The sister side

A million miles above the ground
Sifting through blue sky's and puffy white clouds
I stare out of my window to the tiny tiny city below
Foolishly search for a chance to see you and your microscopic car
We were just laughing and being silly in it just 5 mins ago
Now I soar through the sky
Poorly fighting tears
Our goodbye was cut so short
Stupid man demanding you get "behind the line"
And you were only trying to help me
I don't think I give you enough credit for all the ways you try and help me
Sometimes I take your advice defensively...
When really you're just trying to teach me ways to protect my sensitive heart
A million miles above you, I promise I'm going to work on not being so sensitive and being more tough like you
I look up to you as if you're the older sister
Funny how that works... Sometimes it drives me crazy, other days I couldn't be more proud
Life has changed for us so many times
But, we were usually there to get through it together
It's not that easy anymore
I'm here
You're there
And were about to experience one of  our most dramatic changes yet
I'm about to be a mommy
You're about to become an aunt
As time has passed, you've gotten so much more excited with the idea of being an aunt
And you'll never know how much that warms my heart, and how much I needed your support
It wasn't planned this way
We were supposed to be neighbors
Raise our kids as instant best friends
We've become wedged between a rock and a hard place
My life like a roller coaster  had 1000 ups and downs
And when I finally got off the ride
I landed 633 miles away from you
At one point I thought it wouldn't matter
We weren't as close as wed been years before
How much would our separation matter to you? To me? At all?
Well it turns out an older sister never wants to be so far she can't be there to protect her little sister
To go hangout with her little sister
Have girl talks and laugh until we snort
And despite our arguments at times
To be around one of those people who just get you
Who know you better than you know yourself at times...
You'd think staring down into the ocean would calm my nerves
But, I'm so angry our goodbye was cut so short
I barely got to hug you as I started choking out my "I love you's and I miss yous" before having to run off and barely make it to this tiny plane
Just to sit here and cry large tears in silence, envisioning myself being torn away from you
It's so hard to get used to being so far away from the little girl who was my shadow for so long
And the little girl I took anybody on for
I know our bond was strained and put to the ultimate test or tests I should say...
And we both felt like giving up at times
But we didn't
Because despite the hurt, anger, lies and struggles, we knew what we used to be was in arms length
Even if we're not currently
Things change in a blink of an eye as we are so familiar with
And there's no doubt in my mind that no amount of miles will stop you from being that awesome aunt you're destined to be
And the great sister you already are
So even though I'm above the clouds and quickly distancing our gap
I'm with you
I'm sitting next to you right now trying to get the baby to kick for you
To laugh when we get lost in the airport parking lot
Enter of restricted area possible
And eventually go backwards to get to our destination
I close my eyes and I'm laughing all over again with you in the passenger seat
To admiring your braveness and blatant disregard for the guard trying to get you to leave my side
That's just it
That's just what sisters do
If we can't be at each other's side
We always have each other's backs
We always have each other
I'm waving to you through the clouds
Knowing soon I'll see you waiting with a pouty smile again on the other side of the clouds
It gives me something wonderful to look forward to
The baby just kicked 4 times in a row
She's looking forward to it too
To meeting the wonderful you
On the other side of the clouds, the sunny side

The sister side

I don't understand my life
According to the quote "rock bottom"
I've hit it
But I don't feel the bottom under my feet
I'm still falling
And I grasp for any ledge I can as I fall
But they crumble as soon as my feet touch
Or I kick my feet from underneath me because I'm only comfortable during chaos
As if the excitement of falling is what I seek
It doesn't make any sense to me
And no matter how hard I try to stand, my legs wobble and I slip
I'm not satisfied with my life
But, I don't know how to change
So I guess I'll just keep falling
And falling
Wondering what lies beneath

You're an addiction I need to quit
A dangerous habit I need to force myself to kick
The good feelings I get that run deep in my veins never last long
Before I know it, I'm used up and you're gone
The explosion of emotions I go through are too intense to take
I go crazy trying to think of excuses to see you, no matter how fake
When you come back around it's never as good as the last
And I'm starting to wish id never met you and that these cravings would pass
But when I pull away, you cling on to me
You know what to say, what to do to make me weak and you ignore my muttered pleas
You know you're bad for me, you're aware that you have me hooked
I try to scream no, but all it takes from you is just one look
I'm losing myself to you
Trying to claw my way out, clutchin at anything or anyone to run back to
You are the drug and I'm your best buyer
I confuse all these feelings with love like emotions, even though I know you're nothing but a liar
I'm numbing my feelings of emptiness with you
And I know you're lonely too
But what you won't allow yourself to see is, I'm not using you the same way you're using me

It's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta

The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away.
I don't even want to walk away
I get choked up just at the thought of you finally believing me when I tell you "I'm done."
We play tug of war with each other
Constantly pushing the other well past their limits knowingly and neither one of us knows what we're gonna do when one of us finally gives.
This conversation we've had a 1000 times but we never come to a solution
Do you obsess over this like I do?
Am I just going crazy with all this? Tell me if I'm reading into things that aren't there? Am I hearing words that you aren't saying? Or twisting the ones that you are saying?
****** why do you just shrug with a blank stare?
Are you just tolerating all this?? Am I falling and falling into purgatory?
Oh my god, here I go again! 3:11am and I am wondering and hoping if that blocked missed call was you.. Chewing on my finger nails hoping you'll or whoever will call back.. Curiosity is a *****.. Constant questions make me feel insane. Do you think I'm insane? Are you just as crazy? Or are you just as attached as I am but can hide it like a champ??

I'm not even tired but I'm talking to myself.. Having a conversation alone trying to answer for you. No answer ever really satisfies me because good or bad I argue it and try to disprove it..
Oh, do I ever need to back off and fall back.. Fall quietly back so you won't notice enough to a argue with me to stop. You always say stop. Just stop. Stop what?

Stop what???

How could it come to this?
Where did this fork in the road come from, and why didn't we go the same way?
I thought we were on the same path
How come you suddenly sped up and I couldn't follow?
You were always right there
With a goofy grin and cozy arm
Laying beside you was my favorite thing to do
Everything with you was an adventure
It always felt brand new
As clumsy as I was, and as much as I fumbled my words.. I always felt the best around you
How come you took that away?
It feels like it must be something I did
Something I said, something I forgot to say..
I've spent so much time wondering and missing you and the "what we could've been?"
I've surpassed the time we were actually bonded together
But, I just didn't see an end with us
Things got hard sometimes, but that's just life
I always thought we brought out the better person in each other
How can you forget the endless laughter?
I haven't forgotten my endless tears..
How come you have?
Why does it feel like you strung me along to continue to satisfy your needs?
Afraid to be alone when she wasn't around?
How could I be so pathetic that I sat there and let my heart break just so I could keep a piece of you..
A piece
A piece I also lost
There was no battle
There wasn't a war
Just you surrendering with your white flag and vanishing from the battlefield
As I stood there bruised and battered
Crying and falling to my knees pleading
How could you let me do that?
I wanted a clean break
You clung onto me and I let you
So whose fault is this really?
I retreated so slowly
Always looking over my shoulder
Whispering "come back"
But, you're not
If you did, I wouldn't even know what to feel
You left when I needed you most
Difficult as I could be, I was always there when you needed me
But, this isn't tick for tac
I wish letting go meant what it says
Yes, I've let the idea of us go
But, I still miss you
I still wish on that tiny star in the sky sometimes
How could I dream of you, when you don't even think of me?
It's not about actions
Or words
Just facts
And the fact is, I'm still asking "how come" when you're not even asking "How are you?"
You started a spark, which caused a fire
How come I wasn't around to watch it go out, and how come I didn't see you throw water on the flames?
Why are these silly sad tears back on my face?
When do I start to be angry and resent you for all this?
Why is it that I just can't?
I still remember everyday we spent together like it was yesterday
I see my smiles in pictures
They've all faded
And my hearts become a broken record
And a stomping ground
How could it come to me almost wishing we'd never met, so I wouldn't have to hurt like this?

If you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and ****, so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to ******* off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you???


I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. ****, you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that ******* blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago...

There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some *******, I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less

Oh **** I forgot one of the biggest things ken told me, That YOU WERE WITH SOME CHICK! And that's one of the things you swore you'd always be honest about, that you prided yourself on not be a cheater or scumbag like that of any kind.. And I believed you.. Even of my moments of severe paranoia jealous and worry, I believed deep down that's not the kinda guy you were and you'd never want to hurt someone the way you were hurt like that.. And when he told me that, that's what convinced me to go down there and waste money and have to deal with him even though I can't ****** stand him. He said you'd just been there with her talking **** about me and I thought, maybe they're still there and I can see with my own eyes, or maybe when I see ken in person I'll know he's lying.. But I didn't get a chance because he stole my money and ran.. Then said you told him to do it with the one response I managed to get. All that was like being punched in the gut repeatedly and I got to walk through kp crying while drug dealers asked if I ****** ****.. How true it is when you say I'm so gullible and naive. I feel so stupid like such a huge horrible joke.

Is this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******* and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you...

I love you

How can you hold something so tight
Your knuckles are white
Your jaw is clenched
Tears are always on the brim of your eyes
Fear tapping on your shoulder
Pain'll lessen if you open your hand
Let go of your grasp
But, the thought of letting go hurts a little more than holding on..
How is holding something so tight that's not even there, be so hard to let go of?

Not like you

Just thought you should know my moms uncle George, who married you guys, he just died an hour ago.

Idk why I even told you! It's not like you're gonna say anything or even remember that time of your life! You aren't even interested in the fact that me, being your blood daughter having a child, makes you a grandfather nmw I feel. You still say nothing! Show no interest! I am praying for the day that I can forgive all your short comings and hurt you've put me through, so that I stop being angry and hurt and won't have any guilt when your time comes unlike uncle George's son. Cause I tried ******! Since I was 13 I've tried, and me not being around makes no difference, you care about ****** no one but yourself! I hope one day you look in the mirror and see your dads face and not yours. Maybe you'll wake up. And trust me, everything will turn out like I want it to cause I had one parent showing me the right thing to do my whole life! NOT BE YOU!!!!

I saw a chance for forever in your eyes
Am I blind?
Or are you the one too stubborn to embrace what's standing right in front of you?
I can't stand here much longer
I'm slowly wasting away
All on a gamble
Am I seeing what doesn't exist?
Or are you seeing the world but, too afraid to grab it for fear of losin it?
Well if it is there
Grab me, squeeze tight and don't ever let me go
My heart only beats for you
But, it won't forever
I can't lose out on the unknown because I so badly want you to just be my diamond in the ruff
So open your eyes
See what you see
And hold me
Or release me

If I were to lay down here
So quietly that the silence became deafening
That the cold became freezing
The hunger became starving
The air became thin...

Would you just let me lay here until the end?

Sometimes the heart breaks in funny ways
It doesn't shatter completely but a piece breaks off that you needed
That you counted on to feel happy or content or full
And once it breaks off, and you see it slowly fall, all you can do is shake your head in disbelief and wipe away those silent steady tears
Whatever happened
Whatever made it split and fall to pieces at your feet is something you didn't expect
Something you refused to believe could happen
Trust starts to crumble
Doubts flood your mind
And it's so confusing because your hearts not totally broken
But you're not sure if you can keep living the same way without that piece
Thoughts you've never had enter your mind
Obvious answers plague you
Would it just be better if it broke into so many pieces I couldn't even remember the one that's hurting so badly right now?
Or is there a chance it can be mended back, and even if just put back together with a band aid the wound will start to heal?
Is it worth the risk? To step over it and try to find a way to put it back together?
Or should I stare at the broken piece until I let the rest of my heart understand exactly just what that means...
The heart breaks in funny ways
But I don't hear any laughter
I don't hear anything at all...

Thoughts of you plunge through my veins
Before I know it, I'm on my knees in crippling pain
Like always, I'm alone but surrounded by thoughts of you
My mind races and there's nothing I can do
Why am I a slave for you?
You crack the whip and there's nothing I won't do
I just want your attention
Your affection
It comes so rarely
I'm like a drug addict craving my next fix
And there's no drug as sweet as a taste if you
You have this power over me that I can't explain
Even when I say no, I won't keep my word for long
You never keep your word for long either
The difference is when I breakdown you get what you want
You always win
And I lay here trapped
What more could I do?
Rip my heart out of my chest and hand it to you?
So you could physically feel it beating rapidly and frantically for you?
Would it matter?
Would it change a thing?
Then if you could feel what these games do to me, would you change?
Could you change?
I just want a chance to come first
I want you to live up to the pretty words you tell me to convince me not to leave
That being crippled by you is worth it because I have a hold on your heart too
That all this pain and confusion is worth something
Or would you just stand there, my heart rapidly beating in your hands and completely exposed
Would you just smile as you toss it back and forth with your greedy hands?
Laughing it off as I start to wilt each time you carelessly throw it in the air
I crumble with regret because there was nothing I could do to make my heart matter to you
I press my head on the cold floor and let my eyes shut
If you're gonna have my heart one way or the other, I might as well let my feelings bleed out
And lay here until there's nothing left
My veins run cold
I go numb
The high you gave me does nothing now
I still see you dangling my aching heart in my face
Clueless to what you've done
But for the first time, I feel nothing
Just nothing
My heart may be in your hands
But it's empty
You might start to feel your loss of power as it starts to shrivel in your hands
And I'll lay very still, but peacefully on that cold floor
You may have my heart in your hands
But it died
And I finally feel nothing

I called you today
Itd been months since we last spoke
And it was brief and awkward
I thought I was doing the right thing by reaching out to you
But I felt worse selfishly...
My phone call meant nothing to you
You couldn't even muster the strength to pretend to care
It was like you answered the phone to be cold, disinterested and just down right cruel
I know you heard my voice shaking
I know you know that it took all the courage I had inside me to dail that number
Our relationship is no relationship at all
You won't open the door
Even though I keep knocking
Why do I stand in the doorway, shut out, locked out?
Why do I think a relationship with you with fulfill my life?
Why did I think a "granddaughter" would light a fire under you?
Make you want to really hear mom's words from all those years ago, and reach back
Grab my hand and just say "I'm sorry"
But after all the venom spewed by me in furious moments... You felt you'd earned the right of the victim role
It makes cry and gag at the same time
I've been the victim of your bad parenting my whole life
The victim of your vicious words
Lack of respect and sensitivity
Helpless to your violent ways
But yet, I kept pleading with you to help me fix us
But in your eyes only I need fixing
And even if you don't feel that way, you refuse to admit it
My hearts been broken too many times to go on this
Nothing about you is home to me
I called you today
You took 2 mins to make me feel small and unlovable
It took me 24hrs to get your voice and your lack of concern outta my head
I may always want you to be part of my life
Even though, you've done nothing to earn me continuously being the bigger person
The sad goodbye
The phone call I instantly regretted
Made me wonder if you'd regret it one day too
But I hung up the phone while in the midst of a teary goodbye
I won't call again
I won't
I can't
The line is dead

There's a unique struggle when you're breaking down inside but, you force yourself to look at your face in the mirror

Tear rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks and trembling lips
The hatred you have inside makes you feel as if you're on fire and you turn the cold water on, but just let it run

You're screaming in your mind
"Don't you cry!"
"Don't you dare fall apart like you always do!"
"I can't pick up the pieces anymore... I don't believe in you anymore..."

Your lips stop trembling for a moment
You're not burning anymore, you've gone ice cold as those last words echo in your head.. You continue to stare at yourself and slowly start to lose your breath

It's not the hardest thing in the world to face yourself as you say "I don't believe in you anymore."
That heartbroken look on your face is something you've grown accustom to

What's hard.. Where the unique struggle comes in, is when you turn away from the mirror and head to the other room
Voices of words you can't make out fill the halls as you get closer

You reach the end of the hall and you try not to blankly stare
Not to flinch, tremble or even breath above a whisper
Eyes lingering at you from every direction, no escaping

You know what it's like to stare into your own lifeless eyes, and feel nothing as everything inside of you rots
But the really hard part..
The part that'll never get easier...

Is meeting the gazes of people who no longer believe in you
That's where the struggle begins
Because you know you've given up.. But they won't come out and tell you they no longer have hope for you either.And behind their comforting words, you know they're hollow
They look through you, not at you
Because you're just a shadow of who you used to be

That's when you have to find whatever strength you have left
Even so microscopic and cling onto it for dear life and hold on...

Until the rooms are silent and empty
The mirrors are shattered on the floor
And there's no one left to see..
Nothing left for you to be able to see..

The unique struggle is over
You can let go and crumple lifelessly on the floor and just fall apart
Alone, with no eyes anywhere to watch...


Someone... Please... I'm falling apart....

When I met you it was spring in full bloom
Our summer was star filled endless heated nights
But by fall, we were falling apart just like the leaves slowly drifting to the ground
My winter was dark with cold endless nights and my heart shattered from becoming so frozen
The spring had no sun, just down pours of sharp rain drops
The summer heat suffocated me with memories of us
The leaves didn't change colors in the fall, they just slowly began to die
The winter was bitter cold. But, I could no longer feel anything but the frozen tear drops on my face

What can I do?
Tell me how to help
To ease the ache in your heart
And stop that tear from falling from the corner of your eye
I know you're hurting
I can feel your soul crying
It makes me crazy because I just want to stop your heart from bleeding
I want to save you
Like you've saved me all these years
I want to stop the pain just like you've done for me so many times
I want to chase all the agony away because I see it stripping the life out of you
And you're the last person on this earth that should look as sad as you do
You put up a strong front
But, I think the dam is about to burst and I'm scared to death you'll drown in it
And I won't be able to get to you in time
And my heart will drown and wash away with you
Because you are my heart
You're who kept me strong when I was barely holding on
I want, I need to be that same lifeline to you now
Pull you out of the rain
And let the sun dry all your tears and chase off all your fears
You've always been the strong one, the one who just pushed through the bad times and bulldozed anyone who go in your way or our way
Me and Sam... We think the world of you
You're the glue that holds us together when all we want to do is fall apart
We've spent so much time leaning on you, the foundation of our lives
Maybe we over looked you cracking
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for being selfish and forgetting that mom's need help sometimes too
I'm always gonna need you
Sam's always gonna need you
But, we know the other side has another side
And all I want to do is lend you my heart and my hand
Let me be a foundation you can lean on
I won't act as if I understand everything you're going through
I just promise you that you don't have to go through it alone
I'm behind you 100%
Just like you always have been for us
If there's one thing I've learned in my life time, it's that I can count on you
And I know it's not much but, you can count on me too
I'd give you my last breath if that was the cost to make you whole again
Because you're broken
And it burns me up inside
I walk into this tense, cold house and I want to burn it to ground
With all the things that ale you inside of it
I'd swim a million miles if I had to to bring you back to shore
If you jump, I jump
And like a hero, I'd catch you falling from the sky
Cause I learned that from you, my hero
You're not alone
I know I can't fix all the lonely
But you deserve to be forever smiling
You deserve a plush seat to sink into and just close your eyes and breath
I don't know what to do
And selfishly I have to say it's killing me... Because it's killing you
Here's my hand, take it. It'll be a start
I'm in it all the way
I just want to help you
Let me help you
I don't know what to do
Just tell me what to do
Mom... What can I do?

Sunken in this bed I barely have the engery to consider getting up
This days been so long
Just like the days before it
I'm so weighed down with sadness, loneliness, guilt and self hate
I spend all day fighting with the demons in my had
While trying to escape the ones surrounded me
Suffocating me
My doubts take over any faith I may of head
I cry so hard I become silent
I feel my skin cracking while I slowly fall into pieces
Empty words filled with hate attack my mind relentlessly
The shadows that creep along my wall tuant me
Hoover above me
Surround the walls that are closing in on me
I struggle and cry out
This prison of heartache, broken promises and endless reminders of what could've been
They just gut me
Reach right in my chest and pull out my heart
Laugh as I fight to breath
To get out
To roam the street until I stumble across some peace
Broken, battered, lost and at a loss
I start to stare at the sky
Hoping the darkness will fade and shed some fresh light in these lifeless eyes
Warm the ice of hopelessness outta my veins
And that I just get a chance to sit down
And let the little bit of beauty I still see give me some hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day
And that maybe I'll find my smile again
The walls began to slowly cease from shutting me in between the madness inside of me
The demons are set free, hopefully to get lost from me
I just need time to just breath
To not think
To close my eyes and just let the wind circle all around me
Give my bleeding heart a chance to nestle back in my chest
To beat a different beat this time
A beat I've never heard before but am compelled to follow
Walk and walk until the darkness starts to lighten
All I need is one speck of light
A sliver of hope
A reason to keep walking
A reason to let this heart continue to beat
Leave the prison behind
And never look back

We met.Fate
I smiled you smiled back.Luck
We talked made plans.Anxious
We were always together.Glued
We laughed endlessly.Clicked
Then we kissed.Swepted
You were mine I was yours.A pair
Everything we did felt new.Fresh
My eyes locked yours.Trance
You held me tight always.Safe
We got so close so fast.Rushed
It was too easy too good.Change
I laid next to you but alone.Sad
I smiled you'd frown.Confused.
The laughter quieted.Speechless
I kissed you you felt cold.Statue
My eyes stared at you.Stranger.
We went in circles argued.Games
You picked hideNseek.Liar
So you ran off and hid.Gone
I searched and searched.Empty
Seasons changed tears fell.Ice
I caught a glimpse of you. hope
It's been months now.Denial
I still see your smile.Longing
But you're hidden away.Far
I was the seeker,I sought.loss
We met I smiled you smiled.Over
You vanished I ache.Lost
I stopped seeking.Broken
Wishful we meet again.diluted.
I'll smile and you'll smile.Dreams
We met.Fate

I no longer see you as an option in my life
Even as a friend
To be a friend, one most know how to appreciate a friend
You appreciate nothing
You expect, demand I wait for you to change your course like you always do
I wonder if you'll ever come to terms with how incredibly selfish you truly are
I used to think we were connected by our souls
Now I see that would be impossible
If you have a soul, I haven't seen it
And I'm banking it's been awhile since you have too
As angry as I am for your once again, knife to my back
I'm more hurt that when you were at your knees and I ran to your side and helped you up
You got stable just enough to put me back in my place
And simply walk away as I bleed
A line was crossed that day, trickled with sorrow filled blood
I don't know who you are
And I know you'll be back eventually as someone else
But after limping, heartbroken and betrayed over this line
I turned and throw a lit match and cried as it went up in flames
But not tears of sadness this time
Tears of relief
For I am never stepping foot by the line again
So you no longer have a path to me
All you'll find is a ****** knife surrounded by ash
With no where left to go
No more options
No one waiting
Maybe then you'll appreciate what you once felt connected to
It'll be too late
Much too late