listen to a higher love..but i cant find it
searching under rocks and hurdles that i create in my head unable to fill this.
questions circulate
the torture i place on my own plate
to eat and swallow like the shallow tears
that wont surface for over the years
I have hardened my jaded heart giving me solemn and yet peace
i have to learn to release,

release the pain, let go of the demon tht lies in wait
for me to give in and exhibit my inherited trait
selfish, not selfless like tht which i yearn for
draining good hearts and killing my own
fill this whole with what i own.

taking and taking leaving sludge of regret
listening to those demeaning voices in my head.
saying youre just like her you cant walk away
even when if it means

being alone possibly forever.

And there i was,
finding myself,
looking back the way i do

Disappointed in myself
not even a thought by you
a second thought is not
so collected

one so sure
one so lost
the latter
from the expected

scattered in a memory
thoughts of us intersept
keeping track of silent weeps
a chain reaction
reluctantly kept

a life is no life
filled with uneven breaks
in places unseen
a silent heartache

mime like movement
from to day basis
a smile
merely substance
filling spaces

passion drained
detached ship
passing shore to shore
no intention to re-grip

laugh! smile!
so easy it would seem

believe! have hope! and just let it be!
we cant show that side not now not me

let go of the hatred and anger for sure,
Id give no less than a bird would
to soar

this cant be your life it consists of no meaning
no dreams to escape in
no future worth leaning

fly away from the known
allow the queen to her thrown
for this is your life
and you paint it your own

sing songs of beginings,
dance a dance with no ending
live the life youve imagined
its your dreams tht are depending.

You did this! you know, this is me and I am you.
you twisted me like a bow, a pretty little accident,
you pulled me through

For you I wept, for you I made irreversible mistakes,
with little to no receipt,
there was rage and shame ,
little cracks and breaks

like a flower you watered my life
with ***** water, was all you had
so i had not but leaves dripping with fluid,
accepting life trying not to be sad,

I grew into this life form with ideals and dreams
as so i had not just come from a beautiful mess with little means

And here I am writing flaws about you and I my dear
when actually we have conquered, what you placed to subdue  fears.
your plan all along was to mold me to what you lacked
an anti you to which I grew exact.

I have grown with insane dreams,
love of beauty, and life pursuit,
all because you molded me into the brilliant,
Ideal other part of You.

I just wanna sing songs of greatness
Songs neglecting you in them
Words that elude immenseness
But transparent i am.

my morals are questionable
My thoughts inescapable
passionate shadows pass through my mind
gripping my heart stealing time
Places I go in my mind are darker than I am willing to share
so i keep them far away so i can see them there
close enough to see my smile
Far enough to evade the story behind
I wanna hear music that speaks my mind
that reaches out to you and wrenches your reluctant kind
When the beat hits the high note I hope it confesses your regress.
and forces a rue  thought of solace

Too much to say for only
one line
charming and deep
still
running short of time

ill take  a few moments
please awaken my soul
a verse or two,or three
to ease and fill this hole

quick witted
i claim
slow speeched
i convey
it seems everything in between
is meek
an easy role to play
mere uttered of words
of a beautiful girls regret
lacking of gerth im trying to convey
my role in life is set

fall onto paper
quotes
clear my aching brain
make me wise
make me sane

love me leave me
weeping with passionate tears
all for this the hope
of my dreams and
comparison of my life to theirs

is time to be silent. just still and listen to those words that sing to me memories.
the ones id forgotten about.
the buzz of the electric, like the buzz in my head
looping together , things that shouldnt be touching
strings through my heart and mind like steel thread

it seems to be getting no easier you know,
the part in my mind where i let you go.
id like to pretend that all is of well
when honestly it gets no better of a story to tell

days turned to months in a time when they were few
now every song book and love poem still reminds me of you,
skies of blue, skies of gray, all tend to lead me astray.

In my dreams I see your smile, and your eyes,
as unrealistic as it seems
they sing songs of old times
cries when i awaken cause its only in my dreams.

do you think of me i wonder
but it will stay one of my biggest blunders


life how you envision it is never what will be

greige skies that spill unto the ground
I missed thee
solemn silence  filling my notions
an unrequited love.
originality, I never recognized your precious glow.
But here in this light now I know,
Now I know.

She loved to watch you dance high and low upon the trees.
Dripping with possibility-- your pure yet peculiar honey.

Like a parched flower floating at sea,
He cringed yet indulged me.
I have not one hope,  one goal but each two or three.
unrealistic, nonsensical, surely naïve.

Still I go forth with pen in hand. head in heart.
pushing and clawing through
This impossibly intolerable, simple world,
all designed by you.

Do you even love me? What does it mean for you to love me? I am of your flesh. You created me with half of your dna. That doesn’t mean you have to love me though. I can tell you don’t. I don’t expect you to anyway, it’s ok. I’m a fifteen year old with an attitude, and I am kind of a slob. It makes sense why you would chose that man you’ve known for six months now over me. He likely tells better jokes, and he makes you happy. I remind you of obligation, the mouth you have to feed and the never ending list of responsibilities you have to me. Is that why you chose to put a potential relationship in front of my well -being? Do you know what it is like to walk the halls of a new high school every year of high school? I do. Its lonely. Because you had to see where that relationship would take you. I’m really not that good at any one thing. I talk too much, and my grades are average, if not below average. I could see why you wouldn’t believe me when I told you your fourth husband touched me. He told you he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable. Can you believe that? Uncomfortable. Now I’m promiscuous and have an eating disorder. Anorexia. I barely graduate high school because I stay out passed curfew. I know I’m a handful. A parental nightmare. I think I can see how you wouldn’t love me.

I didn't want to be this way
Nay I loathed those that were

I dreamt in color not pastels
I needed not another

The fear of being held in place
now treading through the sludge.

I cant recognize my own name
just what in the actual ****

I'm not the person I thought Id be
Do great things be carefree

I'm not myself I don't know who that is
Or who is actually me