I dewelled on the thought of trying to fix the broken pieces
of this shattered frame that was once filled with the rise of what was holy,
I noticed a pattern,
an undeniable  repetitional cycle of never endings,
I believed in fairy tales, I believed in anything,
the innocents I had was what lured me into believing anything,
That's how you ****** me in so quickly, without a breath taken in
It was at firts sight or first interaction , not even snow had fallen yet
and you had already began to wrap me around your ring finger,
You bulit me up to these plans of the unknown future, between the two
"but I still haven't held hands yet",
Brainwashing thoughts of uncanny marriage and birth, ******* and labor,
but my lips are still ******,
A different standard of what was right, morals of "love and hate",
but I still didn't understand  the meaning of love or what it is "or was"
Beause of the ignorances I regret every part of me,
that lead me into this blief of magical fairy tales,
But it took every part of me to realize my beliefs were taken away,

Yesterday I asked myself what do young kids do nowadays for fun? I remember Monday through Sunday I would usually play outside like any other kid would.
Riding my bike in a circle in the parking lot even though I didn't have a lot of space for it.
I remember at 6 pm my parents would call me to get back inside and why do you think that?
Because it was dinner time? Or it was getting cold outside?
No, it wasn't anything like that. They warned me to get back inside before the white man came out again.
24/7 wake up calls by loud rambling nonsense, quite honestly I didn't understand a word.
I felt they were words of utter hatred,
The man who stands made
this child stay in silents,
Kept and locked in,
Despite taking combat,
Stood in silences again,
Brought upon the solid impression,
One of white, one of various colors
could not mix, as one it's self,
Permanently engraved onto a young girls brain,
Bind and in vain onto a five years old perspective,
unable to be overlooked,
thrown like a plastic water bottle,
Littered onto a property of mixed color's,
For it is still stuck onto the hands of a white man,
What was his understanding?
At the age of 5 the only colors I knew were from a coloring book, covered in red, blue, yellow, and green. Never knowing color was defined in different meanings,
Soon enough I realized all that is needed is a one-sided answer,
No matter what I forgive the white man.

Swore to come back,
Once again,
The blossoming white roses,
in blooming season,
Where it all began,
When I saw the light of radiance,
The day I watched the boy,
Afternoon dusk and the sun,
Lifted with flowing energy,
Those months and times,
I told him,
He might stay forever,
He remained,
leaning against a hollow tree,
I found the field of roses again,
In a thorn season of winter,
He was there,
and so was I,
Took back,
reminiscing upon the unforgotten,
memories,
Shelter of warmth and discovery,
A castle of ice and hidden secrets,
Staircase of tattered steps,
one and two,
reaching the top of foundation,
Upon the balcony of spoken truths,
Kneel down for eternity,
I took thy hand for a lifetime,
of love and happiness,
Our journey once again,
continues,
like an never ending story.

Somewhere I once discovered,
Somewhere I knew, belonged,
Somewhere only we know,
Beyond your eyes lies silences,
Enclose me with frail gestures,
Unable to touch, thy is too near,
Slightest glances will eat me up,
Closing up one by one, gradually,
Dear, always opens petal by petal,
like the first forget-me-not's, seasoned,
spring,
Desire to be close from you to I,
Life will fade away beautifully,
The soul of this flower witnesses,
Descending snow falls from above,
Can not be stopped nor driven away by force,
Like the ability of your intense fragility,
compelling colors and shades,
Fearing forever with each breathe,

What is it that opens and closes you?
I can only understand through those eyes
A voice of deeper meaning,
a heart like no other that rises,
not even the sounds of rain on the window pane,
can over come it,
nor have a small touch,
gladly beyond.

I see the fading lights,
The moving walls,
voices echoing,
hazed eyes,
opening and closing constantly,
glancing left to right motionless,
head spun a million times,
Cursing myself why,
The remorse of this pain and suffering,
This time is different,
sensing ahead of time and present,
fighting against death and reality,
world shattering into blackness,
This is it,
One finally test,
Love,
We've come this far,
From beginning to end,
Our story will never end,
Till after life and forever,
Till death do us part,
I never regretted the times we've spent,
I've cherished your thoughts,
your emotions,
Your love
and happiness,
You are everything,
You are what I lived on,
my partner ,
my companion ,
my one and only,
I love you,
the love I have is everlasting,
Please hold on to everything we had together,
I can only ask now,
Will you stay once I'm gone?

Holding on for dear life,
I pity myself in grief and despair,
I apologize,
Stir up mixed emotions,
I can only contain deed, on your behalf,
Stop the tears from falling,
Sadness shall fade away,
I apologize,
The scares you've overcame,
The worries you've overturned,
The bare pain of the unknown,
But it's okay,
I'm here,
once again,
Breathing,
Beating,
and living,
You've sacrificed your mind, soul, and heart,
Your physical, mental, and emotional state,
Now,
Mixed up with each other unknowingly,
It's my own fault for these causes,
I apologize,
I've awaken again,
This time I know I'll promise to raise above into wellness,
I want to continue my cycle of life,
with you,
My love until now and before,
Till the beginning and end,
I want to cherish each moment with you,
I can't stress it enough with these repetition of words,
Simple three,
I love you.

I didn't realize or tell that I was ill,
just a little over whelmed,
Your handsomeness formed by hopes and grief,
Brought your complexion a lighten grace,
I knew this couldn't be the final of our story,
The story of my dreams,
But even sleeping I was stunned,
I needed a snap of reality,
Your face,
The delicate features  physically inches away from mine and yours,
Pure porcelain aspects,
heartwarming,
petrified,
Difficult to memorize your physique, presents
Unable to refer back to a black and white film,
When I saw your lifeless, sadden, face I can only think,
That glance lifting up with clarity and joy,
We cling and griped onto each other for the limited time
that was given in the dream,
You returned once again,
The more I saw you, repeated intentionally,
I couldn't resist and lean against your touch,
without thinking nothing more then the happiness,
Not worried it would lessen nor fade,
Without thinking I was still alive and beating,
I needed to wake up once more,
and see the light,
to wake up to you,
again.

Where can I start?
How,
I'm don't know,
I got rid of all,
the problems,
the sadness,
the depression,
the annoyances,
everything was fine,
And you bring up all this **** back to the surface of things,
telling to someone who's clueless?
Without a care in the world?
Really?
I was done with all that ****,
for something so simple,
Really?
I shouldn't even bother with all of the ******* that you put onto me,
just because you can't handle nor control it yourself,
I simply thought my world was finally balanced,
My guess was wrong,
Again,
Such ******* *******,
Such a ******* liar,
Pure lies,
right beneath your words,
You really think you can get away with this,
I'll give you hell,
Make you suffer like I do,
I don't care anymore,
You can't tell me  but someone else,
Oh,
Watch,
I'll give you a ***** *** attitude,
Since that's what you always say,
Better learn after I teach you,
my true self,

I'm just a *****.

Everything I do,
Everything I say,
Everything I do seems wrong,
Everything I say seems odd,
There's nothing wrong,
There's nothing to be scared of,
My actions and falling out seem to wreak havoc,
confusion,
in your mind and heart,
I assure you,
Everything is fine,
I promised to say how I feel,
How I undergo my days,
What I'm thinking,
But I worry,
Keen,
Will you tell me,
Your feelings?
Your thoughts?
Anxiety takes a toll,
daily,
It saddens, myself, you,
That your only concerned about my own being,
With doubts forming unknowingly,
I wonder, what am I doing?
Can you tell me, everything?

My beautiful white rose,
Planted firmly down like concrete stone,
Seeded in the depths of the world,
Beneath the solid grounds of density,
Rooted into the middle ends of the earth,
You grow,
You stand ,
Now a bud,
But unable to spread out in full bloom,
When will I be able to see your petals,
pompously,
flourishing
one by one,
It's my turn to nourish,
These worries into rest,

Open.

Do you think of me?
I'm dreading the thought,
Over and over again,
There's no insecurities,
just curiosity,
I stated the truth,
never implied,
meant for you,
only you,
your's to keep,
realism put into countless sonnets,
Literal and figurative,
I can only say and do,
All that I want to see,
All that I want to touch,
All that I want to feel,
All that I want to hear,
All that I want to love,
All that I want to miss,
All pointing to you,
Shall I rephrase it again?
All I can think ,
is of you,
I wonder again, do you think of me?
My dear,
Spoken like a letter,
a note filled with warmth,
I ask openly,
Is it wrong?
I stumbled upon you first sight,
Help me answer this question,
Because,
missing you never hurted so much,
until now.

Across,
up and down,
Swirling,
Circles and forms,
I write,
Your name,
On my chest,
On your's,
A dilemma,
Up hold,
I want you all to myself,
Just mine,
Keep & stored away,
Buried treasure,  
hidden away,
My own,
personal paradise,
Only I can discover it,
I shall be selfish and greedy,
To those you are called,
taunting predators,  and dare to touch,
My prized possession,
Love is familiar,
with me and you,
Love will remember,
Everything,
Love can only grow,
Ever more,
Escaping nor leaving is not allowed,
Only preserve,
Hold,
keep,
cherish,
All that I ever knew
&
Need to know.

Isolated fog and silents,
The morning brisk,
Dense sunlight from above,
Over casting rays, reflecting
in from out the dusk of rising sunset,
transferring inside our humble abode ,
The tenderness of your body heat,
The radiance of your glowing shine skin,
glistening,
The sculptured body,
That forms beneath the unfurnished sheets,
The gradient, bitten flesh red,
pump lips,
The complexion of perfection of jealousy,
A jaw line precisely traced onto a bare canvas,
Soft faint eyes,
Infatuated,
Oh,
How much it yearns for a delicate touch,
Capturing the sensual moments and gestures,
Making it difficult to contain,
My immoral, dishonest, corrupted,
thoughts,
Motives,
To impurify the innocents,
from the beginning,
I've polluted everything, markings of lust,
Love,
Unfair but
Unregretful,
Unbelievable,
This is mine.

Did I tell you?..
Your hands were made for me,
fits into mines,
Like perfect symmetry,
You may not think your perfect,
With flaws and imperfections,
But it makes no sense to me,
Your strings of hair, falling evenly into place,
The crinkles that you get when you smile
to the fullest,
Filling the room with laughter and confinement,
Bear in mind that,
I'm in love with you,
All these things,
I love them endlessly,
They come into account,
Can't deny it,
I love every one bit of them,
It makes no sense to me that you don't see that,
I won't let you slip out of my hands,
nor my mind and mouth,
Hold me tight baby,
I never dreamed that I would be
a part of your entity
for eternity,
Never stop endless loving,
let's us fall,
fall,
fall,
in love,
all over again.

Playing the protagonist daily,
Motionless days,
Sitting up with spurned hands,
playing around the with a ring that holds
happiness and bitter pain,
looking out the shaded gray window,
An overcast,
hearing drops of sorrows on the window pane,
Reminds me of the day I found,
and lost you,
The joy of staring into your eyes,
The pain of letting go of your hand,
The love that I felt of your embrace,
The passion of your lips against mine,
The hate of our disagreements,
The guilty I felt when I tried to forget,
The sadness when you took everything ,
when you left without a trace,
Without another word,
Without you in this world,
Trying became an unknown option ,
They lingered,
They unravel,
They stay,
The memories,
Standing on darkness and grief,
Looking out,
Waiting,
Passing with days gone by,
It's not the same,
Nothing has changed,
It'll only change,
Only death do us part.

Your endless rays of perfection,
Wishing for a unwritten flaw,
A mistake for endurance's,
Holding up a shirty front,
Agitated companion,
Restless with covetousness,
Built walls of four,
Cornered shut tight,
Dense from attention,
Convey lies and truths,
What will cause your downfall?
Love?
Hate?
Or,
all of the above?
Remorseful of finding,
Regretful of up bring,
Unreformed of accepting,
What else must come down?

Liar,
Lies,
The face of a Liar,
Is it alarming that I'm this kind of person?
Scanning through the impacts you've put me through,
The impatiences, the tension, the attention,
All that one can do is lie,
Countless lying, the repetition  of the cycle in play
Over and over again,
The central idea of reasons,
Why you ask?
That brings me to tears,
speechless,
You never had intention of becoming my completed whole,
My other half,
The commitments,
The oath,
The vows,
The promises,
They were nothing but a facade of lies,
Every word that spoke underneath your breathe were nothing,
Trying has become a disease,
Reappearing scars

To know you never realized ,
But lies.

I'm aware that I'm not the first,
I'll never be the first,
I consider all the possible consumption,
I've implied that you were the first,
But you never stated I was..
First.
The only one,
That came to mind,
Gradually never became problematic for me,
Until once in a white moon,
Frustration hits like rapid lighting,
Your the epitome of both love and hate,
Simply there's no telling if it's good or bad,
Am I the lucky one?
Or is it,
You.

Never shall I forget that day , the moment you stolen my heart instantly,
Which skipped a beat, every time.
I thought my intentions were simple and dull,
At first...

But as my days with you grew ,
my knees trembled with emotions,
my eyes glimmered with a desire so bright,
A sinful demand arose from within the unknown part of my shameful guilt,
A cascading wish,
Lingering thoughts hidden in the shadows,
My hidden feelings for you were bursting out uncontrollable,
Yearning for your heavenly voice and delicate touch just became unbearable,
It was an obsession,
A dose of drug that I needed daily,
The cure for it was your smile,
Infatuated with a smile that melted away my stress and replace it with
the unthinkable,
My heart was so fond and captivated by your presents',
without a doubt captured the butterflies that fluttered around my stomach and mind,
A visionary photograph of what would be the sweetest future and wish,
gravitating to have and to hold,
Isolated nights longing for a breath taking sensation and tastes of bitter sweet dreams,
For only two lungful arms to wrap around tightly while sleeping soundly and shamelessly,
Then bursting into a light that wakens one's sleep,
To start all over again,
Or not..

It was today,
It was different,
Everything stopped in it's steps,
We made a great escape from left to right,
To our secret base,
Our home,
It was a scene from a classic fairy tale,
You came to me in a different light,
Was it real?
An encounter of embrace that illuminates the clear sighs of happiness,
finally awoke me and into reality,
That was the moment I knew you had to be mine,
I realized,
I needed you in my life,
I wanted you to fall in love with me,
All I wish to see is your indication that you are happy as can be,
Most of all, a part of your heart,
which has has always belonged to you, my love.
These words will last forever.


To be continued....
Our story will never end.

Questioning everything,
Are we in love?
Are we too different?
Are we still connected?
Are we drifting apart?
My soul is aching,
These thoughts flooding my mind,
it's killing the sweetness of my memories of you,
Will you still love me?

When I'm no longer,
full of beauty or youth?
Will you still love me If I have nothing at all?
I'm becoming more hopeless everyday,

I sit alone swinging my legs back and forth motionlessly,
Looking out the faded glass window,
Everyday,
Thinking of you endlessly,
Without another thought coming into mind,
Your all that I can think and imagine,
Why are you all that I see?
Have you really fallen ,
for this love with me?

I acknowledged all your movements,
the weeping tone of your heavenly voice,
Every closed eye,
I can only see your ghostly appearance,
Days go by,
Without you,
It aches,
The surface of my life becomes dim ,
Why is it  I see you so differently?
Antagonizing my beliefs in you,
Give me an explanation.
Please..

In disbelief I say to myself and into the mirror,

My whispers are quiet and contain,

Secretly believing your gaze is in sight of mine,

Capturing the muse of the melody of my heart and mind,

Trying to get the attention of the all ,Oh mighty one?

Could you hear the untapped screams I call out to you?

Hear me raw and chew off the fat,

Look what's in front of you,

You unreasonably problematic "IDIOT"

Repulsion is just another habit ,

Slap, Bite, and Kick,

My *** is still in place,

My mouth is where it left off,

Come at me and say it,

Coward of a mice,

Shall I say, *****?

A very clever bread of dog I must say,

Applause for learning something new

Everyday.

I am sorrow,

Overcast-ed by droplets of H20
and a grey outlook,

From an island of depression
By not able to withstand the voices of the house,

I'm from an unknown land
Where my forbidden thoughts linger,

I'm from bed to chair to walk,
Secret tears on the isolated
Bare floor,
Waiting to vaporize into
The thick oxygen,

From arms to legs griped together,
From dreams to nightmares,
From fiction to reality.

Portraying this sweet satisfaction,

Embracing you in my arms,

Acknowledging your presents in my slumber,

Eyes so weary drifting far within reach,

Stargazing into fiction,

Patronizing chances of seeking your secrets and wishes,

Thick oxygen in and out,

Fading into white,

Stay,

and join this adventure of dreams.

Parting my subtle fingers, touching the silky,mellifluous hair

Slowly moving beneath,

Placing my hand beside ,

Drawn to your marvelous, profiled, sculpted, jawline

Teasing fore play and kisses,

Without wasting hesitation,

Removing fabrics swinging in rage across the room,

Bare back and body,

Temperature rising,

Top to bottom,

As you harden and drenched,

Your rugged , tempestuous hands,

Throwing a weak influenced temptation,

Into a lustful haze, spinning  

An imitation on repeat,

The heat intoxicating , inflaming the bonds between our desires,

Penetrating  our virginity,

Throbbing in and outwards,

Notion the anguish and agony ,

Discomforting in moving surfaces,

I plead within your name ,

Carelessly tugging and hanging onto your body,

Arms flung around your waist,

As you angrily demanded more from me,

Ordering  to continue on wards,

The obsession grew expectantly,

A new form of  infatuation,

Thrusting relentlessly,

Earsplitting moaning,

Sensual whispers,

Piercing marks ****** ,

Licked,

A Sign of ownership,

Smacking grip below,

Letting go uncontrollably,

Reaching  into the endearing ******,

Seizure,

Absolute Bliss.

Your  Delicate, Char, Intoxicating, eyes are foretelling,
yearning
for I,
But your heart is disdained ,
Wandering,
Fragile and remote from the affection thrown to you,
Possibly distress and Remitting,
Respiring  explanations and  justifications,
My declarations are not near as endearing as yours,
Heed my words,
My ambition,
Desire,
Inclination,
Will power,
Wish,
Beyond all ,
Become my completed whole,
Admitting My Dear is as painfully to be pure ,
I Shall withstand it,
No other shines ,
Or reflects rays of the heavens,
From above and beneath,
My sinful demand is and Only One,
Be mine.

Regaining the renewed feelings of this world that I had

been open to before,

Is starting to flow right back into this,

lonesome body which has been restrained

From the reality of boundaries,

I shall begin again so that my fragments shall

be spoken through words and emotions,

Give me a sign,

Give me inspiration,

Give me a reason,

It's all coming back,

This is it,

The sensibility,

The obligations,

The muse,

Passion over whelming my senses and taste buds,

Let these blood cells and nerves fly into rage,

Let Me Run ,

Through these  declarations untamed and irrational,

Oh joy, Welcome me once again.

How can you be so childish?
How can you be so hateful?
How can you be so annoying?
How can you be so shameful?
How can you be so embarrassing?
How can you be so carefree?
How can you be so Juvenal?
How can you be so ignorant?
How can you be so stupid?

I know,
You really don't know me at all,
And yet you say all these's things to me,
I hope one day I can forgot ever thing about,
Those's that have been around me,
Because I don't like the way I am now
Or who I've become,
I regret being a part of these's people,
They'll never be on the same level as I am.

Stupid.

Days like these's I wonder,
                    
                                                                ­                                     Am I truly ,OK?
                                    
                       ­ Even when pointless hours pass by endlessly like dissolving ice cubes on a summers day,
                    
                        An surprising excuse to cry came my way, Is that how I should be?
          
                             Without expressing how I want to feel but what I'm hiding from, the Emile of my movement like a maze,
                                            
                      Moving motionless and provoking my intuition that can not except my answer,
                                    
                    ­                             Yet my mind steps forward in my path But my disgusting shameless heart apposes that ability to gravitate to what I can't do,
                    
                        My strength is strong and powerful, In other words It can also be controlled but how it feels,
      
   Mine can do the impossible of my own questions , Yours can't do the same,
    
In battle I would do what I'm told and go into a blood bath fighting with all my power because I have nothing to lose nor to gain ,

You would fight but not much of a battle more like a response it's not stereotypical it's the truth,
                                                                ­                    
  The truth I know about you,

                                                            That­'s my out look on you,
For you I can only say so much,
  
                  I shall not let my self get cared away by such a being that does not even comprehend to my equal level,
             perspective state of mind.

Why do you confuse me with your countless lie!
I ask WHY!
you touch me in such a way I use to love so much?
Calling me with our own names we’ve created with laughter that filled the room?
Stare at me as if I was the only one in your world with such unstable glazes that eyes across could see we had something!
My own angriness is filling up with confusion that my vision is fading so fast?
My health has decreased because of my own fault and yours because of the endless hours of sitting                        alone without your presents near me?
It’s already hard enough being near you why do you have to make it harder and painful when you try to think I’m not hurting inside?
I ask WHY!
You should know how that feels, you’ve been in my shoes before
So WHY do you think it’s ok if it’s me ?

That just shows you really never cared a single bit for me, ever since we first saw each other.
You really are one of a kind. Hope you enjoy your smart little friend there, ****!

What was that was "best" about my true feelings for you?
Is it that you once knew I did?
Was it because you had feelings before as well?
What excatly do you know or see?
Is it really ok if we were never meant to be?
One day can we not be on with eachother in harmony?
Is it not now but later?
Even with an "I'm sorry" that can light up the sitution,
To solve such a problem,
Why can that be enough for me?
I should be on top of the world but only a frown of unstabled expression lays on my face.
Should tears fall down, like any other?
Nothing but nothing is my answer,




A piece of paper that glazes at me with dreadfulness and a woeful picture of precious memories of a one sided story.






All over again.

But Thank You,
You really don't understand how much it can change the way someone view on everything.
Again Thank You,

May 2 , 2012
-
May 3 , 2012

My Journey to the summer
On the last day of school my journey of finding him begins …
He’s someone special to me very close to me also my one and only love…
Soon we’ll be one with each other even if it takes me forever to find my way to him…
I just can’t stand to be so far away from him .I’ll be waiting until that day comes the day .I’ll be happy again once and for all.



























But that ended up not being true…

Memories, that kills.

I can only say that there are no regrets,
I can only say that there are spoken words,
I can’t say they were lies,
I can’t say it’s true,
I know I’m a woman,
I know I should be given respect,
I do what I feel,
Why should I care what others do and say?
Are they’re actions the right choice?
Or is it wrong?
I know I’m unlike others,
I maybe straight forward,
I may not be beautiful,
I may not be fun,
But I’ll try,
It’s better late than never.

We ,
The memories and hours,
Of joy,
Can only be,
Gone within a minute,
And  day,
I've given up,
On your unpleasent situtions,
Of love,
And,
Pain,
I don't desreve to suffer with you,
I don't need you to say so yourself,
Thou shall ,
not speak,
Look,
Or say another word,
Just go away.

Within this little glass filled with milk that
my dear oh dear use to warm up in the mid day and night,
Now with despare and unpleasent musk of greediness ans selfishness,
I find that my internal self lingering in the same place and time,
but with only the external self in mind to wonder with the obligation of evolution.