Dear sickness,
I couldn't carry her up the stairs.
Her weight was unbearable and she lay limp in my arms.
Dear chemo,
She really did lose all of her hair.
We would go out in public and people would stare.
She wore a wig but still, I knew.
Dear limbs so skinny,
I watched her walk down the hallway using her walker.
My father clutching her arm, guiding.
It broke me in two, to see the jutting bones.
There was nothing left of her.
Dear insanity,
I remember the night she called to say goodbye.
She thought she wasn't going to last another day,
After all... the nurses were out to get her,
and she didn't understand why she had to take so many pills.
Dear rotting tumor,
You had been growing for over a year in her brain.
Taking up space where there should have been healthy cells growing.
You took away so much, the little things,
the big things, the important things...
The heart and soul of things.
Dear growing pains,
I realized what it meant to age quickly,
To grow up sooner than you are ready.
I did it, and I'm still here.
My mother's still here,
although some parts of her
will never be the same.

All I wanted was a cigarette.
We weren't allowed to smoke.
He knew where to go.

We swept sidewalks together.
Raked sand together.
Talked about life together.

His window was across from mine.
I think he saw me changing once.
Maybe more than once.

He was getting dishonorably discharged.
I didn't think he was a good man.
I didn't think he was a bad one, either.

It had been two weeks since I landed in Monterey.
I only wanted a cigarette.
He knew where to go.

I bought the Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.
He carried them with him to his room.
I didn't think anything of it.

We raked sand together.
We ate lunch together.
We watched movies together.

We sat on a makeshift bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
We drank and smoked and laughed.
I taught him Farsi and he taught me Russian.

Russian for "hello" and "goodbye."
Russian for "This is allowed."
Russian for "This is not allowed."

I think he saw me changing once.
He tried to kiss me on the cheek.
I told him no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much.

We smoked some more.
We drank some more.
We laughed some more.

It was 2130.
I had to be in my room by 2200.
He said not to worry, I'd be back in time.

I insisted and tried to leave.
I fell to the ground.
He didn't help me up.

I only wanted a cigarette.
He kissed me on the mouth.
I did not kiss him back.

I was immobile.
Paralyzed.
Drugged?

He kissed me again.
And again.
And again.

I did not kiss him back.
I had a boyfriend.
All I wanted was to smoke and drink and laugh.

He grabbed me by the ankles.
Pulled me over the ditch behind the army barracks by the installation fence.
I could hear soldiers coming back to their rooms.

I was paralyzed.
I always thought I would fight.
Fend him off with car keys stuffed between my fingers.

I looked up at the tree branches above me, my watch said 2147.
That was the last time I prayed to God.
There were leaves in my hair and dirt on my arms.

There was something less than a man between my legs.
It looked at me with hate in its eyes.
We swept sidewalks together.

God kicked back and swigged a PBR
     while I was ***** behind the army barracks,
     over the ditch by the installation fence.

He helped me up.
I couldn't stand on my own.
How sweet.

I vomited by a tree.
I was disgusted with myself and him and God.
I wanted to drown in Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.

He walked me to my barracks building.
How sweet.
I made it to my room by 2200.

All the girls watched me stumble down the hallway.
I was so violently alone.
Taps wailed outside the window.

I left my hat by the bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
He brought it to me the next morning.
How sweet.

I forgot the lyrics
I forgot the melody
to the song called love

Sing me the song
old lover
sing me the song
old friend
How did they drown
that night?

the two lost lovers
did drown at midnight.
They drowned in the middle of the night.
they fought for love
they fought for life eternal.
true love brought them together that night
they took each others hand, said lets go skinny dippin
for the very last time.

See they were rebels,
they were fighters
who wanted for their love.
And they got caught,
skinny dippin at night
they held each others hands tight
and Never let go...

You see I forgot the tale
of the two dead lovers
that were starry eyed
Held fate in their hands
and decided to swim for love.
Yet they both drowned
holding each others hand.

Lets remember not to fight
lets remember not to love
for the two dead lovers
did sadly drown
at night

I want to live
not for you,
or anyone else
I am greedy
I am selfish
lets forget how
to love and never look back
at the two lovers
who did drown

no one told them it was the place
that we watched the water go by -
sat, for hours,
and watched the water go by.

nobody said it was the spot where i started to move on from the boy i loved
and where you stopped caring what your father thinks.

it's the spot where we sat in the roots of trees
and smoothed sand off of purple river stones.
it's the spot where the old lumber mill had been decaying,
and where the kids would go when they were too old for the playground.
it was where the stray dogs poked around in the rubble and the lumber scraps
and where the stray cats fought and made love.

no one told them it was where we sat
and planned out our lives together -
a pair of girls with too-long legs and our hair askew
whose clothes were covered in paint
and whose hands where used to climbing the tree behind the bakery.
no one told them it was our spot,
our best-friend soul-speaking spot.
nobody said that it was spots like these
that hold the heart of our little town,
our artistic-afterthought town
with its peeling-paint coffee shops and friendly passersby.

they built concrete trees over our spot on the river,
an ugly corporate jungle.
they put grey bricks in the sand and shoveled away the purple river stones
and dug up the roots of our trees,
and now we'll have nowhere to watch the water tumble by.

no one told them it was the spot, our spot,
and no one will remember it but us.