All my life has been is a constant flow of anger and anxiety and its ******* killing me.
It's stopped me functioning normally.
Whenever it got too bad I would just drink myself into a stupor in an attempt to drown my sorrows.
The feelings of anger and anxiety rise to the surface and leave me making even more regrettable decisions.
I'm anxious about being so angry and I'm angry at myself about being so anxious.
Both of those feelings have ****** up too many things for me and I don't want to let it ruin anything else.
I would end it all but I'm too anxious to finally get rid of the anxiety

You always had your
Captivating eyes
Cheeky smile
Haughty stance
To persuade me
And you knew
That I couldn't resist
Your wicked ways.

I've got a pathetic schoolgirl crush
On the guy down the road
Who I have never spoken to
But know enough about.

I see him in the mornings
Waiting for his bus
I see him in the evenings
Getting on my bus.

When I'm near him
I can't look at him
No matter how much I want to
Because I don't want him to know.

I want him to notice me
I don't want him to notice me noticing him.

I want to know him.

I find myself spiraling
Into a pit of anxiety
Every time my control
Is snatched away
Every time someone else
Takes charge
And says
'Leave it to me'
My heart pumps faster
My chest feels tight
My leg starts to shake
And I can't trust people
To do the right thing
One part of my mind
Believes they mean well
And will help me
But the other part
The irrational part
Will lead me elsewhere
Down a path of despair
And anxiety
Coming up with scenarios
That would never happen
In a million years
But anything seems possible
When you have no control

So there we were
Sat in dingy little cafe
With Cappuccino's in front of us,
Talking.

I,
Excited,
With my make up done and my hair just right,
Finally talking to guy I have been fawning over for months.
The guy I was still too shy to talk to,
Even after we'd made each others acquaintance,
Was sitting in front of me
Making jokes and asking questions,
His green eyes boring a hole in mine.

He,
About to leave,
So that he could meet his girlfriend.

The bubble was burst.
The parade was rained on.
What a waste.

I know what you told the other girls,
I know what you told me,
I just wonder what you told the new girl,
In order to get her into your bed.

They say a change is as good as a rest
And I didn't realise how true that was
Until I was sat in that quiet pub
In Glasgow on a Saturday night
With him buying me drinks and cuddling up
Telling everyone I was of age
And that we were together.
Customers came and went
But we just sat there for a while
Enjoying each others company.
Telling me how much I'd grown up
Since the last time he saw me
When I was the little girl
Who would get embarrassed
Whenever he talked to me
Because he was a big kid.
Telling him that he hadn't changed
And that he was still the handsome young man
I remember having a crush on.
Telling him that I've got an early start tomorrow
And that I need to catch up on some sleep.
Hinting more like.
He took the hint like I hoped he would
And we returned to that simple flat of his.
And after the wonderful night we shared
I woke up in the morning feeling better than ever
As if all my problems had melted away in the heat of the night.
I had never felt so refreshed and genuinely happy
And there he was staring at me and smiling
My heart broke as I realised I had to say goodbye
And it all came crashing down again.
I had to leave Scotland and him behind again.

Do not mistake my kindness for flirting.
It is not an invitation to ***** me.
I came here for the art.
Not to socialize with geriatric perverts.

You used to trace patterns
Across my back
With your finger
After ***
And we'd lie there in silence
And I'd fall asleep feeling safe
With your skin on my skin
You would carry on well after I drifted off
I would wake up if you stopped too suddenly
I was sensitive like that
The vulnerable feeling would return
But I had to learn not to rely on you
To make me feel safe
Because when you left
I had to toughen up again
So I didn't feel so exposed
When your absent hands
Were tracing patterns on someone else's back
And whenever you came back to me
And you'd trace along my skin again
It was as if your fingers were empty
Hollow

It is days like these which hurt the most.
The days where all emotion is drained from you
And you are left wondering why you are so very empty.
Why you are so apathetic.
And it scares you
Because you are so used to feeling one extreme or another.

I'd rather be spiraling down into a deep depression.
I'd rather be as high as a ******* kite.
At least it means I know how I'm feeling.
At least I'm not empty, wondering who I am
And where I belong, because it sure isn't here.

I can adapt to my sadness.
I can learn
To cope with the bouts of tears.
To understand my hatred of myself.
To prevent the existential crises.

I can adapt to my mania.
I can learn
To cope with the bouts of laughter.
To understand the delusional thoughts
To prevent the existential crises.

I can't adapt to emptiness
I can't learn
To cope with what?
To understand what?
To prevent what?

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
When there is nothing being felt
There is nothing to analyse
And nothing to act on.

And to be completely honest
I am comfortable in my instability.
It may be horrible.
It may make me doubt my worth.
It may make me want to die.
It may make me want to take over the world.
But I doubt I could live out my life
Feeling as empty as I do now
Without ending it all.
And I hate to say that
My mental illness saved my life
Although I'm not as grateful as I should be
For something that saved me
Because it destroyed me as simultaneously.

I thought living on my own for the week would be empowering. Turns out it’s just lonely.
When this place holds so many amazing memories, it’s horrible to be in it alone.
When I walk around all I can do is remember everything. The good and the bad.
With him.
I remember the littlest things he did. Here. There. I remember where we fought, where we made up, where we said goodbye.
With them.
Singing. Drinking. Having a good time, reminding me that there is much more fun to be had in our short lives. With me.
There doesn’t seem to be much. Just this emptiness and longing for other people.

I know where each of your 13 tattoos are
Even if I don't know what some of them mean.
I know your middle name
And that your dad wanted it to be your first.
We could stay up until 5am
While you sung along passionately to our favourite songs.
You always kept a ready stock of Stella Artois in the fridge
In preparation for coming home after a tough day at the office.
I know that you had dreams of being a pilot
You never told me why you couldn't be one
I know it upset you.
You have that small scar on your torso that never fully healed
After a night out got a bit out of hand.
You don't like smoking
Except when you're drunk or just after ***.
I know that we have the same favourite movie.
I remember how passionate you could be
How determined
How confident
I loved that about you.

I hope I am remembering correctly
Because I miss all these things and more.

You didn't deserve those harsh words
I threw at you the other night,
And I don’t deserve your forgiveness.

We hurled spiteful, bitter spikes at each other.
Mine bounced off of you,
Yours sunk deep into my chest, and stayed for a while.

Shouting and screaming,
Not knowing quite why.
And it was all my fault that things went awry.

I doubted your motives,
I didn't want to be vulnerable in front of you.
So instead, I turned against you and fought, unnecessarily.

I left, to contemplate what had happened.
I came back, to make amends, and take back those spikes of mine,
And you collected yours as well, and promised to throw them away.

And so we sat there, I in your embrace,
Taking advantage of this intimacy while I could,
Because this isn't going to last.

I still doubt your motives, your words, this whole relationship,
But the shame, guilt, secrecy and sneaking around,
Do not nearly outweigh the bliss I feel when I am with you.

Not even a little bit.

I want to be sober
When I wake up
On the right side
Of the right bed.

The right side
Of your bed
Is a heaven on earth
That I desperately crave

If I'm intoxicated
Like I so often am
Then I can't appreciate
What I really have.

If not, I can appreciate
The man I love
And the time we spend
Doing what lovers do.

You, the first, were totally wrong for me
But I couldn't resist falling madly in love with you.
We both knew we wouldn't last, you were sweet about it
But I made myself feel totally used by you.
What we had was pure meaningless passion
But as fun as it was, it meant I had those creeping feelings of worthlessness.
When we fought, I felt like my world was crashing down
But when we made up, I felt like you built it back up again.
You finally left me on a hot day in May
But I console myself with the fact that it was inevitable.

You, the current, are kind and genuine
But I rarely get to see that because I rarely get to see you.
We're such similar beings except you are a good person
But that's what made me love you.
I envy you your sense of compassion that radiates through your skin
But the fact that you project it on to me, gives me a sense of worth.
We share some fun-filled days and intimate nights
But I have to cherish every one of them as I never know when the next will be.
And who knows where this relationship will go
But I do know that you bring out the best in me, and I don't want to bring you down.

And I realise these men are polar opposites.
One made me feel better than him.
One makes me feel better because of him.
They may not always be in my heart,
But they will always be in my head.

I have an issue with people.
They make me either very scared or very uncomfortable.
Is it my fault? Have I built total strangers up in my head to be dangerous individuals?
Or are those adorable old ladies at the bus stop going to **** me if I get any closer to them? Probably yes so I’ll walk in the opposite direction.

I have an issue with people.
They make me either very vulnerable or very closed off.
It is my fault. I constantly struggle to decide who is worthy of my trust and who is not. The ***** who is manipulating me gets more attention than the nice guy who I've pushed away.

I have an issue with people.
They make me doubt everything I have ever known.
It is all my fault. I focus to much of my mental energy, thinking and thinking about people. Analysing every flippant comment they make and taking everything to heart.

I shouldn't be around people.

I finally talked to him
Its been weeks, months since I first wanted to.
And it didn't take courage
It took cunning.
I couldn't have done it if my friend wasn't there
Asking all the important questions on my behalf.
So really I'm still scared
Even if I did pipe up eventually.
But talking to him for a good hour
Was even better than I ever imagined.

I am standing there in the street
Screaming at you through the phone
Not putting up with your abuse.

You are right.
I'm a heartless *****.
I am stubborn.
I don't give you a chance to talk.
I am hiding you from my parents.
I do have issues.
But those aren't your problems to point out.

I wont put up with you trying to change me.
I don't claim to be a good girlfriend
In fact I warned you I wasn't
But you thought you could handle it.
That is what you were wrong about.
And I was wrong about you
Thinking you were as lovely as you seemed on the surface
Because it was too good to be true.
This break-up we have just endured
Is for the best.

This overwhelming temptation
To give into this addiction,
Rather than suppressing it,
Training myself to be
Someone that is no longer free.

How can you tell me you love me
When you spend nights in bars
Trying to stop the lonely feeling
But never succeeding.
How can you tell me that I am
In your thoughts at 3am
When you can't sleep anymore
And beside you is another lonely *****.
How can you tell me you've changed
When you keep those habits
You said you'd break
As if your personality were faked.
How can you tell me all of these lies
About where you are and how you've been
Expecting me to believe
Expecting me to never leave.

We are sisters in the least emotional sense of the word.
I have my life and she has hers.
Those two lives rarely collide.
When they do its full of awkward silences and small talk.

Today she took me drinking.
She bought me pints and shared her baccy.
Because her little sister is all grown up now.
Drinking and smoking, just like her.
So why not bond over it.

And for once today
I felt like she saw me
As a real person,
And not the little girl
That stole her dad away from her.

I live on a steady diet
Of self-loathing and anxiety,
At least I know I will never be malnourished.
I will never go hungry.
By feeding myself this negativity
I’ve developed a barrier
High enough so that no-one can deprive me
Of what I need to survive.
By feeding myself this negativity
I’ve become stronger,
It protects me from predators,
Trying to claw and tear me to shreds.
I am no longer allergic to their toxicity.
I’ve become tolerant.
I’ve become immune.
I’ve become invincible.

Ahh ****
how high do i have to be to do something productive
do something that doesnt involve
drinking
or *******
and especially looking back on my life
what i call the great Munro disaster of the 90's

i think everything is a great idea until i do it
-talking to anyone
-falling in love with the wrong people
-******* the wrong people
-breathing

i dont know
what my message here is
but it doesnt matter anyway
because its just a string of words
to make people feel something
but i feel very little
and so i need a slap in the face

I miss you so much that I can feel it driving me crazy.
I miss you so much that all I can think about is you.
It's hopeless.

It's gotten to the point where I will listen to you prattle on
About football over the phone, and not care or tell you I'm bored
Because I just want to hear your voice and feel your presence.

It's gotten to the point where I want to book a coach ticket
Then run into your embrace when I arrive at Glasgow station
Like in those cheesy romantic comedies we both hate.

When I feel the way I do about you
Everything I see is automatically filtered through
Until it reminds me of you.

I miss you so much and it pains me whenever I'm not with you.
I'm not usually one to express feelings of romance unless they're bitter or ******,
But ****, you bring out a side of me I didn't know existed.

I know your name
And the bus you take at 8:15 in the morning
Right after you get a large coffee.
I know you like to have a smoke
Before you get on the same bus as me in the evening.
I know who our mutual friends are
They are how I know who you are.

We're always around each other
I see you nearly everyday
But we haven't spoken
No matter how much I would like to.

I know some things about you
But I don't know you.
You intrigue me.
You're quiet mystery intrigues me.
Oh, what I would give to really know you.

You ruined me
And I thought I could never be whole again
So after months of wallowing in self pity
I learnt how to pick up the pieces
Put them in a nearly perfect order
And carry on with my life
Almost as if you never left a mark.

But you did leave a mark
It may be faded
But it's there and if you look closely enough
You can see it
Peaking out as if it was sick of being suppressed
Well I am sick of suppressing it.

That mark will stay with me forever
I can only hope
That the connotations of said mark
Will change, from feelings of anger
To feelings of empty nostalgia
Recognizing your presence in my life
But not missing it.

I don't want to stop losing sleep over you
No matter how exhausted I am
Every morning.
If I stop losing sleep over you
It means you're out of my mind
And I can't imagine a mind of mine
That you don't occupy.

this has been
by far
the most interesting year of my life
and not because its been so recent that i forgot what the others were like
i have learnt so much
i didn't **** up my education
i got involved with good people
and bad people
and learnt not to be a ******* pushover
i broke a heart
that claimed to had suffered enough
i stayed up until 7am and got high with people i love
i sat in fields and did nothing while it ****** down with rain
i ****** up a lot
and then again
not so much
and i want this coming year
to be filled
with more adventure than i can handle
so that i can learn more

He can't handle me
But he doesn't realise it
Because he doesn't know me
Well enough to grasp
The fact that I'm not worth
The pain I'll put him through
With the instability I express.

He thinks he can kiss it better
And his mere presence in my life
Will get rid of all the pain,
But he doesn't understand
That my life doesn't revolve around him
And sooner or later
He wont be in it at all.

So here I am
Once again
Trying to drown
My awful thoughts
With the bottle of *****
I hold so close to me.

Lighting cigarette
After cigarette
Hoping the the smoke
I hold in my lungs
Will replace the emptiness
I have inside me.

But each sip of *****
Fuels more and more
Undesirable thoughts
And each inhalation
Of cigarette smoke
Reminds me I'm still alone.

I slip slowly into
A drunken stupor
And shed my tears
Like I would shed my skin
And when I wake up tomorrow
I will be as good as new.

This is my ritual
To **** myself
And be reborn the next day
Whenever the burden
Is too heavy
And I need a clean slate.

Anti- depressants didn't work
They took me off
I was doing well without it
But look who got another prescription today
For anti- psychotics
Which scare the **** out of me
And may not even do the trick.

She is on the rocks and every smile he throws at her
Makes her less and less stable, knocking her back, making her regret
All the times she said something, all the times she never said anything.
She wants to be howling again
Howling at him, at the stars and the moon, at the world
So that everyone knows she can feel something
And that she isn't just a cold and heartless wretch
Who knew the meaning
But forgot the feeling
Of love, of hate, of pain, of pride.
She doesn't know that she is perfect in his eyes,
In everyone's eyes.
She tunes out the affection
That she so desperately craves.
She is convinced that the world is working against her.
It has been working in her favor ever since she brought into
The world she thinks to be so harsh.

I was not born to be used
To be walked all over
To be at your beck and call
And then just disappear.
You can't change me and then leave.

At first I just wanted your attention and passion.
I guess I got greedy, and wanted your love too.

When I first felt your lips on mine
I didn't prepare for life 6 months down the road.
I didn't prepare for being just a passing fancy.
I didn't prepare for nights spent missing you.

I didn't prepare for laughing and joking with you
Pretending I don't know what each of your tattoos are of.
Pretending you don't know what I look like when I first wake up.
Pretending I have never seen that little scar across your torso.
Pretending my clothes haven't been strewn across your floor.
Pretending we've never caressed each others bare skin.

The last 7 nights have been sleepless
No matter how tired I feel
I can't get the sweet release of sleep.
I have to live in constant pain
That a myriad of painkillers
Can't manage to drown out.
I drag my feet
When I walk
Down the street
And
Scream in pain
When I sit down
The wrong way.
I don't know how long I can live like this
I feel like a zombie.

You pulled up in front of my house
And my god, I didn't want to get out of your car
I wanted to slowly reach for the handle
And be pulled back by my arm
Into your embrace
Before we drove off into the distance

Together

But as I reached for the handle
I felt nothing on my arm pulling me back
So I kissed you on the cheek
And stepped out of your car
Walking to the door of my house
Before I turned around and saw you
Driving off into the distance

Without me

I watch him smoke cigarette after cigarette
And think about how lucky I am
To share myself with such a person
Who can stimulate such joy and passion
In such an emotionally closed off person.

Feeling is so crucial.
Our first real sense.
In the mental and the physical sense.
As I feel your arms around me, I feel safe.
As you feel me so close to you, I don't know what you feel.
Do you feel?
Are you capable?
Or is it a skill only I possess.
It feels more like a curse.
It feels like one. But it isn't.
Can you feel this? Or this?
I know you can feel it physically.
The look on your face tells me how much you can feel it.
How much you enjoy it.
But can you feel it?
In your head? In your heart? In your soul?
My mind would be at ease,
If I knew you felt something
Underneath your flawless skin.
If you had intangible feelings
As well as ones that occur
When I caress the curves of your body.
I hope I'm wrong about you.
Your feelings and intentions.
I hope you do have them, and good ones at that.
To feel is a wonderful thing.
It holds so much significance in our lives.
Obviously more in mine than yours.
And for that, I feel so used.

You bring out the worst in me.
You make me envy others.

I envy the girls who catch your eye.
When I see you captivated by their looks and words,
I realise that I am just a passing fancy.

I envy the people who see you every day,
So much so that they can take it for granted.
When I see you, I have to take advantage of every second.

I envy the girl at the coffee shop,
Who takes your order in the morning.
She already knows more about you than I do.

I envy all the people you care for,
The ones you have time for.
But not me, because I'm insignificant to you.

Girls like her are always bad news...

They will play with your heart.
They will toy with your mind.
They will drink you down like a shot of tequila.
They will make you forget any other girl who caught your fancy.
They will devour your soul.
They will shred your spirit.
They will drain you of your all.
They will make you lose your will to live.

Falling in love with a girl like her will feel like being pushed from a great height, to your inevitable death.
You will still think it was worth it, when you see that smile.

You, my sweet,
Are undeserving
Of the burden I lay upon you
So carelessly.
You say you want to carry me
But I fear
The ball of anxiety in my chest
Will make me heavier than I already am,
Too heavy to hold.

I don't want your
Arms to break
Back to ache
Face to redden
Smile to drop
Jaw to clench
Eyes to lose the beautiful light they have within them
Passion to die
Because of insensitivity.
My insensitivity.

The guilt would rip me apart.
So why don't we stop kidding ourselves
And end it all
Before the resentment grows
And the anger boils up inside of us?

Why not?
Because you are the only one
Who makes me feel safe
In this chaotic space.

The rain starts to beat down on the windows again.
You'd begun to forget what it sounded like, it had been so long.
All the leaves are turning brown and the garden is bereft of the colours it used to sport.
You'd spent so much time planting your flowers try to make something in your life beautiful.
Everyone is bringing out their woolly jumpers again to protect themselves from the bitter coldness.
You'd never managed to tan your milky skin the natural way anyway.
Autumn is coming.
And Autumn leads to Winter.
You'd never liked Winter.
It reminded you of me.
It reminds me of you too.

I never liked my name

Until I heard you

Whisper it

Into my ear eagerly

And

Scream it

In the heat of the night

And

Sigh it

Into my mouth wearily.