how does one so gracefully intertwine love and hate
as if it was an indistinguishable entity ever shifting through fluid states

an amoeba
elusive
esoteric

passion, not a substance but an undefined thing
it might not even exist if not on some quantum microscopic level where i live, where i have always lived
among the threads of the underworld  
tearing through realities
deciphering the dead languages that
may suggest an inclination of truth

we are stuck inside of a perpetual mirage
thirsting in the driest desert
believing we have finally reached water  
when there is nothing but sand

and we are still strangers who only find each other
in the starlit hours
our love is unconscious and ceases to exist
when you wake up in the morning, drink your coffee and realize you've made yet another mistake
you look at me as if you were expecting something better, lovelier
as if we did not travel through the nights so closely
as if we never went anywhere, as if we were never anything other than a dream

we've become walking coffins
throwing dirt on ourselves
with the idea that if we all
somehow, managed
to care less
loss will never find us
but the slow death of feeling
buries us alive

and i,
am not yet ready to die

darlings, you must remember
that the most beautiful things
will always **** you the best
that pieces of you will have to die
to become part of something else
it's a sacrifice we all make
it's the price we all pay
even if our pockets are empty and our hearts bled dry
we will give and give but never dare to take

during the quietest nights of self-examination,

i have come to the saddest of conclusions that perhaps

this depth is not to be shared: i am meant to swim alone while only once or twice reaching the surface to refill ever drowning lungs,
watching the faces above shifting through translucent waters 

some stop to stare and maybe stir the surface with their hands
because they have caught a glimpse of something unexplainable and shining
but never
 diving far enough to explore

and through this process i have decided you don’t love me because you’ve never known me
you are just another curious passerby
who doesn't have the time to hold their breath.

i could never live forever
i would spend all my days
trying to die

i want to
be the thing
you twirl
between
your fingers