He build me up only to tear me down
With words that hide behind a laugh, "I'm only playing"
But I can see through you and feel what you're doing to me
Breaking my confidence, my strength
Questioning my character
And for moments you had me
Under your manipulation
Consumed with the gratification when something was pleasing in your eyes
Inside I become wary of what I might say and how it'll be perceived
I can't live up to your perfect "image" of what a woman's suppose to be
The truth is it's too exhausting pretending to be okay
That somehow you'll change, when I've been exposed to your true self
The self that finds fault with almost everything
The self that refuses to love blindly
The self that is domineering, controlling, deafening
The self that is cold and calculating
The Narcissist in you

The loneliness comes without notice
Not even a courtesy call
I beckon it in resentfully
Ask it to brush the mud off at the door
No words exchange
No need
We've been through this before
I pull the sweater over my head
And scrunch the jeans to the floor
He runs the bath
I lay in the warm tub
My eyes fix on an empty ceiling
As it's hands push me under
Gently, smoothly
The water feels comforting at first
Until like a flood the heightened panic enflames
I try not to stir, it'll only make it worse
I lay in the moment, the seconds that feel like hours
I can't breathe, I stop thinking
It's only when I let go, does he
Removes me from his grip
Allowing me space to catch myself
He stands up and lingers
I lean against the cold tiles until I regain myself
Then he vanishes and I hear the door slam shut
His job is done, for now

I wish I had words to express
Words packed with hidden metaphors and allusions
Words that lifted hearts and transcended consciousness
Words that accurately portrayed what I feel at this very moment in time
Yet all I have are ambitions, wishes
A mind that jumbles emotions into labyrinths of secret desires
All I know is I miss it
Miss what once was
And deconstruct because that time has past
Gathering what's left
To build again

It's disarming how easily one falls
back into the mundane
Suffocating slowing
Unaware that dying is taking place
Intensities subside
Passions extinguish
And who we once were passes away into nothingness
Transformed unconsciously into a hybrid of collaborated fantasy and yearning
The wanting to be loved sincerely
Replaced by simply being loved in a tired form
I take my place in the scheme
Too afraid to move
But I'm not in love

As the sky weeps upon my shoulder
I reminisce of a young girl searching for peace
Amongst the cry of a broken home
Consumed with sadness she cries
Imagining a place in time
When ache has passed
A place called home
Where cries of laughter bellow
In song

Did I ever love you?
You ask like you don’t know
That there was a time I would’ve done anything
to smell you
to taste your breath
and lay
There was a time
you made me want to be a better version of myself
I did all of it for you, for us, for we
Did I ever love you?
What kinda **** is that to say?
When I pulled down my walls for you to see
The puzzle pieces that make me
My laughs
My barfs
And farts
We loved each-other, held each-other, needed each-other
I got a chance to explore the vessel of you
Counted every freckle and mole- 42
Gazed into those bedroom eyes as I slipped through
Tickled you just to hear you laugh out loud
Kissed your thumb, my favorite finger
Of Course I loved you

He used to sing to me
Time floated on the melody of his alto
Vibrating on chords that connected my soul with his
As light filtered through the eggshell curtains
I could hear the rising of the sun
He used to sing to me
The beat of his heart transfixed ours in tune
With every inhale
I knew
That space, change nor distance could erase
Our energies
He used to sing to me
The words meaningless, the breath he spared miraculous
For me he took those precious breaths
Giving me those memories I will never soon forget

So sick of this thing called love
So annoyed with its facade of bliss n ****
Everyone needs to get over it.
It’s like being suspended in the air
Filled with hope and fear
As you wait, wait, wait
Wait to see if you’ll float off to heaven or fall flat on your face.
So sick of this thing called love
That burns like acid between your veins
Sizzling the blood, trapping rational senses into explosive emotion
And just when you think you can never get enough of it
It disappears into time and space
And we search, search, search
Search again for those powerful fictitious emotions
Again, waiting and waiting
Till love drops us on our heads
So sick of this thing called love
So annoyed with its facade of bliss n ****
Everyone just needs to get over it.

I tried to call tonight
As usual your phone is disconnected
That is exactly why I broke up with you
You're never there when I need you
Available.... yet, unreachable
UUUGHHHHH
I had hoped that you would get it together
Be the reliable man I neeeeed you to be
For our future, our family
The hypothetical one of course.
I'm sorry that I needed more from you
I'm sorry that your half-*** wasn't good enough
Because it's ruined my life as well as yours
Here I am growing up
There you are stuck
But I'll save my apologies
No use in trying anymore
I've walked out that door
yet
I'm having trouble closing it

I never got it until now
Could never see because I was blind
Shut off the feelings I had inside
No perspective- only pride
I’m sorry for being dead inside
It helped me compartmentalize
Without any consequence of what I had done
Until I stared into the star filled night
And realized
I never got it until now
I didn’t wanna see that look in your eyes
As I laughed out loud
And you contemplate
With sorrow strung on your face
I looked straight at you
Without seeing you at all
Because I didn’t want to feel what I had caused
I never got it until now
That I am an emotionally manipulative witch
And by witch I mean *****

I've come to the conclusion that I must focus on God
Not a man, not myself, not those dysfunctional family members whose problems I try to solve but never can
God- the source of strength, peace, and love
Whose blessings have gone by without a bat of my eye
I missed all those opportunities to be grateful
I missed out on my joy choosing to focus on secular situations that were a subtractive force in my life
I've come to the conclusion that I must first love God in the way He loves me- unconditionally, irrespective of my faults
Focusing on the word of God allows me to feel security in knowing that he will never let me down
As I pray for those that need His mercy, that too takes the burden off of me, as I relinquish control and let Him do his thing.
I give it all to God- my insecurities, my worries, my fears
I am no longer in control of my life, I am a vessel for his Glory

No matter what I may think
Everything will work out
It always does
I won't be alone
I won't fall apart
I won't be sad- not always
But I will be strong
And have faith
Because regardless of my doubts
And my worries
There will be a way
My Father in Heaven
has never forsaken me
God is the source of all my strength
Blessings abound no matter the size
I will not forget
No matter what I sometimes think
Everything will work out
It always does
It always has
I will have faith
I will trust
I am not alone

Death is but the sweetest sorrow
To be lost and gone the 'morrow
Til' the soul it finds an end
Who to those don't understand
Let it be, as must it should
To find peace within the gloom... it would

Oh, how justly it is aught
God's great hand which is sought
Angels held his air like structure
Bring about no pain or destruction
Let it be, I must say
That we shall go another way

I sit on the edge
of loneliness and listen
will he ever come?

I never knew I had what they all want
Not until I let it go did I know
That the comfortable feeling that happens after 10 years
Is a blissful state craved for
No hiding, no pretending, no judgments
I didn't have to hold em in or make myself pretty
I didn't have to be nice or seem interested
I could drink a bottle of wine and slur
And still you looked through my mess
With eyes soft
Held me tighter than before and let me snore in your arms
I never knew and I took you for granted
That what you did was because you loved ME
Just me, the bags under my eyes, the marks on my face, my stinky breath from smoking too much
I wish I didn't realize that how you loved was what they all want
A helping hand, selfless, compassionate and kind
Because I could have moved on
Now I'm stuck comparing everyone to you

I find myself missing
Missing his calloused hands
The smell of his sweat