I dont like it when people
Don't walk with a sense of emergency
When my mind keeps running.

I always smelled of lavender and smoke.
It used to linger on your sheets,
Driving you mad.
"I need you"
Id laugh and oblige,
Until the winter ended and
You didn't want my ice.
I bet I still haunt you in the spring,
When the air is sudenly rich with lavender and smoke.

Cannot find the words to say,
think I'll say something anyways.
Warm hands clasp around my waist,
white fluid doesn't go to waste.

Watching
losing
gaining
*******

I thought of something intelligent,
out of my mind is where it went.
Myself is growing at a rate most arrogant,
my hands are blistered thinking of the time I've spent

waiting
wanting
stroking
*******

”Just come home.”
Tears over a hospital phone
”I'll get sober, we'll get better together”
The year after that:
Polish. They're yelling about who owns me.
”Jest moj dziewczynka!”
spit flying, he grabs me by my hair
I'm bleeding,
He wreaks of pills.
*And now,
Family absolved
We're separated again by miles and states
Of wellness and
Addiction.
And for once, I'm okay.

It's like being in a warm vat of viscous fluid when you are here,
and like being in a hive of razor stinger bees with rabies when you are not.
Comfortable buzz of which no drug can muster.
You are better than opiates.
My face so bitter and coarse, glows like florescent tubing in a flaming wreck.
No tears,
no anger,
just magic.
Magic I can't ignore.
Magic I must conjure.
As sinful as Satan himself.
My bewitching *****.

How he'll never cut again
And how the light somehow seeks people out.
Makes them stronger.
Tastes not of alcohol,
Or sweat drenched nights
”this is ****.”
I turned off my laptop
And smoked another bowl in the dark.

Didn't it hurt?
I couldn't tell if he was concerned with the look of the steel in my face
Or the silver of my arms.
Either way, I gave the same answer.
I laughed
and blinked once
No, you did.