So gouge out my eyes and call me blind,
Paint my eyes black and call my words flat,

I am the captain of my life!
I am the ocean and the tide,
I am the boat beneath my feet,
So come sail with me,
        Sail this sea.

So grind down my fingers and tell me
          to climb!
I will fly so far away from your lies,
          No time.

Don’t tell me that life is black and white,
Cause I’ve see the reds and blues so bright,
Don’t tell me I have to stay here,
‘Cause there’s so much I fear,
        Come with me dear.

I am the master of my soul,
I fly my colors whole,
I am not afraid to see what’s next,
The future is so complex,
    But your eyes are still my objects
                    of desire.


-August 23rd 2013

You reach a point where you dream of something so much,
One day you awake and it's there.
Right in front of you.
And it smiles and kisses you goodnight.

And I don't know what to do.

I just want to enjoy the comfort and ecstasy of a woman again.
This is all!
I want to make out, and feel and roll around.
To feel a tongue moving around.
To kiss a neck so gently she collapses.
This is what I want.

And my love has not faded
*In the least.

Shells I see in all of you
Shells on the outside too,
Flesh prison I've heard it called
I'm sure to you this isn't new,

The image of us is too simple,
These cages trap our earthly being
Much like the fence around a temple
There's sometimes more than what you're seeing.

But I don't see much anymore,
Not inside or out.
My *** drive is long past dead,
And much of my hope has gone south

I don't think that we are more
Than what we appear to be,
The furthest edges of our actions
Are an embodiment of our personality,

People are and always have been
Little more than animals,
We have a human drive in us
But we don't know how to handle it,

We **** and hate and **** and steal
And do all that we can,
It is within the bounds of life
To take everything in hand.

I'm sick and tired of trying.
I fought so hard for you.
This country, our world,
My brothers and sisters
I abandon the whole lot of you.

I'm leaving, mentally,
Emotionally,
And soon, physically.
You are not worth my time.

I will visit the lands of old
and make clear the separated line.
"I'm here, not there, don't beg for me
You wasted your only chance.
Everything you know and love
Will succumb to ignorance's dance."

Things around here are not better,
Nor will they ever be.
Goodbye, I'm gone, I've done my time
Try not to miss me when I leave.

Today I'm thankful
For those who pushed me
Those who provoked me
Those who forced me
To write.

Beautiful brown eyes,
Beautiful brown hair,
Beautiful smile to match.

Beautiful pink lips,
Beautiful singing voice,
Beautiful soul to match.

Painting walls with my blood,
From wrist and cranium.
Dark red or pink. Decide.
Artery or vein.
Sedate this monster, or bleed it from me slowly.
Silver stakes into my brain,
Burn every piece of me,
Put me down, restrain me,
I'm going to ruin this world.
I will be the monster.
I will tear down these walls,
Burn the town, **** the ******.
I will be your nightmare.
I'm more than my surface.
Hands reaching from under, I will drown you
You will hear your name screamed through the dense water,
You will see air flush from my lungs as it drains from yours
I am banshee,
I am mire.

I am soot,
I will build up and ignite,
I am lighter fluid and gasoline,
I will scorch this Earth,
Torching trees and deer and squirrels.
I will **** every soul on the surface.
I with bring ash into your eyes,
Blind you and starve you.

I am pain.
I am the wheels of this truck,
Making good creatures into roadkill,
Deleting God's work,
Carcass for magpies to eat.
I will **** this Earth.

I am banshee,
I am iceberg.

Because You were everything to me.

There's a reason I like girls who look like you.

A cycle of

Egg
Larvae
Pupae
Moth.

To the flame and then again.

I can't believe I wasted the stars on you.

You are the rising sun,
You are the lighthouse during the storm,
You are the fire I follow,
You are the one I call home,

You dry my rain,
You take away the pain.
Please, take away the pain.

There's a fallen tree
67 degrees in angle
It rests on that arch.

Amongst these ruins
I feels safest of all.


No man or bad will
Can harm me here.

I am with nature.

So glad I can always escape to my dreams
Away from these people and away from these things,
Somewhere safer, unimaginable,
Somewhere where my cup isn't always full
     But at least it's happy.

I can get what I want from waking life,
By exploring my sleeping life,
The only problem is when I wake
I've kind of got a choice to make,
Is it better to live or better to let it pass,
     To sedate myself and live euphorias
     Or wake every day to the heartbreak, turmoil and inhumanities of the waking world.

I guess we'll see.

He loves concrete
And gray.

The desert,
His morning
Not her.

And through himself she cannot find one string on which to suspend a thought,
A speck of emotion, not one fiber optic of data relayed.

Hermit.

Every time you say my name my heart skips,
Visible blushing on my cheeks,
Eyes get that much more happy,
Rinsing the dark patches in my heart,
You are worth any gem, any scar, any price,
Taking away the pain like you do so well,
Having the most wonderful eyes
In all of my clock’s sight.
Never say...
Goodbye.

You are my E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

-July 3rd 2013

They say no atheists​ in foxholes.

Drag
Drag
Drag my feet though- this peat
Mire.
Dy-ing.
Smog, sogging my feet
Smogging my teeth
Pull this sand through teeth
TV static my scene,
Pull this trash through teeth
Sand and smog what I see.

Lifeless train in my keep
Breaking ribs in my breathe
Grit in my feet,
Clay in my bleed.

Stay. Just stay, big fish.
Let my nets catch you,
Stop slipping
Stop slipping away,
Clay on the beach.

Mire.
Desire too far to be
God within my reach.

Big fish break my nets,
They swim away
They find better place
They find better day.

Big fish, my foxhole
No atheist.
I pray my God,
My Gaia
My goal.
I'm Christian in this hole.
Please
Stay in my sea.

Big fish crave bigger seas
Bjigger than I can please
I'm seething
Seethe.
TV, static, see my sand
Stand on my beach.

My clay won't bog you,
I'll God you,
Altars flaunt you.
I'll exaggerate
If it makes big fish stay.
Or make gray if it
Hears you say "you may."

Carry this sand on my back
Run this far track,
Soak up colors attract
No great attack.

Anything, big fish.
Stay in my scene.

I never told you that I loved you.

Would someone care to classify
A cadaver six feet below.
What if he arose
In the form of a ghost.
Is he a man
Is he a monster.
Is he in the gray which not men nor monsters touch.

Does he have a home
One not so cold.
Could he ever love,
Could he ever trust
Another.

Is he cold,
Or is he warm.
Do you measure that in degrees
Or personality.

Would someone care to measure
His heart.

These feelings in my head were so exciting
The sparkles on her cheek were so shiny
And everything was right
And **** I'm whining.

I knew I would catch her shying
But God I wanted to keep trying

To feel my heart pump- no lying
Was nostalgic and brightening

And I want to make her smile and laugh
And pay for her vegan sandwiches
And stare into campfires with her
Drinking stolen *****.

Deconstruct the patriarchy and stand together at protests and fight corporations from the inside.

And now I want to cry.

I'd like to pretend that I'm not better
But I am.
I want to say things that demean myself
But I don't.
I'm better and that's that and I'm not depressed.

I can rely on myself and not others and
Be happy.
I can wake up and fall asleep regularly,
Refreshed.
I can say "Hey look at me or don't" and mean it.

I'm better.

Remember that conversation we had about you being there for me,
Always
Willing to drive me to the hospital
Or nurse me when I'm sick?

I could have used you last night.

Fortunately

The army gathered,
Horde of rotting lepers
Severed limbs,
Of snatched hearts
And missing gray,
Skulls opened by time;
Decay.

The gates they charge,
Making more of their own.

Always more dead,
Always more melted brain
And dark, dry hearts.

Strength in numbers,
Defining morality,
Defining normality.

These normal
Zombies
Gather.

These normal
People
Gather.

And so it will be,
The path halts,
The last apple falls.

I flip it off.

Why did we fall in love?

I'm ready to quit trying.
I think I've hit the bottom.
I want to wither.
And sleep.
Fade into dust.

She said my name.
I stared. I stared and stared.
One tear. Another. Bawling, weeping.

My true love; contact.

            11-17-13

Why do I sit and stress over these simple things I know,
Every day that passes just brings us that much closer,
It will happen, that I’m sure,
And we will have that moment I long for,
No structure can restrict it, no rule constrict it,
If you keep breathing, I’ll keep believing, and it will come,
If you keep staying, I’ll keep praying, and it will come,
Were we supposed to live this way, or will it please go away,

I can’t look at the night sky and not long for you,
I can see the formation of flowers and not see you,
I need you,

It was the first time it’s been like this and everything was fine,
It was the first time I’ve felt like this and I feel so fine,
It was the first time you looked like that, you are so fine,
It was the first time I took this chance, it feels so fine,

And every time I look up at night, I see your face,
And every time I sleep at night, I feel you with me,
And every time I open my eyes, I long for yours,
And every time I feel this way, I want you with me.

-June 21st 2013

"I love you."
"Thanks."
"I care about you."
"Thanks."
"I want to let you know I try my hardest not to hurt you but still keep us good."
"Thanks."*

Fine. Well enough alone, I see.

Patience is a shadow.
It moves as the days go on,
Constantly shifting,
    Showering new cover on the world,
But with no shadows,
    No light shows through,
No sun can rise,
    If it is always risen.

-June 3rd 2013

I had a dream you were invisible
And we had ***.

It was a pleasant challenge, searching the air,
Seeing where
I could find you.

Got this stamp wrapped on me like a tattoo
At this point no zoo and can hold me back
No place is safe from the length of my street
I'm the cloud raining 2C-B,
Spend most of the time in the sheet
On my on days I'm spreading love and chemical treats
Better pray and pray I dont get you hooked on the good
This drugs not used to the hood
New to being the king of this B
But I'm King Bee none the less
Nexus doesn't **** with us
Even when we ***** this stuff
Eyes wide like we're ****** up
Dutch Champaign got me shut up
Only hoping they don't lock me up
Got the feds on me like flies
Avoiding contact with my eyes
Lying through my teeth
Know I'm goin' to go flying soon
All 'cause of this good, jeeze.
Gonna go flying soon.
Gonna go flying soon
Can't stay in this hood.

And I became the monster.
I became the thing they feared whilst they slept.
I became the thing they tell stories of.
I became legend.

Prometheus bound
Covering ground with his boulder
Up, then down. Then up.

This Prometheus has had enough of this
His arms begin to crumble, sand.
The boulder he's bound
Reverses ground
And kills him.

Can't push this rock forever.

These back country roads highlight the presence of nothingness.
Pushing through murky thoughts of
Inexistence, burning the smoke of loneliness and impotence.
Alone with myself.

In my head
I say the right things and land on the beat and the synonyms all rhyme.
In my head
I impress them all just enough to earn myself a picture on the wall.
In my head
I pursue with intent, gain interest follow through and succeed in gaining attention.
In my head
I don't just stare at her lips
                                                 *I feel them.

The little man who lost it
Still wanders
Like he did the day
She left.
Nothing changes
We're all still sand
In the hourglass.
The little grain of dust
Still falls back and forth
Like he will
*Forever.

"I love you Marshall. Goodnight."

If I could do it all again,

I would still die by her,
But I would live and love you.

Two embers,
One flame.
Together we burn away.

Because it is better to have loved and died
Than to have died without it.

Of this, I firmly believe.

The corner store says she smells like
"Pine tree" scented candle,
But to me she smells like
A decent bet,
And a couple skipped heart beats.

Every day
This sun rises
And shines light upon our mistakes.
Conglomerate of neat and nasty people.
Hydrogen doesn't care.

I remember three things the most.

Of the first, her eyes,
Of the second, her hair,
Of the third, her smile.

Let’s see what’s next.

5w

"I almost said something-
"But I won't-
"Bye."
And I closed the door.
And smiled.
"She's not supposed to know, Marshall.-

Apples
And
Cigarettes

Go so well together.
The fruit of death
And the sower of it.