i just can’t quite understand myself. i believe i have the potential and the capacity to succeed however it feels as though the system has been tailored to set me up for failure. i simply do not dream of success within the education system anymore. it feels futile and my odds are stacked against my control.
i have little motivation to live on enduring an unhappy life as such. i seldom seek validation from my teachers as i so keenly used to feed out of their palms. i feel my soul shrinking into nothing but a pebble in one’s shoe. a minor inconvenience. barely audible. barely present.
my mind goes on walks outside when i’m bed bound. i cannot lift the anchor which is my head no matter how loud the captain in my head shouts at their sailors.
i crave escape. i am so privileged. so loved. so needed, i’m aware. yet the black clouds in my head filter the sunshine but not the UV rays. melanoma without the tropical memories to reflect upon.
maybe it’s the medication. maybe it’s the alcohol. maybe it’s the nicotine. maybe it’s the drugs. but i constantly attempt to fill the void in my life which is where happiness should be, but it seems as though something is already there. it is not happiness. nor is it sadness. it is purely the absence of emotion which expands like a sponge, larger than life, bigger than what i am able to feel.
nothing.

you seem to ignite.
what is it about your gait?
why do your eyes sparkle like pools of emerald?
why does your hair look like a golden haystack?
hidden needles.
the emergence of your face
at the gate stretched my lips into a smile and poured chocolate caffeine down my throat.
what is it about your embrace?
envelops me in a web of safety.
do i know how it feels to be infatuated anymore?
when will my disinterest in life cease?
perhaps at the beginning of the sound of my name from your mouth.

purgatory is cruel
but love is relentless
straddle a fence between life and death means whether i will wake tomorrow
whether i will be in awe or agony.
hushed blanket has fallen over the house at this hour
except for the gentle hum of electricity within me and from above.
why are you walking so hastily ? have you somewhere to be ?
perhaps comfort is not a destination which resides in a temporary soul for the moment.
i must seek solace within myself.

when you drown, i swim
my guilt does not know where to begin.
you mustn't try anymore
there is no use trying to open my closed door.

to watch the life drain from your hazel windows made my stomach churn. to see the pain knit your brows together made my throat close up. to hear the slight quiver in your voice made my chest pour.
but i wouldn't have it any other way.
saplings cannot forever remain bound to wooden poles; they must grow on their own and stand tall, grazing the sky.
to let you go, to leave you.
or to stay and lie till the inevitable demise
of what we were never meant to be.
bittersweet, your lips on mine for one last time. to hold you close and to feel your fingers in my hair
you taste the same as the first time i ever tasted you
yet it feels so different
as though the candle had burned through all its wick despite wax remnants begging to be burnt.
and as i walk away, i can confirm
indeed over time, i'd fallen the wrong way.

my chest a bottomless pit, i wonder if it's worthwhile anymore.
but the grass stains on my dress make me smile shyly, thinking of your sapphire eyes so blue;
so intimidatingly beautiful, i could barely hold your gaze for more than two seconds.
yet i pushed for three and i'm glad i did; i saw the black circle in the middle invade more of your blue space and your cheeks turned a soft pink, head downturned, wavy brown hair falling across your forehead.  
a month old memory which i attempted to dull with substances
while it remains vivid and intact as though it happened just yesterday.
i fear the power you have over me; when my phone sounds my hopes rise like a tide in the storm
and comes crashing down when it's not your name.
i'd like to see you again, may i see your sapphire eyes ?

what is the point of opening the cage if the bird's wings are clipped?
you say she is free but at what cost?
she is flailing her wings about, struggling to take flight.
Begged for the cage door to be open - fought and it happened.
She set herself free.
But wings do not allow her to fly.
She is chained by gravity, denied the privilege to kiss the sky;
whom she pleases.
She's out, she roams.
But flight she cannot take for she is confined in a cold, long hallway.
Up and down in
straight lines is allowed.
But flight with other birds beyond that hallway appears a distant memory, long forgotten, lines blurring,
feathers fading