Found an outlet
where I can
SCREAM
eloquently, passionately
POETRY

I bleed and heal
through
the vein of my pen

Caring Nurturing Angels
does not get full credit or respect
working hard to care for the sick, old and dying
bonding with ailing people they see on a daily spect

Looking from within this Sphere
it's such a different world
most have lived their lives to the fullest
others here by fate that turned

Needing us not only for caring
but for daily affirmations of a life still dear

Humbling those who care
even though it's tough hard labor
enduring agony, pain and fears

We smile, when they look in our eyes
being able to thank us, squeeze our hands or swear
pulling at your heart strings
we hold them close and near

Going home tired as hell
glad the shift has ended
only to return again

Dreaming, is Key
Wishing, planning, becoming
Hard to figure out
Carving your way
In a world of vast array

Try a few things
Learn, grow, fail ...
Fall along the way
get up; go again

Glad the idea of Poetry was presented
even though no thought was there
Just this bottled up fear

Now the ink is flowing
feelings, thoughts a pouring
running wild with glee

Stumbling fast, to be set asunder -
Burning up paper !

Brain Screaming !
Eyes shinning
Fingers working
to pen these wonders that were there

Waiting to be set free

Be still ...
Look
Listen ...
Inhale -
Our world, is truly a beautiful place

Fresh air, water, sunlight, lush vegetation,
people, birds, animals, mountains, rivers,
the sea -

Magnificent !
WOW -
Beautiful...
Planet Earth

This is not meant to offend
No one has to respond

This is my silent wish

I have a -
DAD
BROTHER
FRIEND
UNCLE
SON

This is my platform
to tell the Universe

ALL LIVES MATTER

Geez,
I'm so bored ...
Leading a very busy life
Working a job that's physically demanding
Four days a week
Returned to school,  to create a path to a new Destiny
School is filled with books, research and homework
Four days a week
Yet, I'm so bored ...
Keeping up with the demands of work and school
Home life is quiet, not much to do
So,I relax
Guessing with a friend to talk to and play,  my boredom would go away

It's a natural phenomenon
That all or most of us girls, whether
you have big ones or you're from the iddy biddy ***** committee -
Have confidence issues
About the size of them bras

We grow up looking at all the beauty and perfection in the magazines
Those shiny,  glossy pages of materialistic vanity

Thinking ...
I wish that was me !

Beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder
Yet, we shrivel up with fear when
It's time to be with another

Thinking they're wishing the size
of them bras was BIG
As a ripe yellow Cantaloupe! :)
You lose your confidence even if
It's not true

Our men can't help themselves
Cheating roaming eyes, as they scan those surgically implanted
Plastic fantasies
Rise and heave !

Forgetting what a real woman looks like
They fall for the ones with a huge
Chest on the outer crest

They're glorious! !
But underneath -
They have confidence issues too
That's why the knife was their
Best bet

Jrap/2016

I don't copy write
It's mine
Original write
right ?
Copyright

Sick in the head
Numb in the heart
Blind in one eye
Limp in the arms
Weak in the knees
Stone cold in the stomach

The world, as you perceive it
turns topsy turvie
only you can see it
NO one can feel it

Others think you are crazy
NO ONE knows the pain -
unless they experience it

Clouds are always grey
Days are blue
Rain, becomes you...

Wow...
Where does one begin?
until it hits out of nowhere ---
Life is good, even though not perfect
Looking up, yet sinking; spiraling into mud

Dragged under; hard to breathe;
unable to see; cannot hear;
don't want to live

The heart grows weary
can't eat; sleep eludes
How do you keep?

Knowing it's not what you want
struggling to overcome
the pull so Strong
How to withstand?

Blurred visions,
voices in your head
losing your job
the sun is dead

Finally, if one is strong --
saying to one-self
"I'm too far gone "
making an effort to climb out of that mess

Fighting those demons to regain success

Coming up for air
you breathe,
deep and exhale
smells of relief in the air

It feels good, to look up
stare, open your eyes,
your mind, your ear

Drag yourself up,
out of that hole
the one that swallowed you whole ...

Feel the warmth flow over you
encircling your soul
It was such a Drag -
to be beaten down - to a mole

Fight hard, fight long
listen to your head
as your heart pulls you instead

Which man or woman hasn't been dumped
like a pile of garbage in a slump

It comes as a surprise; but, if we are honest -
we saw it coming, - just that -
with anything in life -
Denial rushes in ! - Full Force! -
to block the tunnel ("vision")

Hurt, bruised, mouth agape with speech-less fright
I'm loosing my soul-mate !
Oh my, what a night

Years were spent building this Fort
of love, trust, tears of delight

Then; as you look on...
the walls of your Fort come tumbling down!

Crying, mourning, bent, broken, your ears are ringing
with the sounds of those words you dread hearing!

"Babes, I'm moving on; It's not you; It's me;
You a good person - BUT " !

In tears of turmoil and inner rage
hanging on to your dignity becomes a chore

You pick your lips up off the floor
brace your feet
dry your tears -
cry no more

Accept their denial of your hard, founding love
Open the door - let them go ...
grieve, loose confidence, get depressed -

Because you loved them so ...

It evolved at birth. Dad was ever absent. Got married,
the husband was ever absent.
Developed a new relation, he was there for a few years.
Great years - because he was there.

I discovered love. It was beautiful. I loved love.
Several years into it, he decided to explore his other options.
I was hurt, depressed

Healed, I moved on. Thought I would be lucky with the next.
It went on for a few years; not bad.
Then, on cue, he wanted to move on too.

Hell, don't know what it is. Unable to keep love.

Most of us girls have the same problem, we find these guys -
down on their luck. We buy them things, clothes, cars, food.
Let them move in. Wash, cook, clean, give them cookies
and whatever they need - yet, they don't care about you.

We work harder to give. All we need is just to know they are there
for us, to hold us, a shoulder, a warm body in bed.

All I want to know is what the hell they want from us -
so i can keep the love instead.

You have to have faith.
Believing in something greater than you -
greater than man.

Getting up time after time if things are going wrong -
you have to quit and with blind faith,
know it's going to be alright

Carve your own destiny. The choices are yours to make
It makes you sick to the stomach,
after you leap into the unknown.

You hold on strong and pray and keep moving on
with Iron will
It has to go right ...

God didn't lead you to wrong
It takes a while, but in the end...

Ah... You breathe -
It's even better than when you first began.

Born into a family or faith dumped you into quick-sand ... ?
No choice was given - you have to with-stand

Trying to fit in, yet no-one, tries to reach out
or lend a hand
all for themselves, they keep

Thinking when, you need a friend
the family, would be them
It hurts, but it's true
That's no, no, to you

They will step over you, filled with hate
the concept of faith
leads you to think...
wow, how and why,
this is them

You try and try, to exist with this
reaching out to reconcile
but, it always happens to backfire

Finally, you can't anymore, so...
you close that door

Struggling
To stay afloat
Amongst all the bills, needs
And wants of the family

Juggling
Two, three jobs
Still not enough
As the pays *****

Haggling
At the shops
Wal-Mart and gas

Wandering
If I will be called
For any interviews had

Borrowing
Cash like mad
To keep above
LORD !

Hope floats
As tax season draws near
Only to cover my tracks
And start this vicious
Life_cycle back

Moving forward, is pure determination
Letting go of years of baggage
shedding layers of skin, that has hardened
Letting go of words of rejection, thrown your way

Rising up out of the ashes of guilt, depression,
self-doubt
Giving of yourself; yet, trying to hold on
Self-therapy is hard
It's a long process, with healing abilities

Confidence is not easily attainable
when you get it - work hard to keep it
let no one, hijack your inner-self

Move forward and be proud
Selfish people will try to break you down
rob you of your self-worth

They are jealous, not wanting you to succeed
so much potential in them, yet,
they are too lazy to try or be led to greatness

Open your eyes; use your head
don't listen to your heart,
but that sixth sense that whispers in your ear ...

Move forward and DARE !

Long ago ...
before computers,
the advent of texting -
It was so much more easier
to meet a friend

Eyes would lock
a smile emerged, to touch the lips and heart

Lips gently curl
feel good senses
spread along the lines of veins

Talks ensued
connections locked
Friendships mapped
that lasts the end of days

and I know he'll be the choice for me, at least I'll  have a life
and he'll always get the best of me, the worst will never come
but at least I'll be beautiful and stay forever blessed
this i know, this i know

God told me, Don't worry bout nothing
God told me, Don't worry no more
we both know he cares for me insanely
he told me I'll never be alone oh - oh

I repent my sins when I'm with him
I love it, I love it
I repent my sins when I'm with him
I  love it, I love it

I know he'll be the life of me, at least I'll be saved
and he'll always get the best of me, the worst will never come
all the misery was necessary, when you're deep in love with God
I know, yes I know, Yeah I know

Happy Holidays to all !

Life, has always been a struggle
Getting up each day, choosing to smile and pray
Thank God! for another day; for loving us; helping us;
washing your blood over us; protecting our minds, bodies and souls

This journey has been tough. Nothing, handed down or given.
Having to work so hard; cry; fight. Family doesn't even care
about your well-being.

Unlucky, when it comes to love, between a man and a woman.

Still, you fight.

Striving to be a confident, strong you. Pushing oneself;
trying new things. Not afraid to relocate if stagnation sets in.
Re-inventing oneself, whenever it's time to move onward

It's a life-long reflecting ride. Keep reminding oneself, that
through these trials and tribulations, there are others who
might be having an even tougher time coping -
going through similar events

Always thinking and knowing "you have to be strong" -
you, can do it.
Hoping to set great examples for our sons and daughters

I'm a resilience; quiet; beautiful soul-

I am, a black girl that "ROCKS"

Trusting, innocent heart
trying to see the best in one

Makes you feel that all is good
until you turn your back or head

Trash erupts...

Through the multiple plains of life,
my ink flows freely

Poetry is Song ...
just without the musical sounds
of Beat .

Love comes in different shapes and forms
smells and looks
It hits slow
creeps up on you
like a fish-hook

It's good, great
Like a piece of cake
double yummy chocolate chip plate !

Life is good with love in your path ...
your steps are lite
the world is bright
stars are huge, like your heart

It makes your spirits soar
your laughter roar
smiles are wide
the world is bright

Best feelings in the universe
if you can hold and harvest its worth

This empty feeling haunts you
nags at your thoughts ...
You shake it off; trying to dismiss it
Nah - can't be true

It persists
You see it in the eyes ...
That window to their soul
You feel it, taste it

Then, you wonder,
How did this happen?

Drifting apart but unable to stop the waves
you bob and float
with emotions too deep to be saved

Confiding in a friend, the fears and tears come undone
You can see their look of concern
they know it's done

Where did one go wrong?
Even though, deep down we know it has
It hurts the heart,
You search the soul
Finding nothing that can console

I sit; Close my eyes.
Looking into myself
In-hailing, ex-hailing, calming my mind and body
Thoughts undulate,
taking me near and far

Seeing into the past, theorizing the future
the present here is strong

Getting in tune with one's inner-self
Listening, to its song
Silent tears in my head, all the fears abound

It's nice, to take some time
Slow down, unwind

Feel the strength of God

Thousands of us were displaced
Started careers late
Not lucky enough to have had great jobs

So we work hard
Put ourselves through night school
While taking care of family

Finally ...
Yes, yeah,  whoopee
Did it !
Once again completed school

Another certificate added to the growing list of achievements.
More bills owed to uncle Sam

Going on numerous job interviews
No one's responding
Instead ...
All this knowledge stored in your head

Current jobs pays minimum wages
Those colleges attended; mounting

When you try to get ahead  -
They hold on to their employments
As if,
It's Rocket science

Looking for younger, greener admits

Once AARP comes a knocking on
Your door
You know they don't want your
Expertise anymore

What's one to do
Still strong, healthy, seasoned
Educated, no strings to boot

Hopelessly stuck in a world of
"We will call you "

So at the tender age of fifty
Thoughts of starting your own business floats in your head

Right
Now, back to school
For another certificate
A chance to use that knowledge
Put bread on the table
Feel useful

Quality of life renewed.

JRap /2016

My Black is:
Quiet, Strong, Independent,
Loving. Too nice.

My Black is
Beautiful...

This is a new way of thinking
To try and calm my soul
My mind ...
The great world of Poetry
I will try and as my pen flies
Over this blank canvas
So shall my heart and soul

Girl ...
I'm so tired of shedding tears -
starting to feel like a hairless cat
Don't know why God made us females so sensitive

We're like ice-cream
sweet, soft, smooth, delicious
taking whatever shape you impress upon us

It ***** ...

When I think I'm over it -
just the merest look or a suggestive hook
throws me right back in a nook

It belies the fact that I'm strong !
Independent, a mind of my own
a leader
Except, - If you look closer
a heart that's made of gold -
which melts at his look or touch
even though, I know
he's going to hurt me so much

I cry - tears of fear
Trouble don't last always
when this has come to past
I will be okay
looking for love again at last

The day will be bright
I'll be coaching my girlfriends on men
having no more tears of my own -
I'll be training her to stand up alone

Engine died
The car is in the shop
It's been a week, still not fixed -
cannot afford a payment, so have to wait

Meantime, driving my brother's twenty-two year old antique -
a collectible - Nissan Sentra

Over forty miles an hour it starts to shake
and grumble under the strain,
so we go according to how it feels on
a given day

It's like driving a stick shift -
deep concentration, manual thrusts.
Hope no rain; sunroof leaks -
have to wear my rain gear

So quiet, yet so LOUD -
no radio ...
The sounds of the moving machine
keeps me wide awake, alert.
I can hear it squeak and groan.
Feel every pebble and crack on the pavement

No complaints - it's reliable, durable
Takes me where I need to go

Built of real steel -
very old - reliable

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN !!!
No more Pain !
Don't want to go there.
Wished not to experience it
Can't get away!

It's a part of life that is deeply entwined
in our own existence. It will make or break you

Are you strong enough, Bad enough,
to endure Pain ?

Dealt with this evil feeling for a long-time.
Eating into my skin, seeping into my brain.
Fighting to regain.

There has been times when it stops me dead
in my tracks. I have to control the attacks

I cry, I hate, I debate...
Struggling, I stand strong
my heart grows weak; I reason with God

In the end, Pain takes its toll. I wither; I hide
The outside world sees my smile
even though my eyes are dull, and
my laugh, is full of Pain.

Free your mind
fill your eyes and ears
with poetic flows on paper

Let it be music
to your soul
sing silently to its tunes

Float, weightless
as if bound by nothing...
into the universe and beyond

Be lulled,
into a state of mindless tranquility
where words rule
governed by the light of hopes and fears

Tis' my attempt to pen
And pen
And pen
Don't know how or when it will end
Trying to express my desires
Hoping the ink will flow
As my thoughts go asunder
And float  and fly
Into bends

The perfect me would not criticize myself or be ******* me.    
I would be a tad bit taller
Straighter nose
Bigger *****
And yes -
A great big chest
My feet,  would be smaller, petite
So I could wear heels that go six feet
My voice
When I speak
Would captivate and defeat
So i could find love and be whisked off my feet
I smile, as I dream of the Perfect Me
I would be so gorgeous
You would stop dead in your tracks
Just staring
At the Perfect Me

Picking up the pieces;
one by one
So many pieces -- Everywhere !!
Overwhelmed, but willing to push on

One can see the glimmer on the horizon
It's dim right now,
as you close in expecting to see it afire --
Orange, Gold, Yellow
Just brimming!

The process has been long - it's still going on
Trying to keep upright,
hoping to delight

When the puzzle starts to shape up -
You know you got it right!

Sad Poetic lyrics
has to flow
before
the light emerges.

It's like a really good movie
Makes you squeeze your pillow
Hide under the sheets
SCREAM and YELL at it !
Curse at some of the contents
Laugh out loud;
Tear up
Let out a sigh of relief when you finish reading ...
because
You forgot to breathe at the ******

Copyright 4/29/16
JRAP

Great Poets are born
when there is a natural high
or a terrible low.

**** happens !
Trials & tribulations
eventually it all evens out
Trouble don't last always
God is good
Hold on
Keep pushing!
the best is yet to come

We all know who we are...
You always, (hopefully) love yourself
even if you don't like the reflection staring back at you

Curious to hear what friends, family and
acquaintances see
when they look or think of me
a psychological poll was given

The ones that knew me best
were not afraid of the test

My younger brother said:
Hardworking - honest - not afraid to try
anything - friendly - motivator - I do what
I say - finish what I start

Best friend I met years back: Loyal friend

Sister, from another mother, added: Heart
in the right place - Incredible artist - feel strongly
about my territory - will fight to the end; to protect
what is mine (at any cost) - driven - innovative -
care-free

My baby girl, was happy to report: loving -
giving - fearless - creative - caring - strong-minded -
secretive - smart - beautiful - funny - ambitious -
sweet

My really great friend from my homeland: love to
be in charge - domineering - don't like or take bull-**** -
kind (but don't let people use it against me) - don't
let people take me for granted - firm (with the opposite ***) -
always want to move onward in life - feisty - at times,
miserable -

Couldn't stop laughing out loud
feels good, to see and hear their reflections of me

That's me alright!
My head, didn't swell
I know who I am

Underneath all these layers
I'm only human
protecting my golden heart
creating a niche in this Universe

To leave an impression -
of Me

ooohhh !!!    hhhmm !!!
wow !!!     mama !!!

REJECTION - Hurts like HELL !

It goes deep down into the veins ...
It Hurts the bones ----
Tears up the brain ----
Spreads the veins -----

Hurts like HELL !

It drains the very blood
of your essence -
If you are on the receiving end

You lag to rock bottom
slipping into that abyss
of deep dark mystifying
shift .

Risk taking is not for the faint of heart
The fear of the unknown is strong
Not knowing what is in store is scary.

Stress and unhappiness buds sprouts of flight, into risks.
After years of pure hard labor and ungrateful  hands
risk taking looked like a good option

You can't think about it or you won't take the leap

Leap of strong, un-fore-bearing faith
knowing that you have to succeed -

because, God is good -
all the time -
and all the time -
God is good

Just to get it out your head, mind, soul
Shut-outs from the others world

Here you are
Sharing your life with another
It's such a farce

The outer world looks on
Sees nothing strange
Behind closed doors
There are so many frames

Shut -outs from basic needs
No conversations
No pillow talks
Blocked from Facebook
No gaming instincts

Fingerprint lock on cell phones, password unhacked to computers and laptops
Car trunk untapped

Work off limits
New found family and friends
Blinded by wants and selfish desires

Why?
Why do we females take it all
Years of living behind these walls

Shut-outs ?!

Finally
With lots of soul searching, heartaches
No loving arms

It's time to move on

JRAP 11/2018

Just because you are quiet...
maybe you don't say much
They think you are stupid, illiterate and such

We bother no one
brush off a lot of stuff
only when you show disrespect, yell or bully us
then our fangs come out and ****** !

Always heard the saying
never thought anything about it
you are immune, invisible, untouchable

Then, it hits...
**** !
I'm a target,
of my fathers' sins

Years an years of crap piled up
it spills and spills and spills

I'm caught up in the foul mists
the shadowy clouds, the rage...
can't stay adrift

Pulling with all the might of a warrior
I fight
Dragged left -
shifted right

Tongues wag; teeth gnash; eyes clash;
words flow, like a *****, nasty blow...

Father knows of his sins; yet, he lets me sink
he is not immune to the ills
Lets me float - no hope

So, I stay away. Forgiveness yes,
Trust no. Hurt, yes.

Lonely Apps
Socialization deleted
laughs, screams, talks

Now; texts, emails, tweets
eyes now dim
Puns of fun trapped behind lips

Plugged in
no uploads
to pull reality in