I try, and try, and try, to unlock what's in my mind,
But no matter the words and combinations,
Nothing concrete takes form upon the paper.

I seem to have these unreal expectations that,
Like a great sculptor or painter, I
Will be able to flawlessly recreate every curve and
Every line of your face and body.

Worse, in my attempt I hope
To encompass what resides behind those gorgeous brown eyes,
Willing my words to replicate what makes you that one
I find so compellingly complex and special,
So different from the rest,
Who - in the simple act of being - makes me throw caution to the wind.

To think about you in this vein
Creates in me a block, a fuzz, a haze,
And my words cannot escape my brain to the page.

I sit here and think how I find everything about you as
Amazing, brilliant, wonderful - Vague -
But when I try to pinpoint words and exactly why,
I am lost beyond all and less than none, so
I will simply choose one -
You.

I hate the hot and
I hate the cold.
First its one and
Then its the other,
Jabanero
Doesnt quite describe the
Latent heat to
Your subzero Mr. Freeze depths
You sink to
That threaten to **** me
Every time they dive.

Your body's warmth
Laying silently there in bed.
Quiet and calming
As I lift the sheets to snuggle in,
Contouring my form to yours,
My heart to yours.

As I lay my head to the pillow,
I'm afraid to close my eyes
For fear that my dreams
Will never amount to real life.

Rose* from above came a jet of steam
My nose projected as if from a dream
Fault of my own caused a frown
Assault my pride and I drown
909, coin the term, it's Riverside
Join the crowd, we take a glide
Rain down from the heart
Pain inside as you come *apart

I simply think of you and it brings your face to mind.
I see your smile and the joy in your eyes.
I hear your laugh and feel your hug in my arms.
All of which makes me smile,
A real smile, a genuine smile -
And it's subtle too.

It comes from the inside, deep and hidden.
It shows in the slight upcurl at the sides of my mouth,
The lowering of my eyelids as
The eyes soften, warm, and light up -
Those day dreamy eyes.
The cheeks widen just a little, same as the mouth,
A faint lift that says -
My thoughts are nowhere near the here and now,
So please do not let anyone but you disturb.

When I look at you,
I see nothing but your eyes -
Those beautiful brown orbs -
And I hear your voice in song,
Singing as if only to me
From above on your stage.

What I feel is another story,
Of another genre entirely.
As I go beneath that creamy skin,
All the pain begins to resonate in a way
Your guitar can only imagine -
Every note from you contained within.

Are we talking the mental or the physical,
When the scars all stay the same
Whether they're tears shed
Or more drops bled by and by?
I see that false ecstasy
Overlaying that torment hidden within.

The pain of seeing boy after boy
Playing the game to gain
What you always know they want,
Hoping time and again that it's not.
Morning lies rise with the sun to wake you,
Acting as if you never knew.

When you get home,
Sitting in your room, curtains drawn
- The darkness a close friend -
Contemplating your railroad track arms,
Wondering how it got you from no to Yak to Smack;
How to catch the mainline to noon?

You arrive on time every time.
Climb aboard as you lay back,
Finding your secret ecstasy in this life of misery,
Wishing it didn't have to be this way,
Wondering why you let it get this far -
How do you find time for more?

But this time, from the dark of your room,
As you watch your stop come and go,
You take it one stop too far.
Keep to your seat and let the dice roll.
You've always known it to take the toll:
Seeing your feet submerge in the tar.

That beautiful white hue turns ice blue,
a color that has always become you.
Breathing slows and falls in line,
Same as the rest it knows best -
This drowning has been long time coming -
And it's not scary as you thought it could be.

So now you climb to the front of the bus,
Driver says, "Sorry, ***, they're no return trips",
But as the door opens, the light blinds in.
Sirens blare and voices begin,
Surging into motion returning you to withdrawl reality.
Voices from Angels of men, giving you one last chance to live again.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad
How I find myself drawn inexplicably towards
Images and instances of you which still cause so much pain.

Moth to the flame - it's just nature - might explain this need found in me,
And I can't help but find the utmost pleasure
As I rub more and more salt in the wound,
Following each and every round with a squeeze of lemon
To add some spice and variance to the exquisite fair
That I have been feasting upon with my soul.

Try and deny it as I might,
It is in the depths of this despair that I delight.
Seeing your name is a shock and a stab
Of emotion that cuts so poignant and so true,
A breath of fresh air that makes me feel boundlessly alive
Inspite of the abyss it creates inside.

Ive taken a deep breath
And a few steps back.
Ive taken a good look at myself
And want to revive
And revitalize
All that I am to you.

Born again might be the term
Used to describe all that Ive been
Through.

I want to be with you
Oh so bad.
I want to be your happy
And he who rids you of your sad.

I want that to be me.

You stand at the crossroads,
You thought you had it all.
Now that you've been brought low
You see the story's whole.
Left with your heart - no soul -
Wasted time while you've grown old.

Your whole world is face based.
Whatever you hoped to gain
And all that you've laid to waste,
Is due to the fact that
You thought you could get by with a pretty face.

Now since it's the path you chose,
Please, don't let me disabuse you,
As you enjoy the cause and effect.
Be it the pleasantries
Or if it's all the pain.

You made your way through life,
You did it all.
Men, money, mansions, more -
You had no wants,
You had the world on hold
While you held your court.

Riding around, one guy to another
From rags to riches, and then back to rags.
Riding your fortunes as a swell on the seas.
Walking the streets for money,
And sitting sweet on Daddy's dollar.

In time, the years wore on:
The parties went, a storied song,
The nights were long with drinks aplenty,
Debauchery and fun, so was your motto,
And when the party was over,
You, the only, not left sober.

Left to feel your pain,
Left with all you squandered
As you wear that eye-shadow - I believe the color is called regret,
Something that is so unbecoming on you,
Only eclipsed by that scowl,
Remembering days when you were stunning.

I feel the fire, and it burns deep from the inside.
Our words fired with all the hate and anger
Of long hours made of days and weeks of pain
Pent up and held to the point of bursting.
This flood that we unleash upon each other,
One insult stinging always more painful than the last,
Has been in the making from the day our feelings became clear.
Our lives and lifestyle choices; at once so different,
Yet our hearts so star-crossedly aligned that
The Gods above must surely laugh at our plight.

The words that you spit and the tone you use
Drive venom deep in my veins as any fang could,
And that iridescent pain blooms beneath my skin.
In return I barb my own voice with similar poisons,
If nothing else hoping to hit you with spite
To try and assuage the ruin you have made of my heart - and pride -
Though I know down inside that I am at fault
Just as much if not more than you,
But at this moment I find myself unwilling
To admit such thought as anywhere near true.

And when all is said and done I would regress if I could,
But the words have been said and our course is set.
We have cast our nets fashioned of anger and spite
Out upon the waters, now we must deal with our catch.
Nothing to be done but continue upon our path
As I see no possible route to digress,
And return to our days when the only three words
That mattered in this world between us were
"I love you".

Keys into the ignition
and fire it up with a rev.
Feed it some gas,
letting it warm-up preshift.
First you've got to put it in reverse
as we back it up to pull out.

Isn't it a pretty thing when she growls,
the way she bites back when you jump the shift?
That's what love is, you see it,
and sometimes it isn't so bad.

The two of you are moving on,
feeling the tires warming up on the road,
and ever so slowly you take it into second from first.
The wheels perking up at the sense of your touch,
knowing you need the trained response,
reciprocated by delicately working into third.

Its a beautiful thing when she growls,
the way she fights back when you jump the shift.
That's what love is, I know you see it,
and sometimes special, it isn't so bad.

Out on the road and gathering steam, in the gathering speed,
that transition from third to fourth can go kind of fast.
The two of you thinking as one, becoming one,
and in this harmony on the fourth you're wed.
Two beasts to one accelerating on,
finding unity and resolution in fifth.

Its a thing of beauty when she growls,
the way she talks back, saying, "Wait for the shift".
That's what love is, that's the way I see it,
and in those moments it's never bad.

The two of you flying solo around the track
the way you were made for each other.
The competition might as well not exist,
each dedicated to the other in perfection,
breeding the future generations to lead,
to pass on these important lessons of love.

Its the most amazing thing when she growls,
her little clips as she corrects the shift.
That's what love is,
and its never bad.

Even after countless laps around the track,
after you're both gone and broken down,
it's enough to stay true to one another
and to reminisce about the good old days.
You're still her guy, and she's still your gal,
from the first time you opened the door, treat her well.
"You know it, you know I will".

If she happens to growl,
if she bites every now and again,
just know that's what love is,
strong through the good and the bad.

Let's get back into the mood of writing.
Let's get back into writing, just me and you.
Let's write ourselves a story, us two.
And let's give it that happy ending we've always wanted,
Because - between you and me - its what we were made to do.

I made a promise to you and I broke it.
Sitting here in the halls where I first saw you
Drives it home, God, how I know it.

Reflecting back on some of those moments,
Still so raw, they still make me flinch,
Time and again bringing blood to the surface
Despite how many times I've gone back to revisit.

It's so bitter and it's so sweet,
This intensity of emotion encapsulated in those days.

Passions so fresh in a world so new,
Forging paths in lands all but unknown,
Feeling more alive than either of us could have guessed at.

Now I live with more regret than I ever thought I could ever know,
Stealing breaths of life,
Revisiting those moments I felt most alive.

To answer your simple little question
I honestly just had to go and leave
It felt like the perfect punctuation

Stuck here in this hopeless situation
Constricting 'til my lungs no longer breathe
You make me long to fold to temptation

Everything that you and I had become
Blown hell and away with the monsoon breeze
I walked away leaving devastation

Life without you feels like amputation
But better that than die of your disease
To die of my own self-destruction

I folded and succumbed to my passion
You sat back and laughed at the simple ease
And there you left me burning and crashing

You blinded me with all your distractions
Ignoring any and all of my pleas
But now that my two feet gain some traction
I will be your angel of destruction

a

lonely figure still at work
toiling on 'til its no longer late
slaving away tirelessly
desk ridden past required hours
to finish what must be done
for the days to come

To see where the mind runs
And to see if its any fun.
To think and to be and to be around,
Following the mind, seeing what abounds,
Trailing the scent that was left behind,
Chasing the tail, leaving yours in kind.
This is how we deal with daily strife,
And this is how we live this day to day life.
Help me to see and help me to feel,
Find me a way into this heart of steel.
Steal me away from this kind of everyday,
Send me back the same old way.
But when I look inside,
Everything has changed,
As if you had looked in that mirror,
The one that sees and shines so clear
Showing the cuts clean through the rough.
All that is hidden deep within the self,
And then its back to me,
And now I'm running free.
Now we see the skies are shining.
That's how we'll be in times in between.
Comeback to it someday.
Swim in the moment
And drink in the thoughts.
Smile right and smile right back,
When all is said and all is said and done,
We'll leave it at that.

Alexis,
I don't mean to be sexist,
But I put you up on that pedestal.
It drives me crazy,
I go so wild.

Judgment day comes to you
And I watch you begin to tremble and wilt,
Slowly as you fade to blue,
Though its in this moment in which
That inner strength and fire is built up.

So as one like me steps up
- despite your thought and want to faint -
Your body and build of action and mind
Begin to rise, from inside, unseen strength,
So you rise as we go, step and step by.

One by one they flow and flow on together,
And as long as they go you can tremble and quiver,
For we will glide the wind around the floor,
Blown from form to form with frames so strong.
Its what we have built upon.

At the end of the night
I say this to you with the highest praise,
"The way you dance is like rain from the sky,
Gracefully down, so liquid, so lithe,
Go with confidence and you'll more that survive".

Distance.
Distance, distance.
I am a distance runner.
I love to ride my bike long distances.
I love to go on long drives in my car.
I love to go the distance.
But Dear God,
I hate the distance
That keeps me from you.

How I don't remember is something for laughs
That I don't remember kissing that pretty little lass
But waking up feeling like I had been making out for hours
Is something that truly makes me grin

That next morning my head was in a spin
The feeling of what I had done, but no memory to come
Or at least til later that afternoon
When that brief memory floated back to mind
I bust a gut laughing until my head was fine

The next thought to come
Was how exactly did this happen
What on earth had gone on
To make this long time crush
Straddle high, and get her freak on

A sort of flashbulb memory taking place that night
Leaving much to be questioned, and few if any answers
First, texting one girl saying her place in my heart was secure... blank
Second, locking lips with Miss "Who Do We Have Here?"... blank
Third, Miles feeding me was, though my mouth tastes like ***** and beer.
Absolutely illogical, this has got to be some big joke, crazy and weird

Dear God, or anyone who's listening
Please let me track down this girl to question
I don't even care for another repetition
Simply put, I'm going to ask, "How the hell did we get in that position?"
Hopefully she can and will fill in a good deal of all that's missing.

And I get to fall on my *** laughing.

The varieties of pain are more numerous than...
All of which bring their of versions of grief and anxiety.
Each to their own level has been known by me.
Sometimes as to make the body weep,
Others, the tired mind cries.
Though for me, the worst by far happens to be...

When the heart breaks mid-beat.
The pain is all mental
- searching for a reason why she left,
what about you failed to this level -
But the body in its entirety,
Grieves, as if under the aftermath of a burning assault.

It is the sorrow of a last loved one,
cut down in the prime of life.
It is the anguish of a Olympic race lost,
in the last ten pace.
Then bundled into one.
The ache I hold so strong.

I sit down in class,
Not to work,
But to write.

I sit down to write,
Not about the world,
Not about why.

I sit down in class,
Pen and paper in hand.
I sit down in class and
I never want it to end.

Yes, you heard me right,
I never want it to end
As I sit down to write,
Pen in my hand.

Class could go on, on and one
And on forever more
As I hang in those moments,
In a glance, and in a glance one more.

But, at the same time,
Could I
Live in those moments forever?

As glance by glance
You're in my eye,
Burnt into my mind
For when you're gone in time.

As I see,
That as we sit here in class,
You'll never notice me.
No more than you notice
How you tap your toe,
How I glance your way.

Stuck in these moments,
I slave away.
Breaking my heart
Each and everyday.

I need class to end
As soon as can be,
For in these waning moments,
I cannot come to say
Any of the words
To make you look my way.

With a semester already wasted,
Frozen in that moment,
This time becomes more precious.
I'm left with one question,
And that one is,

Can I pick the moment
To gain your attention from
The distractions of class?
Show my class,
And prove to you that
I'm the one.

I still find so much torment bred within
The attempt to reconcile myself with something
With which I have never been fine.

You and I were no longer together,
And though I saw it coming
I told myself different,
Which did nothing to prevent the eventuality, the fruition,
The end result came about all the same.

You fell in love with my best friend,
It was inevitable.
He said the two of you knew that it was wrong,
But he wanted to tell me, and to ask all the same,
And to his shock, disbelief, and relief, I said it was fine.

Yes, I know it was a lie,
But if I had said no it would have happened regardless -
If there's one thing in life I know
It's how things like these go, the feelings take over -
So I said no, it's fine,
So that maybe you two might find the happiness that eluded you and I,
And I'll go my way and hope to find mine,
Without you two having to worry and hide,
And to deny those feelings I saw
Before either of you two knew what it was.

And now I still find myself trying to make it ok in my mind,
When all I find is pain when you come to mind.
One day, one day I will be ok,
But until then this is something I will bury and hide,
Until the day I find that things are alright,
And I can be happy for the love you two did find.

When you come back,
Let's go down to the water.
We'll walk by its side.

We don't have to talk
- let our feet go wander -
Just smile inside,
Our heart's grown fonder.

Fingers interlaced,
Thinking of the future
When we'll reminisce
About when we were younger.

dont hurt for me as
I have hurt for you
thats like someone else
exacting revenge for me
that I did not want to
put upon you

the future is bright
and in time
we can make these blemishes fade
though they will still remain
with the shine off our present
things can and will be
better than we've ever known
hiding what you and I
have done to We

How is it to be
Me, when I cannot write?
When I cannot quite seem
To dream the words to convey...
Onto the page?

What is it to be
A writer who cannot write?
I feel like one in a squeeze
I cannot breathe and turn
To rage.

I think and think and
Turn my brain.
It twists and turns, it rains and storms,
But when with words
Its rent and torn, spent and worn.

The gift is gone.
The inks run dry.
The apple of my mind's eye
Has evaporated away,
And I am left, spinning cliche.

I speak
And I see
And I feel
And I know
But most of all
I know
It makes me
The being who I be
And that makes me
Me
And it prevents you and me
It prevents we
From being me
It keeps me original
As original as that first sin
As Adam and Eve
Conceiving
Just what it means
To be as human being
As you and me, My Lady
And if as God decreed
That Love is blasphemy
Then strike me down
And set me free
For in this awful life
I don't want to be

Little One, my love,
my heart, my world.
My love for you
and its strength for you
has power beyond words
that will never let go.
It will not shrivel and be gone
when the paper has devolved
back to its roots
when time out of mind
has worn it down to none.

The insanity
that seizes me
is fertilized by your past actions
and incubated in my head,
growing and growing
'til it can no longer be contained.
Then I burst out as crazy
to vent all my mind,
to build anew
in that space left vacant.

As I feel by turns spurned
and then jealousy in return,
on and off that keeps
the wheels of this evil complex
moving.
That jealous want
to have you to my own,
to be with you,
and to be all to you, causes my downfall in your eyes.

And I am left with love
as I try to continue to be good
to you and your needs
at such this distance.
I love you
- it feels as my only function -
and its all I ever want to do.
And then you let me go

If things could have been predicted
And I knew the words I would have said,
I would have taken any chance given
To take them back unsaid, things not needed,
Words that should have been unheeded,
And our lives left in harmony.

We found that night the deadly edge distance breeds,
Driving each other well beyond breaking.
Waking with headaches and a relationship beyond repair.
Through your tears and mine it became clear -
The impasse we reached that day will always be with me.

A lesson in temperance, to patience under strain.
Life had faded without your light.
Everything has been more than great, more than I deserve,
But the brights no longer shout as loud
As when I took it in with you by my side.

The world outside -
A bright summer's day,
But what hides behind those words
Is dark gray reality.

I watch and learn with every word,
And I see what it means
To truly be and to live.
I begin to want to live to be -
If nothing else - I want to be
Good enough for you.

You make me want to be better
That's what is said,
That's all there is to be said.

Despite my words and wantonness,
And despite what I might not have,
I can be all that you need,
And with your guidance and your help,
I can make the most of you,
And in return, you can make something more of me.

I see you and the inner opportunity,
I see you and I see the best of me,
I see your eyes and I see your heart,
I see everything in and of you,
And it makes me want to be more.

I would ask you out to a movie or so
But the rules of respect mean I cannot.
I see your face and I am caught out,
Dry mouth and a lack of words,
Fewer thoughts in return.

I hear your voice and I stop,
Held in spot, lingering in your waves.
All I want is to turn and gaze -
To look you up and down,
To look and return to gaze on your face.

As its always been,
Those amber eyes hold me fixed
As those fields of silk
Meet with waves of red,
That kiss of milk
Overlaid by the lash of ink
- the way I wish I could grace
the surface of your body
and learn you the way I know mine,
To feel you the way you're on my mind.

Then to ponder the inside;
To learn you, to study you,
All of the wants and wishes hidden behind -
Behind those gorgeous liquid eyes.
Iris flare, a sparkle there,
And all of the encoded meaning
Of that smile so genuine:
Sometimes so coy,
At other so wry.

Your words and voice
- to taste those lips would be my delight,
oh so sweet, the forbidden fruit -
Slithering so smooth,
Deep inside to the hidden recesses,
Feeling that whisper soft skin
Unlocking every trigger of my mind,
Kissing me back,
Hinting at the secrets that
Leave me dumb and blind,
Leaving me immune to any and all
- except you, except you.
Secrets that I could only imagine,
Though that's only where it begins
As I fall to you, again and again.

After that last fall,
I never thought to feel this way again,
Wishing to get lost like my hands,
Now tangled in you hair
Having caressed up your back,
Tracing every inch of you without a care,
And those soft waves of flame
An echo of what smoulders inside -
I can see it, behind those eyes,
As your scent permeates my nose, captivating sight,
Pulling my eye to yours,
Calling without a doubt
To find your eye in the crowd,
Afraid of what mine will give away.

You're the last girl I expected to lay me out,
But you've dropped me, laid me low.
From here on my back,
The mind pleasantly going slow
- recollection doing double-time,
retracing every detail.

Its in the way you stand,
The way your feet hit the ground.
Its everything in your pose:
Its your squared hips,
The power and electricity that ripples down,
Its there in that hint of skin,
Your brightness is dazzling to my eye,
Its in you waist and the slight arch of you back,
Telling me, "Baby, you don't know it but you're out of your league",
I see it sliding up your chest to the hold of your shoulders,
Confidence brimming in every motion,
Its in the fine curve of your neck up to your chin,
That faint hint of a smile at the corner of your lips,
That fiery energy lighting up your face,
And its that passion intensifying in your eyes,
To the top and a graceful fall of hair back to your shoulders,
Gliding smooth skin down your arms,
Fingers dying to entwine mine in.

Its everything you are and its how I see it
From here where I stand.
Its everything you do and its how I see see you move
From here where I stand.
Its everything that has captivated me born
From the way you stand.

When you cease to talk to me
I feel empty more than you imagine
My life seems to drain away
I sit and wait for you to call
Or drop me some long awaited text message

Then does my heart rejoice
Trying to slow my return text

Oh, she replied in 15 minutes
That means I have to wait at least 45
Eh, I managed 35, let's do it anyways
And thus we continue our beleaguered talk

I want to be near you
To talk in person
But without a prepaid gas card
That will definitely not happen
Though every weekend just might be possible

I will do my best to be around you
But my lips will invariably stray
Wandering away from you is unquestionable
Though how often is up for debate
I will do my best to make it less than once a week

I'm sorry for quitting you so quickly
I must be the biggest freak
That you have ever met

Do you remember it like I do?
All the way back to the first time I met you -
Who is that girl across the party?
And what can I do to get her to talk to me?

I approach and say "hi", and that's how we began the night.
Fast-forward to the end as we said "goodbye".
You turn to leave from my arms
And turn back to give me a quick kiss.
From that night on I was lost.

Jump ahead a few weeks in time,
And you, my love, you had become mine,
You and those Bright Eyes.
Never in my life had I felt so alive
As I did during my time with you.

Bring sweet summer's sorrow,
When I had to part from you,
But it came with this pain,
And I began to realize that I couldn't bear to be without you,
That I began to realize that -
                    I Love You

I loved you with the airy, silken touches of Heaven,
And I love you with the seven fiery passions of Hell.
Soft and gentle like the wind;
Reckless and the raging of my devils within,
And I love you still.

How could I not with all we've been?
How we grew to know each other?
In the end all that matters
Is that I look back and smile at you,
Thinking of the happiness we shared together.

I burn within the confines of my own personal hell.
I built up the walls and I created the rules,
Each and every torture is one of my own creation,
Hand-picked and prepped for maximum potency,
And after so long and becoming so familiar with all that I've made here,
I've become too comfortable to leave,
Too complacent to venture out and see
What the world might hold in store,
Afraid that it could well be everything I need,
Afraid it will render this extravagant prison of mine useless to me.

From a further vantage I sit and look at
The spot on the rocks where we sat
Overlooking the ocean and watched the sunset.

In that same spot for hours we just sat and talked,
And for time we didn't, just enjoying the company.
Then it was sunny and the end of summer.
Now the clouds are in and the rain is coming.
One storm has passed and I can see the next on the horizon coming.

The air and waters are calm for the moment
But there's more to come.
I can see the rains.
They're coming down thick out in those squalls
Yet to come ashore and share their fury.
Give it time and they will arrive.
No need to rush, each in its own time.

But in odd contrast, yet fitting,
I see the sun fighting through the thick clouds.
No blues skies yet but enough gleam to tell
That they will return after
The storm has blown itself out.

Incisive words dissect me,
Open me up for you to see
What was really inside.
You pried me apart still alive
Just to watch me squirm and writhe.

I could see it in the cast of your eyes.
You were obviously hurt by my actions, and
You wanted to see the exact moment when
That knife hit home inside,
To strike out at the one who has been
The source of all your woes.
A violent lashing out of a wounded soul,
One who is cornered with no way out.

You hit home. Yes, you hit your mark.
To some extent I did earn that barb.
But those exact words?
I think you went too far.

You say you've held back with me,
Well I've played that same game as well.
There have been times in our long, drawn-out history
Where I had some words to say,
Which I then tempered to remove
A large portion of the sting.
This time around,
You let me have it straight out, by and large.
You made me want to tell you out,
To return the favor, same for same.

But no, that will not be the way.
I'll keep it to myself and refrain
From loosing anymore inflammatory words
Into the air between you and I,
          Because I still do care.

My feelings have done anything but abate,
Merely changing, evolving to something else.
Because of this, I will hold back, as
Anything I might say in this second
Would be tainted with anger and spite, and
You and I need anything but that.

I love you.
Your words make it hard to believe
That they came from someone
Who I might care for.

I am Immature. I do not dispute hat.
I did not know how to handle
The situation in which we were placed.
I did not know what to do, so
I ignored you because I could not afford
To give in to these emotions towards you,
Especially when I am unexpectedly exposed
To you and then left in close proximity.

It would be all too easy to fall
Back to my original mentality towards you,
Held back as it already is with a failing veil.
          I love you.
I am just not in the right place
To give you fully everything you deserve.

So, in the Immature fashion of who I am,
I did the only thing I could
To prevent my exposure to my own emotions -
          I shut it out. I shut you out.

It was the worst route. I know that now.
It's clear to me. I heard it in the anguish in your strangled voice.
I panicked, and I did what I know.
I reverted to what's programmed in me.
I repressed everything. I ignored you.
          Because it kept me from feeling those words.

          I Love You.

I am sorry. It will never be enough.
You are the world to me.
I will never be enough. I will never be able to prove that.
I am nothing of what you deserve.
I deserved your every word.

When I thought this class would never get better
You     glanced yourself into my life.
Minutes in, and the monotony had already begun to wear,
The clock arms paralyzed with my stare.

The Charlie Brown speeches coming from the front,
This created confusion,
Dissipates when I see you look my way.
And for that brief moment,
Everything in life seems all right.

Then it's back to the grating of class,
The drone of the drone at the head of the mass,
- At least for the time being -
Until I chance another glance in your direction,
Or you unknowingly glance in mine.

Waiting
For only the brightest of days
His return to dry her cheek
In this surreality did they meet

The whisper of a tear went dry, no eyelid shudder
He thought if anyone else knew this love he might die
One breath caught and then another
Reality rubbed at his shoulder
Temptation was unbelievably believable

Star-crossed you could call it
A fateful phrase not oft spoken
Youths lie, cheat, and steal for this token
Destined for love with bounds unbroken

She falls and is caught in his arms
His decision, Never do her harm
If only her could do better
Her body, light as a feather
He knew
She knows

The whisper of a tear gone dry, no eyelid shudder
He thought if anyone else knew this love he might die
One breath caught and then another
Reality brushed at his shoulder
Temptation was unbelievably believable

So choose and lose yourself wisely
Her eyes gave him no semblance of choice
Ever deeper assured their answer
Causing neither price nor sacrifice
Because their secret was worth keeping
Locked behind the eyes of the girl

The whisper of a tear gone dry, no eyelid shudder
He thought if anyone else knew this love he might die
One breath caught and the another
Reality pulled at his shoulder
Temptation was unbelievably believable

So unbelievably believable

The mind drifts,
Away and away,
To that far away place
Where my Heart stays.
It resides with you
In that place I long to be.

Here in class we chit and chat:
We gabble in Spanish,
We scribble in writing,
We yammer in literature,
And we run for sport,
But no matter the distraction
My Heart escapes.

To thoughts of you
It goes to wait.

It's been long since I've last seen snow,
Something near a full two years or more.
I've still got an assortment of gloves, jackets, pants and gear
But there's still the tingle of a nervous fear.
Then again, that's there at the beginning of any trip.

Last time was a trip at night up the lifts under the lights -
My first time ever and so far my last.
Let's see what I remember and how I do.
If I remember -  as all men do - I did pretty **** good for a beginner.
So we've got to pick up right there
Ad get even better.

This trip up looks to last a little longer
Than that one evening that was spent out in the white.
We'll get a hotel, or maybe sleep in the car,
And spend a few days up on the mountain.
Get away from this SoCal brown and sand
For some much needed R&R;
In a white winter wonderland.

I've never been big on the cold, but I love snow.
It's weird, I know.
But this time I plan to try and enjoy it all.
To go spend time in the purifying white,
To go scour my lungs clean in the clear, frigid air,
And most of all spike my body from the lack of adrenaline
By flying up and down the mountain.

I'm ready for the snow. I'm ready for the white.
I'm ready to get away from everything that's been going on down here.
I'm ready to let go.

Back to the band
Its time to put this to an end
We are no more
Its what I don't need
Don't worry the score
A brief flash again in my life
A brief revival of what used to be
But I force myself to see through
Thoughts of a revival of me and you
Time to return from this mental revery
Time to return to what is important
Time for what's important to me
I'll stop thinking, let my mind go wander
You do your thing, pretend you're younger
I broke you then
No need to allow you to return the favor
Best of luck to you in life
I'll take my dice and run
Roll a chance on someone better understood

So its back to the band
Its back to where I began
Back to where I belong
Now you run along
I'm sure I'll see you in time
After what was has passed us by

The poison has run its course
And has worked its way out.
Removed itself from my veins
And once again, my brain is mine.
The wound has healed
And the pain has long absented.
Visible on the surface they may not be,
The scars still remain
Long past when you have passed.

I continue to wear those beads of Rosary
As a symbol against your blasphemy
Against that Religion of Love
I had built for you.

May they ward off future evils
- Like a crucifix for a monk -
Against the Church of Heart
That had taken you in as a friend
Where you became so much more;
Through your every sinister'y action
That I could not dream profane.

And now, to all, I close my doors
Be they devout, divine, mundane,
In fear of the failure of my Love
I had built for you.

I know you don't read my poetry,
So I don't think you'll ever see
What I write here about you,
And what you mean to me.

I know you don't want to be with me,
And I know that I don't deserve you
After everything I put you through,
And all that we've been through.

We'd fight, we'd argue,
Then I'd break up with you
- Or we'd resolve our issues -
And I'd still love you.

What went down then
Will never happen again.
I got lost in life
And went astray.

But now that I've gotten away,
Away from that, away from frat,
Away from Death and gotten my life back,
I see you're all I want, nothing but that.

But I know from what you say,
And despite how I've grown and how I've changed,
To be everything to you and more
Is a precious chance I'll never have again.

The horizon's dark with cloud
As I sit here perched,
Watching those tempests roll and thunder,
Lashing their furies on the water.
Ever closer they approach,
Though who am I to reproach their course?
It's well founded and steadfast.

The rains begin to fall, and the winds to call.
My name is heard above the din.
Strangely resonant with your voice,
The one I once loved and knew,
Oh so well, the things I could tell.
And the rains descend, torn from Heaven.

The last rays of sunset obscured
As the dark drives on towards me,
And I let it come and take me, unmoving.
I let it rip and whip and tear.
It roars and rages, thunders and rampages.

And when all is said and done,
Just like you,
When this storm's fury is gone, abated,
I am left standing, the ground beneath my feet - consecrated.

Deep, Dark, Swirling, Twirling environments,
Endless Palaces containing dreams and yearning.
Such Earthy orbs alive and rosy flush
with Petals abounding ever so lush.

Intriguing whirlpools - spin Thoughts, Emotions,
Exude intelligence from inner fire,
Radiant, Joyous, or instilled with ire,
Encompassing more than the world's oceans.

Precisely, The Image of Perfection,
Created as if of Angel fashion.
On the surface, Sparkling, Shining, Dreaming,
In the depths, Loving, Hating, Desiring.

Born and formed of these Eternal Gardens,
All trapt within your breath-taking Lenses.

A fool and a coward are no match for a man's game
I feel like a great shame in my very bones
Knowing I have claimed to play the game better than many
When in truth, frozen solid is the way I mostly play
The goal is chosen out
The perfect line is set
And when it comes time to throw
I do not even chance to let the dice go

To clear my name of such deceptions
I must make words into my ways
And add even more to that
Day nor night will stop me
From removing the taint from my name
Even if I am the only to see it
Failure cannot be my ally this time
Or it shall be for the rest of my living days

talk to me baby boo
thats what you need to do
I cant help but be hurt
when secrecy is what you call overt

talk to me and respect me
as a real human being
for thats how you solve and resolve
problems between the ones you love

I just want to know the truth
and then I wont hurt anymore
even if its not what I want to hear
thats a part of life

if its that youre going north
or getting back with him
let me in
and I wont be quite so abrasive

what is the truth between me and you
because I want to know
but my questions is
do you?

I was breaking up with you
In my head
- tearing my soul from yours –
And I didn’t know why?
You had always been amazing to me
All of my life.
But I felt the need
To get out and be free,
To live the life I thought was expected of me.
At times you were crushing me,
So I decided
               Just Let Me Be
And I drove to your house

I sat on your bed.
I had the nerve to wake you,
7am on a sunny day,
After a long night of the fraternity
- drinking and carousing with who-cares-what sorority –
In order to break the news.
And there you sat,
First angry, then shocked,
Then trembling
As the words, you lacked.

I was sober.
You were crying.
After long,
At last,
We had said all our words,
And I stood up and went out the door.

I walked around the corner and down the front steps,
And that’s where my resolve collapsed.

I dropped to the curb
Having been stabbed in the back;
Not by you, but me,
As I tried to keep my supposed path,
But to you, I could not turn my back.
So I sat there and watched
The world blur
As my tears dropped to the curb,
Eventually working up the nerve to give you a ring.

Thank god you picked up.
And I confessed to you
I had no idea what I was doing,
That I needed you for all the world.
So you came out and met
Me on that wet
Curb,
Picked me up and went inside.
Our lives not yet to divide.

I see the storm.
That darker patch of grey on the horizon ruffling the waters,
Darker than all of the rest.
It is slowly moving my way,
Towards shore.

It will get here by evening.
At the moment it is calm.
The air is hardly moving
And the waters are flat.

Yes, the token ripples move
As the surges come through,
But otherwise it's peaceful.

Cool winter air breathes.
The sands are dimpled from
Last night's rain,
Undisturbed other than a
Lonely pair of footprints.

A single sailboat marks the harbor entrance.

The storm will get here by evening.
But  for the moment
I will enjoy the peace and clam.

One storm has passed.
The other is yet to come.
But at the moment
All is peace.
All is calm.