every night i creep in beside you
and touch the nearest skin so i can count your breaths
the airs you breathe are the sweetest sheep
and when i dream i worry when i am not there to calculate them they will cease
like how words fall away from your ears
when you're not listening close enough

when i think i am coming home to you, i just find a strange man
like an escaped mummy, incoherent, lost and heartless
spouting nonsense and one sided stories
not once listening to mine, just waiting for his turn to speak
convinced i don’t care while he carelessly throws his ***** bandages all over the place
and when he falls back into his tomb i have to pick up the mess
so in the morning it will look like nothing happened
just left with the cold feeling of a ghost passing through,
terrified because he will come back.

just because i can forgive you every time
doesn't mean it doesn't rot inside like an apple core
until one day you take the last poisonous bite
and there'll be nothing left of me
just an empty shell of the girl you once knew
who absorbed so much pain she became death itself
a still born love, a stale heart
it gave too much without getting enough
just because i can still love you every time
doesn't mean i am strong
in fact, it makes me weaker
until one day your world will collapse from my shoulders
and you will have to hold it up yourself.

it's weird how you slowly start collecting parts of someone you're with
how you merge into a world that you didn't know existed before you met them
how everyone has their own world, histories, ghosts
you collect the names and faces of their personal population
knowledge about their deepest thoughts, desires, fears
collecting all of the shared moments for your internal scrapbook
and even their objects: various clothes, dvds, furniture
you collect new songs that you've never heard before, and their gifts, letters, greeting cards
you don't even seem to notice this happening as it becomes so natural to adapt to their world
it's new and exciting and you throw yourself inside so easily, gracefully
and when it doesn't work out after immersing yourself completely
everything shatters and you wonder how you ended up there to begin with
then you find yourself with all these mementos from it, and don't know how they fit now
your personal world was changed because of their world
you have to pull the threads from the veil that's been over your eyes
it's one of the more difficult things in life, removing yourself from an old reality
it haunts you like a town long abandoned but you know better than to ever go back.

once upon a time there was a girl named love
and she danced through the town
with hearts in her eyes and hearts on her sleeves
but all the boys destroyed them one by one
so she replaced them with diamonds so they wouldn't break
but the boys stole them and traded them for pretty girls
then the girl replaced the diamonds with stars
so the boys would burn if they got too close
the girl named love changed her name to afraid because she was
and one day a boy named chance approached her slowly
but she was already on fire and there was nothing he could do
he walked away and she was sorry
the girl named afraid never saw chance again
eventually all of her stars died except for one
and she named it love to remember him.

a poem a day
keeps the therapist away.

there's a book inside my head
and it's all about you
it writes itself when i sleep and edits when i wake
i have ten thousand manuscripts by now
but i'm scared to write you down
i'm scared of letting you in
i'm scared of provoking your spirit again
reality lets me run but my
mind won't let me hide
one of these days i'll be strong enough
to stick my hand in your cage and feed you the words i've kept inside
until then i'll brush them under rugs
and dance them away

i forgot how to sleep without you already
how do i know what i am
if you're not here to remind me that i am something

what if i only exist when you're awake?

beautiful in retrospect
even the dark things, the horrible things
i've learned to learn and that makes them necessary
i can wish to turn back time
i can wish on every star in that sky and all the planets that orbit them
but what's done is done, and i have to live with that
you have to live with that, we
have to live with that
and it's hard oh it's so ******* hard
to know i could've ...should've would've
if i, but i didn't, but if only
that's not how this life works
this life is fair and we all get what we deserve
in some way or another
all of our cards are dealt equally
and i have no room to complain
just room to beat myself up, endlessly, my own personal layer of hell
i could do that forever
(i have done that forever)
but now is my time
to not dwell on the ugliness of things
but master the lessons from them
to see the beauty in every excruciating part of me
in every memory that burns
because it was put there for a reason
it might take lifetimes to figure out
but i have discovered patience, and the eternal sunshine of love that strengthens me
as i continue on through this labyrinth of myself
finding clues and taking notes on life's vague meanings
i find that darkness is mandatory
so that you may appreciate the light.

eat
sleep
write

repeat as necessary

i was never meant for this
i was born wrong, a reincarnation misplacement
this foreign heart, beating and feeling too fast for my own good
an alien to my own existence

perhaps i should have been a free bird
or a lonesome whale, i'm used to the deepest and darkest of trenches

this wounded animal inside of me, it's spiraling me down again
and i'm tired, so ******* tired
of getting up again

I see it all clearly now
Clear as a window on a foggy day
It's as good as it's gonna get
It's like saying god is in your heart
But your heart is an ugly reckless *****
Pumping the blood through your body
Your beartrap of a body
It's like a drunk guy you just met slurring "I love you"
As he's zipping up his pants.

i think i'm starting to figure you out
little by little
maybe, possibly
the pieces fitting
like plugging my hairdryer in an outlet
i'm learning to not absorb the shock so much

you push me away
on purpose? subconsciously?
it works, occasionally
until i realize it's a test

and you know how anxious i get about those

i guess i pass though, because then you come back
all smiley that way you are

do you not believe i like (love?) you?
despite all the ******* you claim

i **** at sports but i win gold medals at mind games.

i'm sorry for needing you to touch me all the time
it's not a ****** thing
though
it could be
if you were okay with that

but no i have this naked way about me
i'm always cold
and longing
and you're warm
you mammal you

perhaps i'm a special kind of vampire
why yes i do stay up all night but
i feed off of love instead of blood.

Wasting my parent's money I skip algebra to lay in the grass and watch ants crawl up my arms
I can't summon the strength to face numbers and figures and x equals agony and y equals misery
And when you divide them you get a quotient sense of absolute isolation from the swarming intellectual hive of the world
I watch the clouds and ask them why living is worth all this hassle
All this nodding and smiling along never really comprehending
I ask them as if they hold all of the answers inside like they hold the rain
They tease me and slide out of view right as I grasp their responding formation
The reasons to keep going are always changing and at times drift away completely
Over the horizon leaving me
Nothing
But
Blue.

I considered killing myself today
No, it's not a cry for help
Just a plea for life
The pressure oh the pressure it hurts and burns

A passing fantasy
How easy and peaceful
Poppy tea would be, just another nap
A beautiful dream that doesn't have to end

It's so much more mature than when I was 15
I used to cut stars into my ankles and call it art
It made sense to induce my own pain, to control it, for once

To have something so abstract as emotion
Visible and finally released as such a brilliant, lively serum

In these times of existential crisis, I realize how morbid I really am
Maybe I'll just be a gothic poet, my hair is already black
I'll wander around abandoned buildings
And read The Bell Jar in the dark

I think I'm going insane slowly, like you know how geniuses think too much
And eventually lose it completely

If I'm too intense for you then no comments are needed
Hold onto my words though and you might relate someday

Maybe this isn't even poetry
Maybe it's just a long lost journal entry I never had the guts to write.

If I lose you after all, after this fall
After the leaves change and death fills the air
I'll just lie to myself and say you were just research for the secret book I'm narrating in my head
Internal observer, on the inside looking out
Taking notes somewhere in my cerebral cortex
Somehow without my consent the neurons fired them into my heart
And it was supposed to help me breathe but it has only become more difficult
A carefully executed experiment but apparently I have
Fallen victim to my own placebo effect
Is it real if I believe it is?
Is it like thinking happy thoughts in order to fly
What would prove as compelling evidence
I have to remain objective until
A positive correlation is made and solidified and
Thrown in my face
Maybe it's the way your Claddagh ring is still turned on its inside
And I don't know if that means you already belong to someone
Or if you think that means you belong to no one
Who understands all this fleeting symbolic **** anyway
Who really understands anything at all

throw away all of our material *******
our iphones and credit cards and television sets
throw them in a bonfire, take off our clothes and
dance around the flames naked chanting freedom mantras
we could do anything we wanted
climb to machu picchu and try to feel the past
drink ayahuasca and play shaman for a day
be wild and open and part of the earth again
for once in our lives we might feel important
unrestricted, powerful
like we have a purpose
and even after the hallucinations fade
maybe the plants will still whisper to us our destiny
when we are sleeping in hammocks and eating bugs
i guess i just wouldn't care if the guts got stuck in my teeth
because you'd be there and encourage me to give up my ocd habits
of always being clean
because you'd make it worth it to not care
i'd give you my soul if it meant we could always feel this way
so wonderfully lost in each other that nothing else matters.

we both have this,
hidden....core
we slowly peel back to reveal
like we're withholding this great wizard
behind some elegant curtain

maybe it's because we both know mute suffering
the kind that sticks around and becomes part of your bones

we say to each other, oh i won't judge you, you can tell me anything
i can handle anything, you can't scare me

and it's true but still we,
are....crawling
back to our shells like hermit *****.

You pick me up in your green car, your favorite color, like the tint of your eyes when the light hits right
You act so casual, everything so smooth, everything so easy

(I wish it was as easy for me)

We have these moments when conversation stalls
It's not uncomfortable, just heavy
A mountain range beneath the stillness of water
A rising heat from a hidden fire

(I wonder if you know I'm losing my mind over you
If you know that I know that you know that we know that we really could have something here)

We drink bitter coffee drinks and eat day old scones
Pretending to be bohemian intellectuals, we talk about *** and peace and justice
We play Scrabble:

"Nurses"
"Loot"
"Vines"

Secretly I want to sweep away the crossword chaos and make my own message:

"Be mine now now right now"

But that would be breaking the rules of both games we're playing

Pleasure delayers, keep silent, nonchalant
Take one step forward and two steps back
Show affection, but not too much
Wear your heart on your sleeve, but only in small portions

I don't want to overdose, overwhelm, over exaggerate
And watch another
Run away

(Please, please don't)

And so I dream of you, in your John Lennon t-shirt and shaggy hair
You tell me to give you time
I give you a watch and you laugh at my cleverness but really
I was hoping that it would be enough.

would be walking in the snow, alone

and the soft padded movements under your feet

will ask me questions others wouldn't dare to know.



you

would sit next to me on the bus

and ask how i read without getting sick

and i would throw words up on you.



you

would be in a bookshop

in the metaphysical section

and you would show me thick paged dream interpreters

and i would show you the cover of ****** Astrology.



you

would be lost in a song

throwing glances at me from stage

and the passion that spews out from being on top of everything

everyone's listening.



you

would compliment my brain

and not my body.



i would try to impress you with both.



you

would be smoking a bowl under blacklights

and i would ask for a hit

of you, of you.



[who are you? where are you? how do i find you?]

Is the color of unrequited love
It is the teasing of petals surrounding nothing
The temporary watercolor disguise rubs off onto fingertips
And the thorns are brutal knives drawing translucent tears
Drain me of feeling, oh God, if you are really out there
I didn't choose this destiny, let me try again
I'm going to Oz to get a refund
For this heart beats much too fast, and is tiring me
Life would be so simple hollow
It's not like I needed you, it's not like that
I saw you and you saw me
Together I felt, the stars were in reach
But those constellations are now just as fake as the ones on your ceiling
And my arms, they reach farther than yours and create huge shadows on the walls
That end up swallowing all the light
I only know how to save the world with love
And apparently it's never enough
If I had to say I was sorry for something
It would've been my passion
Because its poisonous plagues destroy everything
They say to, be careful what you wish for
But
My greatest strength is my absolute weakness
And sometimes I would give anything to do without this depth
Without my ultra-sensitive x-ray vision WARNING flashing on the screen
I could be oblivious again
I miss believing in everything and knowing nothing
Even though I always look back and blame it on myself
But I can't delete my senses as easily as I delete all our pictures
And all the beautiful empty words you said
Even when they all took place I was conscious of savoring
Because I somehow knew they may be the last
While you slept, I stayed awake and silently wept
Like that man in your story, was it too late?
I held on tight like it was the nearing end of a roller-coaster ride
While you were nonchalantly unbuckling the safety belt
Gladly stepping off the platform
Leaving me behind
Struggling to stand right-side-up after being so upside-down
I am still dizzy
My feelings irritate my skin
I want to flick them away like mosquitos
But they are deeply barreled and eating me away
And I
Can't
Stop
Itching.

Between two minds my mind flips
Why do you feel so empty sometimes
Do you float above your body and are robotic action
Are your thoughts your actions
Are they all the same, are they different
Are you everything at once
Once warm the next seemingly cold
If emotions could be that easy to separate
How easy would I be to dissolve
I am losing my grip on my perceptions because
I am the manipulated
I am clay
Use me use me and abuse me
I will beg for more
Because I am a sacrifice
I give myself even when I have already given everything
And I realize in a quick shudder that
The closer I get the faster I might let it fade
But I hate the space
How did I let this confusion overwhelm me in its toxic cloud
I am a delusion
An illusion
All is illusion
I am the audience
Gasping at magical feats
That are smooth gimmicks
I am the happiest fool.

There is this woman with stringy brown hair
Blue polka-dotted shirt, the same one
Head droops down
The weight of melancholy stampedes her to near-death.

She hardly holds herself up straight
She barely looks me in the eyes, she is shamed
Every time, she is paler and paler
Every time, gets the same comfort treat, maybe this will help this time
Maybe,
This time.

Chocolate peanut butter flavor with hot fudge and whipped cream
I am the only one who notices her slight shaking..
Fiending? Needing?

$4.61, please
I am the only one who notices the scars on her arms.

"Thank you, have a good day."

And I am frightened that one of them will soon be her last.

I am frightened because I want to save everyone
But I can't.

It's like throwing starfish into the sea, one by one
Still seeing the shore still filled with them.

Everyone around me is drowning and they pull my hair down with them.

I'm sleeping in your bed tonight, alone
Because you left me in the back of your mind
I'm not special anymore, so **** it
I'll smoke a cigarette, a habit I never had
I'll pass out in your room where I'm usually holding you or underneath you
Summer's here, so I'm trying to keep the glass half-full
I don't need a boy to empty it again, I'd rather risk that with a man
But deep down, really
I wish you were here even if you have forgotten all about me
But you're probably somewhere in the mountains, seeing things that aren't really there
Maybe it's me
And I'm in the trees and in the stars and I'm raining fire on you until it scorches your skin
And you wake up for a split second from your daydream at night
I'll color the sky like Northern Lights and tell you to come back home.

I hope you come back to Earth, soon
I hope you find what you're looking for out on that road in the middle of nowhere, somewhere
I hope you find it in the ocean, at the very bottom
And if you drown before you come back up
I hope you catch me in the corner of your eye
Turquoise tails flailing and beating against a watery wind
My hair snaking down my spine and my ice blue eyes in yours before you choke on your last breath

I will miss you.

What if your life was in a cage
And all the animals came to stare
You are a display case
How would you live
If everybody was watching?

Have you ever felt five minutes

s t  r   e    t     c      h       e        d

into eternity?

Your mind an endless stream of worries and doubts and darkness
walls closing in, claustrophobia hyperventilation
panic panic panic attack

Take me somewhere new right now
somewhere where I can bask in my own self-deception
thinking I can run away from the oncoming moment
the oncoming train, headlights in the tunnel charging straight towards me

nowhere to hide.

The phantom inside always following
like trying to play tricks on your own reflection...

The pregnancy tests
Are right next to the condoms
Either way, you're *******.

reminds me of my grandpa
I never decided if it was bitter or sweet but all the same
I sneak sips from the bottle in the fridge

his house in the mountains
his long driveway and boulders to climb on
every day an adventure
when you're 7

chasing deer and running in sprinklers

pistachio shells under the couches
a grand piano

still life fruit paintings
so simple, the world then.

I watched him die
of cancer
when I was old enough to understand

that that was only
his body.

I am blatantly blunt
And maybe I say too much too soon
Foot in my mouth my tongue is impulsive
Word salad word salad wrong worded wording words
Nothing comes out right in the way that I want them to be more than just
Syllables pouring out to fill the space between us
But you don't seem to mind how often I stumble over myself
I feel stupid with my recklessness, my loving with abandon
But you don't wince or blink or run and hide
I used to be so cautious, cautious
Looking both ways before I cross the street
Now like a curious cat confident I'll make it, I just dart
You make me not care even though I should I should I really ******* should
It makes me feel alive but still on the inside oh the inside
I'm just a scared little kitten, scared of my own claws.

i have counted them all

and most of them are reasons why i should never have been with you.

Someone once told me

That hate is love and love is hate

He was a criminal and a drug addict

But I like how nonsense seems to make sense to me.

she's holding her pen like she does her tongue

drawn back,

poised for the pleasure of letting

the ink drip to the ground

and she bathes in its dark puddles

(where abstract meets sense,

where mind and soul meet the body that plummets to solid earth)



she opens like a well-read book

but buries secrets in gold between tired lines

charmed treasure

(x marks the spot)



she's staring at walls

that are oh so elegantly covered

with quotes

with buildings

with trees, with skies

with flowers and beaches

with faces she will never see again.

(but she knows how lucky she is to have seen them atleast that once,

atleast that one last time)



she leads the way

up trodden paths

to moon rocks and city lights

(and wonders how one can possibly feel more alive,

can enhance their only existence)



she's dreaming, as always

a glaze in her eyes

hoping, waiting, contemplating

feels bare,

feels that everyone can see the trip in her head

(she's naked, but laughing

because they see her in clothes.)

the world is your stage
but it is my
playground

she says YES
DON'T LET THIS STOP
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
******.
and you've done it again.

I will bite your tongue
while you bite your words
i miss writing like i miss your mouth
soft,sweet,spicy

do what you want
you're not needed on this side of town
just receding,slowly
away and away and away
up in the sky
in a hot air balloon
around the world in 100 days
because we need the extra 20
to enjoy the sights and sounds


yes darling, australia is beautiful
but the coral reef is dying, and rotting away
no more rainbow shores
just an island in the middle of nowhere;somewhere

i will find you
even if 100 days later
you are on a street corner
smoking a ciggarette in each hand
stuffing the world down your throat

INHALE;EXHALE
INHALE;EXHALE

Antarctica is melting away.

you can run run run as fast as you can
but you will always look back and wonder,

because i know you see yourself in me.

colors
and escaping smoke from lungs
heat scorching bare skin
families burying animals in their backyards
a drunken ******* a bed
mountains with crusted hands reaching, how i once lived among the trees
the green light signal of the music that fills every pore with fragments of intoxicating sounds
a reflection in the morning, with no regrets as to what's there
amethyst extravagance
the seafoam green walls
a **** cake in the fridge
a beaded reminder: carpe diem momento mori

everything but the unmarked road we will walk

hello, i am air.
i am finding my way between cherry blossom lips.

hello, i am earth.
i am beneath you, rooting your feet to this very spot.
don't you dare move.

hello, i am water.
i am slowly slapping against the shore.
testing my own depth.
dive in.

hello, i am fire.
i am every passion a flame holds.
i am every ounce of heat that goes straight to your head; makes you sweat, disorients you.

hello, i am possibility.
i am the wide open sky, second chances, new horizons.
i am the point of no return.

Lust consuming the mattress on the floor

Dressed in sweat and black silk

The escaped gasps caught in the entwinement of young flesh

the human mind is just an extravagant illusion.

a complicated spectrum of polarized emotions

fluid and elegant dreams like boats on waters that ripple infinitely, obliviously

(because once you wake up, theyre gone)

what we call "love" is just a chemical released

what we believe is the sun , the moon, the energy

is nothing compared to what they ACTUALLY ARE.

it is just easier to assign them names, proper scientific qualities and observations than to stay awake in our beds and enjoy the mystery

we don't have enough time to be confused.

confusion?

in which the mind struggles to process a stream of thoughts into a single explainable or even remotely comprehensive one

therefore, transferred into words,

metaphors and similies

because emotion, the concept can never be explained clear

these, after all, are just words.

they shall make no significant impact on those who don't accept them.

words are just a series of symbols we convince you to believe in.

like numbers,

time.

where does the past go?

do the memories still wallow in a another realm exactly where you left them

the times you danced under the moon

or that first kiss

you swear, so much, that the energy is left behind.

the fascinating way you still feel the shadows of things that will never be again.

usually im thriving on change
but now change is thriving on me
i used to be buried only in silver linings
but clouds dont have handle bars.

im liquid and mutable,
no solid foundation,
i have daydreams
but they comnstantly **** me dry,
ive had lovers but they never called,
the pretty girls get to go to college with daddys money
well my father doesnt believe in me,
doesnt talk to me,
all i have to offer is art

and he wont trust what he doesnt understand.

a vision thats been so clear lately,
im packing my bags with ocean mist shampoo, a camera, a toothbrush, blank notebooks, shooting star earrings, vanilla incense,
catching the next flight to wonderland.

dissapear.

not that this town,
the only place ill ever call home,
hasnt brought me so much,
it has shown me its many hidden paths,
all the best spots to duck into with the friends that drift in during the summer
but never really stay,
secrets through the sweet potent smell of smoke,
the writing on the wall:
"are you living your dream?"

so im wondering.
is this what my whole life has built up to be,
a skyscraper of long-term memories
encoded then stored to forever be pulled up from file drawers?
lessons learned and regrets thrown in trash bins,
barely scratching the surface of those i thought i knew so well,
hands in the oven
and wading in water,
rainbows over ambulances,
the city in flames,
strawberry fields,
bear tracks in snow,
freezing cold spring in hardly standing tents,
dazed morning afters,
bruises and scars and reckless lucid dreams,
diving headfirst into the shallow end,
over and over again,
chasing the world through a lens,
artificial perspectives;
how i watched so many fall for them,
drinking their life away.

the moment i realized i was lonely, but i would never be that alone.

a series of events of which i still dont know whether or not were unfortunate.
i dont want to be another high school angst heartbreak cliche,
the almost-smiling girl lifted into the dawn, away.

but this head is raging.
"the heart is the weakest ***** in the body"
and the medicine just isnt working.

somehow, i believe, new streets and sunsets,
unfamiliar faces on littered beaches,
every corner a turn i wont hesitate to make,
will bring back the fragments i have dropped along the way.
because i just want to believe.
i want to, finally, be.
i'm starving.
i want something more.
give me anything.
i want to overdose on everything miraculous that there is yet for me to walk on. maybe drown in northern lights.
maybe paint my hopes in passion red and off-turquoise-seafoam-green.
maybe chance a stranger, a kind voice to be exchanged with mine. one i could trust, could crawl into and sleep.

Art is
s e e i n g
Ordinary Things
from
extraordinary
angles | selgna

a scream in the night- or dark early morning- "i am not sleeping another night alone." and it cracks my bones through my ears. i am brought back from my grave, i am a zombie with an intention. aren't we all starving now? it seems like things are more clear when i have less to focus on. now, disobeying the natural function of shutting my eyes. now, as the apartment complex lights are mere trinkles on the stairs. nobody moves but the shadows and the dissapointments on the other side of my door. everybody listens when they shouldn't. these aren't empty conversations filled with empty words. this isn't the simple act of eavesdropping on a bus. this isn't just another dialogue with defense mechanism cavities. there's a million things that these words aren't. funny, i couldn't tell you exactly what they are, what they mean, what they have to offer anybody. it's all so transparent but oh so opaque, and i am caught between the fragmented spectrum, between where i can and can't be seen. when you are on your knees with a gun to your head, that's when you finally catch some attention. crave as you might, but you're never taken seriously until there's nothing left but words versus silence. some scream, throw glasses at the wall. some lay down and cry the same old sob story over and over again. some take their thoughts and put them in jars, filled to the brim with formaldehyde. some break down in all these ways, the jars make the shelves finally collapse. i've watched it happen, i've watched bombs explode in my mother's eyes. it frightened me- how could anyone survive the blast? debri thunders down, litters the earth with shame and rage and those godfrosaken lost hopes. the hopes you pin up like ribbons in a young girl's hair, they are so beautiful and so simple, and they stream in the lights when she dances. you are taunted and you are made to believe. even when the girl passes out on the dance floor and the ambulance comes to rush her away, you remain calm. fixated. ambitious. you count to three and lift her onto the stretcher. you keep telling yourself that she will open her eyes, even when the ribbons come undone and begin to strangle her.

i forget whether it's loss or gain, i can't recall whether or not it's a good thing to be electrocuted when you put your own finger in the socket. it is good to wake up. it is a release to make the world stop spinning once in a while. but we are in motion. we are supposed to be rushed. so many of us are forced to grow fast, and we lose touch. the glue that holds our pieces together slowly dissolve and then we are fluid. we let others contain us in any shape they desire. we adapt, and we manifest more hopes. it's like we have a treasure chest, full of them. under our beds/ from behind our ears, from where magicians pull out coins. i may rest. i may sleep most of these nights. but i am still a river. i will always flow until i flood the land again. and maybe someone someday somehow won't run away when they see the warning flashing on their television screen. instead, they will grab their lifevest and dive in, like i always have. they will forget what fear is. they will forget that they had an ego that usually kept them safe and dry. they will feel surprisingly comfortable in my serene waters. they will realize that risk isn't so bad, that belief powers it, make things happen. but sometimes the pressure builds and the dam does break. it is too much. step back. you've gone too far.

it is a circle. emotions can recycle. the same hopes are used all over again, just in different disguises, colors, voices, names. they will try to build the dam again. they will think they have the perfect blueprint. but weakness always resides in something.

we only live and we learn. we only get rich or die trying. we only get twenty-four hours in a day, and we only have the ability to use them to our full advantage if we are alive and awake enough to see them.

we only see and we only feel. we only have ourselves to blame.

this is what its like. its like holding your breath underwater. its like wandering with no destination. its like a narrow corridor, drink this and you will be small enough to fit through it. its like almost tripping over the unexpected rise in the sidewalk. its like that moment when you catch yourself right before your face collides with the cement. its like the cement itself, gray and watching happiness hanging just above. its like keeping the stare of a stranger. you cant stop but if you look away too soon youll make the silence awkward. its like the hunger of a girl who refuses to eat. progress hurts so good. its like taking a sip of red wine. its like an accidentally-on-purpose confrontation. its like a summer sun shower, it rains when its the brightest. its like the taste of strawberries, and the tiny seeds get stuck in your teeth. its like biting your nails after you've finally grown them out. its like a movie that takes you in its grip and doesnt let you go. its like the rolling credits where youre still intoxicated from it. its like...."yeah im writing a blog." "whats it about?" "i...dont really know. it's like, poetry, or something." its like a subliminal message, its telling you straight to your face, its right in front of you, but you're oblivious. its like the air that pinches your arms in autumn. its like the scarf you tie around your neck. its like the stones you believe will affect you somehow, will lend you their powers. its like finally, looking forward to something, or something like it.

...blame the dreamer, the make-believer, the great play-pretender. blame the girl that picks up every drop of hope off the floor with tweezers. we all want to believe. even if its obvious how dangerous it could be, even when it has dagger-like thorns, and they stab your fingers. we want want want something still even though you will bleed. blame the ambitious one. blame that ******* time that always haunts us. blame the one that tries to defy it. blame loneliness, blame that empty space, that shadow that lingered for so long. blame the encouragement of self-sacrifice. blame basic human instinct, to see, to chase, to conquer. blame the amygdala. but what would it be like, without emotion, memory..it wouldn't hurt to forget to remember. blame energy. blame everything you've ever tried to believe in, wanted with every ounce of passion you had left. blame money, we're all just slaves. blame the unknown course of human life. blame the unpredictability of the circumstances in which you take your last breaths. wherever you would be, would the last scene in your play be a happy one or a tragic ending..or somewhere in between? blame analyzation and rationalized thinking, the fact that things could make perfect sense but your gut tells you differently. blame fear and anxiety, blame what scares you the most in this world. heights, change, being alone. blame the girl that always sees light but is ready for the dark, she is waiting by her windows. shes prepared for the part in the end where the actors bow and you realize, oh, yeah, ****...this was all just imagined.

blame me. the director. the optimist. blame me, because i picked the thorned rose.

but it was just so, tempting, so extremely beautiful...

......i just take life as it comes.

Duct tape my mouth please, censor me, i'm slowly spilling, run run as fast as you can, i drip gasoline, i'm dangerously quiet, and playing with matches, shards between my teeth, cut my tongue, the room burns aglow, and i watch with stitched lips, as the poison that resides seeps through the water of my eyes.

Of a wilted rose, seek beneath, as is love, observe the masked beauty, of a horrid creature, just looking unto the shell, does not define a soul.

I'll be, just another regret, a faceless phantom in your past, a skeleton, rattling bones, and i don't know, how you still have room in your closet for more. and you'll be, just another lesson, that i had to learn the hard way.

Red beating hearts, red lips, red ribbons, red red red blood red, smear it on the wall and call it broken, drip, catch with your tongue, artificially flavored, fake tastes so sweet, chocolate foil litter, a hurricane, snow to make snow angels, mine stepped on, give up, you're no angel, you are not pure and don't even think for a second you are beautiful, the crave grabs you by the hair and spins, ring around the rosie, pocket full of posey, ashes ashes, they all have hands to hold so i'm the one that falls down.