my temptations fall through every time you draw near.
at night, my thoughts find me as i have become restless-
thinking of you equates to temptations that i convince myself are more than fictional and self-made desires.
maybe one day my temptations won't fall through when you draw near.
maybe when i see your smile,
i will act on my urges.
maybe i won't be fearful, instead i will be fearless.
and when that day comes,
my nights will be full with rest and dreams of us as a result of acting out of self-made desires.

I used to be convinced that we were made for one person.
I used to believe that one love was so powerful that it would keep someone investing more and more of their heart until there was nothing left to give.
But now, after 18 years of life I see that love is not constricted to one person.
One heart can be made for more than one person.
In the past four years,
love has found me in three different vessels.
Three different vessels have taken and given me nameless things that I would not have been given from anyone else.
So now I wonder,
how much of my heart will be left once I meet the love meant for the rest of time?
Or will I actually meet a long lasting love or continue to find love in different people?
How many vessels are my heart made for?

a year ago, i spent most nights engulfing myself in meadows and forests strictly dreamed up through words.
but today,
i have noticed that words don't flow as easily out of my mind;
as i have no inspiration to write like i did before.
tears don't fall as frequently
and i am starting to wonder if you become less susceptible to pain as you age.
i don't stay up late thinking of things that my mind would have drowned me in, a year ago.
i have accepted the changes of early adulthood and i feel less naive and youthful.
I remember being younger and feeling so misunderstood by adults.
"I mean, they used to be my age" I would think, "they should understand more"
but now i see it
now i feel it.
They mature, whether they meant to or not they
matured and forgot what it was to be young.
And for most, they didn't even see that they changed but i saw it.
I am seeing it everyday.
I see it in myself.
I saw it when i picked up a pencil and minutes passed where no meadows and forests had been dreamed up.
I felt it when i was wrapped in a cocoon of blanket and instead of sadness crippling me, i lay thinking of my next pay check and how i was going to spread it out over two weeks evenly.
now, everyone ages in their own way.
everyone loses their youthfulness in different forms.
i noticed through my lack of creativity and inspiration to write.
and in a sense, i am relieved.
because i don't expend energy over things that don't matter,
i breathe easier now,
i see things clearly,
i am more level-headed.
and even though i may be the adult that doesn't understand the child fully,
i haven't forgotten what it is to be young.
as i search for youth constantly
and pick at my brain until i dream up worlds as easily as i had a year ago so that while i age, i don't forget.
youthfulness is beautiful but i believe aging is too.

I fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
My body vulnerable and curled up against his.
Relaxation and peace flooded my body.

I haven't been this happy in a long time

Being beside someone who's intentions are pure for you,
Sleeping alongside someone who's feelings are mutual,
That is happiness.

*That is love

I walk with an ache in my heart*
and an unsteady beat
beckoning to be heard
outside of the boundaries of my mind.

I am homesick
for places I have not yet been to.

I walk with exhaustion.
From the lack of surprise that surges through the foundations of my surroundings.
Nothing is new.

Therefore

I am homesick
Aching for new beginnings
And excitement
And the feeling of not knowing.

I am homesick.

I am knee deep in my thoughts,
Dazed from the amount of times I have spun around in circles.
Unraveling myself from my minds grasp.
Thinking doesn't control me,
Thinking controls my emotions.
I am knee deep in my thoughts.
Dazed from the amount of air lacking in my system.