AJ - Hello Poetry

AJ Sep 2013

I feel genuinely not okay
On a daily basis.
It is a sincere struggle to pry myself out of bed,
Or take a shower,
Or go outside.
So I am baffled at the thought
Of having to do work
And look presentable all the time.
I can barely breath right now.

AJ Sep 2013

Moja Miłość

The unkempt cluster of hair piled on the top of her head
The little wispy curls on the back of her neck.
That grey over sized, off the shoulder Tshirt.
Her slightly crooked glasses
That obtained that characteristic
When she not so gracefully sat on them.
The squeal she makes when I play that one song.
The smile she makes when I pull away from a kiss.
The eyes that actually show you another world.
Where the sky is silver, and the water is green, and the earth is blue.
And I can fly.

AJ Sep 2013

Son XII

Collin had a bit of a melt down a few minutes ago
He is in time out now.
You can't just spill juice on the floor, Collin.
No ghost tricks without my permission.
Four year olds are the biggest handfuls.
I am ignoring his constant attempts to get my attention.
Ugh
Parenting.

Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.

AJ Sep 2013

Sana Mehaidli

You look at me like I created the oceans,
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's just too bad that you set my pedestal to self destruct,
So that I'd feel like a suicide bomber.

AJ Sep 2013

Półowa i półowa

I purged three times today.
This is the ******* life.
I hate it.

On the other hand

I showed my self control three times today.
I'm getting back on track.
I love it.

AJ Sep 2013

Get Out of My Place

I was literally *****
Over four years ago,
And I'm not over it yet.
I feel so ******* defeated.
And I've neer stop thinking
"I might as well just **** myself now,
Because this is pretty ******* pathetic."
But I'm still here.
And I think I regret the decision
To stay in this world.
But I'm not sure.
I'm just so ******* defeated.
And I know it's up to me to fix my problems
And be my own hero
And put positivity into my life.
But I tried
And I can't
And I'm weak.
And I realize it's supposed to be hard.
But I actually can't do it.
I hate him.
And I hate you.
And I hate who I am.
And I hate
I hate
I hate.

AJ Sep 2013

I'm Going To. I'm Really Working On It. I Promise.

I am anxiously awaiting the day when
I am not afraid of
I am not obsessed with
I am not stressed over
I am not anxious thinking about
I am not sick because of
Food.

But at the same time....

I just crave the days where
I would have two bites of a pancake all day long,
And rewarded myself with not having
To down half a loaf of bread,
Or purge everything up.

The days where I'd have more than 300 calories
And want to slit my ******* wrists,
But my slashes it got me to get rid of those calories.

The days when I felt empty
And empty felt full
And full felt clean
And clean felt light
And light felt healthy
And healthy felt thin.

My teeth can rot.
My muscles can ache.
My legs can bleed.
I just want to go back to that.

It's not as easy as I remember
Getting back into the habit.
I know once I'm there
It's smooth sailing.

It's killing me either way.