the bottomless pit within
fills me to the brim
but i’m still so empty

a sky full of stars
or an elevator
packed with hot bodies
it doesn’t matter
the nights are still lonely

the people i loosely call friends
always tell me i’m never alone
i try to tell them
my self-reliance is not the problem
but we’re not even reading
the same book

keep your thoughts to yourself
do not speak to me
do not sympathize
i am desperate
but not for your acceptance

let me be as i’ve been
it will always be this way
i’m used to the empty feeling
nothing gold can stay

i can’t speak for frost
i can’t confirm his notion
i’ve never held anything golden
other than you

but my palms
they weren’t large enough
and my heart
dedicated to you
too many of its beats

i scare everyone away
and those who don’t run
i push until they walk
i don’t want company
unless it’s yours
and i will never have that

i try to fill your shadow
but nothing is so priceless
alcohol makes me mourn
sleep does not console

violent silence
it pushes me to the ledge
the thoughts beckon
we’ve been through this before
why do i hesitate

amongst the leaves that fall from the trees in early october
in the sky, your face peeking through the clouds
between the pages of your beloved copy of plath's classics
and in the frost covering the kitchen window
i see you

in your son's face and your daughter's personality
in the morning dew draped over the front lawn
among the crystalline snowflakes as they venture down from the nothingness above
and between the rock and the hard place
i see you

in times of need, mourning, and desperation
in times of excitement, pride, and aggravation
i see you

I liked when
you kissed me
with your lips
instead of
with your fists
a lot better,
but I'll take
anything
over you
being foreign
to me again

thoughts
fears
aspirations
goals
hopes
dreams

reflections
interactions
misinterpretations
observations

i read this list
the list you started
so many years before
back in the beginning

i sit in your shadow
and read it
with swollen eyelids
and a heavy heart
but not nearly as heavy
as the silence
that now fills the room
your room

the space
you can no longer fill
and will never
be able to fill again

i trace your letters
with my finger
and hear your voice
dictating the scribble
on the page
as I try to follow along
through thick tears

i don't know
which is worse
being forced to
let you go
or being haunted
by the memories
taking your place

pen on paper
ink pulses through your heart
and flows through your veins
as you try to liquify your feelings
for the person who refuses
to give you the time of day

the steady noise of city traffic
to give you perspective
and the calm hum of the radio
to soften your worn skin

you let the smoke from your cigarette linger
so the room doesn't feel so empty
and watch the flames of your candles
curl up into the darkness
as your thoughts float out the open window
and down into the street

nothing is how it was before
but it's too late to go back now

the paper sits on the desk
ready to absorb the day's regrets
but it remains blank

despite the extreme intimacy between
the giver and receiver,
your thoughts refuse to move from your bruised fingertips to the sheet

you've wasted all of your ink on him
shame on you for not realizing sooner

I never knew what drowning felt like until I started having trouble
keeping my head above all the lies you had me swimming in

I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet;
I had once felt so secure, coupled to the earth's surface,
but that security had quickly been replaced with the fear
and realization of who you really were
as soon as you began pushing me under

I could hear myself screaming for help, but nobody else could
my mind had been disconnected from my mouth,
and my thoughts were no longer being transmitted
I felt like I was looking at you through frosted glass;
I knew you were there, but your figure was blurry and distorted;
I could no longer make out the details

what I was seeing (or what I couldn't see),
along with the absence of oxygen, left me gasping for breaths
I knew would never fill my lungs again

it was too late, and this was too much

I wished so desperately that I hadn't let you get under my skin;
I'd never been afraid of large bodies of water
I welcomed the ocean into my life just as much as he had
welcomed me into his, using gentle currents to pull me closer
each time I visited

but he had turned against me, now under your control

you found the breach in my walls,
and I was foolish enough to let you in

the currents were no longer gentle;
the undertow had me out to sea before
I could make sense of what had happened,
and the dark water began to envelop me
your voice squeezed the last breath of air out of my throat while
your empty stare pushed me farther under the surface

the light slowly drifted up past me as the ringing in my ears
was drowned out by the deafening silence,
now suffocating me

I could feel sand beginning to build up,
first in my feet, then in my legs

I stopped resisting and let my eyelids flutter shut,
falling in harmony with my body

there was nothing to do
you were gone

darkness is the only thing I have ever known since