We are the creators, we are expression in its purest form, because we just are, adrenaline, awareness, passions of the flame, wishmakers from the ripples in the water, lets ignite, like trick candles, there's always more, lets unbury the questions we put in the ground, make something amazing out of them, write down our own answers, resurface, those things we all hide, so that we may forget, the heaviness weighs ambitions down, just be, express, reverse origami, unfold.

what dies when you grow, aren't we supposed to develop and bloom, why does it seem like we fade, like sepiatone, how does one resist the dust that collects on their denied ambitions, and why do they give up, maybe it is easier to be born again than to grow up, seeing everything for the first time, as if it were new, try again, i wonder how many have stumbled over the things they didn't do, when they still had the passion, the greatest intentions to consume all at once their unspecified paths, i see a child with a fascinated smile, and uninhibited honesty, they glisten, they are ignorant but i envy the unknowing, that directly after actions are consequences, i wish i was still picking flowers in my grandmother's yard, blowing the heads off dandelions, wishing for a pink bicycle, it floats in the wind, somewhere in time i forget why it was so important, there's priorities now and changes and risks to be taken, it's like life has suddenly become dangerous, and i don't have an excuse to run around naked anymore.

into another black hole, ******* all the last drops of potential, they will find something on the other side, something that before they were too busy and much too blind, and i wish i could give you new eyes, that can adjust to these strobe lights, set the f-stop and the shutter speed, before you miss it next time, i will be just a blur with windswept hair, and glances ocean deep, i hardly know your face, but that lyrical tongue electrifies me, and im just a midnight crave, the simple hi bye good day, the last desperate attempt at something anything, you bewitch me, more than physically, but how many spells have you cast, and who still lingers on your path, im just a name and a clever picture to follow, you sparkle to me, but the plans are always hollow, you run so fast to catch up with your own advice, so far im losing sight, your a dot in the skyline, you were never mine, but after all the nights you fell asleep, your hopeful words played a song for me, but you never saw, and i doubt you'll ever see.

Here's to the night, those nights, this night, i will find comfort in my velvet blankets, words with senseless depth, the smell of rising smoke, this room is too hot, so why am i still cold, why am i still hopeful, when all that falls into my hands is acid rain, burns, burns, burn, burnt, give up, give in, it hurts, but that's just feeling, like an alien nightmare, must destroy it at the source, myself, but if i was numb, my compassion would slip away, don't let me swallow all the novacaine, tomorrow, maybe, might be, a brighter day, here's to the most lonely optimist, i'll raise my crystal champagne glass to the mirror, and drink memory erasing potion, here's to you, all of you, cheers.

A twist and turn Rubik's cube
When we already knew what the last fitting color looked like
We've been spinning this puzzle a while
The flame has always been on its way to the actual firework grand finale
The sparks they fall and they fall so far to the ground
To the ground I fall
I want what I can't have, I've had what I can't keep, I keep only what I can grasp in a memory
And am I scared because I didn't grasp enough, the time I couldn't capture anyway?
Or am I scared because I did, and I am scared that I want more?
I've worn my words on my lips before but now I just kiss them away
My mind has a showdown versus yours, clairvoyance isn't working
Turn on the screen and show me how I'm just a pixel in millions
Only a slight shade, vibration, a tiny barely significant something
That's what I'm used to seeing, this is what I expect to see, I expect you to just shrug my dust off your shoulders
Where my problems lie, what I want to see and what's really there
Your eyes are black holes and your body is a carnival
You subtly steal my senses and replace them backwards
These screams are whispers
And my hands are fireflies, I just wanted you to feel the glow
Did you feel it...could you ever feel it?
You've always had that way about you, that space between, that almost
Always been in that sunset background, somehow
Like you're the adventure I've been packing for
I wish we could have an adventure
You're a wordless song in my headphones, a hidden track on the mix-tape
A cleansing melody filling me when I thought all there was left was no voice on the other end
I want to write you as lyrics down, but I don't know how to spell you out
But if I had to rhyme I would match hope with soap
Slippery, through the fingers
I'm trying to forget your taste, (but oh don't let me forget)
I'm only forgetting because I feel like I have to
So I can keep up, so I can forget before I'm forgotten
The ink fades but will still stay
I'll try my best to wash you off my skin.

The not-quite-last-minute
Can't-won't-can't-can't-can't-absolutely-no­t
Turn away walk away driveway exit slow down blow kiss
She breathes on a bed
Inhales exhales
Invisible cigarette
Pink hair astray
Understands so much, too much
Eyes send fantasy and receives fact
Fact doesn't change, fact is solid, is Earth, is stable, loyal, disciplined
She nods and smiles too widely
Blushes with physical vulnerability
Mind detached, the doctor is in
Observation purposes only
This is a test
This is only a test
She turns it all around in that bright-side way she does
Some kind of odd redemption
The most perfect awkward closure
Goodbye
We've ****** the whole thing dry
The last tension black hole intensity anti-gravity
Astrally-inclined fly away now out-of-body-experience
Separate space from time
Follow me down to the cellar door
Open, something inside, the last ghost
Makes no noise as it drowns in the vaccuum
Closing, locking, throwing away the skeleton key
Nothing to open left, no more surprises, no more last kisses
This is the most something of a nothing
It speaks its silence in itself.

Eyelids sewn shut zombies wake and prey upon
Flesh in the shape of words
They were grave stricken
And adrenaline seeped through dormant veins
Blood is truth
This is all we know
Instinct, attack, leave for others to devour
Morbid, my symbols
The best ways to depict such an ache
Gruesome and gnawing
Reminding
Never dead, head always running
Only defeated by my own consuming desires.

I'm not as invisible as you make me feel
So let's make this one easy
I just won't exist
The air nonchalantly breathed in as if it did not affect
I am no more
Not because I hate, but because I can't
I'll pretend I never drank in your tranquility
I'll pretend it never made me stronger
I'll just pretend, I'll just dance on my I'm-okay stage
That I even tried
I am ashamed of my own face
The machine underneath
On autopilot
Why do I believe
Feeling
What the **** is that
It is not this word or this word or this word
There's no silver platter with my shoes for you to slip into
There's nothing left but me waving frantically
At a decaying wall, spray painted "I Was Here."

Looking beneath behind through as if searching for a small speck of dust
Some kind of answer or hint, please
All the while hiding cases and cases of confidential files
Neurotoxic venom building up underground about to explode in geysers of
What the **** is going on?
What are these letters I type in contrast to the static blizzard
Freezing brain cells avalanching down
Drowning in its overwhelming white intensity
Covering all traces of understanding
Seeking every last hidden-in-plain-sight human and universe motivation
Contemplating every glimmer in hopes it was just a reflection.

I am just an ignorant girl always building hope out of sand
Under the feet of destroyers
They laugh at my ambition
And stomp down carelessly
Onto what I couldn't hold together with glue

So I laid there, defeated, roasted from diglottic sun
Red and burning, confused and peeling
Waiting for the tide to wash the remnants of my failed creation
And these shells of pearless useless oysters
Away.

The very first line of the very first chapter ****** me in
And grabbed me like Freddy in my dreams and wouldn't shake me away until I had barely enough energy to wake up
Between chapters the pages were stapled together
Skipping so many so many many page numbers they all blurred together
And formed a weightless insignificant half & half story
Faces and voices and quotations
Forgotten then regained in new perspectives through new lips and emotional injections
The story stays predicted with some adjustments
Reading from the same script every ******* time
All those run-on sentences are continuously recycled
And you will choke them back up with every girl you bring up
And then drop them down down the rabbit hole black hole where am I and how did i get here
All that remains the neon highlighted favorite parts
At some point in the story it must've meant something
But after the ****** we just all fall apart in our heads
Trying to puzzle it together and giving up and finally walking out the door
Ripping the staples and paper flies everywhere
Like paper airplane love notes thrown and cutting hands just reaching for one last hold
Language is multi-dimensional and the angles from which they're read
The lost pieces have lost their place
Lost in time somewhere back there wish I could have stopped it and danced within
So the end wouldn't come
If endings are just beginnings than you are infinite indeed
Because you won't stop rewriting this book you are trapped in
You eat words for breakfast lunch and dinner
And then hold your stomach after it's so completely filled you want to burst
And wonder why you ate so much of them
When you are the author of this never-ending tragic story
But you'll still pick it up again and start over for each warm smile and rephrase everything
Make it seem like it's the first you've ever read with fresh born eyes
But the repetition will drag and you'll need some action
It's never enough or it's too much
I'm never enough or I'm too much
But at least I can say I was in there before I was expectedly torn out in insecure panic
Stapled shut out of sight and out of mind
How many different versions of this plot have you told by now...
How many of them were worth the waste of breath
Because I was pretty ******* sure I was worth at least maybe a ******* pronoun
I capitalized to strengthen you and I was edited out all the same
You're stuck in a labyrinth walking aimlessly and waiting just to find another dead end
Leaving everyone anxious but no one convinced now that you speak true
When you've weaved in so many dreams and science fiction
How will you ever know what is real
If you won't let yourself trust anything
I was real and I was trust
But the world is fake and plastic like blonde Barbie dolls
And only the artificial temporary flavors of things taste the best.

The
Most
Hazardous
Drugs
In
The
World
Are
The
Ones
That
Originate­
From
Our
Own
Minds.

Of one single fragment of a moment slipped through my fingers
I tried to the press rewind button but
It jammed in on itself and is now
Footage just looping over and over again
A surveillance camera catching a robbery of sorts
A heart robbery
And we're looking for suspects
But the faces are fading into the backgrounds
And magnifying close-up, it is harder to see
Everything pixels across the screen
Like trails from tripping eyes
Just another left-wondering motion
Double-taking, staring hard
I only see what I want to see
Was it you?
I guess I'll never know
I see pieces of everyone everywhere I go.

Alas, if I had anyone else to blame besides myself it would be you
And how ironic,
How "you" is a universal or selective statement
The usage applies to one specific person or many
However
Out of all the "yous"
You have had the most impact
You have hit and run and left the most amount of damage
Years since and I am still owing debt to your wicked brainwash wash my mouth
Out with soap because I am not to speak until I am spoken to
You have resided in a cave a terrible dragon in darkness releasing fire memories
Memories
Are
Powerful
Things
In a present moment your actions so long ago bring me backwards
And I trip over my own feet in embarrassment
Sticks and stones will break my bones
But your words have formed a disease in my mirror
I was raised under the impression no one would really love me
I would not be good enough for anyone
You broke my confidence and my screams
So no one could ever hear me in the middle of the night
A fanged silhouette hovering against every background
All the ******* times you dug your fingernails into my skin and slapped me in the face and called me
Disgusting
I hate the things I have accepted
I hate how I let myself be a victim
I am ashamed I have ever let anyone have power over me
It turns me on but scares the **** out of me
A shadow over my interactions
You have secluded my sense of self to rot
In a cancer that you have created
And yet I crave the realness of pain
There is a dark side to every moon
And I know depth and I understand the art of deception
The pureness of sensitivity
My hair stands up on the back of my neck
Always sensing hauntings
Invisible as a ghost.

I've never seen anyone cut as deep as you do
And do you bleed?
Is your blood diseased with toxic venom
Do you feel sometimes as if
You are backed into a corner, and everyone is watching you
Attack yourself because you would rather self-destruct than face the contradiction of your actions
You are greedy with the ones that love you
You eat them up like the sap from the tree of life
Until you spontaneously combust into the flowered ****** hearts that have sacrificed themselves for you
And you live forever as the ones you've pained.

Fix me a dish of your lie delicacy
Pretty please
With a cherry on top
And chocolate syrup aphrodisiac mind body control
Oh yummy, so delicious
May I also ask for a glass of fluoride water to compliment
Your plague cooked to perfection
Fake and suspiciously over-sweetened
Your contamination is a serious thing
Somebody call the health department
Because women and children are crying
Their stomachs are being filled with artificial hope as they
Throw it all back up onto the just-mopped linoleum floor
Check, please.

Delete my words
Delete my existence from your mind
Delete your heart because it is being wasted and beating with no echo
Delete everything you've ever known because known has no pure definition
Delete holographic sceneries from your shattered glass window of eyes
Delete your aura because your solid form is contradicting it and I've always seen right through
Delete the false interpretations of your ****** actions
Delete the people you ****** and ****** over
Delete them because they are just broken useless condoms flushed down toilets
Delete yourself from this planet and transfer to an alien world because you have shown how very unworthy you are of cooperating in this one.

**** my energy blood and
Recycle it when you go back to your coffin every night
My empathy kills me
My empathy liberates me
I feel so weak, so very very weak
I am the strongest person I have ever known
I am everyone I have ever known
The most knowing of the strength to defend my castle but it is open to the public
I will have to warn the masses of the oncoming spread of disease
"Please take a brochure and know what you are getting yourself into"

STOP HURTING HER
Stop hurting everyone because I feel pain that isn't mine
Its easy to fake it
It's even easier to fake-out yourself
Everything you touch turns into pyrite and fools run up to it thinking they have found gold.

You are like ****** asphyxiation
You choke me well of my words and bring tensioned silence
That is only wonderful after it has run its course and I can breathe you in again expecting it to taste different
I expect and I expect and I am impatiently patient
I bring things on myself
And then confuse them while I attempt to distinguish multiple realities of actions and words
I fall for everything
I shut myself off as to abort my potential failure
But then you say something that throws me off guard so ravishingly spontaneously enchanting thoughtfully
And I forget that I was trying not to care.

I'm tired of writing poems for you that you will never read because
It is pointless like everything I try to do
Lock me in a cabin in the woods until I have to consume my own hands to stay alive in the cold
That's what it feels like when I offer them over and again and I am forced to crawl back into
My individual world where only I understand and I can't let anyone in as
My want for you is as strong as a cannibal craving to eat you alive and washing you down with cheap red wine.

I realize the reason why I am so defensive around you
Is because if I wasn't, I would
Crumble from you attempting to shake my flaws off easy like dust on a shelf
It is not simple, I am not simple, and you already know this
I have to constantly remind myself I am something because
It is people like you that make me want to tear off my skin because it is not good enough
It is people like you that bring me up to drop me down
It is people like you that reinforce my delusion of being nothing.

Shrink me small enough to travel through your body at the speed of light sound vibrations to find your core of thought wavelength motivations slowly intoxicating from the poison you drink to numb them and I poetically overdose physically overdrive feel your pain thinking its mine and deciding this is not me anymore and that I no longer know who you are.

Why do you always return out of nowhere at the most inconveniently convenient time
Where do magicians go when they disappear, it's a secret we're all dying to know.

And did you know I talk to you when you sleep?
I shamelessly speak to you and you have no choice but to listen
Except it is not through your ears
You'll wake up suddenly and warm and I might cross your mind for a spontaneous split second
Like a tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon trying to recall your dreams but...you...just...can't...put your finger on it...

The phantom drifts around my room setting the stage for silent refuge
It fills my lungs with clouds and I lift up, up and fly
Eloquence through the flow of my body keeps my head safe inside.

Dropped into a glass
The chemical reaction is immediate
Watch me dissolve and dissolute
Drink me until you are immune
Until I have no more power left to cure you.

Sometimes it's difficult to be
Extrasensory
It's like
Being blind in a darkened room
Feeling around with a cane
But knowing
Exactly where everything is
And wondering why
You waste time taking baby steps
It's like
Predicting you will trip over the fold in the carpet
And then doing so anyway even though you're conscious of it
It's like
Experiencing everything
Even the bad things
Twice
Everything a deja vu
It barely surprises me, my mouth open in permanent awe from
Trying to meddle and change the outcome
But always
Failing
It's like
Watching the same movie with the same sad ending
Hoping every new time you press play
The guy wins the race
Or that the lovers won't die
But they do
Every time
Once, twice, a million times
A cinematic premonition
And I don't know why
I keep paying to see this ******* movie.

Where am I?
Have you seen me?
I am the tiniest object in an I Spy book
Strewn randomly in miscellaneous artful clutter
You scan in concentrated scrutiny but happen to see right past me
Eventually you give up and turn the page and I remain forever unfound.

Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking
Most likely considering the effortless exchange of our thoughts
It happens more than I let on noticed
Each hiding beneath the same shell with the illusion of invisibility
Contradictorily with razorsharp X-ray vision
I see right through you and you see right through me
The most introverted extroverts and pessimistic love addicts
Sometimes it feels as if we are looking at a mirror and there appears the other
As if we are the same person
And if I changed a perspective
Would yours shift as well?
It is these wonderful similarities that make us magnetic
And our bipolar tendencies that make me objectively view the potential
Our evolution is stumbling when we are wearing such armor on our hearts
What if my confusion is brought on by yours?
Why are we so scared?
The answer to that would probably be the same as mine
But we are both too stubborn
To surrender.

I have a very intriguing nerve to ask you what this is, now
But I fear if we gave it a name it would destroy itself, like everything I touch
If these voices in my head are accurate, which they usually are
I know that you know that we know that we've surpassed into the "more"
Because you could not say that this is nothing
This is not nothing
This is not nothing
But we only acknowledge it in those seconds we collide and ignite within our eyes beyond our bodies
Then, crash, our own individual chemicals released
Swirling around our helpless brains, breathing heavily
Our oxygen caught up in the smoke
Our hearts caught up with our actions
Realizing how vague the rules seem now, wanting to break them
Wanting to connect, wanting to run away from the temptation
Of falling madly and deeply...
No, the strength inside gained from loss before will not let me
I can, and will, resist to mention
Oh, but it feels so...
No, dopamine poisoning has taken control, this is only a passing wave
Or is it?...
Everything just disintegrates and morphs along the scale of time
We have mistakenly created an inpenetratable boundary
A barbwire fence, but the dark side taunts me to make my hands bleed attempting to climb over
I just want to see what it would be like...
I pull myself back together, pull my shirt back over my head
Solidify my own intentions, withstand inside my translucent shell
For we are water and if we are not contained we would leak everywhere.

Pull the masks from our faces to reveal...
Our eternally exquisite interiors
Like diamonds in the rough
Man-made tools would not be equipped to dig into the hardness of our pasts
That have cemented patterns and cyclone cycles
Unending spiraling of uncontrolled instinctive thoughts..

Stop.

Backtrack, rewind, stop.

Where did "I" begin?
And how have I become this way?

At the edge of space I contemplate
The best way to go about expressing this...this..
All-consuming breathless reckless calm frightened indifferent contradictory stillness
And I can't figure it out because it's not even words anymore
So I laugh and look up, around, and I feel so tiny and insignificant
Look back down and still just as small related to anything anyone everything everyone
Bemused and confused, still a little bruised
Either way I don't belong so I close my eyes and let go
Out
Of
My
Head
Soaring
Soaring
Soaring...
Oh
No
Oh
No
Oh
No
I think
I grabbed
A backpack
Instead of a
Parachute
So
If I
Shatter
When I
Crash
From being
Brutally
Exposed
Weak and
Unprotected
Just
Remember
That
At least I
Enjoyed
The fall,
The feeling.

I just want the pain to float away into outer space far far millions of light years away and fill me with vibrant healthy radiating luminescence to battle my worries that keep me awake and creating more anxieties upon my body aching contracting squeezing fear into tiny stress dynamites exploding inside internally introverted paranoia worst case scenario expectations this is probably nothing and I am driving myself sick with my illness of mind quantum imbalanced fields vibrating and reacting to thoughts well stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking stop feeling stop feeling stop feeling for just a second to pull this all together before I fall apart and disintegrate and my optimistic limbs fall off leaving me with empty pockets empty answers tests and x-rays determining the origin of breath loss gnawing biting monsters eating my structure within images of myself bleeding obliviously not waking up because I am too stubborn to acknowledge I am not invincible to myself anatomy is an art form and I painted this hurt.

You're smooth and lovely and you'll slip easily into my veins
But if there's anything I've learned is that no one knows how to change
I'll fool myself into thinking no, it's not the same
And keep dressing up pretty for another ***** game
The truth is no such animal is ever fully tamed
I'll be one step ahead in knowing this will only end in pain.

There's always been something about that feeling of books
Books rotting away beneath laminated covers
The fingerprints from hundreds thousands of ***** hands
All turning the pages, some slower than others, taking their precious time
Some hastier readers, eager to consume knowledge, there's not enough time
But me, I am caught in between
When I read, everything is still
The story pours out filling the emptiness of now
Frozen in a vocabulary paradise, a language of dreams
Not thinking about where I have been, where I am going
Just a limbo-land serenity
Where memories are freed and replaced with new fictional ones
The characters become my friends, my allies
The villains my villains
I feel their kisses when they kiss and the taste of food when the narrator eats
Absorbed in a false reality more so than this one
Some people drop acid and watch wonderland
And I prefer to dive into a sea of words
The waves lift me carefully and carry me away into a far away place
A parallel dimension, a paperback time machine
An hour fades into three, hunger pangs and missed phone calls but
I am on a cognitive vacation, having intellectual *******
And I want to stay here forever.