It evolved at birth. Dad was ever absent. Got married,
the husband was ever absent.
Developed a new relation, he was there for a few years.
Great years - because he was there.

I discovered love. It was beautiful. I loved love.
Several years into it, he decided to explore his other options.
I was hurt, depressed

Healed, I moved on. Thought I would be lucky with the next.
It went on for a few years; not bad.
Then, on cue, he wanted to move on too.

Hell, don't know what it is. Unable to keep love.

Most of us girls have the same problem, we find these guys -
down on their luck. We buy them things, clothes, cars, food.
Let them move in. Wash, cook, clean, give them cookies
and whatever they need - yet, they don't care about you.

We work harder to give. All we need is just to know they are there
for us, to hold us, a shoulder, a warm body in bed.

All I want to know is what the hell they want from us -
so i can keep the love instead.

ooohhh !!!    hhhmm !!!
wow !!!     mama !!!

REJECTION - Hurts like HELL !

It goes deep down into the veins ...
It Hurts the bones ----
Tears up the brain ----
Spreads the veins -----

Hurts like HELL !

It drains the very blood
of your essence -
If you are on the receiving end

You lag to rock bottom
slipping into that abyss
of deep dark mystifying
shift .

This empty feeling haunts you
nags at your thoughts ...
You shake it off; trying to dismiss it
Nah - can't be true

It persists
You see it in the eyes ...
That window to their soul
You feel it, taste it

Then, you wonder,
How did this happen?

Drifting apart but unable to stop the waves
you bob and float
with emotions too deep to be saved

Confiding in a friend, the fears and tears come undone
You can see their look of concern
they know it's done

Where did one go wrong?
Even though, deep down we know it has
It hurts the heart,
You search the soul
Finding nothing that can console

Sick in the head
Numb in the heart
Blind in one eye
Limp in the arms
Weak in the knees
Stone cold in the stomach

The world, as you perceive it
turns topsy turvie
only you can see it
NO one can feel it

Others think you are crazy
NO ONE knows the pain -
unless they experience it

Clouds are always grey
Days are blue
Rain, becomes you...

Through the multiple plains of life,
my ink flows freely

We all know who we are...
You always, (hopefully) love yourself
even if you don't like the reflection staring back at you

Curious to hear what friends, family and
acquaintances see
when they look or think of me
a psychological poll was given

The ones that knew me best
were not afraid of the test

My younger brother said:
Hardworking - honest - not afraid to try
anything - friendly - motivator - I do what
I say - finish what I start

Best friend I met years back: Loyal friend

Sister, from another mother, added: Heart
in the right place - Incredible artist - feel strongly
about my territory - will fight to the end; to protect
what is mine (at any cost) - driven - innovative -
care-free

My baby girl, was happy to report: loving -
giving - fearless - creative - caring - strong-minded -
secretive - smart - beautiful - funny - ambitious -
sweet

My really great friend from my homeland: love to
be in charge - domineering - don't like or take bull-**** -
kind (but don't let people use it against me) - don't
let people take me for granted - firm (with the opposite ***) -
always want to move onward in life - feisty - at times,
miserable -

Couldn't stop laughing out loud
feels good, to see and hear their reflections of me

That's me alright!
My head, didn't swell
I know who I am

Underneath all these layers
I'm only human
protecting my golden heart
creating a niche in this Universe

To leave an impression -
of Me

Always heard the saying
never thought anything about it
you are immune, invisible, untouchable

Then, it hits...
**** !
I'm a target,
of my fathers' sins

Years an years of crap piled up
it spills and spills and spills

I'm caught up in the foul mists
the shadowy clouds, the rage...
can't stay adrift

Pulling with all the might of a warrior
I fight
Dragged left -
shifted right

Tongues wag; teeth gnash; eyes clash;
words flow, like a *****, nasty blow...

Father knows of his sins; yet, he lets me sink
he is not immune to the ills
Lets me float - no hope

So, I stay away. Forgiveness yes,
Trust no. Hurt, yes.