Memories haunt me
Experiences at such a young age
Linger like ghosts

With my father in the river
His hand on my shoulder
Walking behind me down the hall
He was always possessive
It still is hard for him
To let go of what is his
But he didn't seem to have much trouble
Leaving
Without saying goodbye
In reflections
I didn't see him standing there
I saw him in me
His face overlapping mine
He had a head on his shoulders
But his feet never touched the ground

Where could I go
When I was afraid of home?
So thankful to leave that
Haunted house
Behind
Where monsters didn't live
Under the bed
But slept in the room
Down the hall

Late night, early morning drives
The time when I wonder
How close I can get to death
Without dying
Sitting in a vessel
Much safer than my body
My mind can't help but wander
To other places
Intentionally placing my design
In the hands of the outside
I feel empty
Light enough to float
Yet slight enough to fall
Your smell
Still lingers on my sheets
But what will it matter
In an instant
Oncoming traffic
Fraying the string that
The Fates so diligently measure
But there's always that force
That pulls me back again
-- although unwillingly --
Knowing that I do not control
The evasion of death

They say the apple doesn't fall
Far from the tree
But my oak is broken
Falling apart, bark splitting
Even the leaves leave the branches
Anticipating the trunk to timber
And fall
But you, my brother, will be there
The seed, the sapling
To hold our family together

Nine months
Seems like years since I've seen you
But only days stand between you and me now
And with that first glance
I know all my fear and sorrow will evaporate
From my being
And instead I will cling to you
For you are much warmer
Much wiser
Than what previously held onto me

I will release those things willingly
For your tweed suit jackets
Your round glasses
Thick beard
And ancient knowledge
I will welcome the man who knows me
And reminds me who I am
When I don't realize that I am lost
For nine months is much too long
But only a
few
more
days

I'm tired
Tired of feeling this way
Tired of fighting
Of trying
Of lying
That I'm fine

I want to sleep
For days
But dreams haunt me
Daunting

I'm treading water
Drowning, drowsy
In a vast pool
Of memories
Experiences
Emotions
Suppressive weights
Heavier than the
Sleep
That draws my eyelids
To a close

Fighting to let myself
Drift away
Fighting to keep
My eyes open

But I'm too
****
*Tired

Do you remember
Our first date?
I spent so long
Deciding what to wear
Cliche, I know
But I couldn't help it
I felt like a little girl
Had been quite some time
Since I felt like that
And I loved it

You picked me up
In your beat up car
I loved so much
You wore a red striped button down
And took time
To make your hair look nice
Such boyish charm
It was something I hadn't
Seen in you
Before
And I loved it

I was so nervous
Didn't want to say the wrong thing
But probably said too much
We talked about our dreams
Our goals
And everything in between
While we held hands across the table
And sheepishly looked away
While we ate
We sat long after we finished eating
Because I got carried away
In a story
You smiled, never said a word
And I loved it

You tried to kiss me
Remember?
It took everything in me
To say no
You always were persistent
But it was a different kind
Of persistence then
So sweet and innocent
Nonjudgmental, unassuming
sincere
And I loved it

We ate ice cream
And talked
And sat in that beat up old car
You looked at me
The way every girl wants to be
Looked at
Gave me that bashful grin
And I couldn't resist
I surrendered in that instant
To you
We stayed out late
Not caring about
Tomorrow's obligations
And I loved it

We laughed when the car
Wouldn't start
You were so embarrassed
And vulnerable
Remember?
I miss that
You were everything I had wanted
That first date
Was perfect in all its flaws
And I loved you

Defeat
I hate nothing more
Call it juvenile
Call it a flaw
It probably is
But aren't we all a little flawed?

I broke down
I ignored it
For quite some time
Tried to tell myself
Everything was okay
I knew I was lying
But telling the truth
Would admit defeat
And I couldn't do that

I can't say it did me harm
Admitting it
But maybe that's because
I can't feel a thing
Anymore
Long talks, sleepless nights
Advice I didn't want to hear
And finally,
I didn't have a choice
Defeat

I submit
To that ******* pill
Every ******* morning
And I hate it
I absolutely hate it
For now
Soon I won't know the difference
Between hate
And like
And love
But I feel better

What is better?
When I no longer
Think the way I used to
Speak the way I used to
Write
Read
Cry
Love

I was cold before
But now I'm just
Lukewarm

I need a win
Any small victory
Amidst these losses
Continual letdowns
Consecutive defeats
Constant calamities
When will it end?
I dress in armor,
But it does no good
For every time I attempt
To repair one impairment
A gust of misfortune
Knocks yet another
Piece out of place
Is it too much to ask
To find myself among laurels
Just for a moment?

Some may say
that we are all
by nature children of wrath
but no one needs to
prove it .

stay busy
fill every moment
with thoughts to fill my mind
to occupy my senses
divert my eyes
distract my heart
stay busy
I've been deceiving myself
or is this the deception?
I acknowledged it
I accepted it
but what if
I didn't?

With the first free moment
in weeks
I see clearly
or unclearly
I can't tell
all I know is that I hate
not being busy
being alone
and it doesn't help
that you've disappeared
from home
from my life
from the face of the earth
stay busy*
and I'll survive

I thought I was over this
-- Done with the pain
Of losing a father
A man who wasn’t even a dad
And even less of one
Than I had previously thought --
But grief is a tricky thing
It presents itself
When everything seems
To be going well
For once.

You left me
For good
A long time ago
And your memory left, too
But it’s taunting me again
With thoughts
And questions
Of what might have been
If you were a different person
And if I was who you had hoped I was
But knew I wasn’t
Or if you had been
Content enough
To continue living.

I truly believe
It’s best that you left
Permanently
But I can’t help
Wondering.

I approach the day with a brave smile
And wear it for everyone to see
I surround myself with peers, friends, loved ones
And I feel okay
I manage to make it through
Thinking it's not so bad
That maybe this will be the turning point
And things will finally get better
But when I turn off the lights
And crawl into bed
I realize just how terribly lonely I am

Mind wandering
Body traveling
Towards the door
Twist the key in the lock
Anticipation
For dogs yipping
And jumping
At my feet

Turn the ****
And there's
Nothing

I know I'm young
And have plenty of years to fill houses
With my every desire
-- A husband
Children
Dogs
Anything --
But that's further down the road
Not down this hallway
Not behind this door

For now, the only thing I am welcomed by
As I walk through this doorway
Is *loneliness

Make sad, sweet love to me
Hush
Don't speak
Let the emotions do the talking
Grab for
Everything you have
Always wished for
And never obtained
Claw at
Everything that has held you
Back
And kiss me
Just kiss me
Like you've never meant anything more
Transfer your pain
Onto me
I will carry it
While you carry me
Show me everything
Vulnerability
Is key
In therapy
Like this

Satisfaction is a funny thing
Smile on my face
Love in my heart
But some sort of emptiness
Overwhelms the senses

What is missing
When everything
I thought I wanted
Is right in front of me?
Held in my finger tips?
What more
Could I want?

Maybe if I knew
I wouldn't be sitting
With such an emptiness
Inside of me

Who knew
The human body
Could hold so much
Expanding to accommodate
Emotions
Possessing the capacity
To contain
The spectrum of feelings
Is there a breaking point?
Because *******
It sure feels like
I'm getting
Close

Everyone wants someone who knows their own heart
Knows their pain
And makes it dissipate
Someone who understands
Relates
Alleviates
But is that always enough?
Can someone truly know
The pain
One goes through?
Often times
Words are muttered
Of how one knows what you're feeling
Knows what you're thinking
What you're going through
And maybe it's all with good intention
Innocence
But innocence doesn't help ****
When it was stolen
Long ago
Under the nose of ignorance
And you were left alone
Long ago
It's what you know
It's what you've always known
And it's hard to form new habits
When the old ones
Rooted themselves
So long ago

It is always said
That you're attracted
To people who resemble
Your parents
But I hate my father
And rejoice in the loss
Of him

He took himself out
Of my life
At a young age
But could those
Formative years
Still hold on to
That memory
And subconsciously search
For someone
Just
Like
Him?

I see so much
Good
In you
But he was
A good man
Once
Too

Intelligence
Dreams
Depth
Everything I look for
In a man
But I wonder
If you carry
The dark side
Of those attributes

You admire
"Men"
Who were identical
To my father
At the end
Of his life
Disregard
Detachment
Liquor
All of his
Downfalls
You aspire for

I love you
Now
But what man
Will you become
Later?
One who
Succumbs
To alcoholism?
Thrives
In solitude?
Abandons
His family?

*******
I hope not

Who were you?
At the end
No man I knew
Your essence
Was liquor
Your character
Alcohol
Your spirit
Spirits

The numbness
Took over
Sickness
Diseasing
The mind
Plaguing
The soul
Infiltrating
The veins

Corrupting
Abruptly
The human aspect
Degenerating
Generations
But you don’t even
See that
Anymore
Do you?

Eyes glassed over
From champagne
Whiskers
From whiskey
Who are you
Now?

Cat and mouse
You and the bottle
But I can’t tell
Which is which
Anymore
Running in circles
Tangled up
Into one

So tell me
Was it you
Or the liquor
That pulled
The trigger?

Where did you go?
Not after you died,
But before
While you were still living
But weren’t alive
You were dead
For a long time
Before you validated it
Yourself

What made being awake
So unbearable
To make you wish
To sleep
Eternally?

Why was alcohol
And cigarettes
And ******
The only thing
You could turn to?

You had everything
Prestige
Two families
Money
But maybe it was the loss
Of respect
That affected you
most

Such a desire
To be the best
The greatest
And you no longer
Could please everyone
Or anyone
For that matter
Your fame faded
Your wife stopped
Listening
To you
And became the woman
You tried to
Prevent her
From being

You lost
All the attention
You so desperately
Needed
And filled that void
With alcohol
With cigarettes
With ******

Did that feel better?
Because apparently
It didn’t
Seeing as you
Found another
More permanent
Escape

What was the point?
Was it worth it?
Are you happy with
The even greater
Loss
Of respect?
Or the grief
Your wife
Experienced?
The guilt?
Or knowing your children
Grew up
Without you?
Without a father?
Without a man
At all?

But maybe it’s better
This way
You were no man
Anyways
And sure as hell
No father.