I've got a pathetic schoolgirl crush
On the guy down the road
Who I have never spoken to
But know enough about.

I see him in the mornings
Waiting for his bus
I see him in the evenings
Getting on my bus.

When I'm near him
I can't look at him
No matter how much I want to
Because I don't want him to know.

I want him to notice me
I don't want him to notice me noticing him.

I want to know him.

I thought living on my own for the week would be empowering. Turns out it’s just lonely.
When this place holds so many amazing memories, it’s horrible to be in it alone.
When I walk around all I can do is remember everything. The good and the bad.
With him.
I remember the littlest things he did. Here. There. I remember where we fought, where we made up, where we said goodbye.
With them.
Singing. Drinking. Having a good time, reminding me that there is much more fun to be had in our short lives. With me.
There doesn’t seem to be much. Just this emptiness and longing for other people.

How can you tell me you love me
When you spend nights in bars
Trying to stop the lonely feeling
But never succeeding.
How can you tell me that I am
In your thoughts at 3am
When you can't sleep anymore
And beside you is another lonely *****.
How can you tell me you've changed
When you keep those habits
You said you'd break
As if your personality were faked.
How can you tell me all of these lies
About where you are and how you've been
Expecting me to believe
Expecting me to never leave.

You ruined me
And I thought I could never be whole again
So after months of wallowing in self pity
I learnt how to pick up the pieces
Put them in a nearly perfect order
And carry on with my life
Almost as if you never left a mark.

But you did leave a mark
It may be faded
But it's there and if you look closely enough
You can see it
Peaking out as if it was sick of being suppressed
Well I am sick of suppressing it.

That mark will stay with me forever
I can only hope
That the connotations of said mark
Will change, from feelings of anger
To feelings of empty nostalgia
Recognizing your presence in my life
But not missing it.

I know where each of your 13 tattoos are
Even if I don't know what some of them mean.
I know your middle name
And that your dad wanted it to be your first.
We could stay up until 5am
While you sung along passionately to our favourite songs.
You always kept a ready stock of Stella Artois in the fridge
In preparation for coming home after a tough day at the office.
I know that you had dreams of being a pilot
You never told me why you couldn't be one
I know it upset you.
You have that small scar on your torso that never fully healed
After a night out got a bit out of hand.
You don't like smoking
Except when you're drunk or just after ***.
I know that we have the same favourite movie.
I remember how passionate you could be
How determined
How confident
I loved that about you.

I hope I am remembering correctly
Because I miss all these things and more.

this has been
by far
the most interesting year of my life
and not because its been so recent that i forgot what the others were like
i have learnt so much
i didn't **** up my education
i got involved with good people
and bad people
and learnt not to be a ******* pushover
i broke a heart
that claimed to had suffered enough
i stayed up until 7am and got high with people i love
i sat in fields and did nothing while it ****** down with rain
i ****** up a lot
and then again
not so much
and i want this coming year
to be filled
with more adventure than i can handle
so that i can learn more

Ahh ****
how high do i have to be to do something productive
do something that doesnt involve
drinking
or *******
and especially looking back on my life
what i call the great Munro disaster of the 90's

i think everything is a great idea until i do it
-talking to anyone
-falling in love with the wrong people
-******* the wrong people
-breathing

i dont know
what my message here is
but it doesnt matter anyway
because its just a string of words
to make people feel something
but i feel very little
and so i need a slap in the face