You keep me on my toes to the point where you brush past me and I jump
Our future brought untold fear and I was never okay with it until now
Everything you say to me somehow registers deeply
If you aren't always near me I feel this growing hole in my stomach
I want this to work out more than I want to eat peanut M&M;'s or play basketball
You seem to read me like one of your books but your books usually take longer
Your past presents itself greatly in your present
If I wasn't ready for that I would have ran
I try to hide my past so it doesn't effect you
I only want my present and future to reach you
I might have almost said those 3 words but I never regret what I say
But then again you almost said it too so we're even
I just want you close to me because my life has never been stable and you seem like a rock compared to everything else
I know you check my poems to see if there is something about you
If I could properly find my words there would be something new everyday
You are just perfect to me and I guess it took me awhile to see perfection
I guess I just really... like you
Maybe I'll say it one day
If you're happy, I'm happy

I love you
With all your flaws and your complicated past
You could never drive me away
Only drive me closer to you
I want to be the one who changes your expectations and your reality
I don't plan on fixing you but I will fix myself for you
I only want you to cry because you are happy otherwise I will be crying right next to you
I love when you get excited about crafts and scary movies
I love sitting next to you in the van so I can glance over at you
I love when you lay next to me on my cot that barely fits both of us so I have to pull you in close
Our round is ending soon and the thought of leaving you makes me sick to my stomach
I don't want to leave you
Even 6 weeks feels like our entire life
Having you with me every day makes each day the best one of my life
Even when you act crazy I still just want to smile at you
Everything I've wanted is sitting right across from me
And I have never seen something so beautiful

17 years...

Sometimes you feel alone
So alone that you can hear your own heartbeat in a crowded room
So alone that you can't even see your own shadow

Sometimes you want to die
Just so you don't have to feel anymore
Just so you don't have to think anymore
Because all of that just adds more pain

And all that pain does is **** whatever joy you had left
And you can't lose anymore joy

Sometimes...
You just don't feel like your worth it
And believe me when I tell you this
I feel worthless
Like if I just shut out the world
No one would call to see how my day has been

We live to die
We live...to die
So why does everything in between have to be so hard

Everyday I tell people I love them
Because the day just might come
When I stop talking
And when that day comes
The world will fully understand that sometimes a simple smile from a stranger can change everything
The world will finally understand that its not all about money
Because in the end those millions won't save you from what's hurting you

Trust me..
I've been to the lowest of the low
And I'm looking up
I don't understand why life is so rough

I used to think I wasn't worthy of life
And when people heard about my thoughts
They looked at me like I was crazy
As if I didn't know how special I was
Standing alone in the rain
Like I just watched my lover leave and board a train
I looked in the mirror only to see every made up flaw that my imagination could orchestrate
I smiled only to have my eyes change my appearance into a twisted shape I couldn't recognize
My hatred towards myself lead to hatred towards others
I looked at people and thought of every mistake I could think of to match my own
I didn't know how to love myself
People's affirmations of me didn't mean anything
My words towards myself were like swords
And my friends words which I thought would be shields
Were really just medication to numb down what I was feeling
Thinking as long as they saw something more in me
I would somehow change my opinion
I walk down streets and see endless amounts of self confidence
If I had a nickel for every time my parents said something nice about me
I wouldn't have enough to pick myself out of the gutters and wash off
If only I knew sooner that approval from others is like trying to drive a car without gas
You can sit and picture all the places it will take you
But you will never reach any of them
I look in the mirror now to see the person that everyone else sees
Too bad it only took me 18 years to finally love myself

I can feel it
Coming in like a storm
Creeping up and spreading like roots breaking through the earth
I can tell
That it's going to be bad this time
And it's not about stopping it
It's about slowing it down
Gaining enough ground and holding my own
This feeling hits close to home
Like pictures that pinpoint memories that break you
Memories that confine your state of mind
I keep quiet
Who wants to be the girl who can't shake off a few hits
Can't move past the mist that's covered her mental state
Some things never change
Like the way a blade feels
Cold but familiar
The scars never quite fade completely
Heartbreak never really gets easy
It's definitely coming
And it's not about finding the best ways to cope
It's about making it out alive
19 years strong
I hope I can add a few more on

2013
Has made me feel like a survivor
365 days of complete life
And whether or not they consisted of happiness doesn't really matter
Because all you can do is try and prepare yourself for everything that will either **** you or make you stronger
I've seen it all this year
Everything from the ocean to the death of someone I loved
One made me feel like there is more out there in this world
And the other made me realize that love lives in the people that mean the most to you
And every year that passes is a reminder that we are all searching for something
I always made a resolution but never accomplished it
I want to be happy in 2014
Not the kind where I break out into song and dance
But the kind where I look back and smile
The kind where I know that everything will change
Because I will know that the power is in my hands
2013
Helped me cope with everything I didn't want to talk about
Revealed my true ambition to help out
And the loss of my uncle put things into perspective
You can overcome everything with a collective amount of faith and love
I might have struggled more than I succeeded
But I like to think that every obstacle I overcame was an accomplishment
My best friend helped me realize that I can't be happy unless I'm satisfied with the good, bad, and the ugly
And knowing she had my back made every obstacle into a small hurdle
And the only thing stopping me was myself
2013
Showed me that not every year will be perfect
But you can have perfect moments
2014
Will be full of perfect moments
I know who I am
And where I'm going
And life isn't about reaching a certain destination
Its about making little stops along the way
And seeing what's around you

25 days
A lot can happen in 25 days
I can write 25 poems
Watch 25 movies
Say goodbye to 25 people who have chosen to stay by my side
I can fall in love in 25 days
I can have my heart broken in 25 days
I can get up to watch the sun
Only to see it slip away
25 days to leave my mark
As much as I would love to say I've left my mark
No one can be sure
It's safe to say that I've learned each person has their own little world
You change one person and you've changed a world
I never want to be too small for people to overlook
And never too big for them to see some artificial version of the person that they only want to believe is me
25 days turns into 24, 23, 22.... 0
I remember when I had endless amounts of time and now it's shortened by each breathe and I am scared to run out of it
What if I overlook something
What if I forget someone
25 days to mend fences and rebuild bridges I burned along time ago
25 days to say how I feel
25 days for others to say how they feel
I am worried that my 25 days will be up and I will still crave more time
18 years turns into 25 days and I just wonder what I've done with my life
If I've changed a single person in 18 years
25 days seems so miniscule compared to my entire life
And to think
All I've waited for is for these 25 days to just be over

You question things to the point where your head fills with doubts and misconceptions
I understand that
I told you that you needed to find someone to change your expectations
I'm trying to be that person
I will always be the one to reassure you
If I can't tell you then I will show you
I have never been the one to fall without even jumping
If I didn't have you the world would never hold as much beauty as it does when I look at you
Never think that I want someone else
I would rather have you and nothing else then have everything without you
You bring light where there is darkness and if I have the privilege to have you forever I can die happy
I will better myself for you because you deserve the world wrapped in a bow
My heart is yours and even though it's damaged, you still find it beautiful
I will never let you down
I leave the past in the past and I won't look back because you won't be there
I never imagined this happening but I would never ask for a redo

I think I'm tired
My body feels restless but my mind is always ignited
I always feel like it's moving from one possibility to the next
Like a shark
If a shark stops swimming it will die
If I stop allowing my mind to turn back and forth I will succumb to my body
I can see my chest rise and fall but I no longer know if anything is alive inside me
You would think that flowers grow in the sunlight but that's not always the case
Some grow in the shade
And I don't want to fall behind
But I no longer know my place
I'm not sure where I stand
I feel like my brain doesn't get enough blood
It's all been rushed to my heart to keep it pumping
To keep it from shattering under the pressure of my chest
I cut because of something you said
It made my heart hurt
I felt it stutter and stop for a second
You still control so much of me
Do not call me strong
I had to prove her wrong
I had to not keep her words in my gut
I had to get them out
I can't tell anyone
They all think I've stopped
So this is our little secret and everything will be okay
Everything will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
You can't make yourself not feel
Even emptiness is something that's felt
You can feel the air inside you where your organs used to be
You can feel your soul flouting around in you
Tell me you don't feel that
Even when I feel empty I can feel your words being the only dense matter inside me
And when I try to let go it just breaks up into pieces refusing to vacate
And all I do is just breathe
Not fully aware that you are still so very much alive in me
I was hoping you would have died months ago
I can see my chest rise and fall
But I know I'm just bringing in air
Air that pushes you around
All the blood goes to my heart because it's trying to fix what you destroyed
Flowers can't survive a hail storm

I'm about ready to collapse
I can't go on
My days are full of pain
And my nights are nothing but me laying awake
Thinking about everything I'm losing
I'm bruising real easily
Probably because I'm weakening
I'm reevaluating my actions
My passion
If I don't succeed
I'll be locked away in self pity
Fall to my knees
Wave the white flag and retreat
You won't hear from me
I'm trying to be strong
But not for long
I'm standing as tall as I possibly can
****
Don't take everything that I am
Since you've left
I feel stuck in lost depth
I don't know where my head is
I've lost my mind
Can't keep track of time
I wish I could of said goodbye
You are being put in the ground tomorrow
That will be the beginning of my real sorrow
I'm afraid that if I sleep
I'll see you
I don't know if I can handle seeing you
I can't seem to move on
Its only been a couple of days
And I can't keep up
My head says to get over it
My heart says that's enough
I can't take much more of this
Stress is overflowing
I'm lost in an abyss
Everyone is trying to help
But they don't see that I'm sinking

I lash out for the sake of noise
Silence is my enemy
I use my fake happiness as a ploy so others don't think they get to me
My advantage is that I never win so people assume they are ahead of me
I've already come this far so finishing seems like the right thing
But my stubbornness usually gets the best of me
I stare into the abyss and try to forget the casualties
In this life I'm finding out that I'm my greatest tragedy
So right or wrong I'm in this with no apologies
You can keep your love, I'm on my own
You're no longer a priority
My heart is back in my chest but still lacks authority
It forgets to beat, I forget to breathe but that's a different story
So time traveling and planes crashing are all that's left of me
Save your trap doors and vacant holes
I know what's best for me
I sway in and out of good and bad questioning my reality
If we all come from stardust then an afterlife is nothing but make believe
When she comes to me in my dreams I have to believe it's meant to be
Because she was always my anchor out at sea
I draw blood for the sake of feeling
Then go to church for some honest healing
And who knows maybe it will keep my heart from reeling
But these days I just look for any sign of smoke through my glass pipe
I can't help but be weak but I still fight
It took me months to write this but I think it's alright

Promises aren't really promises
I lost more than the bottle did
And it kills me to know you chose alcohol over me
Even though I purposely make myself bleed
So I guess I'm a hypocrite
I can't put the knife down
I've inherited the urge for the bottle too
So I guess I'm spitting image of you
I light myself on fire just to keep others warm
I cause problems and jump head first into storms
The ones I love can't get through to me
We all sat in the living room crying trying to get through to you
Addiction is nasty business
It's left our family in pieces
I can't even look at you
The man who gave me life and my name
Would rather sit in a bar than go to my basketball games
The one who came home late and belligerent
Knocked over our tree and basically ruined Christmas
The man who said I wouldn't amount to anything because I was just like him
Now I'm sitting in my room alone with a pen
And I can't explain it
I want to reach out to you
But I know what I say won't change what you do
And it was so awkward on Easter
We acted like we didn't know each other
Every time I walked into a room you left like I wasn't welcomed or something
And you're my dad
You're supposed to be my hero
How am I supposed to grow up when all I've seen is violence and evil
And I know you've been through ****
Have guilt with losing your dad
And honestly we're headed down that same path
But I can't keep giving you a chance
Only to end up broken in half
Because you don't listen
You don't think you're in the wrong
But why would I push you away if everything was good and calm
I want you in my life but only if you stay strong
You went sober for over 100 days and I thought that our hell was gone
I thought God answered my prayers
But I don't really believe anymore
19 years of birthday wishes
I don't see Him anymore
And maybe prayers can't save you
Maybe tears can't save you
Maybe this is a battle that only you can face
I know you've been running this race for a long time
I would be tired too
But you have 3 kids that want to depend on you
Danny is only 14
This is not the world he should see
I want him to be a good man one day
How is he supposed to learn if you won't even stay
You run from everything including your family
Dad tell me what you need from me
I'll do anything to have to you in my life
I'll stay up all day and all night
I'll be a better person
I won't pick stupid little fights
**** I'll marry a man if it gives our relationship life
I wish I could say all of this to you
God only knows what I would do
So please dad put the bottle down
I don't know what you're searching for but I know you won't find it at the bottom of your favorite brand
There isn't more I can say that could make you change your ways
As much as it scares me these might be your final days
All your drinking buddies are dying
And why don't you see
That it's only a matter of time before the addiction takes you away from me
There isn't much else I can say
All my thoughts are on this page
If you do change
Let me know
I would like my dad to see me grow

These past few weeks
I have been ashamed to be white
The audacity of what's happening is sickening
Why are we still having these problems?
We turned away from slavery to show that we were all equal
Just to prove that we are far from it
We try to exclaim that America is the greatest country in the world
As we cover our problems behind media hype and breaking news full of lies and delusions
The fact that we can't swallow our pride shows that we have much work to do
Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin proving that we don't value a single life but our own
Even though each soul is valuable
Why do we have to use violence to try and show that we are against violence
Why do we talk about gun control but have our police officers pulling triggers on innocent victims
Why do we talk about "We the People" when it's really just the people with the right paychecks and complexion that have the voice and the power
Each hour more and more are being silenced just so we can look the part
We conform to fit this mold that we have imposed on ourselves
Forcing our morals and values to take a back seat on our power trip
I'm tired of turning on the TV to see news reports on tragedies
Killings and shootings
Kidnappings and hate crimes
People come to this country for the American dream
But this place is more like a nightmare
The rich living the dream
While everyone else fights for their own taste of the good life
When we have the resources to give everyone the good life
Love is becoming harder to find because we want power
We **** for power
Fight for power
Eat, sleep, and breathe power
Not knowing that the price of power
Is worth more than any life
When will we see that beneath our clothes and skin tones
We are all the same
When will we see what we are doing to our brothers and sisters
When will we bring peace that overturns the hold we have on our image
The hold it has on power
I pray for equality
I pray for the day we can walk the streets and not worry
I don't see why equality is so hard come by

I take a trip down memory lane
And with you nothing seems the same
We were told that things change
Put who wants to believe what strangers say

I look through photographs
And some make me laugh
Some don't even look like us
What's with all the fuss
We build trust
Then let it rust

We grow up
Like trees
Are roots are in the same place
But are leaves take shape
We start to believe
That there is more out there for us

That if we just spread our wings far enough
We can grasp all the little things
That taking the time to watch the leaves change colors
Isn't always a waste of time

That growing old
Doesn't mean you forget how the sun feels on your face
That it can warm you up as quickly as it can go away
And memories fade
But time is always giving us gifts
A chance to make new ones

I've lost myself searching for other people
My map runs in circles
If I could just find a will to live I could live a life willingly
I'm trapped inside a small room in my mind with even smaller windows
Never giving enough light to push the silence out
I strike matches over and over hoping they will cast a shadow
I need some kind of cover from the monsters
I used to have galaxies in my eyes and gold in my veins
But everything is dark now and I've never been the same
If she could see me in my pure form she'd have to stay
Do I cycle through people or do people cycle through me
If none of us are growing how will we ever reach our needs
I just need you next to me
I'm no longer whole and I've made a mess of things
The blade still has too much power over me
Will I make it to 23
I lose myself time and time again
My only friends are the voices in my head
I've lost myself searching for other people
If I stop...


Who will come find me?

The only thing that's consistent is change
I've played this game too many times
I've realized that no one ever knows what's deep inside
So please tell me why happiness is so hard to find
I've let love slip away one too many times
I feel drained
I want a replay
Those two years run through my head frame by frame
I'm trying to move forward
But being stuck in the past is one of things I'm best at
I'm running on a stationary wheel
I feel like I'm going nowhere
You were always there
I don't know if I could have done more
Your death haunts me to my core
I picture you hanging above the floor
I dream of me standing at the door
I can't save you
My thoughts are stressing me out
Crawling back into my head is doubt
Look at me now
You always believed in me
You always saw something that I could never see
You said I love you daily
Kai I'm trying for you
I know you wouldn't want me stuck in one place when you always knew I could finish this race
But I'm tired
I need you to talk me through
When the water was rising you always knew what to do
I took you for granted
And if I hadn't who knows where you would be
I'm doing it again
I'm blaming me
I really just want to accept it
You are dead
This whole year has been based around that
I found love again
And even though it didn't work out
I now know it's possible again
You always knew someone would take my heart after you
I thought it was too good to be true
I'm having anxiety
Your anniversary is coming
And how can I relive that horrible day
10:30pm phone call from your mother
"Kai is dead"
"I found her hanging above her bed"
"What did you do to her?"
"You broke her heart"
I didn't mean to
"She's dead because of you"
I did all I could do
The phone calls and texts flowed in like a steady stream
Everyone blaming me
I shut down
All I could think about was you being put into the ground
But I can't change it
All I can do is live through each day
Hope that the blame goes away
I'll always love you
The only thing that's consistent is change
I will never walk away
Kai
I should have stayed

I'm trying to figure out why I'm not good enough
The man who makes up half of who I am
Shows no interest in 1/3 of his self-worth
And I get it
I was never very bright
Never really right for this world
I questioned every move he ever made
And always acted like I didn't need him
Life lessons came from outside perspectives
And I guess I never really fit into his world
Drinking and driving is hard when you have a kid in the car
It's hard to shut the world out drinking *** and coke when you have someone asking you history questions
Mixing morning screwdrivers is challenging when you have to pour cereal into a bowl at the same time
I get it
Alcohol is your life line
Your anchor out at sea
You want to experience life with blinders on
So far you've done a pretty good job
Now that I'm older you expect me to walk away
Because you never really were there to be begin with
So why would I even want you to stay
If you can't change for your kids then you really can't change for anyone
I just want you to tell me why I'm not good enough
I'm not a little kid anymore
Because of you I'm pretty tough
Maybe if I was gone you could drink freely
I'm seeing clearly
I can't make you love me the way you love the bottle
And one day I will just be another hazy memory
You'll never fully know what happened
You'll look at me and say that I was just a bad habit

Are you proud
That I'm even your daughter
Are you proud
To know that I'm gay
Would you love me any more
If I were straight
Are you proud of what I've accomplished
Do you wish I were different
You've demolished every once of my self confidence
Do you love me
Do you regret having me
If I had left this earth
Would you want me back
You see dad
We are not that different
We talk like we are strangers
Fight and put each other in danger
And I want to make you proud
Your negatively is loud
Constantly in my head
I think of ways to die while in my bed
And you don't even care
How dare
You call me worthless
How dare
You call me ugly
How dare you sit there
And tell me everything that's wrong with who I am
And then wonder why I resent you
I've never needed to depend on you
I will travel across this earth before I call for you
You made me afraid to be myself
You made me want to **** myself
But you sit there and continue to justify your actions
I'll continue to write
Did you know that's my passion
So dad
Can you tell I'm trying to get your attention
You never gave me love or affection
You use ever excuse to put me down
Then kick me while I'm still on the ground
I just want to make you proud

I am about to be honest for a real quick second
And if you don't like my message
You can quietly exit
I have not lived a easy life
I have seen every roadblock every setback
That made me believe I deserved all of that
I cursed myself
I cursed God
Whoever was in my sights I hated
I blamed everyone for my own sadness
And instead of picking my head up
I faded into blackness
All I wanted was a life I thought I deserved
A life I thought I earned
But in reality
What have I done?
Who have I helped or encouraged?
I took my life for granted and never thanked a single person
I was selfish
Putting my pity on everyone
Instead of trying to figure out how I could help someone
And I call myself a Christian
I call myself a leader
I used those words to fill holes in my head to make myself believe that I was doing something right
And for what?
A pat on the back
And a thumbs up
Some fake respect and meaningless praise
That only led me further from the truth
I sit here now
And think of everything that brought me here
Whether it was worth it or not
Well I don't know yet
All I can say is that without a doubt in my mind
I can look you dead in the eye
And say that I want to change the world
I want to be a leader
A dream chaser
A goal seeker
A believer
I want people to think of me and know that I made a difference
Whether or not they knew me at all
I want to help people
In the way that I couldn't help myself
And when I die
I want people to know that I did everything I could
To make myself better
All I've ever wanted was to look in the mirror and see someone who never gave up
God put me here
In this town
In this house
In certain people's lives
And if you read this I promise to make a difference
I promise to change lives

If I had to explain her
You would need to give me minute
Come from two different worlds
And yet we get it
Now you could say we are opposites
But you would never know
That she's my best friend
The one who picks me up when I'm down
The one who fights off all my demons
The one who knows all my secrets
She is everything you could want in a best friend
The thought of leaving her terrifies me
I'll cry every night
Like a cry baby
Telephone calls and text messages
Just won't be the same
I'll tattoo her name in my heart and in my brain
Desiree
Who has been there when the world shut me out
Was there when I came out
Would beat up all of my haters
If I asked her to
I would never ask her to
But I know she would
Just to prove
That skin color doesn't matter
Sexuality doesn't matter
We overcome all of that
Wherever we end up
Wherever our paths take us
Distance will never break us
We are just to close

When I saw her mom
Everything around me went still
It was kind of like focusing on one thing while everything else is moving rapidly
You don't quite notice your surroundings until you blink
She walked up to me and I didn't recognize her
Until I saw her eyes
I forgot that they had the same eyes
Big dark green eyes
With tiny galaxies that exploded all around them
With hints of yellow suns and blue moons
Her eyes were my favorite
Her eyes kept me whole
Kept me captivated
She spoke to me
And for a second, I swore
That Kai was there
That all the times I spoke to her after she died she somehow heard all of it
She somehow read all my poems and listened to the voice mails I left on her cell phone
Everything was suddenly crashing down
"I haven't forgotten what you've done"
It was no longer Kai
But all of my regret flooding into my body
Drowning in big dark green eyes
Sinking into the abyss of my own blame
When I saw her mom
I took a second to look around her
Look behind her
Waiting for Kai to come running up and collapse into my arms
Stumble back into my life like drunk love
So innocent
I saw those big dark green eyes attached to a different body
Demolished high hopes can destroy you
Unrealistic expectations can be the switch that turns everything off
But those eyes
I swear
They could start a fire inside you
When I saw her mom
I saw Kai
And it made me remember that true love never really dies

With everything that's around us
Sometimes we forget the big picture
Sometimes we hold are heads up searching
And miss what is right below us
And we think
Will we ever find what we are looking for
But do we even know what that is
Life is full of amazing Kodak moments
And hard life changing realities
We begin to question what we were originally looking for
What is it?
Where did it go?
I'm not sure
And we begin to question our ability to figure things out
Like realizing that no matter how hard yesterday was
The sun will still greet us in the morning
Or why that old song on the radio still makes you smile
We begin to think if we can do this
And as soon as we question our self's
We lose sight of what's right in front of us
True happiness does not mean that we have everything figures out
But it does mean that we can brush off the dirt and dust of life
And once we figure out that we can't control what happens to us
Be can control how we feel about it
Then life wont seem so bad anymore
All those twists and turns that we weren't expecting
Now have a purpose
And its to keep life interesting
And that my friends is a beautiful thing

Can I just tell you I love you?
Here in this shallow world that holds fear of commitment
Where trust becomes weakened by fame and unmentionable regret
We stand face to face in our passion holding tightly to our desires
Can I just tell you I love you?
As if we have never been hurt before
As if it's our first love and we aren't even a bit prepared
Because being prepared for something indescribable seems strange to both of us
Can I just tell you I love you?
Without hesitation of not receiving the same kind of love back
It's fiery in my heart and extinguished in yours
Let me strike up a match and let our doubts burn
Can I just tell you I love you?
Or does that seem completely unreasonable
Because I don't know who this is for
Or why it even came to mind

She is trying to forget
Forget where you put your hands
What you whispered in her ear
How you made her feel

She is trying to let go
Because she can't show how much it kills
You fight to hold on
You fight to let go
Even though why we fight is sometimes unknown
And you made her this way

Nothing feels right
Nothing seems right
But when she looks at you
She sees family
Not a monster that people make you out to be
But she can't forget

She lives
She breathes
She feels everything
And who she was
Isn't who she is now

Everything happens for a reason
She knows that now
Happiness can be taken as easily as it can be found

I know that I can never fully give my heart
I haven't quite found all the pieces yet
I came on this journey to find my bliss
And instead I found you
This beating black hole inside me can't grasp enough light to make this work
Without ******* you in and losing you to the void just like everyone else
I put you first so you have a better chance of surviving
If that means being the sacrifice well then I will do that
Don't think I think less of myself
I just think highly of you
I hate when you say "I'm used to it"
That should never be your normal
I want you to find someone who changes your expectations
Sadly I still need to change mine
I'm not sure if I still believe in fate or true love
Being here makes you rethink your true intentions
I just hope I didn't leave you wanting more
I couldn't possibly show you this without having to fully express myself out loud
I just hate that you were my next victim
Another name to add to my list of fallen hearts
The way you look at me has changed
But then again I don't blame you
I would hate me too
In fact we both seem to have the same views now
You don't want to be near me and I don't either
But unfortunately I am trapped
You on the other hand have a chance to forget about me
Everything written couldn't possibly be said out loud
No one needs to know how much I hurt right now
So please be okay and walk away
You are too special to be a pawn in my game

I don't know what to write
My wells dried up
The gas tank that was full of my never ending thoughts is on E
Empty
Maybe that's how I feel
Everything is falling into place
The marathon that was my life is no longer a race
I can take a breather
I'm closer to the finish line
I can see it in my own eyes
But when it comes to what I'm writing
I feel paralyzed
I'm forcing it
My words used to be real
But now I don't know how to deal with the fact that how I feel
Can't be explained
My brain is trying to come up with new ways to say things
My thought process is jumbled up like alphabet soup
I can form inspiration if I have an issue that I need to get through
What else should I do
I can give up on these words that used to drag me out of every dark hole
I can stop using my emotion as an antidote for my pain
But I don't need to see the weather to know that in a few years it will probably rain
Maybe that's a metaphor for my life
Everything is good right now
I couldn't be happier
But as my life goes on
Something will come along
And rain on my parade
You know what makes me sad
Knowing that in many short days
I'll be leaving my best friend
Now that's pain
So maybe I didn't force this poem
Maybe it happened naturally
I think I think too much which ends in a catastrophe
So giving up may be too big of a jump from where I'm standing
So instead I'll just show this to the person who convinced me to keep going
I know she'll love it

"One last all or nothing chance"
That's what my father said when my mother came home with divorce papers
He looked at me with tears down his face and I felt an ache in my chest
The kind of ache that makes you tense up and hold your breath
I've waited since the 4th grade for them to end their marriage
Sometimes I used birthday wishes and single stars to make it come true
Watching my home crumble under the weight of alcohol and pride
The smell of regret and deflection
"It's not my fault"
"I'll change this time"
"I can't lose you guys"
Blaming my father even though my mother can be the match that starts the flame
The small nudge off the cliff
Marriage takes two
Two people to love
Two people to hate
Two people to leave stains of blood on walls where photos should be
Two people to scream ****** ****** that takes the space where laughter should be heard
Nothing really matters anymore
I search for love the way my parents search for an argument
First someone says something dangerous
Something that gets the others heart racing
And then they sort of fall into it
Creating a numbness around their hearts
Not fully seeing the picture
Blinded by words
I fall in love the way my parents hate
I get lost in what she says
I let her words destroy the outer shell around my heart
I let her see me vulnerable
I allow her to break me down simply because what she says breaks my heart in the most beautiful way possible
I watch my parents fall out of love as I let myself fall into it
Because what is love without pain
Without the feeling of air leaving your lungs
"One last all or nothing chance"
And we allow it
We let in the pain like a familiar feeling
We let in love like we let in change
And I will fight for a love that is unlike my parents
I am not a product of their love
I am not a victim of their hate
I am everything they wouldn't allow in their hearts
Unconditional love

I'm awake
I see everything clearly
You saw what was happening to me
And knew something needed to be done
I can't promise that I wont feel pain
But I will do my best to get through each day
I'm no longer afraid
You taught me that if I wasn't happy
Then I should change
You made it clear that it wouldn't be easy
But it was possible
Sometimes life knocks you down
And as soon as you are about to get back up
It kicks you
I'm sorry I stayed down for so long
During that time my heart just couldn't go on
But you always knew I was strong
People look at me and think I have everything together
But don't be fooled by my confidence
It's not always real
At first I thought I was changing for you
But now I know I'm changing for me
Because I let everything build and build
Until it caves in on me
Not anymore
3 months clean
And most people won't know what that means
But it means everything
I can't believe how far I've come
I can't believe how strong I can be

I should give up now
The effects of my high are fading and now I'm starting to feel it
I honestly don't believe it
But I have no more questions
Love doesn't really exist
It's just all a lesson
But with you, it was real
I actually felt again
I wasn't worried about the past coming up again
I thought you were the one
I mean I actually had faith
All those other girls couldn't even find their place in my heart
But you had the whole thing
I gave it away when you got that ring
And I'm not trying to hurt you
Or make you out to be the bad guy
But I'm dead inside
Totally paralyzed by the effects of you leaving
I wouldn't even call it grieving
I just want you in my life
Because with you the hard times didn't seem so bad
You just make things easier
You know me better than the people I'm related to
You speak the truth
I know I shouldn't have listened to those people who don't really know the depths of me and you
The start of this poem is starting to not be true
I'm okay
You're okay
But I still love you
I guess that's how it'll be for awhile
And I know I will see you from time to time
But now we can actually speak to each other
I won't have to walk away or not stay
And I'm okay with that
I don't know if my feelings will ever change
But soon it won't even matter
We'll go back to our normal lives on different planets
That scares me
I don't want to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye
Now I'm just rambling while watching planes fly by
I know things will never be the same
But if you ever need me
Don't hesitate to call
I would never let you fall

For the first time in ten months I am alone
This life once had so much meaning and now I don't know my place anymore
There is pressure to start school or find work
But I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
I just want to sleep
The people closest to me are now so far away
And I wonder if I will ever see them again
The day has never felt so empty
They talk about all the wonderful things that can happen in life after AmeriCorps
But no one talks about the adjustment
Trying to find meaning in an unremarkable day
Finding balance in free time
Making connections with the outside world because AmeriCorps was its own universe
No one talks about how hard it will be to find yourself again
I'm starting to look for jobs but it all seems pretty meaningless
If I can't help people then what is the point
My family doesn't understand
They all took the path society laid out for them
College
9-5 job
Bills
Routine
And they don't understand that I am already fighting so hard to stay here
I can't deal with a life if I'm not happy
But I settle anyways
I don't really talk anymore
My family is spread out throughout the country
And I'm just kind of here
Not really living
Just existing
And my biggest fear is that I won't find that passion again
Because everyone knows that the older you get
The harder it is to follow dreams
Society doesn't want to see you succeed
And I'm only 19 but my mentality is now sky high
I want quality over quantity
I'm realizing that I was on a high
I was up alongside the clouds
And now I'm crashing
My eyes are closed
And I'm waiting to hit the ground....

This is so great I'm finally out of high school
My friend died from a drug overdose
We just graduated
What about his future?
Oh my god
The girl I loved
She committed suicide
I told her not to talk to me anymore
We both needed a lot of help
I think every emotion has left my body
The world is no longer nice and forgiving
Her parents are blaming me
They call and leave me text messages
They don't realize that I lost her too
No one is really asking if I'm okay
I kind of want to drop dead
I leave for Colorado soon and now I don't think it's a good idea
I'm too damaged
I'm saying goodbye to my parents at the airport
They don't know how relieved I am
Colorado is big and beautiful and unlike anything I've ever seen
There are so many people around me right now
All from different states and backgrounds
It is so overwhelming but they all feel like my family
My first project starts soon
I'll be staying in Denver
I'm working at a homeless shelter and food bank
There are so many families struggling
There is this girl
And she is beautiful
I'm kind of scared to get close to her
She makes me feel something
I broke it off
That is just too much right now
Well crap
We are both going to be in Arizona together
We'll be living and working together
Wow I'm falling in love
Like the kind of love that makes you smile all the time
Soon we'll be on separate projects
I had to say goodbye to her
I walked behind a truck and started crying
She is the woman I want to marry
Now I'm living on a mountain
There are so many stars in the sky
I feel so small
I'll be seeing her soon
We are spending the weekend together
I think we are going to have *** for the first time
I hope I'm good at it
That was good
That was really good
I only have a few more weeks on the mountain and then we are all going back to Denver
Then it's spring break with her
I love being in love
Well we're back in Denver
Things are kind of weird
She doesn't really want to be around me
I think she just needs some space and everything will be okay....

Everything is not okay
She doesn't want to be with me anymore
She's not ready for commitment
Even though she was the one pushing for a relationship
I cut for the first time in over a year
I got wasted and was going to end it all
And the worst part is I would still do anything for her
I'm avoiding people
I can't sleep and I haven't eaten in three days
I'll be leaving for Texas soon and she will be there
How could I give my heart away like that
She is seeing someone else
That was fast
I'm drinking more and more
I'm taking box cutters from my project to fuel my addiction
And yet we talk every day
I can't keep myself away from her
She draws me in
I don't think I can live this life anymore
I've come so close and yet I'm still so far
At first I had all this time right in front of me
Now I have a few more weeks with the people who are my family
I'm drinking almost every day now
Any time I can get my hands on alcohol it floods into my system and brings trouble
People are worried
They have never seen me like this and I haven't either
I want to numb my pain
We are back in Denver with two weeks left
I get my alcohol from a store down the street from where we are staying
I just gave my friend the only box cutter I had
We are all watching an ultimate frisbee tournament
I sneak away to find a blade
I walk to three different stores until I can find one
I've hit a new low
We are at the airport
We are all dressed in the same uniform
With bags in our hands and tears in our eyes
No one thought it would be this difficult
I watch my best friend and soulmate walk down the stairs and through security
I fall back into the wall and cry
I'm now back home
It is empty with no life
I sit on the floor of my kitchen at 1a.m. and wonder how it all happened so fast....

I'm a quiet little kid in a family full of talkers
I look up and stare at mouths moving and wonder how people have so much to say
I'm wearing a dress my grandmother bought for me
No one knows that I hate it
I have 2 boy cousins and 2 girl cousins
I don't really fit in with either side
The girls want to play with makeup and they don't understand why I don't like that stuff
The boys won't let me play with them because "I'm a girl"
I didn't know that was a problem
My parents yell a lot and they don't realize I'm listening
I've learned to blend in with my surroundings
I've never yelled before
Not even on the playground when this kid in my class said I wasn't smart enough to be an astronaut
I just walked away
I didn't know that there was a possibility that my dreams wouldn't come true
Everything is not what I thought it would be
For some reason everyone talks about love but people are really mean
Maybe when I get older everyone will be nice to everyone
I saw a dog get killed by a car in my neighborhood
Wow
Death is a real thing
Will I die one day?
Probably when I'm like 500 or something
Not when I'm 14 or maybe 18
No that's silly
This world is big and I'm small but I think one day I'll grow big and things will be okay
I just have to wait....

This high school is big
I don't really know anyone and no one really knows me
I met this girl that makes me feel both happy and sad
She does a lot of drugs but I think there could be something between us
My head hurts
I crashed into a wall playing basketball and now I don't really feel the same
I'm angry a lot
She is starting to do more drugs and I've started cutting
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm starting to make new friends because she's not talking to me anymore
I think she was in the hospital over the summer or something
I think everyone knows I'm gay
I don't really talk about it but I think it's obvious
******* my mom just asked me if I was gay
Should I lie?
**** now my whole family knows
I'm in love with this girl
And the cool thing is, is that she loves me too
I still cut everyday
The only person who knows is my best friend and I don't think she knows what to do
A kid put a note on my locker that said ******
How did he even know where my locker was?
People are mad and I'm just kind of numb
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm now a junior and this year is going pretty well
I'm still in love but she is becoming really depressed
I think my mind is playing tricks on me
I keep seeing myself dying
I don't really want to die but maybe it would make things better
Everyone is taking about college but I've never really been book smart
I also sleep a lot in class so that doesn't help me either
But there is this really cool program called AmeriCorps NCCC
I could travel and help a lot of people
I think I'll look into it
Wow I'm a senior
I'm no longer with that girl I loved
Things got really complicated
Someone hacked my Facebook and called me ****** again
I wish people had new insults
My friends are *******
I just kind of wish I was straight
I applied for AmeriCorps but my dad says I won't get in
I don't really have a backup plan
I promised my best friend I would stop cutting so I'm going to try
I also think I'm going to get a tattoo to cover some scars but I'm kind of nervous
My head hurts again
I got knocked into the bleachers at track practice
And now it hurts when it's loud and bright outside
My whole season is ruined
Hey
I got accepted into AmeriCorps
I'm going to Colorado in October
Things are really coming together
I haven't cut in 4 whole months
I graduated high school today....

I think I'm gay
But I'm not exactly sure what that means
All the girls in my class are starting to talk about boys
And I don't see what they see
I see the girls though
My body is doing this weird thing
I'm think I'm growing up
I told my best friend that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up when we were sitting in math class
She told another friend and that friend told her parents
I think I'm in trouble
The guidance counselor called me in and now he's asking me all these questions
I'm just going to lie
My family has a reputation at this school
Wow this girl is pretty
Her smile is nice
And I like her long hair
Sometimes during church I catch myself staring
I hope my priest doesn't know
My parents are promising to stop fighting as long as I don't **** myself
Whatever
Ha I just failed my math test and I have detention after school
I'll tell my parents I'm getting help with my homework
They don't pay attention anyways
The girl knows I like her
I hope she doesn't say anything
Soon I'll be going to a big public school
I wonder what that's like
Middle school is a piece of cake
My parents are still fighting
Figures
The cops showed up a few days ago
They arrested my dad
My grandpa just passed away and he was more like my dad than my actual one
Death is becoming more and more real to me
I think I need to find God again....

I don't know if I'm ready
My mind has never been steady
These weights are too heavy
But I'm afraid to set them down
I've found
That you can never be prepared
No matter how long you've been breathing
The air is always surprising when you feel like dying
It overtakes your whole being
Relieving all the wounds that were left behind
Every sign of giving up
Becomes a distant memory
You wish to capture those feelings
Store it away until you desperately need it
Can you believe it
Can you see how small you are when you stand outside
We are all trying to find where we fit in
Like the worlds biggest jigsaw puzzle
You can't try and make the pieces fit
No matter how hard you try to conform them
You can hit then a thousand times but it will never work
Just let them be where they are supposed to be
The world is not about controlling everybody
The world is about harmony
We are all just tiny specks in one giant universe
So why make others feel anymore small then we already are
I hate when people try to change who they are
I look at the stars and see that they are happy being what they were meant to be
And look at the leaves
Never satisfied
Always changing
And how can you be happy if you are always changing
I ask myself who I am
But then rephrase the question
Who do I want to be
But those answers are never easy
So why do people always try to give their input
I long for a mute button
You can't clip a birds wings and then ask why it isn't flying
You can't make me hide who I am but still expect me to succeed
You can't clip my wings

My mind is blocked
I look at the clock
And notice my time is running out
My head is full of doubt
I'm sorry mom
I've let you down
I promise I'm coming around
Its 12:02 in the morning
Always storming in my brain
Must catch a wave and ride it out
Maybe there is more then sky beyond those clouds
But all I see are people
Always moving
Always running about
No one stops anymore to look around
I must find a place where time and space corroborate
Am I visible now
Or do you need to get your eyes checked
This place is not for everyone
Only the heartless
Or maybe the ones who take the time to speak their mind
Instead of falling in line
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But you are in my way
Keeping me at bay
And all this time I kept myself locked away
Nowadays everyone's fake
Until you figure out that we aren't supposed to relate
And we all have eyes but we don't use them
We all just live to die
So why not show the world what you hide inside
Just because you don't fit in doesn't mean you don't deserve your moment of glory
For once put aside your differences and learn that we are all one
My mind is no longer blocked
I've beaten the clock
My thoughts are clear and I am sure of one thing only
Life
Among other things
Is for the living
If you are tired of feeling
Well join the club
Its 12:05 and tonight I remember why I'm alive
Look deep inside and realize that whether you are fully awake or paralyzed
We all live to die
So don't criticize
Only memorize what you want to say
When someone asks you
How did you change the world?

Sometimes I feel like I lack so much passion
Is that me or the depression
I can't seem to form thoughts that let people in
I want love but I seem to fall too deep into it
And I talk a lot but no one is really listening

I scribble out the words
Like I forget everything that hurts
Are you sure I'm not asleep
Are you sure this is happening

Why am I crying
Why did it hurt that she never saw me
There is so much suppressed noise that I'm completely silent
If you can't handle me when I'm wordless
Don't expect yourself to make it hurt less
If you could hear my thoughts you'd understand that I'm complex
And they're endless

But what's the use
I'm used to being abused by the pain I can't seem to lose
Don't speak for me
I might be slow to draw
But don't think for me
My trigger finger is quick to take me out of my misery
Thank God for cold feet

Thank God I'm terrible at endings

My brain seems to get more damaged each day
These unstoppable rays of sunshine leave me in a haze
I'm amazed that I'm able to function
I'm stuck in between an unthinkable junction
That makes me wonder if life is all its cracked up to be
I sit in darkness with my hands over my forehead
And let the pain and my brain duke it out
I pass out from exhaustion never to find out who wins
Great battles happen between my eyes
And believe me
These explosions look better in movies
My vision goes in and out like when you blink rapidly
Clear
Blurry
Distorted
I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore
They say when you fall you should get back up
Believe me if my body remembered gravity I would stand on my own two feet
Without questioning the laws of physics
I could just stand without thinking the world was wobbly
Brain damage will hopefully damage the memories that I hold
Because a little memory loss might do my heart some good
This concussion does not play around
Each day makes me lose ground
My emotions plummet and then sore to the sky
Light and noise make it so my thoughts freeze and my heart skips a beat
Whatever is going on in my head
Won't let me sleep
Writing this was a struggle
My writing is becoming painful

Why do I contemplate suicide
When everyone around me dies
Then will I realize

The hardest thoughts keep me trapped in the dark
The only thing that keeps me going is when I light up a spark
Drown in the art
The thing about living is you gotta be who you are
But in my mind I think it will never change
And in my eyes it's the darkest of days
You're right next to me
It got the best of me
Giving up all of my needs
But honestly I know that it's just who I am
And in the long run it's about where I land
But I can't even stand
Where's the line
I don't want to be who I am
I hate the drip
But I'm killing for tips
I don't want a life that's filled with that kind of risk
But what if it hit
What if it ripped
What if I left it all behind because I don't want to live
But sometimes I do want to live
It's like a drift
Moving and swaying
If I can't figure it out is it worth staying
But I think about the pain
The constant rain
If I had no more days

I don't even know how that all came out

I think right now I've finally settled
But I better knock on wood because if I don't it will all probably crumble
I was supposed to have said goodbye to you but your memory floats around in my brain like a plastic bag that just caught the wind
I really thought I figured it out too
Like how is it that one person can change your whole outlook on life but would change her whole outlook just to please you
I still think it's my fault but I will never be able to get her side of the story
I want to close that chapter but I'm still waiting for the ending
I hope she can see me now because I'm finally living the life we talked about
I told her I wanted to change the world and she told me to go for it
I just wish I could have changed her world
If I wasn't so caught up with the ex I had we would probably still be together
That's only if she would still be alive today
Which is hoping for a lot
But I am content with things now which seems strange
My mind is usually all over the place that I can never actually calm down long enough to look around
And right now I'm blissfully at peace
But the date that shuts down my heart is coming up
I don't know whether to smile or rip my hair out on that day
Smile because I knew you and got a chance to love you
Rip my hair out because I lost you and let you slip away
I hate myself everyday and if you knew that you would be angry
You hated when I drowned myself in self pity
But what am I supposed to do
The thought of you not being here makes me weak in the knees and please just don't fade away in my brain
I deleted everything out of pure rage
I don't want to forget
Please don't go away
My heart is not stable
My brain is not able to take such a blow
And I know that eventually someone will come along and make me feel whole again
But for right now you still hold that spot
It's yours
I'm happy now
So happy
I just wish you could be here and be happy with me
We were in the same boat
Feeling the same emotions
Why is it that you did something about it and I didn't?

You take me in strides
I take you like doses of medicine
I make my past irrelevant
And you don't even bring your past along
Love breaks through the loneliness like cracks on a sidewalk
And I can see the grass grow
I form sentences in my head but never say them out loud
Obedience can be a disease
Suppression can **** the mind
Two wrongs don't make a right
But if you get lost you better ask for directions
Why do you have to do that thing with your eyes
Deflect
Deflect
Deflect
I can't see you in that way
The way the birds see the sky
And the way landscape sees an open horizon
I start to drink coffee even though it makes my heart race
Hands are meant to be sturdy
If you build a house you want sturdy hands
And you make my hands shake
The cracks in the sidewalk remind me that this earth is always moving
Shifting off kilter
Breaking down even the strongest matter
Heartbreak is like cracks on a sidewalk
But you are the grass that grows in between the cracks
And I can't even tell you how much I appreciate that

I remember the first and only time I was in love
Freshman year and had no idea what love was
I saw her walking down the hall and I didn't even know her name
But I knew that I needed to know her name
Is it crazy to say that I remember what she was wearing
Or how her hair fell perfectly on her face
I remember the first time she said "hi" to me
I was lost
But her voice set me free
She later became my best friend
And I wanted so badly to tell her
Tell her that I wrote songs and love poems about her
Tell her that she was the only reason I got up in the morning
Tell her that she made me feel more alive then every single breath I had ever taken
Tell her that I'd give up the right to see the moon and the sun as long as it meant that I could see her smile
And yet she had this control over me
I would do anything to get her to notice me
She'd tell me what to do and I'd come through
Walked through every hallway in order to find her
Pushed away all my friends so I could spend time with her
And when she pushed me away
I had to find a way to make her stay
Or risk losing everything
And when she stopped talking to me
I lost everything
While she was to busy finding ways to feel alive
I was slowly sinking into a hole of absolute darkness
Thinking that the only way out was to have her in my life
The only way out was to see her smile
To hear that she loved me
I remember the first and only time I was in love
I remember the way she made me feel alive
And the way she made me want to die
I remember holding her in my arms
The sweet scent of her hair
I remember how quickly she left my arms
How quickly the smell of her hair faded
So much pain and time wasted
On a girl who only wanted to hurt me
Love
Is a crazy thing

I can't help but think this is a curse
Day by day it just gets worse
All I want is to find myself
Trying not to be anyone else
And I find myself hoping
That maybe one day I'll be different
Even though I wake up and I'm the same
Am I good enough
Am I strong enough
Will people accept me
Or do I have to fight for love

I am at war with myself
Part of me wants to be someone else
The other part just wants to run
Run and run and run
Until I'm free
Break loose from these chains and hooks
That are tying me down
Until I can't breathe

I feel lost
I feel broken
Hope is slowly slipping
And I look up at the sky
Hoping for a better life
But thankful that I'm alive
Maybe someday I'll realize
What it truly means to be alive
To feel love again
And not let it slip away
To hold onto it and pray
Pray that it stays
Maybe someday I'll accept that fact that I can't change
Could that do possibly be today

I think about dying more often than I think about a future
And honestly it's really now or never
I know there are a lot of people that I can't leave
But lately I can't even breathe
So I try to push the thoughts away
Write down all the things I find hard to say
I need to make it through one more day
Otherwise it will be too late
Don't take this the wrong way
But I find it hard for people to relate
If I could just escape

She holds me firmly to the ground
Honestly I would be lost if she wasn't around
I can tell in her voice that she's concerned
So all I try to do is calm her down with my words
I don't want her thinking that I'll leave it all
But it's really only a matter of time before I fall
No one knows what's going on inside
It's crippling my bones how much I want to die
But then I picture her with tears in her eyes
I couldn't leave her the way I got left behind

My head is filled with moving pictures
All that end with same scene
I'm not even safe in my own dreams
I find it hard to care
Everyone around me is unaware
I just want my time to be over
No more steps forward
Only ones bringing me closer to my resting place
I don't want people to see me face to face
They will notice my unstable state

Life is no joke
I stopped laughing when love came around a 2nd time only to leave me stranded
My past has the upper hand and I don't even want to fight it off
I'm too damaged from the last war
My childhood still leaves me sore

So please, if you see me don't address the situation
I'm tired
If you get an invitation to my funeral I'm sorry
You were loved

I've been losing sleep
I think I'm in way too deep
Pull me out
And when I scream it doesn't make a sound
Dear anyone
How can I love you and not love myself?
The fire burns but I still love the smell
Would you hate me if I went to hell?
Dear anyone

Something has changed
I no longer have this desire to hold onto you
Everything that happened no longer haunts me
I've let go of you, the loaded gun that was constantly pressed to my forehead
The bomb constantly ticking but never running out
I used you to fill the cracks in my heart but you quickly became the knife that carved more
If love is disaster
You are the biggest storm
Winds and rain that came crashing into my home
Destroying everything that you knew I cherished
Words and promises have never been such poison
I now have to prepare myself
Prepare to deal with someone like you
Love is more than late night conversations
And early morning kisses
Love is the fondation we build off of
Love is overcoming every obstacle you face
Love is realizing that heartbreak is possible but still going for it anyways
Love is someone's greatest treasure and hardest downfall
You were once my greatest gift
Holding onto you would be like holding onto the thing that kills me
I could only blame myself for my demise
So goodbye

I once wanted to end it all
Tired of getting back up after every fall
I waited for the pain to just subside
But everyday it entered my mind

While my parents were fighting
I was running out of time
Told myself to just hold on
That I could do it
Just hold on

It slipped out to my best friend
In the 6th grade everything changed
A 6th grader dealing with suicide
I told her I wanted it all to end
That it just wasn't worth it anymore

When my parents found out we had a talk
They told me things would be different
That they would be different

I remember the promises they made
A week later those promises never existed
But my pain remained

I once tried to end it all
Sometimes I look back and wonder if I made the right choice
And when I fall
I'm afraid I wont get back up
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough
Those thoughts always enter my mind

I let my eyes blur when I think of her
Or that time my mom killed me with just her words
I stare into the abyss like I'm proud of it
Like I don't care that I feel this way
Like I can only breathe inside this pain
I disassociate
Like that time the love of my life killed herself
And I never asked for help
I just sat inside myself
Or that time I almost died in Massachusetts
And I use to wish it happened and I live with that
I think about that time in Colorado 2a.m when I almost didn't come back
These are the times I hate
I disassociate