You slipped right through my fingers
(I never really had you any way)
I could swear up and down you don't care for me. It makes things so much easier.
Flashback to you kissing my freckled cheek while I'm asleep. Telling me words I've save for later. I'll turn them over and over in my head like worry stones.
Flashforward to you sitting with me in a crowded place. "We're just friends," you say evenly. I try my best not to squirm. Because we were never just anything.
I knew I'd pay the price for this. But who was I to give up a body that fit so well into mine?
You dowsed my ribs in gasoline when you first spoke words of your affection. You consistently threw lit matches at me.
Now you recoil and Jesus Christ, how do I begin to put myself out?
Do I even want to?
You show me a match you've saved for later. I don't know if able to reconstruct myself for the hell of it just to watch it burn later
Don't think I wasn't destructive before you. I am, and I will be infinitely. I am thinking of how my smoke built up in your lungs. Exhale now. Doing what's best for all involved parties.
"Do you know what it was like being around you, knowing I couldn't hold you?"
In that moment I'm certain somewhere in another life I would have loved you. Because all I ever wanted was the kind of romance I could write about it. The kind of sadness and longing that settles behind your ribs. If it had been a book I would've dog eared us and wept. But this is my life, real life and I can't just this back on the shelf.