If an extensive amount of sadness can create sickness,
then I am on my death bed.
At 7 in the evening,
It creeps up on me when I wish for my thoughts to be most at rest.
My legs and arms are numb.
They only make movements when my entire body begins to ache from one laying position.
My stomach suffers from an obsessive frenzy,
And I begin to believe
that my body is more focused on bringing me pain
than it is working against the pain.
At this point I don't mind.
My eyes are swollen shut from the lack of tears yet
heavy from the lack of dryness.
I have become vulnerable to my demons.
Because sadness can cause sickness and I am on my death bed,
and I don't care how long I go on without food for the mind
and food for the heart.
Because I am on my death bed.

I will never comprehend how someone discovers an abundance of energy through speaking maliciously about other people,
most they don't even know
personally.
I sit and allow the words to fly by my ears,
dodging them,
in hopes that they will not stick.
In hopes that I will not turn into them.
I know I've been the sweet taste in their mouth that they couldn't get rid of at one point.
Although that gives me an unsettling feeling,
I do not care.
But I feel for those who have an infinite place in their mouths.
It saddens me to know,
They are never there.
They are never there to hear the antagonistic words that are being spoken against them.
They are never there to defend themselves.
They are never there to fight back
and
learn a form of control that keeps them from stooping down to where those people swim around
like sharks,
below-sea level.
When will they find vacancy in speaking anything other positive  words that give life,
not death.

I am so intrigued by you.

What is it I want?
I want someone to hold me.
I want someone to know when to start and when to stop.
I want someone to look me in my eyes and tell me it's okay and watch as my heart begins to piece itself back together.
I want someone to be with me constantly, but not say a word.
So I won't be held to a high expectation to keep the laughter echoing and the smiles effortless.
I want them to know that I am not okay, but I am.
What is it I want.
I want someone to hold me.

All of my pours have opened,
Spilling out a liquid that I didn't know was my own.
My body shudders.
I thought you were vital to me.
But look.
I am still breathing.
A harsh reality that although I was stuck deep in quick sand-
I had a way out.

my temptations fall through every time you draw near.
at night, my thoughts find me as i have become restless-
thinking of you equates to temptations that i convince myself are more than fictional and self-made desires.
maybe one day my temptations won't fall through when you draw near.
maybe when i see your smile,
i will act on my urges.
maybe i won't be fearful, instead i will be fearless.
and when that day comes,
my nights will be full with rest and dreams of us as a result of acting out of self-made desires.

I swallowed you whole.
Wishing I had been stronger to fend you off.
But I lack deceitfulness
Because
I did find a great amount of happiness from letting you
inside me.
But I lack a heart and mind
Because
I suffered
greatly.
I wish I hadn't swallowed you whole.
But
I'm so glad that I did.

Nearly two decades on this earth and the only time I felt love,
it brought pain so intolerable that I bid to myself that I would find love in anything other than human connection.
Yet, age and time has aided in my healing and now I'm filled to the brim with an inconceivable amount of love.
Part of me wants to experience love in the ways that I once felt it, even if the pain will leave injury too deep to heal.
Yet, now that I am older, I know that love isn't supposed to hurt more than it is suppose to heal.
And my mind no longer consists of spiral steps and puzzles.
Two decades on this earth and I have finally begun to understand my emotions..
I have molded myself into someone who is able to give and receive love. I have become someone who is able to become vulnerable without opening airways for toxicity to seep in.
Two decades and I am ready to immerse myself in someone. To uplift someone in the ways that I wish people would have for me, to love in the way that I have never been, and to groom and harvest roots that grow for years.
Now that I am older, now that I have healed from the first, I bid to myself that I will unapologetically love. I will do it with everything in me. I will do it right, I will love raw and whole.

the pain i felt
had always been translated into
silent seconds spent
watching my own blood spill over

the pain I feel
is translated into
silent minutes spent
watching as my hand trembles anxiously
to release any toxic feelings
onto a sheet of paper that'll soon be disposed of

the pain I will feel
will translate into
silent hours spent
hearing my insides rattle
and
experiencing my whole world becoming
blurred
from the lack of dryness in my eyes.

the pain I have felt
has made me feel weak

the pain I feel
has made me feel strong

the pain I will feel
will make me
weak,
strong and
tired.

I miss your presence hanging over me
constantly.
I fear your absence.
I fear you.
I don't deserve your love.
Every day I wake up,
I am reminded of that.
Can I do right long enough that it doesn't become a cycle?
A cycle of me doing your will and then slipping back into sin only to surrender and do it all over again.
How foolish would it be if I asked to be perfect.
If I was perfect,
Perhaps I would do right-
All the time.
I wouldn't have to worry,
And neither would you.
I am exhausted from my constant persistence in wanting half of you and half of this life.
That frightens me.
You said,
you will spit out all who are
Lukewarm.
So often do I
Command you to turn around as I sin,
so that you won't see my wrongdoings.
I am afraid that one day,
As I command you again
You will turn your back forever.
Forgive me,
I give myself to you.
I want to feel meaning again.
I want to be happy.
I want to live for something full of worth.
I want to live for you, God.
Why has it become so hard for me to stick to this?
Mold me.
Show me all of the reasons why I should give all of myself to you.
Show me all of the reasons why this sin-bound world can't even own up to half of who you are.
Fill me up with your abundance.
So that others can see,
That although you can't be seen and not always heard,
Your power
And your love is so captivating and significant.
Once it is felt, it is so difficult to ignore.

My voice echoes through a narrow corridor.
Vacant.
My veins slowly begin freezing up into ice.
I feel deeply saddened.
An ache that calls out and receives no reply,
no therapy.
My body shuts down.
As if being controlled by a remote
far out of my reach.
Speak out-
To me.
I ache for someone to tell me it's okay to stop being
strong.
It's okay to be helpless.
For once.
Then
will I feel,
My entire body
Coming alive.
In acceptance.
In fulfillment.
In peace.

I've wasted nights listening to the rain fall so rapidly,
that my head would start to spin from motion sickness.

I wondered,
how could rain fall so fast?

How could anything fall so fast and so helplessly?

But then I thought of you.

as I journey back into the depths of my memory
the sun begins to run away
and
the clouds start to loiter throughout the sky

I see glimpses of when you were all i thought I needed
and the short span of time that we were paralyzed in love
my fingers would tremble in your hands
and your lips would rotate this way and that
forming sentences that I had never wanted to hear

all I wanted was to be loved
but as I venture deeper and deeper into those memories,
It pains me to know
our definitions of love were so different
and so complex

Isn't it fascinating, how some people work?
You could give all of yourself to a person
yet
they still insist on confining you
because of their knowledge that
no matter how far you are
pushed, pulled, dropped, sunk,
Your love for that person goes far beyond all the wrong they put you through.

Isn't it fascinating how
when we are filled with unconditional love for someone,
their empty words and vacant smiles
fill us up.
They fill us up with such happiness and yearn to keep going
We feel as though their presence is what keeps us going

But

Isn't it fascinating how,
One day
We arise in the morning,
And realize
How much we sacrificed
For someone who only found interest
In being loved
Not loving.