There's a fallen tree
67 degrees in angle
It rests on that arch.

Amongst these ruins
I feels safest of all.


No man or bad will
Can harm me here.

I am with nature.

And I don't know what to do.

I can't believe I wasted the stars on you.

I want to say I can't do it
But I can.
I know I can make it
I just wish I couldn't.
I wish it was too much
And I'd end it all.
Too healthy for my own good
Too unhealthy for the same.

I'd like to pretend that I'm not better
But I am.
I want to say things that demean myself
But I don't.
I'm better and that's that and I'm not depressed.

I can rely on myself and not others and
Be happy.
I can wake up and fall asleep regularly,
Refreshed.
I can say "Hey look at me or don't" and mean it.

I'm better.

Patience is a shadow.
It moves as the days go on,
Constantly shifting,
    Showering new cover on the world,
But with no shadows,
    No light shows through,
No sun can rise,
    If it is always risen.

-June 3rd 2013

Because You were everything to me.

"I love you."
"Thanks."
"I care about you."
"Thanks."
"I want to let you know I try my hardest not to hurt you but still keep us good."
"Thanks."*

Fine. Well enough alone, I see.

She said my name.
I stared. I stared and stared.
One tear. Another. Bawling, weeping.

My true love; contact.

            11-17-13

And so it will be,
The path halts,
The last apple falls.

Fortunately

I'm ready to quit trying.
I think I've hit the bottom.
I want to wither.
And sleep.
Fade into dust.

And that's okay.

Every time you say my name my heart skips,
Visible blushing on my cheeks,
Eyes get that much more happy,
Rinsing the dark patches in my heart,
You are worth any gem, any scar, any price,
Taking away the pain like you do so well,
Having the most wonderful eyes
In all of my clock’s sight.
Never say...
Goodbye.

You are my E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

-July 3rd 2013

I had a dream you were invisible
And we had ***.

It was a pleasant challenge, searching the air,
Seeing where
I could find you.

There's a reason I like girls who look like you.

I never told you that I loved you.

These feelings in my head were so exciting
The sparkles on her cheek were so shiny
And everything was right
And **** I'm whining.

I knew I would catch her shying
But God I wanted to keep trying

To feel my heart pump- no lying
Was nostalgic and brightening

And I want to make her smile and laugh
And pay for her vegan sandwiches
And stare into campfires with her
Drinking stolen *****.

Deconstruct the patriarchy and stand together at protests and fight corporations from the inside.

And now I want to cry.

Painting walls with my blood,
From wrist and cranium.
Dark red or pink. Decide.
Artery or vein.
Sedate this monster, or bleed it from me slowly.
Silver stakes into my brain,
Burn every piece of me,
Put me down, restrain me,
I'm going to ruin this world.
I will be the monster.
I will tear down these walls,
Burn the town, **** the ******.
I will be your nightmare.
I'm more than my surface.
Hands reaching from under, I will drown you
You will hear your name screamed through the dense water,
You will see air flush from my lungs as it drains from yours
I am banshee,
I am mire.

I am soot,
I will build up and ignite,
I am lighter fluid and gasoline,
I will scorch this Earth,
Torching trees and deer and squirrels.
I will **** every soul on the surface.
I with bring ash into your eyes,
Blind you and starve you.

I am pain.
I am the wheels of this truck,
Making good creatures into roadkill,
Deleting God's work,
Carcass for magpies to eat.
I will **** this Earth.

I am banshee,
I am iceberg.

I flip it off.

Why did we fall in love?

The little man who lost it
Still wanders
Like he did the day
She left.
Nothing changes
We're all still sand
In the hourglass.
The little grain of dust
Still falls back and forth
Like he will
*Forever.

Why do I sit and stress over these simple things I know,
Every day that passes just brings us that much closer,
It will happen, that I’m sure,
And we will have that moment I long for,
No structure can restrict it, no rule constrict it,
If you keep breathing, I’ll keep believing, and it will come,
If you keep staying, I’ll keep praying, and it will come,
Were we supposed to live this way, or will it please go away,

I can’t look at the night sky and not long for you,
I can see the formation of flowers and not see you,
I need you,

It was the first time it’s been like this and everything was fine,
It was the first time I’ve felt like this and I feel so fine,
It was the first time you looked like that, you are so fine,
It was the first time I took this chance, it feels so fine,

And every time I look up at night, I see your face,
And every time I sleep at night, I feel you with me,
And every time I open my eyes, I long for yours,
And every time I feel this way, I want you with me.

-June 21st 2013

"Hamlet with Benedict Cumberbatch. Very good. Thank you Marshall."

My heart pounds.
I repeat these lines
I smile
I hear her voice.

I hear her voice.

Knuckles white, steering the road to nowhere
Decidedly driving
To coffee.
Cruising familiar veins of an old city,
E-brake fishtailing every corner
He smiles.
He smiles and laughs like God herself is watching
Bobbing his head and dancing to his CDs
Alone on these streets.

I would trade it all to again feel this bliss.
Seventeen years old, king of his world,
Filling the void left by mental despair
And a wronged childhood
With women and night drives.
Ignorantly answering all of life's questions
So content with his child philosophies
And childish love,
And childish kisses,
And childish regrets.
Romanticizing the thoughts his dragons gave him,
Turning the scars on his arm into the rungs of a ladder,
Climbing up and past them,
Leaping the fences of mania,
And free falling into his insanities.

He was the king of his world,
Seventeen.

I remember three things the most.

Of the first, her eyes,
Of the second, her hair,
Of the third, her smile.

Let’s see what’s next.

And my love has not faded
*In the least.

I want to stop.

Would someone care to classify
A cadaver six feet below.
What if he arose
In the form of a ghost.
Is he a man
Is he a monster.
Is he in the gray which not men nor monsters touch.

Does he have a home
One not so cold.
Could he ever love,
Could he ever trust
Another.

Is he cold,
Or is he warm.
Do you measure that in degrees
Or personality.

Would someone care to measure
His heart.

And I became the monster.
I became the thing they feared whilst they slept.
I became the thing they tell stories of.
I became legend.

Because it is better to have loved and died
Than to have died without it.

Of this, I firmly believe.

Falling asleep to your face a thousand miles away,
The only greater I could pray
    Is to have your face
    For more than just a day.

Today I'm thankful
For those who pushed me
Those who provoked me
Those who forced me
To write.

It's because my head is messed up.

“Jesus Christ that’s a pretty face,”*

You read my mind.

I've described myself as
A conglomerate of hands and arms
Reaching out and grabbing
At everything within reach.
Constantly reaching and searching for more,
For the answer
For comfort or love or knowledge,
Or any abuse to make me forget about
This ****** up world and my ****** up psyche.
Hands, grabbing, reaching
Never being grasped.

If I could do it all again,

I would still die by her,
But I would live and love you.

A cycle of

Egg
Larvae
Pupae
Moth.

To the flame and then again.

It’s funny how the poles of love and hate can be so easily flipped,

Like turning an hourglass,
The store of sand will flow equally backwards,
Like going up the hill is slower than down,
    And so quickly you can go below,
Like how fun playing in water can be,
    Until you start to drown,

It’s funny how the best and worst emotions
Come and go
Hand in hand.

He loves concrete
And gray.

The desert,
His morning
Not her.

And through himself she cannot find one string on which to suspend a thought,
A speck of emotion, not one fiber optic of data relayed.

Hermit.

You rip my heart out when you say his name,
When I see your dreams and there is no mirror,
When I know you tremble,
    And I can’t hold you,
When I know I need you,
    And you I,
        But you don’t let me in,
I’m curious,
    How will you make those amends.

-April 8th 2013

His name was Three,
His childhood free,
But he fell out of a tree,

Now he sits all day,
His parents always pray,
And he doesn't say,

"I will stand tall,
I will not fall,
It will be like, I never did at all."

"K"

Does that K stand for ****?
Is this your attempt to bleed me?

Cause it's working.

I get to use my Z key.
Quite a rare site to see.
A tap and a tick in the bottom left hand corner of my keyboard.
I like it.
This tapping and ticking.

Two embers,
One flame.
Together we burn away.

They say no atheists​ in foxholes.

Drag
Drag
Drag my feet though- this peat
Mire.
Dy-ing.
Smog, sogging my feet
Smogging my teeth
Pull this sand through teeth
TV static my scene,
Pull this trash through teeth
Sand and smog what I see.

Lifeless train in my keep
Breaking ribs in my breathe
Grit in my feet,
Clay in my bleed.

Stay. Just stay, big fish.
Let my nets catch you,
Stop slipping
Stop slipping away,
Clay on the beach.

Mire.
Desire too far to be
God within my reach.

Big fish break my nets,
They swim away
They find better place
They find better day.

Big fish, my foxhole
No atheist.
I pray my God,
My Gaia
My goal.
I'm Christian in this hole.
Please
Stay in my sea.

Big fish crave bigger seas
Bjigger than I can please
I'm seething
Seethe.
TV, static, see my sand
Stand on my beach.

My clay won't bog you,
I'll God you,
Altars flaunt you.
I'll exaggerate
If it makes big fish stay.
Or make gray if it
Hears you say "you may."

Carry this sand on my back
Run this far track,
Soak up colors attract
No great attack.

Anything, big fish.
Stay in my scene.

Remember that conversation we had about you being there for me,
Always
Willing to drive me to the hospital
Or nurse me when I'm sick?

I could have used you last night.

Prometheus bound
Covering ground with his boulder
Up, then down. Then up.

This Prometheus has had enough of this
His arms begin to crumble, sand.
The boulder he's bound
Reverses ground
And kills him.

Can't push this rock forever.

Got this stamp wrapped on me like a tattoo
At this point no zoo and can hold me back
No place is safe from the length of my street
I'm the cloud raining 2C-B,
Spend most of the time in the sheet
On my on days I'm spreading love and chemical treats
Better pray and pray I dont get you hooked on the good
This drugs not used to the hood
New to being the king of this B
But I'm King Bee none the less
Nexus doesn't **** with us
Even when we ***** this stuff
Eyes wide like we're ****** up
Dutch Champaign got me shut up
Only hoping they don't lock me up
Got the feds on me like flies
Avoiding contact with my eyes
Lying through my teeth
Know I'm goin' to go flying soon
All 'cause of this good, jeeze.
Gonna go flying soon.
Gonna go flying soon
Can't stay in this hood.

Like a warm coat on a deep winter day,
You kept me warm,
    Tickled my skin,
And made me smile.

There’s a reason I chose you,
        I’m so glad I didn’t forget it.

When I am dead,
It's only because I lived.