He's always there for me,
This golden Sun.

Warming my skin
My car,
My air,
My spray cans,
Forcing butane out of my lighter.

He always gives me more.
Growing my plants,
Helping my body process calcium
Through vitamin D.

He gives selflessly.
It's all He knows.

Save yourself
Then come for me.

Sometimes we hold on too tight,
When it starts to slip,
We bleed.

Open my vein for these masses
Cover and shower them with my red blood
They love it.
They love my pain.

Hundreds of cheering faces,
Jumping and yelling and dancing and hugging,
Drenched in my blood.
Lambs to the slaughter
Romans to the coliseum,
Gladiators and lions and sand and blood.

Always more blood.
Suckers for more blood.

Chemical escapes
Only escapes.
Mind space
Head space
Space out for a while, hours
Days.

There's something surreal about seeing the reflection of yourself snort *******.
I didn't like it.
I saw my eyes and I looked at myself.
Why are you doing this.
What lead you here.
Is this what you want?

****, I don't know what I want.
I want to be okay, whatever form that takes
*******, marijuana, 2C-B, diphenhydramine
It's all the same to me.

God, please God just fry my brain
Make catatonic this once glowing man
Take away my fire,
***** me.
Soil this once golden visage.

**** me inside so I don't **** the outside.
I pulled my rifle out today.
And admired it's absolute, cold, resolution.
A complexion of death engraved in it's blued steel.
A full metal jacket to wrap around my thoughts,
Keep me warm for the rest of my life.

I pulled this knife into my skin again
And watched drops of blood ooze from my shell.
My shell.
Shell.
Empty shell.

Sleep forever,
Shell or no shell,
I want to sleep until I'm better.
Or she is.

I feel guilt.
This isn't her responsibility,
This is mine.
She's dealing with her own ****
I have to deal with mine
But- GOD I think we can deal better
Together.

I'm sick of abusing drugs to escape
And I'm sick of sleeping
And I'm sick of hurting
And thinking of my death,
God, PRAYING for it while I sleep.

Get better Marshall.
Get well soon.
Just will yourself out.

Like I can do that.

It's chemical, these problems.
Some molecules in my brain fill some holes
And I feel better.
And I make better art and I smile and laugh.
God I want to smile and laugh.

I will Faust my soul away
If it brings more sunny days.
I will Faust my will away
If it makes you stay.

God, come back to me.

Caught in a hurricane.
My skin is freezing beyond the point of goosebumps,
I'm letting go-
Holding on and you're letting go
Let me go.

Fingers slipping
Frozen
Wet.
My grasp weakens, you're breaking away.
Maelstrom to my harbor.

I can't breathe,
Every gasp I take is water,
Drowning every time.
My air is gone.

Blacked out sun.
It's like night
But not as beautiful.
This is a swamp of pain
I can't let go.

I will sail
Torn flags, I will sail
By God I will sail.
Maelstrom, hurricane, thunderstorm,
I will hold on.

She still makes my heart skip
Every time she smiles.
I will fight for that smile.
Wait it out.