Fear and panic sweep over me.
I need to move
but I'm paralyzed by my need for normalcy.
One pop of a pill and it will drift away,
and I will sleep.

But sleep is for the weak,
or is sleep for the week?
That's what my body
bounces back and forth between.
There is no middle.
No start.
Eventually an End.

The inner meaning of desire
bounces from my heart to my head,
as if it is the ball in a pin ball machine.
I try to fight off this anxious feeling,
though it is a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Why do I fight with the chemicals in my body?

I fight to feel normal.
I fight to not rely on a simple pop of a pill that my doctor gives me.
She tells me to take it when I need it, she trusts me.
Sometimes I feel that trust is too much.
Because this anxiety is a metaphor for life,
and I know that problems cannot be solved, by one simple solution.
I fight to be strong.

My mind replays that teenage weekend.
The one that was intense, carefree and beautiful.
We spent that weekend like young lovers
Racing thoughts and pulsing hearts
Not once did we stop and think about what is right
or what is wrong.

Though in this teenage weekend,
nothing is wrong
it is all right.
That's the beauty of this teenage weekend.

Exploring the new depths of something so profound,
we are innocent.
This is new.
It is beautiful.
Carefree.
Intense.

That teenage weekend
is forever there.

I think I am always an afterthought,
one that people seem to disregard,
It seems that people call me when there is nothing left,
and I don't know how I feel about being being second best.
Dates are asked and promised,
and phone calls are never returned,
the tightly tied strings of friendship are fringed and burned.
The effort is never made,
as it is assumed I will always be there,
an afterthought, a maybe,
forgotten without a care.
You don't jump at the chance to be with me,
it's always a "maybe", or a "we will see."
I am not number one on any lists,
not "best looking", or "who I want to kiss."
But I'm an afterthought,
the one lingering in the back of your mind,
the "not too bad", the "she's okay",
"with her it's an alright time."
An afterthought,
I do not want to be,
But a first thought,
the one you want to see.

When I'm alone
the sun is shining
but I don't want to go outside.

The rain starts to fall
I can hear it outside.
Drip
Drop
Drip
Drop
Drip Drop Drip Drop Drip Drop
When does it stop?

When I do not want to be alone,
No one is there.
I am surrounded by constant fear.
But when it rains, it pours.
And you come running fast.
And he comes running fast.
They all come running fast.

But when I am alone.
That's all I am.
Alone.

The music seeps into my soul
It becomes my thoughts
The notes become the blood
Rushing through my veins
My feet start to move as easily
As my lungs keep me breathing
All of the minuscule details that I fight with every day
Disappear.
I feel free.
Peaceful.
Beautiful.

I want to paint a picture in your head,
of the feelings that I feel when laying in my bed.
I want my words to flow like the paint brush,
and I want you to feel the rush.
Imagine this as you may,
I wake to the sun and the birds each and every day.
It's warm and inviting,
but I just want to hide,
and sleep took forever with exhaustion by my side.
As I make my way through the day,
I am cheerful, smiling, I hope you can see.
I love the days and the nights,
all the birds and all the trees.
The wind flows through my long crazy hair, and the sun beats upon my snow white skin,
But I am not quite a princess,
and my heart seems to be replaced by tin.
Do not take it the wrong way,
as it works perfectly fine,
and it does all the loving in the world,
but I keep wondering if some day I'll have someone to call mine.
As I said, don't take it the wrong way,
I have a full heart and a full life,
and if someone never comes my way, I'll be okay if I'm never a wife.
As this thought crosses my mind most of the time,
I feel the sun beams as they shine,
and the love they give is enough for me,
but then I wonder if it will always be.

My heart feels light
and my head is clear
I can breathe.
My time is to focus on me.
Not you, not her, not us, not we, just me.
It may seem rude, or maybe selfish,
but I cannot care.

The sky seems blue
and my smile is bright.
Worry no longer plagues my heart.
Deep breaths.
In and out.
Out and in.
This is a time for me.

I must love myself with extraordinary passion before I push to love you.
My passion is extending for miles and the weight has been lifted.
I am free from all the shadows of the night
and all the aggressiveness that I would fight.

My smile is bright.
My heart is light.
The sky is blue.
My head is clear.
Solace engulfs my air.

Thank you
Thank you for breaking me into pieces; I'm stronger after I have rebuilt.
Thank you for showing me my weaknesses; they are now my strengths.
Thank you for loving me in all the wrong ways; but thanks for all the right ones too.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Thank you for cheating; we would still be playing the same game.
Thank you for changing; I've changed too.
Thank you for introducing me to your culture; I now know what I want to study.
Thank you for helping me to choose life.
Thank you for the pain, the love, the tears, for I am strong.

"No one could give so much and never get anything"
are the lyrics for each day.
As I give my all,
every single breath,
but no one is ever here to stay.
Every person I meet,
I love them fully,
everything of mine is theirs,
they could never walk away, could they?
And in the end they do,
and so I begin again,
and give my all to the new.
Everyone deserves to be loved,
and that's why I'm here,
to be the friend, the smile,
to show them that I care.

The way your eyes light up when you say my name,
the way your lips curl when you come in for a kiss.
The way you hold me in your arms so I feel secure.
It is all i can think about when you are not near.

You, my dear, are everything I've ever dreamed of.
You are more than I ever thought could be true.

I feel I have finally found my missing piece, my other half, my soulmate.

You shine brighter than all the stars in the sky,
and you make my heart beat faster,
and faster
andfasterandfasterandfaster
than ever before.
My stomach fills with butterflies,
my heart turns into a knot.
And my soul feels complete
because of you.

When I’m sick
I think that is when I miss you the most.
We were best friends.
You knew what to do to make me feel better.
You would let me take naps till the pains went away.
You rubbed my stomach.
You cured it.
I hate being sick
Cause it makes me miss you
More than I already do.

I wrote you a letter every month we were together,
so you would know how much you really mean.
It entailed my thoughts,
through the written words,
my love for you was told.
A present for you, at one time,
just a reminder for how long you had been mine.
But besides these letters,
I spoke the truth,
You were to know how I felt every day,
so that not one second would you doubt my love.
I begged and bargained with those up above,
that you would understand my love,
you did and you smiled,
as my words and my gestures were strong and enough,
Not one second did you forget my love.

As we began to grow,
a future in tow,
another letter written with love.
I realized I forgot to see,
if you loved me.

When I was younger my sister asked me what was love.
I told her it is when you care about someone a lot.
This definition is result of my innocence, of my age.
I did not know when I told her that love would be the heart-wrenching terribly beautiful story that it is.
I didn't know that you would give your all to someone who would just walk out the door.
That you could picture your life with them as a main character... just to have them find someone else.
I could not tell my sister that your heart will drop into your stomach when you think they might be gone.
That you might need constant reassurance for days to come, as that evil thought still clouds your mind.
I couldn't tell my sister that sometimes it is a one way street. That sometimes you will do all the loving.
I couldn't tell my sister that the pain of lost love, will haunt your next love. That it is a break that will never mend.
I couldn't tell my sister that your heart still drops when you think of them.
My sister didn't know that your happiness may be set aside, and you'll look out for someone else.
Though, I could tell her now.
I could tell her how you feel you are floating on air and how each day just seems better.
How your jaw hurts from smiling and your stomach from laughing.
How the happiness you feel with another, is indescribable.
I could tell her how life seems easy and the future looks bright.
I could tell my sister how you long to form memories and want to create a world.
But,
what I couldn't tell my sister,
is how amazing it felt to hold your hand.

When you are gone
the wind will be silent.
All I will hear is the pound of my heart
like the branches on the window.
It will beat harder than before
and I will feel the pain twice as hard.
I will miss you.
My heart will  find its home in my stomach.
The laugh that falls from my mouth will be one that leaves an aching pain
as I use to share my laughter with you.
As I lay in my bed all alone
and know that you are not coming back,
I will tuck the pillows around me so my sleeping soul thinks of you.
Only then will I fall asleep.
When they ask about you,
I will smile and carry on.
As that is what I do.
But everyday, oh everyday I will miss you.

She remembers them,
as if it was yesterday.

Shaking.
Screaming.
Hitting.
Scratching.
Herself.

Sh­e was out of control.
She was afraid.
It was a terrible thing, really.
A girl once in total control,
spiraling out of control.

She was drowning in fear,
fear of herself.
As she swam closer to the top,
the monster inside pulled her down further.
She could not get up.

Water.
Filled.
Her.
Lungs.
She.
Could.
Not.
Breathe.

Wishin­g the water would take over completely.
This state in between living and not.
It is not a way to be.

They say to take deep breaths,
but as she prepares for the air to fill her lungs,
water flows in.
They said she would be okay.
What is happening?
What is going on?

Yelling.
Crying.
Screaming.

What is going on?!
She wants things to make sense.
Everyone around her is afraid.
They try to comfort her,
but nothing works.

She shakes in her own skin,
with no where to run.
She cries and she sleeps and tries to get through every day,
just hoping it will get better.

The 'Hello Beautiful!'
and the warm hugs,
just the thought brings a smile to my face.
Your kind words and soothing phrases I have not heard before,
heart-fluttering, soul-smiling, refreshing, breathtaking.
When our hands are gently laced,
or even when I squeeze,
the world doesn't seem as scary
and the monsters aren't really that bad.
As we sing along to the radio,
our melodies of life overlap,
worlds and song colliding,
still saying on the same track.
My demons are hiding,
as you push them away,
they can't hurt me when I am with you.
Two halves don't make a whole,
for us,one and one makes a better two.
My happiness is hard to put down into words,
as nothing seems to come out right.
A smile is constant on my face,
I fall asleep calmly each and every night.

I keep waiting for the news,
that you do not want to stay,
that somehow these feelings you lose,
that they somehow slipped away.

Maybe it's another face,
another smile,
Or maybe it's a different chase,
maybe I've pushed you past your last mile,
or that this love has been fading for awhile.

I wonder every day if I've done something wrong,
I wonder if maybe I was talking for too long.
I worry all the time that maybe I'm too crazy,
or maybe it's the fact that sometimes I get too lazy.

This wonderful thing I hope is here to stay,
but every day I wonder,
what's the price I'll have to pay.

Why hello there,
these feelings that have been hidden!
You came out of nowhere,
escaped the depths of the walls in my heart!
You demanded your way out,
no choice be to be felt.
The smile is swept across my face,
and I can feel the happiness radiating from the core of my soul.
The way you make me feel is a beautiful one,
and the feelings I feel are exhilarating.
My body is rejuvenated with the passion of you.
The newness and the greatness of you,
overwhelms my body,
pulls me under.
And those breaths of air are just enough.

What could I have done?
To do you so wrong
That all I feel from you now is that I am shunned.
I know I was once a song
a song that you could sing along,
but now I am the distant tune.

You change the radio when you hear this song.
When the lyrics speak true to your mind,
ignore what we had,
pretend that these words and the melody
do not make you think of me.

We do not speak any longer,
but only through song.
I feel your pain
but I do not know
this song.

Though you might be far away,
you're not really that far at all,
I keep thinking of that day,
when I really started to fall.

Every night that I am without you,
is a struggle and I'm sad,
But the next day is one that brings me that much closer to you
and it's really not that bad.

While the distance might be daring,
I'm willing to take that risk,
A love like this is worth sharing,
and it's something I would never miss.

You asked for my heart
so I hesitantly gave it,
Afraid of what would happen,
I just decided to brave it.
Singing softly along side your voice,
I started to fall as if I didn't have a choice.
Then you went in reverse
and you took it all back,
You grabbed my heart
and just tossed it into your stack
of all the hearts you don't care to wound,
I couldn't have learned of this too soon.
I'll see you around,
and I'm glad we aren't a thing,
because your smile is deceitful,
and your words just sting.

I want to live a life worth living,
one that I can smile at every day.
A life that does more good than harm,
one where I have the final say.
My life is mine to live,
it isn't for anyone else.
A life where I embrace the doubt.
For every day is not perfect,
and I may scream and I may cry.
But at the end of the day I want to go to sleep,
knowing that I've tried.
My life is mine to embrace,
take in all the love and all the fears.
For life isn't always kittens and rainbows,
and it isn't always nightmares and tears.

My mind shifts back to yesterday,
when I was in your arms,
wishing I could stay.
Feeling your heart beat match mine,
and your lips so close to me.

I held your hand tight,
afraid that if I let go,
you might drift away,
float off into the abyss
and I would never hear your sweet words again.

Your words escape from your mouth,
and they resemble the melody to my favorite song.
They are my favorite song.
You say enough words to fill my ears forever.
I could live forever and your words would be enough.

As I reflect on yesterday,
I realize that there is no place I would rather be,
than in your arms,
gentle, yet strong.
Keeping me safe.

Yesterday seems like a dream now.
Or maybe a movie.
I keep rewinding.
Being with you,
is my own personal heaven.

How lucky am I
that I have found heaven here on earth?

This isn't easy for me ya kno',
the pain is still swelling I feel it EVERY day,
my heart feels so ******* low.
I didn't set off to have us end like this,
it wasn't my idea ya kno',
just sometimes things go amiss.
I think you sometimes see me as the devil,
that I only wish to cause you pain,
but I cannot be your crutch any longer,
it has just been too much of a strain.
I try to write and I just cannot.
So this is where it will end.
oh well.
goodbye, my friend

Type. Type. Type.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
I do not know how to write how I feel.
You make me crazy…er.
I want to paint this beautiful portrait of how you have opened up my monotonous life.
I want you to be able to see how easily you can make my day.
But I can’t think of the words.
I have the image in my head,
But my mouth is not able to speak.
My mind is not able to form sentences.
I do not know which way is up and which way is down.
I do not know what is right and what is wrong.
This feeling you have left me with is one that I wish to never let go of…that I know.

As the birds chirp,
I think of you.
I think of you and how I wish you could hear them.
I wish that you could hear them and see them.
Feel the cold air on your face that is somehow warmer than yesterday.
The sun shines a beautiful glimmer today,
and the dark gloom of winter is melting away.
But all I can think is that I wish that you were stumbling out of bed in the morning
and hitting snooze just one more time so that you have enough energy for class.
I wish you were tired from all the work you were doing and not from sitting down all day.
I wish you had to run to your car cause you were so cold
or that you need to run in the house cause you stepped in a giant puddle.
But that you'd be somewhat okay cause that puddle means that the snow is melting and that spring is coming.
Spring means things will be fresh
and so will you.
You will be new.
And I cannot wait for the day
when we get to sit down,
under the sun,
and laugh
and have these days be just a memory.
For you will feel the sun on your skin,
and you will smell the freshly cut grass,
and our biggest problems will be what drink to have next
and that the sun is in our eyes.
But it will be okay,
because you'll be outside but we can go inside too.
and you'll be okay.

You've poisoned my once favorite songs
as I sing the words I can only taste your mouth.
As my music use to be my escape
Now, it pulls me back under.
I'm trying to swim
with weights around my ankles,
and waves that keep pushing me down.
Where is the shore?
As the lyrics play through my mind,
my heart sinks to my stomach.
The memories of us replace the rhythms,
and my sad broken heart, replaces the happiness I use to feel.

I wish I could put down in words how I want to feel,
but my mind is blank,
and no words are fit to describe.
And no matter what I write, it doesn't feel okay,
the emotion is lost in translation,
and feelings are hidden away.
I wish I could put into words
How I replay lyrics in my head that seem the be the only ones to understand,
And how everyone seems to have said what I want to say,
but the power and the strength and the passion do not stay
They are echoed in the syllables,
but not reflected in the voice,
the desire is not dragged through the words,
People hear them but do not listen,
and the meaning is lost.

My love for you.
Is just that.
It’s all the words I have left unspoken.
It is all the things I wish you have said to me.
I do not understand
How something so good…like loving you..
Could hurt someone so bad.

I write the words that I wish I could hear,
they flow from my lips, from my fingertips.
A gentle sound that wraps around my mind,
a peaceful world encompasses my soul as I write.
I record what is important to me.
As the way I feel and what I wish I could hear,
power this drive to fill the world with my words.
I speak to those that I care,
I will use my words to share
the way that I feel,
as words can have such an effect,
and I do not want to let any feelings be left.
While my words may not change lives, or move mountains,
they release my soul and make the weight lift off my shoulders.
While when I write it might not be exactly how I feel,
it is the words and feelings that I wish to hear.

The records played as I lay next to you,
your heart beat was all that I wanted to hear.
The music sinking in to our veins
and the soft touch of your lips
provides a feeling I do not want to forget.
The way our fingers intertwined
and the witty comments bolted back and forth.
The romantic gesture of holding hands,
but the holding back of being just friends.
As the months grow colder as you distance from me,
My gloves become the one to warm my hands.
The fire is on the stove and no longer in my heart.
I see the leaves fall as we walked together, as I fell for you the same.
As the ground frosts,
my heart begins to become numb,
and the feelings I once felt are a distance memory.
Ones that cannot be replayed without the help of the record from that day,
when we intertwined and the music trapped my soul,
and things were easy
and no second guesses.
and I began to fall like the leaves from the tree.

I do not know where to start,
For I cannot seem to find my heart.
Or my words, or my mind, or my thoughts.
For your name is all I got.
Your smile and your hair,
And those blue eyes, boy you got me there.
I love to think of how it would be,
if you opened up to me.

I hope your days are going well
and that your nights are going strong.
I hope your days keep you busy
and that you do not think of me.
That you go through each day doing what feeds your heart.
I hope you make new friends and that you make them laugh
Kinda like you use to make me.
But as you drive in your car, that song comes on,
I know you'll think of me.
Of my singing and my smiles and when the happiness radiated from the center of my soul.
Of the way I looked when I was scared but how it would escape from me when love crossed my path.
But when you get the call from your friend,
I hope I pass out of your mind.
I hope you enjoy your nights and they turn into morning,
but when that last sip of alcohol hits your lips,
and exhaustion becomes inevitable,
you'll wish I was there to help you sleep and keep you warm through your drunken rumbles,
I hope that the wind beats against your window as you drift slowly to sleep
and that you grasp the pillow as you wish it was me.
As you awake from your slumber,
you think I am there
and my perfume graces your nose from my spot in your bed.
As you awaken to your tight grasp on your pillow,
you hold even harder and inhale even deeper,
for you know that my smell will not resonate there much longer.
I hope that as you drift off to sleep in a bed that is all yours,
you sleep peacefully and smile when I enter your dreams.
It is easier at night, for I am not there.
You are able to gently fall asleep without my constant chatter and endless turning.
But when there comes a night that you lie awake
and the wind is silent
and you are left with your thoughts
I hope you'll think of me
and you will long for one last smell of my perfume
and one last word as you drift to sleep.
I hope your days are easy
and your nights are too.

These paper cuts are the reminders that I'm still alive
that I still feel pain that isn't in my head.
To feel an ache outside your heart,
rushing the blood through your body.
A strange reassurance.
My brain gets the signal that something isn't right.
To the source of the pain, to fix it.
My body works wonders.
My body is wonderful.
If this could work like on my mind.
If my brain could rush to the source of the pain and work endlessly to fix it,
to avoid infection.
But the problem is in my mind,
my brain receives an error message.
A problem that cannot be fixed without rebooting.
These paper cuts give me a strange comfort,
that I am alive.
And make it seem okay,
that something so small,
can hurt so much.

I sit here
and wish it wasn't true.
That this pain I'm feeling
wasn't because of you.

That I didn't put my hope into someone
who didn't feel the same.
That I didn't risk my heart,
but I guess I'm to blame.

It's something I should have seen from the very start,
that she will always have your heart.
It isn't something I could ever win,
I tried, and I hoped, but it's something that could never have been.

So this is it,
I can't stay anymore.
I can't even bring myself to say goodbye,
so I'll turn around, and look back quickly before I close the door.

I'm scared to care
as everyone seems to just disappear.
They are there one second, promising to be around,
but when I need them, they never can be found.
When I start to fall,
sometimes a little too fast,
I find myself peering at my past.
I see that I've gotten hurt many times before,
turn around, I run for the door.
No more pain and no more tears,
as I've felt the pain for too many years.
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all,"
goes back in forth in my mind,
my body shakes, everything is in a bind.
For I don't know which move to make,
If you'll move your queen,
or if you'll check mate.
My tract record is very cluttered,
as I'm starting to run when my heart begins to flutter.
I can't tell if I'll be hurt again,
who knows how many more times my heart can bend.

As sunshine reenters into my heart,
and love warms my soul,
my mind fills with the thoughts of you.
Forgotten times of love and triumph,
I kind of forget how to feel,
Been numb for so long that the happiness must break down the thick walls I have built up.
But the pieces of the wall will not be crushed to rubble,
as they might be needed again.
They will be placed in a pile if things need to go back to the way they've been.
As the wall gets taken down slowly,
and the sun graces the unseen ground for the first time in a long time,
the ground begs for the sun to stay,
as it feels so good to be so warm.
For once.

A life with you seems so perfect to me,
I feel your arms around me and know it’s meant to be.
The smile that stretches across my face when you’re around
And the way you make my laugh sound.
A day with you is more than I could need,
But a lifetime with you sounds so amazing to me.
Whispering in your ear every single day,
Holding you when there is nothing left to say.
I would love to be there when life is more than you can handle,
I’ll be your warmth, your fire, the match to light your candle.
A world lays beneath my fingertips,
But it would not feel right without your name on my lips.
As I journey throughout life,
As I experience all its beauty,
All I can hope is that with you and I will be,
As a life without you is not one I want to see.

I’m hung up on a guy that is still in love with you,
Tell me how you did it so I can know what I should do.
Should I call him every night or should I forget about my phone?
Should I laugh at all his jokes or should I make him laugh alone?
You had him by a string, you lead him right along,
And now he’s afraid of me, afraid that I might be gone.
He doesn’t want to get too attached, because of what you have done to him,
So I play games with my heart because of you leaving on a whim.
I don’t know what to do with a boy that is hurt, as I dance around the feelings trying to not be short.
I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t really care, but I don’t want him to run when I start to get near.
He gave is all to you, he loved with all his heart,
And you crushed it, and maimed it and took it all for you,
And none is left for me, so tell me, what is it should I do?