Is this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******* and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you...

I love you

If you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and ****, so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to ******* off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you???


I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. ****, you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that ******* blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago...

There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some *******, I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less

Oh **** I forgot one of the biggest things ken told me, That YOU WERE WITH SOME CHICK! And that's one of the things you swore you'd always be honest about, that you prided yourself on not be a cheater or scumbag like that of any kind.. And I believed you.. Even of my moments of severe paranoia jealous and worry, I believed deep down that's not the kinda guy you were and you'd never want to hurt someone the way you were hurt like that.. And when he told me that, that's what convinced me to go down there and waste money and have to deal with him even though I can't ****** stand him. He said you'd just been there with her talking **** about me and I thought, maybe they're still there and I can see with my own eyes, or maybe when I see ken in person I'll know he's lying.. But I didn't get a chance because he stole my money and ran.. Then said you told him to do it with the one response I managed to get. All that was like being punched in the gut repeatedly and I got to walk through kp crying while drug dealers asked if I ****** ****.. How true it is when you say I'm so gullible and naive. I feel so stupid like such a huge horrible joke.

Sometimes the heart breaks in funny ways
It doesn't shatter completely but a piece breaks off that you needed
That you counted on to feel happy or content or full
And once it breaks off, and you see it slowly fall, all you can do is shake your head in disbelief and wipe away those silent steady tears
Whatever happened
Whatever made it split and fall to pieces at your feet is something you didn't expect
Something you refused to believe could happen
Trust starts to crumble
Doubts flood your mind
And it's so confusing because your hearts not totally broken
But you're not sure if you can keep living the same way without that piece
Thoughts you've never had enter your mind
Obvious answers plague you
Would it just be better if it broke into so many pieces I couldn't even remember the one that's hurting so badly right now?
Or is there a chance it can be mended back, and even if just put back together with a band aid the wound will start to heal?
Is it worth the risk? To step over it and try to find a way to put it back together?
Or should I stare at the broken piece until I let the rest of my heart understand exactly just what that means...
The heart breaks in funny ways
But I don't hear any laughter
I don't hear anything at all...

If I were to lay down here
So quietly that the silence became deafening
That the cold became freezing
The hunger became starving
The air became thin...

Would you just let me lay here until the end?

I don't understand my life
According to the quote "rock bottom"
I've hit it
But I don't feel the bottom under my feet
I'm still falling
And I grasp for any ledge I can as I fall
But they crumble as soon as my feet touch
Or I kick my feet from underneath me because I'm only comfortable during chaos
As if the excitement of falling is what I seek
It doesn't make any sense to me
And no matter how hard I try to stand, my legs wobble and I slip
I'm not satisfied with my life
But, I don't know how to change
So I guess I'll just keep falling
And falling
Wondering what lies beneath

It's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta

The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away.
I don't even want to walk away
I get choked up just at the thought of you finally believing me when I tell you "I'm done."
We play tug of war with each other
Constantly pushing the other well past their limits knowingly and neither one of us knows what we're gonna do when one of us finally gives.
This conversation we've had a 1000 times but we never come to a solution
Do you obsess over this like I do?
Am I just going crazy with all this? Tell me if I'm reading into things that aren't there? Am I hearing words that you aren't saying? Or twisting the ones that you are saying?
****** why do you just shrug with a blank stare?
Are you just tolerating all this?? Am I falling and falling into purgatory?
Oh my god, here I go again! 3:11am and I am wondering and hoping if that blocked missed call was you.. Chewing on my finger nails hoping you'll or whoever will call back.. Curiosity is a *****.. Constant questions make me feel insane. Do you think I'm insane? Are you just as crazy? Or are you just as attached as I am but can hide it like a champ??

I'm not even tired but I'm talking to myself.. Having a conversation alone trying to answer for you. No answer ever really satisfies me because good or bad I argue it and try to disprove it..
Oh, do I ever need to back off and fall back.. Fall quietly back so you won't notice enough to a argue with me to stop. You always say stop. Just stop. Stop what?

Stop what???

There's a unique struggle when you're breaking down inside but, you force yourself to look at your face in the mirror

Tear rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks and trembling lips
The hatred you have inside makes you feel as if you're on fire and you turn the cold water on, but just let it run

You're screaming in your mind
"Don't you cry!"
"Don't you dare fall apart like you always do!"
"I can't pick up the pieces anymore... I don't believe in you anymore..."

Your lips stop trembling for a moment
You're not burning anymore, you've gone ice cold as those last words echo in your head.. You continue to stare at yourself and slowly start to lose your breath

It's not the hardest thing in the world to face yourself as you say "I don't believe in you anymore."
That heartbroken look on your face is something you've grown accustom to

What's hard.. Where the unique struggle comes in, is when you turn away from the mirror and head to the other room
Voices of words you can't make out fill the halls as you get closer

You reach the end of the hall and you try not to blankly stare
Not to flinch, tremble or even breath above a whisper
Eyes lingering at you from every direction, no escaping

You know what it's like to stare into your own lifeless eyes, and feel nothing as everything inside of you rots
But the really hard part..
The part that'll never get easier...

Is meeting the gazes of people who no longer believe in you
That's where the struggle begins
Because you know you've given up.. But they won't come out and tell you they no longer have hope for you either.And behind their comforting words, you know they're hollow
They look through you, not at you
Because you're just a shadow of who you used to be

That's when you have to find whatever strength you have left
Even so microscopic and cling onto it for dear life and hold on...

Until the rooms are silent and empty
The mirrors are shattered on the floor
And there's no one left to see..
Nothing left for you to be able to see..

The unique struggle is over
You can let go and crumple lifelessly on the floor and just fall apart
Alone, with no eyes anywhere to watch...


Someone... Please... I'm falling apart....

Midnight again
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
I'm alone
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And another
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....

Most of the time I fear I'm just a fool for you
And that you are my favorite
And maybe I'm just your favorite doll
You can play with me whenever you want, then put me on the shelf to collect dust because you know I'll be right here when you want me again
Sometimes it's hours
Sometimes it's weeks
But on the shelf I sit, eagerly waiting for you return
Nothing brightens me up more then when you come back
Even when you make me angry I want you around
I want you around even when you make me sad
And the only sense of that I can make is that I am more miserable without you
And there are times that you never put me back on the shelf
You make me feel so needed
You play with my hair and ask me about my day
You let me be myself
Even when I'm not so pretty
And it's all so overwhelming, how could I ever walk away?
How could the restless moments waiting for you overrule all those moments of happiness?
All your words can't be lies
All your feelings can't be fake
So why do you always leave?
Why do you always have to find another doll?
And why does she seem to get the better parts of you, when I accept all the worst parts of you?
Even on the days I sit lifeless, tears silently falling down my cheeks
Why am I not enough?
What more could I give to be enough?
The only doll you want around?
I know when you go, you're always going to come back
But, it's getting harder to always bare a smile when there's so much hurt inside
I can't walk away
I've tried
I don't want to be the one who always sits on this shelf
I want to mean more
I want you to feel a pang from my absence
I want what I want to matter
I want this shelf to burn down into the ground
So when the smoke clears you realize you don't have anywhere to just leave me
That maybe I never belonged on the shelf in the first place
I want you to see, I'm the doll worth keeping
I want to see I'm not just your fool
Playing a part that'll never just be mine
Or I need you to just say what I dread
That I am just your favorite fool
And a place on your shelf is all I'm ever going to have

Thoughts of you plunge through my veins
Before I know it, I'm on my knees in crippling pain
Like always, I'm alone but surrounded by thoughts of you
My mind races and there's nothing I can do
Why am I a slave for you?
You crack the whip and there's nothing I won't do
I just want your attention
Your affection
It comes so rarely
I'm like a drug addict craving my next fix
And there's no drug as sweet as a taste if you
You have this power over me that I can't explain
Even when I say no, I won't keep my word for long
You never keep your word for long either
The difference is when I breakdown you get what you want
You always win
And I lay here trapped
What more could I do?
Rip my heart out of my chest and hand it to you?
So you could physically feel it beating rapidly and frantically for you?
Would it matter?
Would it change a thing?
Then if you could feel what these games do to me, would you change?
Could you change?
I just want a chance to come first
I want you to live up to the pretty words you tell me to convince me not to leave
That being crippled by you is worth it because I have a hold on your heart too
That all this pain and confusion is worth something
Or would you just stand there, my heart rapidly beating in your hands and completely exposed
Would you just smile as you toss it back and forth with your greedy hands?
Laughing it off as I start to wilt each time you carelessly throw it in the air
I crumble with regret because there was nothing I could do to make my heart matter to you
I press my head on the cold floor and let my eyes shut
If you're gonna have my heart one way or the other, I might as well let my feelings bleed out
And lay here until there's nothing left
My veins run cold
I go numb
The high you gave me does nothing now
I still see you dangling my aching heart in my face
Clueless to what you've done
But for the first time, I feel nothing
Just nothing
My heart may be in your hands
But it's empty
You might start to feel your loss of power as it starts to shrivel in your hands
And I'll lay very still, but peacefully on that cold floor
You may have my heart in your hands
But it died
And I finally feel nothing

You're an addiction I need to quit
A dangerous habit I need to force myself to kick
The good feelings I get that run deep in my veins never last long
Before I know it, I'm used up and you're gone
The explosion of emotions I go through are too intense to take
I go crazy trying to think of excuses to see you, no matter how fake
When you come back around it's never as good as the last
And I'm starting to wish id never met you and that these cravings would pass
But when I pull away, you cling on to me
You know what to say, what to do to make me weak and you ignore my muttered pleas
You know you're bad for me, you're aware that you have me hooked
I try to scream no, but all it takes from you is just one look
I'm losing myself to you
Trying to claw my way out, clutchin at anything or anyone to run back to
You are the drug and I'm your best buyer
I confuse all these feelings with love like emotions, even though I know you're nothing but a liar
I'm numbing my feelings of emptiness with you
And I know you're lonely too
But what you won't allow yourself to see is, I'm not using you the same way you're using me

Sunken in this bed I barely have the engery to consider getting up
This days been so long
Just like the days before it
I'm so weighed down with sadness, loneliness, guilt and self hate
I spend all day fighting with the demons in my had
While trying to escape the ones surrounded me
Suffocating me
My doubts take over any faith I may of head
I cry so hard I become silent
I feel my skin cracking while I slowly fall into pieces
Empty words filled with hate attack my mind relentlessly
The shadows that creep along my wall tuant me
Hoover above me
Surround the walls that are closing in on me
I struggle and cry out
This prison of heartache, broken promises and endless reminders of what could've been
They just gut me
Reach right in my chest and pull out my heart
Laugh as I fight to breath
To get out
To roam the street until I stumble across some peace
Broken, battered, lost and at a loss
I start to stare at the sky
Hoping the darkness will fade and shed some fresh light in these lifeless eyes
Warm the ice of hopelessness outta my veins
And that I just get a chance to sit down
And let the little bit of beauty I still see give me some hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day
And that maybe I'll find my smile again
The walls began to slowly cease from shutting me in between the madness inside of me
The demons are set free, hopefully to get lost from me
I just need time to just breath
To not think
To close my eyes and just let the wind circle all around me
Give my bleeding heart a chance to nestle back in my chest
To beat a different beat this time
A beat I've never heard before but am compelled to follow
Walk and walk until the darkness starts to lighten
All I need is one speck of light
A sliver of hope
A reason to keep walking
A reason to let this heart continue to beat
Leave the prison behind
And never look back

I no longer see you as an option in my life
Even as a friend
To be a friend, one most know how to appreciate a friend
You appreciate nothing
You expect, demand I wait for you to change your course like you always do
I wonder if you'll ever come to terms with how incredibly selfish you truly are
I used to think we were connected by our souls
Now I see that would be impossible
If you have a soul, I haven't seen it
And I'm banking it's been awhile since you have too
As angry as I am for your once again, knife to my back
I'm more hurt that when you were at your knees and I ran to your side and helped you up
You got stable just enough to put me back in my place
And simply walk away as I bleed
A line was crossed that day, trickled with sorrow filled blood
I don't know who you are
And I know you'll be back eventually as someone else
But after limping, heartbroken and betrayed over this line
I turned and throw a lit match and cried as it went up in flames
But not tears of sadness this time
Tears of relief
For I am never stepping foot by the line again
So you no longer have a path to me
All you'll find is a ****** knife surrounded by ash
With no where left to go
No more options
No one waiting
Maybe then you'll appreciate what you once felt connected to
It'll be too late
Much too late

When I met you it was spring in full bloom
Our summer was star filled endless heated nights
But by fall, we were falling apart just like the leaves slowly drifting to the ground
My winter was dark with cold endless nights and my heart shattered from becoming so frozen
The spring had no sun, just down pours of sharp rain drops
The summer heat suffocated me with memories of us
The leaves didn't change colors in the fall, they just slowly began to die
The winter was bitter cold. But, I could no longer feel anything but the frozen tear drops on my face

The sister side

A million miles above the ground
Sifting through blue sky's and puffy white clouds
I stare out of my window to the tiny tiny city below
Foolishly search for a chance to see you and your microscopic car
We were just laughing and being silly in it just 5 mins ago
Now I soar through the sky
Poorly fighting tears
Our goodbye was cut so short
Stupid man demanding you get "behind the line"
And you were only trying to help me
I don't think I give you enough credit for all the ways you try and help me
Sometimes I take your advice defensively...
When really you're just trying to teach me ways to protect my sensitive heart
A million miles above you, I promise I'm going to work on not being so sensitive and being more tough like you
I look up to you as if you're the older sister
Funny how that works... Sometimes it drives me crazy, other days I couldn't be more proud
Life has changed for us so many times
But, we were usually there to get through it together
It's not that easy anymore
I'm here
You're there
And were about to experience one of  our most dramatic changes yet
I'm about to be a mommy
You're about to become an aunt
As time has passed, you've gotten so much more excited with the idea of being an aunt
And you'll never know how much that warms my heart, and how much I needed your support
It wasn't planned this way
We were supposed to be neighbors
Raise our kids as instant best friends
We've become wedged between a rock and a hard place
My life like a roller coaster  had 1000 ups and downs
And when I finally got off the ride
I landed 633 miles away from you
At one point I thought it wouldn't matter
We weren't as close as wed been years before
How much would our separation matter to you? To me? At all?
Well it turns out an older sister never wants to be so far she can't be there to protect her little sister
To go hangout with her little sister
Have girl talks and laugh until we snort
And despite our arguments at times
To be around one of those people who just get you
Who know you better than you know yourself at times...
You'd think staring down into the ocean would calm my nerves
But, I'm so angry our goodbye was cut so short
I barely got to hug you as I started choking out my "I love you's and I miss yous" before having to run off and barely make it to this tiny plane
Just to sit here and cry large tears in silence, envisioning myself being torn away from you
It's so hard to get used to being so far away from the little girl who was my shadow for so long
And the little girl I took anybody on for
I know our bond was strained and put to the ultimate test or tests I should say...
And we both felt like giving up at times
But we didn't
Because despite the hurt, anger, lies and struggles, we knew what we used to be was in arms length
Even if we're not currently
Things change in a blink of an eye as we are so familiar with
And there's no doubt in my mind that no amount of miles will stop you from being that awesome aunt you're destined to be
And the great sister you already are
So even though I'm above the clouds and quickly distancing our gap
I'm with you
I'm sitting next to you right now trying to get the baby to kick for you
To laugh when we get lost in the airport parking lot
Enter of restricted area possible
And eventually go backwards to get to our destination
I close my eyes and I'm laughing all over again with you in the passenger seat
To admiring your braveness and blatant disregard for the guard trying to get you to leave my side
That's just it
That's just what sisters do
If we can't be at each other's side
We always have each other's backs
We always have each other
I'm waving to you through the clouds
Knowing soon I'll see you waiting with a pouty smile again on the other side of the clouds
It gives me something wonderful to look forward to
The baby just kicked 4 times in a row
She's looking forward to it too
To meeting the wonderful you
On the other side of the clouds, the sunny side

The sister side

I called you today
Itd been months since we last spoke
And it was brief and awkward
I thought I was doing the right thing by reaching out to you
But I felt worse selfishly...
My phone call meant nothing to you
You couldn't even muster the strength to pretend to care
It was like you answered the phone to be cold, disinterested and just down right cruel
I know you heard my voice shaking
I know you know that it took all the courage I had inside me to dail that number
Our relationship is no relationship at all
You won't open the door
Even though I keep knocking
Why do I stand in the doorway, shut out, locked out?
Why do I think a relationship with you with fulfill my life?
Why did I think a "granddaughter" would light a fire under you?
Make you want to really hear mom's words from all those years ago, and reach back
Grab my hand and just say "I'm sorry"
But after all the venom spewed by me in furious moments... You felt you'd earned the right of the victim role
It makes cry and gag at the same time
I've been the victim of your bad parenting my whole life
The victim of your vicious words
Lack of respect and sensitivity
Helpless to your violent ways
But yet, I kept pleading with you to help me fix us
But in your eyes only I need fixing
And even if you don't feel that way, you refuse to admit it
My hearts been broken too many times to go on this
Nothing about you is home to me
I called you today
You took 2 mins to make me feel small and unlovable
It took me 24hrs to get your voice and your lack of concern outta my head
I may always want you to be part of my life
Even though, you've done nothing to earn me continuously being the bigger person
The sad goodbye
The phone call I instantly regretted
Made me wonder if you'd regret it one day too
But I hung up the phone while in the midst of a teary goodbye
I won't call again
I won't
I can't
The line is dead

I feel so silly
Almost stupid
It's coming on 2 years since we first locked eyes
And we're not about to celebrate
I'm actually in morning over this great love I thought I had
I thought we had

Despite your games
And all the words to calm my nerves when things were going astray, I should've paid more attention to your actions
I should've forced myself to read in between the lines
I should've forced myself to walk away from you
Even if my beating heart laid in your hands as my feet made quiet steps on the pavement

I've been stuck
Over thinking, over questioning, over wishing and being overly pathetic over you
I've spent so much time pondering where it all went wrong
But, I'm starting to think it was never right
The path that lead me to yours was much more worn and you weren't ready for a rescue
Though I didn't want you to rescue me
Life's not a fairy tale
All I wanted was you and you alone
I thought you were the best thing to walk into my life
And to walk out

I'm still puzzled
Is it normal to stare at a door that's been closed for so long?
To still dream you're laying besides me
Only to wake up with the overwhelming awareness of your absence..
Do you even ever look back, or just glance at that door?
Or were you always halfway out if it with her
And it was never alright of me to ask you to stay

You were my gun
I was the trigger
And when the bullets ran out, so did you
Aimed right at my heart until there was nothing left
I can't even cry anymore
But, I feel so empty inside
And I don't understand how that can be
Because you never took your hand off the trigger until the fire ceased
And it didn't take long for them to run out and as shot apart as I was I chased you until it seemed you fell off the earth

And you probably never realized when you disappeared into the horizon you still had my heart in your hands
It's all been so wrong
There's no excuse for me to still be on my knees
Your life continues with her
I just wonder what you'll do when you discover my heart hidden in your drawer
Will any guilt eat at you, will you remember the trigger that lead you to be my gun?

This isn't silly
It's so so sad
And if it's alright with you
I'll take my heart back now
The timing isn't ever gonna be right
Neither are we
Even if I never let go
I'm empting these chambers
Crying as the bullets hit the floor
You might be the gun still
But there's nothing left, it's empty
Just a hollow clicking sound remains
We're out of rounds... Been out of rounds

I can't be stupid anymore
If you give me my heart back
I'll put my gun away

I'll put my gun away

What can I do?
Tell me how to help
To ease the ache in your heart
And stop that tear from falling from the corner of your eye
I know you're hurting
I can feel your soul crying
It makes me crazy because I just want to stop your heart from bleeding
I want to save you
Like you've saved me all these years
I want to stop the pain just like you've done for me so many times
I want to chase all the agony away because I see it stripping the life out of you
And you're the last person on this earth that should look as sad as you do
You put up a strong front
But, I think the dam is about to burst and I'm scared to death you'll drown in it
And I won't be able to get to you in time
And my heart will drown and wash away with you
Because you are my heart
You're who kept me strong when I was barely holding on
I want, I need to be that same lifeline to you now
Pull you out of the rain
And let the sun dry all your tears and chase off all your fears
You've always been the strong one, the one who just pushed through the bad times and bulldozed anyone who go in your way or our way
Me and Sam... We think the world of you
You're the glue that holds us together when all we want to do is fall apart
We've spent so much time leaning on you, the foundation of our lives
Maybe we over looked you cracking
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for being selfish and forgetting that mom's need help sometimes too
I'm always gonna need you
Sam's always gonna need you
But, we know the other side has another side
And all I want to do is lend you my heart and my hand
Let me be a foundation you can lean on
I won't act as if I understand everything you're going through
I just promise you that you don't have to go through it alone
I'm behind you 100%
Just like you always have been for us
If there's one thing I've learned in my life time, it's that I can count on you
And I know it's not much but, you can count on me too
I'd give you my last breath if that was the cost to make you whole again
Because you're broken
And it burns me up inside
I walk into this tense, cold house and I want to burn it to ground
With all the things that ale you inside of it
I'd swim a million miles if I had to to bring you back to shore
If you jump, I jump
And like a hero, I'd catch you falling from the sky
Cause I learned that from you, my hero
You're not alone
I know I can't fix all the lonely
But you deserve to be forever smiling
You deserve a plush seat to sink into and just close your eyes and breath
I don't know what to do
And selfishly I have to say it's killing me... Because it's killing you
Here's my hand, take it. It'll be a start
I'm in it all the way
I just want to help you
Let me help you
I don't know what to do
Just tell me what to do
Mom... What can I do?

I just want to go home
But, I don't know where that is

I grab my hair, wanting to yank it out in frustration
Close to screaming til my lungs collasp

But, if someone were to come to my aid
I wouldn't know what to tell them, or where to take me

I'm missing a place... Can't take my eyes off what I think it is
My hearts so torn, it floats above me in microscopic pieces

I don't bother trying to put in back together
I truthfully don't know how

I always gripe how my sister is never satisfied with anything or anyone in life
But maybe, that person is me

And I'll forever be tangled in past hopes, loves and what ifs
Chasing something I can never catch

Last night was New Year's Eve
I waited and watched the ball drop at midnight

Everyone cheers with excitement for all they promised themselves this new year will bring
A new date doesn't mean **** to me

I've been saying the same promises, with the same stupid smile on my face since 2007
Look at me in this abandoned street with a tear stained face... What's changed?

My heart didn't shatter this year
It broke into a million pieces so many years ago and I've just been staring at its destructive paths

So maybe I'm the one whose never satisfied
Or maybe I crave change but, am too **** lazy to just do it

How the **** am I living this way?
The air I breathe is toxic, the roads i follow are nothing more than tragic circles

This is all too dramatic
But, I don't force these tears to fall and I don't lie about the demons I fight inside

All my life, I've just wanted a home
Somewhere that I just belong to

But this circle keeps me lost and dizzy
Making it almost impossible to get a grip on my jumbled thoughts

I'm begging for you, for anyone, just say it's going to be ok
Lie to me if you must, but be convincing, and don't walk away until I muster the strength to start putting my heart back together

Because all I want is to go home
Would you be kind enough to point me in the right direction?

Wipe away all of these worthless self doubts
And melt my frozen feet from this empty space

A-ngry
B-roken
C-lumsy
D-enial
E-nvious
F-ear
G-reedy
H-umilated
­I-gnored
J-ealous
K-akorrhapiophobia
L-onely
M-anic
N-ervous
O-bs­essed
P-estimistic
Q-uitter
R-egret
S-orry
T-ormented
U-gly
V-ain­
W-orried
X-treme
Y-earning
Z-apped

You were my rock
I was just your stepping stone
So when you said goodbye,
Naturally my heart sank
And yours didn't skip a beat

How come you were the one who made me believe that you believed in me?
So I finally believed in you too
I believed in you more than anyone I'd ever been with before
So how come you were the one to make me the worlds biggest joke?

You took me higher than I'd ever been
Only to drop me so deep, the water barely rippled
You knew you had me in the palm of your hand
I thought you knew you were holding my heart, not just my hand

I could've waited for forever to end for you
But you turned the tide on me
And I was washed away by all your lies
I kept thrashing through them, trying to get back to the you I knew
I didn't realize that in that icy water my heart froze over, and hope died

I didn't want to go
I kept looking for your hand to pull me out, to stop me from drowning in the loss of a love I thought was true
But, you weren't there for me
And you never really had been
It took a lot of being stepped on and looked over for me to see...

So I wrote you this note
I folded it up nice and neat, and tied it to a rock with a red bow
I thought about throwing it in your face, like how your lack of concern for me was a slap in my face
But.. I can't wound you when none of my heartache is a weapon

The wind is brisk and harsh coming off the black, icy water below
The same water my heart sank to the bottom of when you just..let me go
So naturally I let you go there too
The water stung when it splashed on my face as I dropped my rock

It quickly vanished out of sight
Just as you had
Like my heart did that unforgettable day
You might have walked away as I sunk to the bottom but...
I stood there staring at the waters surface ,even though it had been still much longer than it had rippled as my rock sank

You were my rock

There's so much I need to say
They didn't warn me today was my last day
My thoughts are so jumbled in my head
My hand trembles trying to write down all the things I should've said
Where did all the time in the world go?
We don't really have all the time in the world and we all know
But, stubbornness and pride gets in the way
Prevents us from for being able to start out by simply saying "hey"
I only have time to tell one person how I truly feel
Why'd I wait so long to show you, so you'd believe it's real?
I can't waste a second on what I can't change
All I know is I never ever dreamed wed be so estranged
Sorry doesn't come close to bridging this gap
And I know you hate it when I'm a sap
But, I am so sorry little sister
I never met to let my life swallow us in my twister
From bunk beds to our own homes
I never stopped worrying about you but knew you'd be fine on your own
But, sometimes I look at you and I see the little girl who got off the school bus crying
And I had to do something to defend the little girl hiding
I never hesitated to do what I had to do to protect you
It wasn't a chore, it was a must, something I'd always do
But, then I changed and the storm above our house was me
For so many years I was just to **** blind to see
Until one day I realized you stopped picking up the phone
And even when we were both there, you'd rarely make your presence known
I couldn't make sense of it at first
I couldn't have been the one to cause so much pain and hurt
But, your eyes told it all
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to stop denying what I saw
My reflection in your eyes was ugly and sad
And you were more than just mad
What I couldn't deal with I put on you
I suddenly switched from protecting the little girl from the school bus
I became worse than any bully you ever knew
Tears flood my eyes, drown my face
And it's no wonder we're trapped in this place
Somewhere along the line we switched roles
Dying inside, everything was growing cold
No more cookie dough and flour fights
Just angry words and silent tears at night
Those two girls hugging in the pictures on the wall
Were fading to nothing at all
You didn't know it but...
Everyday we spent in silence felt like a 1000 paper cuts
The roller coaster ride has been something most won't understand
Without you I'm not whole, my arms aren't waving in the air.. Everything's so bland
We've been trying to cross the same bridge for awhile now
We get so close and I ***** it up somehow
Bitterness and shame consumes me
And I just become different and forget the "we"
This letter is unbearable to write
My words are blurry and you're no where in sight
I'm standing at the bus stop
But the bus has come and gone, and the second hand moves faster on the clock
You're one I admire most
Even when jealous, I can't help but talk about you and boost
I would never want you any other way than you are
Your strength has taken you far
And my anger at life has caused our bridge to crack
And I just wanna turn the clock back
I wanna hear you beg me to play the bubble game
And then spend hours laughing so hard, the memory in my mind in a frame
That little girl from the school bus has always had my heart
Even if at times we had to part
I gotta wrap this up
I tap the pen nervously but..
Seal the envelop and put it in the mail box with hope
Hope that the little girl from the school bus
Well, that she still remembers us
That she remembers the sister that jumped on anyone that ever tried to hurt her
Not that just the one who messed up who we once were
I'm back at the bus stop again
I know it's a long wait and tough battle to win
Ill never stop trying to be better
That's why I had to write you this letter
I know it's not much, it's not an eraser
I'm not gonna push but, I will be the chaser
Because the little girl from the school bus deserved so much more from me than she got
And all that she's done, will never be forgot
Ill just stand here and wait
And never again will I hesitate
Hesitate to say what's right
And let my hatred of others drag us into a fight
I know there's so much I can't undo..
I guess I just had to write this so you'd truly know..

I love you

Your Meme always

So much for so called family
So much for so called friends
I'm sick of driving on this road that won't ever end
At the next exit, I'm gonna close my eyes and let my hair fly around the bend
This place is so gray, so old
With not one story that hasn't been told
Hushed whispers
But clear enough to hear snickers
Idk who made any of you, judge and jury
But, you don't know me, you don't know **** so I'm out in a hurry
I can't take anymore fingers pointed at me
With words filled with hate at a person I used to be
Hypocrites, everyone of you
And I'd like to remind you, that glass house is pretty see through
I wear my heart on my sleeve full of good intentions
Your heart is filthy, not even worth a mention
If your hearts and minds were ever clear
It would've been easy to see the face with fallen tear after fallen tear
Why would I ever want this life?
Tell me? Am I so bored that I just do things outta bitterness and strife?
In your soul you truly believe HE did all he could to fix our relationship?
And I just refused it?
Cause you all know that's why I distanced myself from the "family" right?
Please don't act idiotic and shake your head, point fingers and start a fight
I've had enough!
Heavy breathing, beat read face, and silent tears show I'm not that tough
But, I can no longer allow these strangers in my life to bring me down
I'm done forcing myself to come around
I leave broken every single time
If I keep letting you break me
Ill lose the ability to spit a rhyme
There will be nothing left of me
And there's just to much that I am to let waste on people who will never see
I opened my eyes, this exit has taken far from the old, dirt road I was stuck on
I look up, the stars fill the sky, the clouds are gone
The heaviness in my heart has been lifted
The powers finally shifted
I no longer feel banished and alone
I'm finally on my way home
My taillights fade into the night
And that'll be the last you ever see of me as I speed up and drive outta sight

It's been a long time
A very long, drawn out time since I've seen your face
Please forgive my beat red face
And my stumbling words, cause I know I'm gonna get tongue tied
No, please don't.. Don't say a word
I don't want to remember the sound of your voice
I just want to get this.. How do I say it??
Ah! Burden off my chest
Again I apologize if some of my words don't come out right
You must know how many times I've played this conversation out in my head
The endings always different.. You look confused, see the ending changes when my mood changes
I've spent so many hours bouncing back and forth from longing for you to hating you.. Well you see where I'm going with this?
Ok it's now or never
So I just came to say IM SORRY
Shocked to hear that aren't ya?
Let me get through it, this won't be confusing for long
I'm sorry that I clung to you so tight
I'm really sorry that I thought you were holding me back just as tight
You were so different at first
I was literally in awe of you
In awe! As if you were a super star or something
And you seemed intrigued by me
I recall you telling me how I said things that no one else did
Quirky but cute I think is how you put it
Well quirks have a time limit I guess, because they just couldn't hold your attention
Don't get me wrong, everything was great at first
So fresh, so new... I truly couldn't get enough
And the way you were in the beginning blew me away
Always texting or calling me
Always wanting to see me
And then the real kick was, when we were together.. It was enjoyable! Relaxing, cuddly yeah that's how I describe it
But within about a month or so's time.. You don't get it but, huge fears set in for me
Ones I couldn't shake... And honestly maybe I just smelled your ******* long before you showed it
I'm not sure
But, my intense fear of losing you brought out jealousy and insecurities in me
I didn't think I was good enough for you
And lol, turns out I wasn't! Ok ok, I digress,
So I doubted things you said, asked too many questions
I "got complicated" as you guys say we do
But ya ever thought, if you made just a tiny bit of a bigger effort to let me know I meant something to you
That I was the only one you wanted, like you texted her the day after my ****** birthday
Don't look at me like I can't be mad
You cheated on me while living with me and on my birthday and when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life
Yeah, I guess I'm still ****** at your selfishness cause then you dumped me, ran to her, than thought "hey! Jaimee and I def need to stay friends"
No we didn't
You don't like being alone just like I don't
But you'll never admit it because, that'd be like having a weakness
An emotional problem
And let's not get it twisted, IM THE ONE with all the problems not you
I see you desperately wanna say something to defend yourself well ****** save it
It's way too late for any of that ******* to surface
Can you believe I thought you were too good for me?
That we had this in breakable connection, and it was nothing I'd ever felt before
You threw away the one person who would've never asked you to change
And who would've.. Sorry, WHO DID wait for you and yeah, I would've waited and stayed forever
But she trumpets me
I don't see what the hell you see in her
Except that she's a arrogant snob just like you
Don't shake your ****** head
The last thing you are is humble
Silver spoon
I'm not getting into all that
There's a million more things I could say but, I'm over my limit of wasting time and thoughts on you
So yeah, I'm sorry
Sorry I saw a future that never existed
Sorry I chased a dream that was never dreamt
And I'm mostly sorry I chased a person for so long that I didn't even know
I don't know you
And I don't want to even remember what I thought I knew
That's why I've begged you not to speak
Which honestly, can't be that difficult for ya buddy
You never had **** to say when my heart was dying and your words could've revived it
But, I don't want to get awkward
Who feels a life line with a complete stranger?
It's crazy, I'm crazy like you said
But, I guess you were just really bored that's why I had to be around all the time
You had to call me every week once you went away
Even though you had your boy up there
And eventually you and it reconnected
I mean it is what it is right?
Yeah so I gotta go
I just needed to let you know I was sorry I hallucinated our whole relationship, and wasted so much of your time trying to convince you it was real
That we were a something
My meds work much better now
So does my detection of manipulation and games
Ok we'll, I for one feel better
Closure, it's an awesome thing right?
And hey, you didn't even have to say jack ****!
Just like you like
Haha, roll ya eyes but the truth can be annoying I know
Alright then... It's been real
Or fake
However you wanna look at it
I don't care anymore
No don't say anything, another bold face lie will send me into a blinding rage
No I'm not kidding
Alrighty, so my cars over there, so just don't me a favor..
Just keep quiet so I can savor this one truthful moment we had
And then forget why the **** I was talking you in the first place

My frown couldn't be more prominent as I stare out of my passenger window
Cloudy skies with heavy rainfall, in a cab in traffic just has my mood plummeting
As if I was ever really happy to start
I sigh as I think that..
Have I really been unhappy my whole life, with just good moments in between?
No. I shake my head to myself.. That can't be right
I gasp as the driver suddenly slams on his breaks
"Sorry" he mutters along with a few other choice words
I'm so lost in my tangled thoughts its only a slight distraction
The airport is only 10 miles away but,
It seems its going to take 10 hours to just get there
I slam my head back against the seat
******! Rolling my eyes heavily, I grimace at my own brain
Won't you shut up?!
Yes I know things will never be resolved with my "father"
On his death bed, he'd still only manage to say "I'm still sorry you feel that way."
His family will  look at me as if I haven't done enough to change things...
**** them.. I'm not a magician. And **** if I didn't spend most of my life trying to be one
I swallow that lump in my throat
Just another dad topic to fill the session when I see my therapist
"Can I smoke in here please?" I ask/beg the cab driver
The traffic isn't the only thing congested and I need some relief
Not pleased he agrees... After I slip a $20 in his face
As the wind blows my hair around and the smoke clouds my face
I realize I full of way more doubts than I admitted
Is this where I should be headed?
I mean this isn't a dream
It's gonna be real life with all it's pain and lingering stings just like it is here
My pocket vibrates
Blowing out smoke, I cough as I laugh when I read the text
"I will miss you. Text me when you land."
YOU
You would text me as I'm about to be 1000s and 1000s of miles away from you
I can't help but let a tear slide down my cheek
I remember the endless amount that fell when you were the one leaving
Dangling me on that string... Even 5000 miles away
I don't respond
Just like you didn't respond
Maybe to give you a dose of your own medicine
Or maybe because I simply can not allow you to break me down anymore
I flick my cigaret and wipe my cheek with the back of my hand
The phone vibrates again
It can't be you
It's not your style to appear to care that much
I glance down at the screen and this time can't hold back the sob I choke on
"I love you! Have a safe flight, PLEASE text me when you land!" Love Sam
My baby sister
Sometimes my seemingly older sister
Through it all, the heartbreak of such a distance between us is the same
Through a blur of tears I text back that I will, that I love her too
I see the driver stare at me through the rear view mirror
I'm too sad and stiff to bother to wipe my tears away or even turn my head
So I just drop my eyes so I'm no longer holding his gaze
The history between my sister and I is an eventful one
Very colorful
Lots of laughs...Lots of yelling... Lots of tears...
Getting to the place we are now, the place that was so rock solid for so many years
But then crumbled to the ground caused by an earthquake of addiction..My addiction
I couldn't be more thankful to whomever allowed the chance, the power, the love to remind us who we once were
Maybe we just did that
I don't know
The rain has stopped and traffic is flowing now
I feel I may throw up
I'm getting closer
Closer to my new start
But, with so many unknowns and so many things I don't want waiting for me when I get there...
But, wherever you go, there you are
Ill be there...Waiting for me
I'm just hoping ill give myself a chance before I want to run back the other way
That's what I'm doing.. Everyone says so
"You're running.""Can't run from yourself."
I smirk as I wonder if these ******* with all the advice ever considered if they DROVE me out...
Not that I ran out
Fair weathered friends weigh you down after awhile
The broken promises
The appearing in the light and disappearing when it gets dark
Starts to make my heart ache so bad, it feels hard to breathe
My head pounds as I'm always questioning why they don't want me
What could I do to be better?
I close my eyes
Too tired to think about it further
So tired of having to think so hard
So tired I'm too tired to demand to be treated better
So **** em works
I'm tired of trying, of trying to try
Just done
There's gotta be so much more to life than this..
That I have to try and discover
Startled by the vibrating of my phone again, my eyes pop open as I jump a little bit
"Can't wait to see you! Have a safe flight. Love you! See you at the airport."
I shake my head smiling
My mom always seems to make me smile when I'm drowning in a sea of misery
"I can't wait to see you. You have no idea." I whisper to myself, laughing to myself as I start to cry again
This cab driver must think I'm insane
This time I pull out some tissues and clean myself up
Take a deep breath and force a smile
Everything's going to be ok
This is gonna be the move into the right direction
Where ill find myself again and the path I belong on
Even if it doesn't end there, it'll start me to where my life is meant to go
Everything's gonna be ok.. It's gonna be...
"Miss...Miss...We're here."
I snap back into focus as the drivers voice drills through my brain
I swallow a lump again, nod and mumble an apology for not paying attention
Fumble for my wallet and pay the ridiculous fare, thanks to all the traffic
Luckily I travel light
I grab my suitcase and my dog crate
(She's got the worlds biggest "oh ****"eyes right now)she'll be happy up there
That I'm sure of
I'm standing there, still, ignoring the weight of the crate and my suitcase
The wind sends a shiver down my spine, I shudder
It seems to bring me back into reality
I take another deep breathe and force a smile
I promised myself I wouldn't look back
So I don't
The glass doors slide open.. As if to say "Everything's gonna be ok."
I let the tear slide down my cheek and walk on through

What would you say if you saw me?
Would you just wave awkwardly or just drop your head down as if you couldn't see me?
It's been a year
We're not the same people that said goodbye last September
It almost be like meeting for the first time
There's supposed to be a history between us
But, history is facts that were once proven to be real
Our history is full of lies and fantasies
I told you a year ago, if nothing had changed
We'd just be two strangers who said goodbye with tears in their eyes a year before
Everything's changed
Idk what either one of us would say to even break the ice
Or if I'd even try
Idk what I'd have to say
Angry, confused words
Or would I be so lonesome that all I saw was who I thought used to be my best friend
And just want to put my head on your shoulder..
And just rest?
I can't answer that confidently either way
My hearts taken a beating that started with you
How ironic that a hug from you can potentially take that pain away
Even if only for a few hours
But, your heart didn't continually get stomped into the dirt as mine did
No, you had someone there taking care of you
Telling you what to do
Whether you wanted to or if it was right or wrong
You bowed your head and obeyed
That's not at all who I knew last September
So maybe I'd be the one to bow my head down this time
Whether it's what I truly wanted or not
But, if my eyes didn't meet a strangers
There's no choice of time for reflection, to suddenly stop and stare
Overwhelming feelings of someone I used to know
No accidental tears could have a chance to fall
And my heart wouldn't recognize you as comfort
It wouldn't recognize you at all

Ink
Ink is permanent
You can scratch and cross something out as much as you want
It's just a cover
You still know what's written there is forever
It's like saying something and instantly wanting to shove the words back in your mouth
Rewind the moment, then start over
Can't do that, those words are stuck, forever said
Forever remembered
You'll feel the guilt seep through your veins immediately
A million sorries will come gushing out of your mouth
You'll stumble over your words trying to take back the meaning of your original thought
But, if you said it, and they heard it... Doesn't matter if "it's not how you meant it."
The perception has made it's mark
Sometimes with devastating results
Promises of yesterday...
Can forever haunt your tomorrow
Why do we make promises we're not sure can be kept?
Are we all just full of ****?
Get caught up in the moment?
When someone breaks a promise to you, it breaks your heart
Shatters trust
So why do it back?
Spite?
Afraid to say no?
Are the words of confusion coming from in between your ears, or someone's mouth?
It shouldn't be so easy to doubt yourself if you were ever 100% sure
Now life looks like a huge piece of paper with crossed out pen markings, and ink everywhere  No escaping it, no matter how deeply you've scribbled over it
I put my pen down and sigh
Glance at the endless row of pens next to it
And all the broken pencils on the floor
Broken erasers, broken thoughts....
I just needed a pencil..

How will you feel when that day comes?

"CONGRATS..HOPE THAT THINGS TURN OUT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT THEM TO"-dad➡➡ my response to this, thanks for your typical "I don't really give a **** but I'll say it in a way that it appears I care." You make me so ****** angry!!!! You've crippled me my whole life and I let you! I never wanted or was gonna tell you cause I knew the ******* you'd say. And I'm sure Erin will let emily&Zach; know their going to be "half aunts and uncles" cause she had to make it clear, there was a difference. But, I'm just a ******* lying ****** so what do I know? It's not my fault the evil ***** let her brother **** himself in jail cause you guys are all about "tough love" and now she lives with the guilt and has taken it out on me. I'm sorry he died b/c ppl couldn't understand addiction is a disease, no one wants to live that way! But, I hope she has night terrors til the day she dies. And you, how could you be a grandfather when you weren't even a father?! You're just poison and that's all you'll ever be. My Father's Day card remains true. Cut me outta your will, as if we're or especially me are even in it! Idc! Uncle George wasn't on good terms with his son but he tried to fix it! And the son just couldn't spend more than two hrs with him and now he's gone forever. How will you feel when that day comes?

Not like you

Just thought you should know my moms uncle George, who married you guys, he just died an hour ago.

Idk why I even told you! It's not like you're gonna say anything or even remember that time of your life! You aren't even interested in the fact that me, being your blood daughter having a child, makes you a grandfather nmw I feel. You still say nothing! Show no interest! I am praying for the day that I can forgive all your short comings and hurt you've put me through, so that I stop being angry and hurt and won't have any guilt when your time comes unlike uncle George's son. Cause I tried ******! Since I was 13 I've tried, and me not being around makes no difference, you care about ****** no one but yourself! I hope one day you look in the mirror and see your dads face and not yours. Maybe you'll wake up. And trust me, everything will turn out like I want it to cause I had one parent showing me the right thing to do my whole life! NOT BE YOU!!!!

Just 9 years and some months ago, I thought I made the best choice
And for the best reason
You weren't father material
And I refused to have my child grow up with an ******* father like I did
So that right there, took the choice off me and ultimately you made it for me
Now I've come to terms with the fact that No One but me, made that choice
Back then on some level I knew....
Because I cried, screamed, went through every bottle... And most of all
I hated you

Why I stayed for so long, I'll never know
Beside the loss, you were horrible to me
Always scattered bottles at your feet, and lines across the mirror
And my bruised reflection
Was it being only 20?
Was it you being my first serious boyfriend?
No
I hated being alone
But, I hated being around you almost if not more
Which started a lot of our fights
I'd go down swingin
But, I always went down
Constant questions about my appearance
About my mood
About the broken heart I wore on my sleeve
There is most definitely a fine line between love&hat;;
I'm not sure I actually ever loved you
But I knew for sure I hated you, I couldn't get further away from you in the bed at night
If I came home at all

I got away from you
You finally pushed me too far
And every bottled up emotion and angry word rose to the surface
I snapped us like a twig and I never looked back
No matter how much you begged
I tried being your friend, I tried having patience while you moved out your things and moved away from me
But, it wasn't enough, and that same sad face made an appearance here and there in that mirror
Until I smashed it to pieces and just told you to leave me alone for good
You took every opportunity to throw MY loss in my face
"You took away my choice." This would blind me with rage
On the day I told you, you were so ****** up that you didn't even skip a beat with going on doing your own thing
Leaving me and the question alone
I saw my future that day
I could've and should've tried another route
I didn't need to pay and neither did the loss
Now I worry, my karma will prevent me from feeling that tiny, tight grasp on my finger in the future

I've made peace with what choice I made
What choices I didn't make
They were mine
You played a part, but I coulda fought harder
I don't think I could admit I was scared shitless
Not that I couldn't do it, I would've had help
But, that I couldn't have protected the loss from you for forever
I wished I'd tried
I'll always miss you little lost one
Every February I'll shed tears for what was your arrival
I hope you've forgiven me
I just wanted what was best for you
I probably made a mistake or didn't think it through long enough
Idk where you are, but I hope I somewhat did the right thing
You'll always be my first
You'll always have a tiny, tight grasp on my heart
Always little lost one

Mommy's sorry....

This room wreaks off stale smoke
As I take a drag off the 1000th one I smoked tonight, I can see the smoke lingering in the air
Just sitting all around me
Some manages to creep it's way outta the window
I glance out the window, the harsh cold wind hits my face
I'm looking down at the people  and the cars **** by
I walk away, why did I pick to live on the 14th floor of this apartment building?
Did I forget I was afraid of heights the day I signed the lease?

I sigh, smash the cigarette into the ashtray
Glance around, it doesn't even look like anyone lives here
Or at least that I live here
But, when she comes to visit, there's always a trial of destruction left behind
Empty whiskey bottles piled in the trash, half drank beers throughout the rooms
Pills scattered across the table, with rolled up 20$ bills and dust everywhere
I wipe my nose as it starts to trickle a little bit
Pull my hand away to find blood across the side of my hand
Then a painful sensation on my face
I race to the bathroom, put tissue on my nose and pinch
And then stare at myself wide eyed
She really did a number on me this time

A very black&blu;; eye stares back at me, with smaller bruises on my other cheek
What the hell happened here?
This wasn't my life anymore... How'd I get back here?
Suddenly I felt I could throw up right then and there
I gag a few times, shaking I grab the sink and splash cold water on my face, then cringe as my eye stings from the cold water
He must be here
She must have invited him
Too ****** up to remember the good life she was finally starting to have
I walk slowly down the hall, step and cry out in pain
Now there's blood on the floor, I close my eyes as I pull the glass from my foot
How in the hell did all this glass make it to my bedroom hallway?
I bend down and it's a combination of broken frames that got knocked off the wall and a smashed bottle of Jameson that must've been thrown at him but he'd shut the door too quick
Why did that ***** come back?
My hands shaking more now, I pick up up what's left of a picture of me and the one who truly cares
The one I've always looked for
Not him, who only she would allow to stay
I cover my mouth to hold back a scream
If I wake him up, I'll be in for a world of hurt
But, when I have to explain to the one in the picture what's happened here....
Well, I'll still be In a world of pain just a different kind
A worse kind, and the kind that's all my fault

I finally peek in my bedroom door and then shut it quickly, and slide to the floor crying
No longer able to hold it in
He lays sprawled across my bed, straws, pills, half a glass of whiskey on the night stand
I grab my hair and finally let out a gut wrenching scream
"Why do you come back here??" I scream violently at her
"My life was finally getting better, but that's always when you come around isn't it? Can't let me be happy! Oh no, that'd be a crime. ****** wouldn't it?!" I'm screaming so loud, my neighbors have probably called the cops
Doesn't matter, I'll be long gone by the time they get up here
And she'll just be laughing
Laughing, laughing because she got me again
And continues to prove I can't escape her
I take a breath and look in the mirror and her face smirks at me, then I see my banged up face again
And I realize... She is me
A dark, cold, destructive, broken hearted girl who lights fire and laughs as she burns
I yank the mirror and throw it clear across the living room
It hits the wall and SMASH!!! Shards of glass fly all around me
"Get out!" I shout "and take your ***** and your drugs with you, this is not my life anymore, I told you I was done!"
The wind blows in from the window and I swear it whispered "You're the one who called me."
"No, no it isn't true!" I'm coming undone at the seams now
I pick up the pills and throw them out the window, I rip the rolled up $20 bill in tiny shreds
I add these half drank beers layin around to the collection of whiskey bottles in the trash
I'm close to just taking a match to the apartment and going down in flames with it, everything's ruined anyway....

"Why the **** are you screaming and making so much ******* noise?!" He yelled while standing in the hall, making sure he avoided the glass from the bottle meant for his face last night
I'm frozen, my eyes locked on him can't let him make a single move and not be ready
"What the **** are you doing here? Don't you know SHE called you, not me?!" I glare at him wishing on everything he'd just vanish like the smoke had out the window
He smirks and shakes his head, mumbling what a crazy ***** I am
"No one but YOU called me!" His violent tone makes me flashback to the night before, when I pleaded for him to stop

This isn't gonna work
There's no coming back from this
Not this time, I've ******* up to the point of no return
Those cold eyes staring at me I never in my life wanted to see again
She would be the only one stupid enough to ever go back to him
To this wasteland she calls a life
The one from the shattered frame is just that
A shattered dream... And she took it from me
Well that's the last thing she takes
I'm winning the last round
He's been yelling at me now for at least 10 mins, I haven't heard a word but I sputter "I don't care"
Enraged he makes his way toward me
Eyes wide with fear but, realizing I only have one choice
I spin around, push the sliding glass door open and climb on the ledge of my balcony staring down so so far below me, the wind whipping my hair all around my face
I hear him call "what are you doing... Don't do..,"
But before he can finish his sentence, I close my eyes and jump

I scream so loud it wakes me from my sleep
I'm covered in sweat
My dog just stares at me, too frightened to move
There's a picture of me and the one who truly cares on my nightstand
Not a single crack
No pills, straws, whiskey bottles or broken glass
She's not here
It's just me in the dark, with a slight chilly breeze comin in through a cracked window
I lay back down and hold the covers tight
Shivering but I'm not cold
Fear just runs wild, and burning in my veins
She's not here, he's not here and there's no trail of destruction
In the window I see my reflection
No black&blu;; eye or face, no blood trickles from my nose
I light a cigarette and smile at the smell of stale cigarettes in the ashtray
It's never smelled so beautiful and I have never felt more free of her than I do at this moment
Cause in that moment I realize I am me
I used to know her, but she's from the past and she doesn't know where I live anymore
I smash my cigarette into the ashtray and smile as some of it creeps out my window

I never saw this coming
There was no light at the end of the tunnel
Your grip on me was so strong
How could I escape?

You were wonderful at first but. You quickly changed
And suddenly I needed you way more than you'd ever need me
But you because so cruel, if I tried to ignore you, you'd make me so crazy I had to see you

I want out of here
I don't want to be around you anymore
You're not my friend, you're like a poison slowing killing my soul
I wasn't even a shadow of who I'd been
I cried so many nights, wanting to reach out but, judgement scared me more than you

You weren't my only enemy
No the devil was by my side everyday, every night feeding me with lies
And constant excuses on why we needed to see you
I hated it so much, I was trapped
If I didn't do what he said, I faced harsh consequences, and I was just as afraid of him as I was of you
What in the hell was I gonna do to get out of this hell that was my life now

All of the sudden something dark and scary took me away from the both of you
A foolish mistake saved me
It forced me to see you and him in a realistic light
I spent many nights lonely, in pain and ashamed

The gates finally opened
As the fresh air hits my face, I smile but then quickly realize what's happening
I have my choices back
And you're right around the corner
And HE is coming
I know what I should do, I know I should tell you to *******...
But, when I'm around him I become weak
I lose my voice
So we hung out with you a few more times

I was crying, sweating, freezing and hating myself
I already did this! Why the hell did I go back to your house for?
Why am I with him, I can see in his eyes that he's sinking deeper
He's with you all the time
And I never wanna see you again
And I won't

So life went into different direction fast
A path I never ever thought it'd be possible for me to be on
I was seeing everything and everyone for exactly what they were
He was the worst, and as days passed, he grew darker and any loving feelings I had ever felt from him were gone
And so were mine, in fact I couldn't find a single reason to care anymore

It took longer than I wanted for things to end with him
Even though he was nothing but toxic
I couldn't seem to work up the courage to just say "it's over, we don't belong together"
I played every trick in the book
I was cold and distance, distracted
But, it just caused fights
And the fights meant nothing to me, no guilt or remorse filled my heart
I just wanted my indifference to make him leave

As usual, the **** literally hit the fan
Our last blow out was huge, earth shattering
Though I no longer desired him, his words sliced me right to the core, bringing out anger that I'd buried for so long
Trapped, no way out, you took control of the situation
In my own home, my parents upstairs sleeping with no clue the evil happening below them
He almost took everything from me
My breathing was none existence, I was seeing dark spots, fading away slowing
This can't be the way it ends
And I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mom

Abruptly he backed away
I lay there gasping for air
Crying while holding my broken heart in my hand
I climbed In my bed, sobbing, looking at the wall, holding my broken heart tightly in my hand
I never thought I could hate someone as much as I hated him

The next day brought sun and a mixture of tears
As I remembered every disturbing moment from last night
Ignoring the bruises in the mirror
It was over, I repeated these words to him over and over
His arrogance had him in shock
As if the night before hadn't taken place
And even though tears filled my eyes as I repeated my words
I wasn't crying over the loss of him, but the fact that it took a glimpse of death to free myself of him

But, the tragedy turned into a victory for me
Not because he got what he deserved
That I was free from him and you
Thinking about either makes me laugh now
The demons are slowly exiting my body and soul
He's still trapped
You'll always be one of my biggest mistakes

But,  I'm over you both.
And there's no way in hell I'd ever come back
No need for goodbyes
There's no sentiment being left behind
Just an empty man... Whose completely clueless to what's happened
Just give it time
People won't forget the evil things he did

But they will forget you
Hands had been extend to him
To help
But, he'd say " I have no problem"
And that's ok
But, maybe when hes 40 and still in the same place, And everyone has moved on, he'll see he wasn't the only evil one in the room... You were lurking in the shadows, whispering his name and he couldn't ignore you
And all that time is just gone now

He was just part of my addiction
Part if my fear of not being alone
But the second I made him go
The darkness was lifted, the sun came out
And I saw a world, I'd missed out on
If I'd stayed, well never mind that's wasn't an option

In the late of night
The devil tried to steal my light from me forever
There was nothing but hate in his  eyes
He knocked me down hard and repeated
I got up. I got out. I got a little braver

And then I got up, free and far away from you
No longer poisoned
I am not his prisoner
I'm no longer at either of your beck and call

I am free. I am me

I am me again

It's been over a year
Over a year since I couldn't stop thinking about you since we met
Almost one year since you took my heart causally in your hands and tore it apart
Then left as I crumbled on the floor
I'll never understand how it was so simple for you
When I was struggling just to breath
I ran for awhile, I couldn't bare the pain of losin you
Then as I knew it would, it was time for me to go home
Closer to you
Closer to your smell on what was once your pillow
Tears overflowed for months
Even when you came back into my life
I was with you but, not all at the same time
Closer than ever to a breakdown
Ready, pretty much already on my knees pleading for you to give us another chance
Stuck on the fence, you blocked me in
I couldn't get over, I couldn't get under
You were all my eyes, my heart could see
Slowly my soul was dying because without you, I felt I had nothing in it
The fire you'd once ignited, wasn't even a lonely spark anymore
Just smoke rising from the ashes of what was you and me
Even after she moved in
I kept chasing hope, I kept saying "Time will make him see, it's me, not her."
The clocks still ticking
Closer to your arrival home
Which I dread
I don't want to see you and fall to pieces
But then today it hit me
Like a ton of bricks
Or maybe I busted through
I was just staring up at the sky, and I realized, I hadn't thought of you once today
Not even for half a second had you crossed my mind until I realized you hadn't
And I smiled
I grabbed my pen and scribbled some words on a piece of paper I might be talking about it now
But, only outta sheer excitement
Restored faith
Finally a light, even though so dim, it was at the end of the tunnel
Because, today was a big day
The day I got closer to being over you

Smooth sand, crisp clear waves
Sunlight for days and days
I stare into the ocean in a slight haze, lost in my thoughts
The waves like my life, some small, some big, like lessons I've been taught
I came here for peace, serenity
To just forget for awhile and stare into what appears to be eternity
The sunrise bright in my eyes
Making the torment transparent I carry inside
That reveals me, leaving me open
Yes what you see is true, I'm not just a saint,that I also sin
I'm not really that different than you
But when you look at me, you see the shipwreck, and think that can't be true
I'm not the only one with scars
Or the only one wishing on stars
The pain I feel inside is deep
I tell no lie, I do not want to continue to row what i seep l
I confess to it all
No one pushed me down, no I had a bad fall
Took me so much longer than I thought to get back on my feet
To try and sort through the pain stacked in tall piles so neat
I start but I have to stop from time to time
It's too much and sometimes I'm taken back that it's all mine
That it's self inflicted
I had no clue my hatred for myself was so wicked
I guess she needed me to wake up before I never got the chance to again
Suddenly I knew I wanted things better than they'd been
As I watched the waves crash on the shore, it all becomes clear to me.
I fell and I'm up
But I gotta get movin
I'm sorry if you get left behind, I asked you to stay and follow
But this journey will be my own
I'll return a stranger, just as you became a stranger to me
I shake my head, stare deep at the clear blue water and it hits me
The water splashes my feet as I get closer to the ocean
It so warm, so inviting and I dive into a wave
The water takes over and I feel completely at peace
And my journey begins..

Idk the rules of love
  If there even are any
I never been in love to compare to what I feel today
  But the pain I feel from the loss of you is greater than my strongest feelings for them
  Idk if it has to be weeks
Months
  Years...
Or you just fall in love in a moment that takes your breath away and captures your heart
  Takes it from you, so when they leave... You're lost, and they can't hear it's beating but, you never stop feeling it
Silly as I feel
  It's just you
I ache missing you
Will it stop?
Do you even remember when your heart beat next to mine?
   I never ever believed something couldn't be lost
Until you
I just saw life stretched out with you by my side
But you're not
  You're long gone, clueless to what you've done to me
  It fills me up with emotions I want to stay but, they drain away when   my eyes open in the morning light and your spot on the beds empty
  Empty, empty I'm just empty
My mind rewinds us daily
The grip I have hurts my soul because your soul I didn't get to keep       I'm alone
  Without you, it just doesn't make sense
  Do you feel me at all?
My nails on your arm, or running through your hair as I laid on your chest?
Do you remember wiping my tears, holding me tight, choking on goodbye?
  Do you remember the way my eyes made you melt?
And how we just talked and laughed for hours?
Do you remember being home?
  I know my shatter heart cut you to pieces
But you never said you'd leave
  I didn't think you'd just replace me  but, grip my hand so tight
Our we lost at sea? Drug out by the ocean tide?
  Is missing you my fate?
Will I be different if I see you again?
Will you?
You, you, just you
I met just you
  I had just you
I fell for just you
Eyes only for just you
Fear for losin just you
These I'm sorry's for just you
  These tears are only just for you
Life gets in the way
We get in our own way
Idk if this is love...
  But, I do know this pain consumes me and my heart is heavy and barely getting by
  Idk the rules of love
If there are rules
I broke the biggest one..
I lost you
I lost shaking loves hands wrapped in your arms
  I lost just you
Just you
I miss you so much, I still hear your voice, see your smile, feel your arms    around me, your goofy giggle, your guarded but protective heart, your  weaknesses, the awful storm you put me in
  The selfishness when you wouldn't just let me go
Why did you want me to stay?
Will I ever know?
Do you see the same bright star I see?
Do you ever turn around and catch a glimpse of my eyes, or smell lingering
  To just float away
Idk the rules of love
But, my heart won't change it's beat for you
  And We're oceans apart
My hearts scattered in tiny pieces floating with the waves
To you? Idk.
  Would you put it back together?
Idk the rules, or if love has any
I just wanna find the exception
Every rule has an exception
  It's just you
Just you
My eyes slip shut, and for just a little while.. It'll be just you....
  And me
Love will be there
  Just you&Me; again
Idk the rules of love
  But, maybe if I stop searching for answers, next time I open my eyes
It will be Just You&Jus;; Me
  For now, I'll just dream....
I just don't know the rules of love