You, my sweet,
Are undeserving
Of the burden I lay upon you
So carelessly.
You say you want to carry me
But I fear
The ball of anxiety in my chest
Will make me heavier than I already am,
Too heavy to hold.

I don't want your
Arms to break
Back to ache
Face to redden
Smile to drop
Jaw to clench
Eyes to lose the beautiful light they have within them
Passion to die
Because of insensitivity.
My insensitivity.

The guilt would rip me apart.
So why don't we stop kidding ourselves
And end it all
Before the resentment grows
And the anger boils up inside of us?

Why not?
Because you are the only one
Who makes me feel safe
In this chaotic space.

The last 7 nights have been sleepless
No matter how tired I feel
I can't get the sweet release of sleep.
I have to live in constant pain
That a myriad of painkillers
Can't manage to drown out.
I drag my feet
When I walk
Down the street
And
Scream in pain
When I sit down
The wrong way.
I don't know how long I can live like this
I feel like a zombie.

I was not born to be used
To be walked all over
To be at your beck and call
And then just disappear.
You can't change me and then leave.

At first I just wanted your attention and passion.
I guess I got greedy, and wanted your love too.

When I first felt your lips on mine
I didn't prepare for life 6 months down the road.
I didn't prepare for being just a passing fancy.
I didn't prepare for nights spent missing you.

I didn't prepare for laughing and joking with you
Pretending I don't know what each of your tattoos are of.
Pretending you don't know what I look like when I first wake up.
Pretending I have never seen that little scar across your torso.
Pretending my clothes haven't been strewn across your floor.
Pretending we've never caressed each others bare skin.

So there we were
Sat in dingy little cafe
With Cappuccino's in front of us,
Talking.

I,
Excited,
With my make up done and my hair just right,
Finally talking to guy I have been fawning over for months.
The guy I was still too shy to talk to,
Even after we'd made each others acquaintance,
Was sitting in front of me
Making jokes and asking questions,
His green eyes boring a hole in mine.

He,
About to leave,
So that he could meet his girlfriend.

The bubble was burst.
The parade was rained on.
What a waste.

I find myself spiraling
Into a pit of anxiety
Every time my control
Is snatched away
Every time someone else
Takes charge
And says
'Leave it to me'
My heart pumps faster
My chest feels tight
My leg starts to shake
And I can't trust people
To do the right thing
One part of my mind
Believes they mean well
And will help me
But the other part
The irrational part
Will lead me elsewhere
Down a path of despair
And anxiety
Coming up with scenarios
That would never happen
In a million years
But anything seems possible
When you have no control

I finally talked to him
Its been weeks, months since I first wanted to.
And it didn't take courage
It took cunning.
I couldn't have done it if my friend wasn't there
Asking all the important questions on my behalf.
So really I'm still scared
Even if I did pipe up eventually.
But talking to him for a good hour
Was even better than I ever imagined.