for the longest time I thought that maybe
I
could suffocate you
and
your demons ,
so that you could die
and live
but your parents refused
they said that you would have to be
shocked
and have water that they had to kneel on their knees to make holy
poured onto your face .
it's a little funny though ,
because I don't think anything could shock you more than I did
the night we both heard the
crackcrack
of your ribs as I told I didn't love you
as much
and that I have made you cry
more than twice ,
and your demons know how to swim
because of it .
I never saw you in the hospital ,
but I bet you looked beautiful ,
and vulnerable ,
and scared ,
and scarred ..
I regret it now , not visiting you
because at least you were feeling something there ....
and I would've liked to have seen that ;
I would have liked to see you live
as they watched you ,
and as you died .

Why, you silly *****,
I felt so sorry for you
That my pity changed from utter exhaustion to borderline hatred.
Oh you miserable fool,
You drained me in more ways than one,
And you were never around when it wasn't Jack Daniels and a TV remote.
Yes, you wretched *******,
The only thing I learned from you was how to hit,
And passively dance around my problems like they are just pesky ants.
*******, you oblivious *******.
You caused the scars and the attempts.
You drove nothing but vile thoughts of self hatred into my brain.
I can't be afraid of someone who is that pathetic.
I feel so sorry for you,
You ignorant *******.

Boy with the beautiful smile-
Sure, I loved sleep
But dreams couldn't compare
Not to talking to you until my mind screamed for rest
And the butterflies in my stomach settled

Boy with the amount of love to fill an ocean-
Everybody said we were 'perfect' together
And I always thought they just said that
But I believed it one day a couple weeks ago
When I saw you with her, your eyes were emotionless

Boy with crooked pinky-
Sometimes I intertwine my own fingers
Closing my eyes, losing myself in a daydream
Where your voice is more than an echo in my mind
And I even believe for a few seconds you're still here

Boy who called me angel-
I still write about you until my fingers ache
And still after that I keep writing
Because there's just some people you could write about forever
And darling, you're one of them.

Boy who listened to music with me-
I still listen to our song on rainy summer nights
As the sun goes down and my smiles turn to frowns
Sometimes (all the time) I wonder where you are?
How are you?

Boy who let me borrow his sweatshirt-
My favorite foods don't taste the same anymore
Not after the sparks of your tongue burnt my mouth
Not to mention, how you left my eyes lifeless
Foods don't even look appetizing anymore

Boy with the corny jokes and sayings-
Today I heard someone say your favorite phrase
It used to annoy me to no end
But this time I teared up because it was funny
And I was just to dumb to realize it then

Boy with the lovely blue eyes-
Your eyes haunt me whether I'm dreaming or not
And what haunts me more is the fact that
I may never see you again
While your off somewhere beautiful
Smiling and laughing with her

At least you are happy

(p.s. these are all
for, about, and to
you and always you
it will always be you.
I miss you so much.)