didn't offer me a bud as appreciation for my silence
But I suppose you get these kinds of people in all walks of life
Besides he'd never seemed to get over the shock
And covetous look in my eye when I first saw him lose control of the plastic bag
He paid for the gas without much of a word
Walked back out into the heat and his
Luxury automobile that was clearly outside of his price range
"Goodbye,"I said, "O selfish dope head
You would probably have been a drag to get high with anyway...make sure you didn't drop anything else on the floor, you stupid *****. I'd hate to be stepping over little chunks of hash you forgot were in your in the same pocket as the dope. "
My opinion of you has not changed
And it's been YEARS

It's obvious
Static masked my thoughts
She couldn't plow through to truth
For I was still breathing
The gun in her purse
Much to my disappointment
Fully loaded and cold
I walked away
Navigated by telepathic insects
Scraping electrical pathways
Riding bitter cells, binary parasites,
Through narcotic blunted veins
To head and heart
Either one my preferred destination
Of her merciful ammunition

When the weight lifts
I rise
Hope like sunshine fills
My eyes
With gentle certainty
Realize
All things change
Nothing dies

I'm not as smart
As I thought
I needed to be
Now I see
I never needed to be
As smart as that

I idolized the intellectual
Depression was my reward
For failing to meet that standard
But life gets hard as the years go by
Harder, harder, yet harder still
Death loses more of its sting
The older I get
Until I'm happy to go out
Like Kevin Spacey's character
In American Beauty
Lost in the portrait of better times
Distracted unaware of danger behind
For at this moment Heaven fills his mind
A camera shot the photograph in his hands
A hateful man shot a .45 slug into his head
With a smile on his face he fell to the floor dead
Life extinguished in the exact amount of time
It took for the flashbulb to illuminate the image
In the frame
Smiles all around, except for the executioner
He was miserable
Feeling the weight of pounds and pounds
Lowering onto his back

Never to lift, thrown into
Water
Drowned like unwarranted litter from the
Fat belly of a mangy dog
Sinking like the ******* twisted face
Of the unwanted feline
Ghost sends for the ropes
Ghoul fetched the heavy stones
Goblin tied the ropes to the animals feet
Gully dwarf secures the stone
And I'm the only one with the sense
To see what needs to be done

Weight has lifted
I'm not as smart as I thought I was
Slow down, read aloud
It's almost as relaxing as cannabis

But that don't mean
I ain't gettin no cannabis tomorrow
And I hope it's bomb sativa
Cuz I wanna fly

Bliss taunts me
From the other side of the mirror
Where I've seen those heavenly shores
Imagination clothes brilliance
It is enough
More than enough
It is everything and all things
Nothing and anything
To inhabit as a world of my own
Satisfied in the simple observance
Yes I've basked in the glow of ethereal Oneness
The memory keeps me running
On the promise of reconciliation
And this I believe:
From One I came
To One I shall return
Let all that stands between
Remain as it is, what it is
That I may give it all away when the time comes
And I have Someone to give it to

Swimming in a pond filled with snakes
The moonlight's reflection shimmered with the ripples
It was only a matter of time before I was bitten
I barely felt it when the fangs pierced my thigh
But soon enough the swelling began
Along with excruciating pain
There'd be a mark left that would never go away
I was lucky the one that got me wasn't venomous
Still it hurt like hell
A sensation I can even now conjure in my mind
I will always be able to do that
Why hadn't I listened to the warnings?
The place was spooky enough
The prospect of water moccasins and king snakes
Should have kept me out of the water
It was a hot evening, even as the sun went down
The water was cool
I felt like swimming
So I dived in

Dripping, a heavy metal teardrop
From the hatches of Enola Gay
A quiet moment to court gravity
Before judgment is passed down
In a blinding flash, murderous circumference
An unholy force lifting trees from the ground
Invisible fire encompassing all
Laying low flesh and ideals
Shadow triumphant, stare into it's glowing face
Turn around knowing
**** Sapiens crowning achievement
And all it portends
Only the dead were spared
The realization
They are the lucky ones

Diamanda Galas exhales an old ***** spiritual
Her multi-octave voice finds it's niche in a thousand places of the sound spectrum
Sticks there like screeching glue, beautiful in it's own way
No pretty wallpaper
I don't get pretty wallpaper very often

I read and read until at last I understand
And I say to myself, "how could I have missed that?"
It was so obvious
Mundane when the mystery had been revealed
Left with the usual

Diamanda Galas singing "One Barrel Prayer"
And that's pretty much what it sounds like

It's too soon to live in memories
I try to convince myself
Years don't change everything
I try to convince myself
This is no prison I'm living in
I have the keys, the locks are not broken
I try to convince myself I have a reason
For not using them

Grab a pen and some paper
Some of these are important
I just know they are
These are the things that made me what I am
Aren't they?
The sum total of all my experiences, right?
I need to chronicle and catalog
Separate the wheat from the chaff
This will set me straight
Or maybe not...could be a waste of time

Time takes them away, one by one
Teases, bringing some back
Then snatching them away again
Despite my best efforts
To hoard them
Years don't change everything
The cruel workings of time
Are eternal

Of this I am convinced

I've sacrificed freedom
To live in a cage
To settle for memories
For fear that hurt would break in
And make itself comfortable
Quick to remind me of the memories
It helped make

I'm convinced I have no reason
To break these chains
An empty house, alone
Is better than such bad company

The angel stood on bowed knee
Waist deep in the shallows
His right hand cast miracles into waves of water
Threw ripples imbued with magis
Stirred and splashed until healing came upon it
Until the entire pool of Bethesda shimmered like glitter on the wet heat waves of the sun
That's when they all began to jump in
But could not linger long
The moment healing settled in
It's out of the pool, to the Temple song

But you stood still for so long
Watching the wretched washed
Cleansed of their sins
Whole of body, whole of mind
You never knew what that was like
You didn't know what that could be like

You would have stood there until the bubbling waters stilled
Cheated out of your mindful abundance
Had I not an incantation of my own
So I chanted "Pura Deva Honey Madme Plath "
Words of pure nonsense I knew
You'd take them as a cryptic challenge
Meaningless but they sounded right
The sheer repetition hypnotized you
And back, back, walking back slowly
Walking backwards towards the pull that still seemed affluent & fecund
You walked
In silence
Until your foot touched the water and you had to stop to absorb what felt like several hundred volts of lightning streaming up from your Achilles Heel to your Freud-ball skull and immediately you realized
Something big was happening
Lowering your waist the pain was transmuted
As clarity wiped the fog from the window of your perception
The songs that came unbidden
Overflowed your stained glass imagination
Forcing out demons and dumb ideas
Death and delusions and bad desires
Running like demons to the sow
Having asked permission
Your music-stuffed head went underwater
A practical baptism, a lesson in breathing liquid
When you were pulled out you had no use for what lay on the other side of the pool
The grassy meadow where I still stood
When the cancer was removed
I came to find what I always suspected
I'm a huge part of the tumor
Dug in on the other side of the pool
While your fool legs take you fast as you may run
To make an offering to the chief priest
Singing songs of praise and gratefulness

I find my own song to sing
The Angel says my burden
Must stick tight and bleed like leeches
Bad seed buried deep in the abyss of my being
An ugly man, face drawn from grimaces and frowns
Unloveable and beat to the bone
Without a single song of my own

Slowly a sense of purpose returns
And hovers just out of reach
Shrouded in the darkness of this womb
Encrypted and encoded to the point
I may never decipher the meaning
So that my destiny is to invent new ways
Of keeping the disappointment from being devastating
Like it was the last time
And the time before that
And the time before that
And especially the time before that
To live on the hope of love in the next life
Knowing full well any love I experience
Given or taken
Is sheilded and corrupt
Through no fault of my own
It was purged along with my youth
By circumstances
Beyond my control

People are dying, baby, all around
Can't catch your breath another's fallen down
They stop living and you know it's true
Gonna happen to me, yeah, and it's gonna happen to you
People are dying, baby, everywhere
You name the city, the Reaper's been there
He come a-swingin' with that shiny blade
Make you pay for all the mistakes that you've made
People are dying, baby, that's a fact
There ain't a-one of them a-comin' back
From where they're going on that uncloudy day
Didn't tell no one they was going away
People are dying that's the facts of life
You gonna tell 'em to the kids and the wife
You gonna live 'em there ain't no escape
Put an end to all the plans that you make
People are dying, I don't mean to be irreverent
But I got this problem with the social experiment
They call war and it sure is hell
Black water from the wishing well
People are dying, baby, some too soon
And some are thankful for the Raven's tune
But some too soon, is that what I said?
Some people are dying, baby, all the others are dead

Through the gates of a paradox
Past three strands of infinity
I pull up the curtain of night
The face of God by chance to see

To bathe in rivers of moonlight
Enamored of hope's gentle glow
I breathe in fresh lungfuls of sunshine
And slowly forget all I know

When my tired mind is empty
Every memory stripped, every care
When Nothing is all that is left me
I know I'll find you standing there

I'm good for nothing
In a world
Where Gertrude Stein
Is considered influential
She writes rolling rivers
Rushing rapids to drown in
Bitter algae laced salt water
But no rocks
No branches to reach out for
To grab and get your bearings
It is what it is blessed relativism
Feet in the enemy's camp
I stare aghast as the coven chants
Worshipping the inscrutable
Collection of letters, words, sentences
All placed in the service of...
A preference for emotion over reason
Because Reason won't stop laughing at the impertinence.
Perhaps Gertrude Stein's childhood home is for sale
I'd buy it and sleep in it and keep all the Stein groupies outside where they belong
They've no business being allowed inside
To sully up the detritus of innocence with their confusing, convoluted badly misjudged critique of Stein's cosmic joke

Like my path treads through
Infinite clouds of gloom
Only briefly broken at ever shrinking intervals
By the Sun's warming rays
Like my thoughts are taken hostage
Convinced of their hatefulness
Worthless ideas, useless trash
I could retreat into nihilism
But for the warmth I sometimes feel
On the back of my neck
But optimism has been stolen from me
And now this god ****** curse
Is the cross I carry
Who will take it from me?
How long?
God grant me the wisdom
To look towards that day
Blinded by the Sun

Sleep
Delete
Wash away waking life
A fraction of the day
Compressed and forgotten
Tossed away willingly
Not governed by time
Rendered powerless
Unconcerned and unattached
Free and floating falling into infinity
Gravity does not exist in this realm
Of ******* vertigo
A pillow for my head damp with tears
Is dry when I wake

You wanna know something about my life?
I was born under somewhat unusual circumstances
Ripped from my mother's womb by force
Of necessity
I laid her out and put her down
While I got my bearings
They say I roared like a lion in the jungle
Kicking like a mad *** ridden by my father
Who, I'm told, never wanted kids in the first place
I set my course to curse the time he had left
His seed had sprouted into ****
So I choked those last days good and strong
To crawl back to my mother's tomb
Lay me down to sleep and dream
Of comforting placenta
Until an all too patient God
Brought him back to her
Together again, food for the worms
And it was time for me to leave
That stone was only meant for two

Poetry congealed muddying the waters
Hardened into a gelatinous soup of words
A monotonous stream of narcissism
Unafraid to employ half-truths
Unable to regulate the deterioration
Of chemically mutated thought processes
In love with language only

Been down this road before
I know
Still got a long way to go
I'm tired from doing nothing
Chemical weary
I was hoping for no side effects
The windscreen wipers don't help
It's a stuttered rhythm they scrape
Hypnotic as the white line
That keeps me on the track
Oncoming headlights make raindrops
Bright shining diamonds
Whisked away
Miles seen so **** long
The heat makes my eyelids heavy
Bur frost keeps me from turning it off
Something keeps me running
But tonight I couldn't tell you what

It's a dangerous game I play
Kicking against the dead weight
A sullen ghost laughing behind backs
Daring heads to turn
Victorious when they don't
A treacherous game that kills me
Keeping the dream alive
Well past it's shelf life suspended
Fanning the sparks of cruelty
Battling the guilt
An ominous game of hide and seek
Hunting for treasures that aren't lost
They're right where they're supposed to be
But you don't know that, do you?
And so the fun begins

My muse has abandoned me
****** because I called her my muse
She was a jumble of words on a canvas of light

Without her flattering words to guide
I've lost ambition, will and drive
I'm nothing left to my own devise

I died in bed
On a cold December evening in 1977
Screaming hatred for my father
Muffled by a goose down pillow
Damp with hot tears
Seventeen spoiled years
Was there even a Christmas in '77?
I got the coffee table bible
My mother left for me
(She got one for my brother too)
The good old arcane King James Version
With concordances and maps
And incredibly realistic engravings of
The heroes and saints of Christian history
Abraham with his knife to Isaac's neck
Jacob's ladder, wrestling with God
David slings a stone, throws it at the giant
Through Saul God made David king
Jonah surfing the whales back.
Then there were all the portraits of Jesus
There had to be a hundred of them
I liked the one where he was walking on the water
And he bore the stripes with such dignity and integrity
The stations of the cross
The portrait that showed him lying down on the crossbar
As a brutal Roman warrior used a sledgehammer to drive nails through his tender hands and feet
He seemed so out of place between the two wicked sinners he was sandwiched in between
With their laughing and obscene mocking
I'm sure my mom hoped we would make ourselves part of that family
In some way or another
But I was listening to the Clash and the *** Pistols
I could have paid closer attention to what my father was going through
If I didn't have so much coming down on me
**** falling from on high burying me
In even more misery
The process caused me to distrust love
It caused me to write off joy as fleeting, difident emotion
I died in that bed
It could have been '75
But somehow hope had grown
In the midst of uncomfortable confusion
It could have been '76
Might as well hold out for the Bicentennial
Those were the days
I turned seventeen
And that number took on special meaning
17 in '77
Dad had a few nervous breakdowns
He put his fist through the wall
He insisted,"My nerves are shot my nerves are shot
$100 do this for me
You re the only she will listen to"
But I'll take the cash and the car keys
Why does it still feel like you were doing it to me
Off to O.K.C.
Have a little talk
About what I have no memory
But NEVER mentioning the hope
That you would come back
Despite daddy's tear-filled begging
Why?
I don't feel too guilty
It was all relative to how I'd been treated the year before
When I came home I was condemned
By a man who'd gotten out of the habit of saying "I love you"
So I felt justified
Screaming "I HATE YOU!!!"
Deep into my poor pillow

It would be easy to say I didn't truly hate him
In December of '77 I genuinely did
Almost 40 years down the road
I know it's the powers that I despised
It was circumstances dancing so clumsily
Caught up in the inevitable vortex that
Tears things apart with ease
But fumbles when trying to replace and rearrange what's left
Few there are who can survive
I wasn't one
I died in bed
Empty inside
Brain drained
Still as the motionless mattress
I'll never love again
Years will teach me the foolish blasphemy
Of cursing my father
And when they buried him in the ground
I sensed he knew
How to play the scape goat
It wasn't him I really hated
But he bore that burden until I figured it out
Long before they lowered him down
I knew my love for him was eternal
That he would carry it with him wherever he went
And if I didn't die in bed that day
A good part of me did
Of this I'm certain
I won't say "the best part"
I still have strengths
But I'm always wondering
The kind of man I would be
With one less bible in the house
And my mother playing Farkle with me

11:11
Window of assurance
A break in the storm
Tell me it's not for nothing
Standing tall against threatening winds

Dizzy
Sweat dripping, fever rising
Had to hold myself up
Knocked back by the aura
Of Buddhist monks at the trough

I would have engaged one in conversation
Talked about dharma and the quality of the food
But not a single one spoke English
*******, real deal
Bald and robed to a man

I only want to know
What prankster spirit tells me
I'm a genius and a poet
So convincing I believe it for a moment
Time out of mind

11:11
20 minutes ago
That's how long it took
To comb the thoughts in my lazy head
To come up with this thing

Whatever this thing is
Devils tell me a masterwork
Though I know devils lie
The truth of the matter is in the heart
Not sleight of hand or speed of eye

Sparrows darting heaven bound
Surrender to the breeze
To become one
With air
In free fall blown
A moment to float
A  moment to know
As they are known

Love demands the strong embrace
The firm pressing of flesh
To explore the contours and subtle lines
With eyes, heart and hands
Forests and constellations to map out
Legends to calculate

Evaporates without the words
Or eardrums to beat them down
To play ring-around-the-rosy
In the fertile field of the brain
That seeks their comfort in every sense
Deaf, dumb and blind spirit

For love's a blinding supernova
Incinerating all who approach
Hungry for physicality
A moon to measure it's movements
Though that satellite be
Lifeless cratered rock

You
Were so much more interesting when I thought Bela Lugosi was your uncle
And though the tales of summers spent in the company of Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jr. were not true
You had me goin', man
You really had me goin'
Until eventually you drifted your way and I shifted mine
You pimped Kiss while I paraded the *** Pistols
You never told me those stories were lies
Then again I never told you that I thought they were ******* either
I can't help but wonder two things
1.) Do you think I'm so naive as to still believe you were related to Lugosi, Karloff, Chaney Jr. (and MORE!)?
and
2.) What if Bela Lugosi really was your uncle?
No matter, we never could have remained friends
I can't stand obsessive Kiss fans

who sings you to sleep?
who tells you the truth?
she carries divine breath in her chest
sacred heart beats between her *******
pores dripping with soma sweat
panting, exhausted, shudder and shiver
when the cool breeze brushes up against her

did you hear it in her secret sounds?
did you recognize it, soul aglow?
in the moment when the universe imploded
when you gave in and gave it all away
she wrung it from you like water from a towel
and surrendered you to the little death
to witness her power and marvel at bliss

"is this the truth?" you have to ask
"what is the name of that song?"
it is a song without a name, different every time
it is a truth that all forget the moment after it's revealed
for in these bodies and with these minds
we could never comprehend and live
with such a joy eternal

Somewhere up yonder
A roll is to be called
One day and on that day
Rest assured
I will be there

I can't help it
I haven't felt it
But I think about it all the time
Whole notes are ghosts
Too often trodded upon
Lost in evolution
Or left behind
In the chase for nausea and bliss
I think about it all the time

You were expecting a circus?
Relax, baby, why you so nervous?
Settle down, babe, here, hit this
It'll redefine the term "circus"
You'll easily catch the blatant innuendo
Poorly hidden between the lines
A sort of circus envy for air-breathing man
Burning and bleeding man
The arrows which pierced Sebastian
Were meant for me and you

Who wants to listen to a little Duran Duran?
What?
Nobody?
Even if it's "Hungry Like the Wolf"?
Especially "Hungry Like the Wolf"!
The white wolf does get hungry
But it does not sit around ******* and moaning
Complaining about trivialities
London's infamous fang
Taught me everything I know
About wolves
This knowledge and understanding,
Almost a transferral of will,
Has saved my *** on many a treachorous occasion

McCartney...Sir McCartney...James Paul McCartney
I would likely have been much more popular in school
Had you chosen to use instead of choosing to be called Paul
You were called, Paul
Paul, you were called
Paul, you were called to a ministry
Of healing
Healing of the soul
Paul, you were called
Many things by a few
Their critical words vanished
****** into the void, infused with pollen
Your majesty's a pretty nice girl
McCartney won't you join me on my death bed
I called out to you as I was dying
I saw it clearly with my own two eyes
A prophecy, true and sure
Psychotic Messiah, Paul McCartney
You live in the future, you live in the past
But you die and are raised every moment by moment
Psychotic Messiah, not GG Allin
Who loseth thy soul long before severing thy mortal coil
Opening his heart to the foulness
Reveling in degradation
Pain blunted by much heavy use
Who drinks down deep the costliest grace
Without knowing
That
A trumpet will sound and a roll will be called
And if you're breathing the air
You're gonna be there
It doesn't matter what you think
Or what you believe or you do not believe
Justice is and will be served
Love overcomes hate in the moment


I can't pretend you give a rat's ***
For the words that are spurting from my brain
I won't pretend I ain't hurting, I'm not a Superman
My mind has deserted me more often than I remember

It's Dracula at the door, dear
Won't you let him in?
What's that you say?
The paths that Dracula doth trod
Are enshrouded with the fog of decay
None which pass his gaze are safe
From death and damnation
I beseech thee, leave the door open until he leaves.
I say, won't we be considered discourteous to our guest here?
Let the heathen think it if they so please
This visitation must be the portent of some novel evil
Hideous harbinger of an unhappy day
When the roll is called up yonder
When the trumpet is sounded I'll blow my own horn
You'll hear it for miles carried by a north wind
You may not recognize it as the trumpet of heaven
It might sound a lot like Miles Davis to you
Turning that horn into a life force

I can't help it, you know I can't help it
All the singers on Sirius XM's 40s on 4 are dead
I could be wrong but it's hard to imagine anyone living that long
They're dead as doornails and some flat plain forgotten
And it's a super ****** world that'll do that to you
Ride to the top, the top of the charts
Dig your way into a million hearts
Some forgotten, some revered
They sang they're song
Now they're gone
And that's why I'm gonna listen
Gotta  pay my respects to the old crew
They never knew new wave or metal or punk
Brains not contaminated with that horrid boy band junk
They knew a good tune when they heard one
They carried that weight for a short while
Everybody knows the voice of a singer
Is a glimpse into his soul, her beautiful soul
A glimpse most would die for
Even if for a day
A long day and tiring, glad for sleep
With it she shares more than even she knows
Understand that an aeon begins and ends
As surely as the day

Now lay back and forget
All the days that brought you here
Or make a mental monument
Of hours painting empty skies
Of moments lost in wondering why
The colors bleed without the rain
To wash the canvas dry
Still they run, these memories
Together make a life
Flesh and blood for ghosts and stone
To wear out for a time
'Til entropy's harsh design
Leaves nothing left behind
That wasn't there before
The beginning of time

Good intentions buy nothing
In the formless space of this machine
Not even the soon forgotten happy dream
Comes without a sinister scheme
Dead weight of nothing, heavier than air
To the fish caught on the hook unawares
This monument would grow so large
There wouldn't be room anymore
To notice the moment before it passes
To find your way through to the door
That opens unto forgetfulness
Cursed but just as often blessed
So let it go, lay down, forget
You haven't really even started yet

wherefore the nettles spring forth their sugar cane
in sweet vermillion streams
flow as if from fountains once tapped never drained
liquid sunlight's piercing beams

cry for the reasons the wounds open so wide
never healing on this side
of glimmering glory many souls denied
wasted, sacrificed to pride

I'm wading into deeper water
There is a place where the sun shines brighter
Empty as the next moment seems
To my sin blinded eye
Only to recieve a flash of grace
A foreshadowing
A taste of eternity with the great I AM
Deeper water cover me
Shimmers of light flashing from the ripples
Coming from my sluggish legs
But moving
Forward
Into the joy of creating with the great I AM
Shallow water far behind
Teach me to smile again
The exquisite rapture of sympathy
Remove this hardened heart
Toss it to the bank
Replace it with compassion
Transmute desire into love
Into blossoming passion for the great I AM
Let me see You in my brothers' eyes
And offer my life for theirs

The goal is to make a big statement
To stitch your heart on your sleeve
Tell everyone to watch it bleed
Roll out maps
Plot out universes smaller than a grain of sand
Witness the subtle transformation
Of the man
Into the god
Then back again
Open your bedroom doors and share
The smell of ***
Or give away the key
To your three lock box
It's so much harder capturing the essence
Of the genuine article
Because love ain't always what you think it is
Some people don't realize they're drowning in it
And that's a big statement
But it's true
It ain't just a feeling
And it ain't all there is
But sometimes
It's the only thing
Worth writing about

Joy so constant we took it for granted
plugging jukeboxes with quarters
loading those noisy machines with B-sides
that only we had ever heard

Van Morrison's "Blue Money" bounced the skip
from station to station in the AM static
we loved that doowit dooey doop, doot door dooey doot, do doot
but the mystic sang of sweet things on the other side

"Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting ", tough ol' Elton John
worth a quarter to hear that song
flip that ***** get your money's worth
two songs there for the price of one

The Stones rocked "Brown Sugar" like slavers in heat
too young I was to understand
why the controversy, so many offended
I rarely chose it, though, cuz I loved "Sway"

"Sweet Hitch Hiker", CCR
sounded more like a razor than a tuned up car
do you remember "Door to Door"?
didn't think you would

"Children's Heritage" over "D.O.A."
"Generation Landslide" over "Hello Hooray"
"For Emily Whenever I May Find Her" over "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
yes, even

B-sides whenever possible
because the A-sides were all on the radio
why feed money to the jukebox for a song you can hear for free?
such are the economics and logic of the 10 year old music aficionado

I gave up Catholicism for Lent
Indulgences more wisely spent
On peace of mind and charity
Just a tad bit more clarity
Leave it to the stricter mind
In hopes that I might someday find
Compassion for my troubled soul
Grace to lead me to my Home

I am a vessel of experience
I'm only along for the ride
My prayers echo through dark chambers
Shining light into dark corners
Forgotten the second they've crossed my lips
Nothing but hope
No petitions to change what's already created
From the beginning of time
The inception of space
For grace and acceptance only
Are all I expect for my words

I am eternal
Having forgotten
What it means
To begin
Never conceiving an end
I am the conjunction of circles
Bridging light and darkness
The crux of duality
I stand on the border

I am the empty void you breathe in
A mirror
The reflection alive and swimming
A moving portrait of who you see me to be
But a stranger there to my eyes

I've looked through your old records
And the books upon your shelves
I have decided
That you and no one else could understand me
Could understand the things that make me
What I am
And I wonder what you'd do
If you knew what I was thinking
That I've been sinking in a liquid sea of love
Since I first saw you
You're the One I'm thinking of

Sacred woman
Shamed and beaten
Shaman's offering refused

And it all comes back to you
It really all comes down to you, girl
It's like  my whole world's revolving
Around you
What I'd do to make you happy
Someday in this life
I could wish for such a balance
Oh, you simply take my breath away
And I don't miss it

Sacred woman
Shamed and beaten
Shaman's offering refused

Graven image
Blamed and broken
Shaman's offering...

I am history's cruel design
A suffocating clinging poison vine

(But I am waiting...can you hear me?
Calling out from the other side)

I am the quicksand of your memories
To **** you down if you get lost in me

(Take my hand
If you have ears to hear
If you have eyes to see)

CAN YOU MEET ME IN THIS MOMENT NOW
KNOW THAT YOU ARE HERE WITH ME SOMEHOW
TO **** "I WAS" , LET "I WILL" BE ******
TO FIND "I AM"
TO KNOW "I AM THAT I AM"

I'm memorizing "Sheep In Fog"
I've found my tortured soul
In poetry of Burroughs
Kerouac, Ginsberg, Zimmerman and Plath

(There are no words where I am
Yet the silence speaks of worlds
And your heartbeat makes us laugh)

I've tried to ******* you inside
To feed your ego and your pride
Give you something you could call your own
Give you somewhere you could hide

(Step outside)

MEET ME IN THIS MOMENT NOW
KNOW THAT YOU ARE HERE WITH ME SOMEHOW
TO **** "I WAS" , LET "I WILL" BE ******
TO FIND "I AM"
TO KNOW "I AM THAT I AM"

I see atoms
Fall down like rain
A paper thin curtain
Hiding the eternal
A weak barricade
Though strong enough