I am a scintilla,
A little blip on the radar
A barely detectable tumor on an MRI
The dullest star in the night sky.
I am,
But barely.
I’m the one
Who walks in the back of the group.
I’m the one
People only come to if they want something.
I’m the one
Who never gets invited to parties.
I’m there,
But nobody bothers to notice me.

When I die,

Please don’t cry over me.

Because I will not be able

to wipe away your tears.

You know I’ve loved you,

Always,

Until the day I died.

I can’t care for you anymore,

But you’re ready.

I have faith in you.

You believe in life after death

And I believe in love after death

So we will find each other

Again.

When it rains,

It aches.

This burning desire

Smolders inside.

The longing for you

Beating inside my chest.

My heart is yours.

I love you.

One, two, three, four and five

Everything must be done in perfect sets

Did I turn off the light?

Check again, again, again, again

Wash your hands

Wash them wash them wash them wash them

Brush brush brush brush brush

All colours lined up in order by the rainbow

And by shade

Or matching the box

Everything must be perfect

If not, who knows what will happen?

I could upset someone

And make them hate me

Or hurt someone I love

Why can’t it all make sense?

Why can’t it be right?

Why can’t it be perfect?

Why can’t I be perfect?

why
are
you
doing
this
to
me

WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME
I DID NOTHING WRONG

Your eyes
Speak more
Words
Than your
Lips ever
Could.

She flirted with death.

So did he.

They both smoked their life away

They both tried endlessly to **** themselves

But their parents wouldn’t let them

Because they were selfish.

They both drank

Nasty-*** ***** and whiskey.

Me?

I smoke those ****** vapes

And drink wine.

I’m a high-class *******.

We all accepted rides from strangers

We were all trying to run from our past.

But when we all loved each other in turn

But not together.

That was the most dangerous thing,

Love.

I don’t have time to feel guilty.

Neither do you.

But we still do,

Both of us.

We both feel guilty

For hurting each other.

You are the sun
And I am the moon.

You are the stars
And I am the cloudless night.

You are the air
And I am the lungs.

You are the snow
And I am the rain.

You are a drizzle
And I am a hurricane.

You are the peace
And I am the chaos.

You are the waves
And I am the wind.

You are mine
And I am yours.

Sleep is great,

Sometimes,

Because you’re not dead

But you’re not awake.

The problem is,

You don’t appreciate it

Until you wake up.

It’s an open polygamous relationship

With death

And life.

I’m ready to become one of the stars.
I breathe out a shaky sigh
Close my tear-filled eyes,
And
j
   u  
        m
              p

It overtakes your whole being.

It makes you numb.

It gives you the illusion of being real.

But when it leads you to defiling your own body

To malnutrition

To death,

You finally feel at peace when that comes.

At least,

You hope you do.

Because it makes you want nothing more than to die.

I was told that
If you still like him
After a haircut
Then it’s love
That sounds so
******* stupid
But I still like you
oops

You were always a priority for me.

Actually, you never were.

That’s just a lie

I fed to you.

You’re ******* worthless

And nobody loves you, *****.



(I am you).

My mascara’s hella cheap

But I still don’t want to waste it

On stupid boys like you.

No matter how hard

I try, though,

I still do.

She stares at the blade in her right hand

the red lines covering her legs and both arms

making it impossible to see clearly

clouded by depression, tears, and self-hatred.

She cries for her best friend, who tried to end his own life the week before.

She cries for her mother, who tried to **** herself in front of her own child's eyes

She cries for the four boys at school who took theirs.

She cries from pain, sorrow, heartbreak, disgust.

The blade shimmers as it hits the tile floor

she picks up the pills

30 of them.

she'd been refusing to take her antidepressants

what was the point anyway?

she opened the bottle

poured the little white drugs into her freshly emptied hand

grabbed the full glass of tepid water

and downed them both.

She was beginning to feel dizzy

the cuts were so deep this time

but it was worth it

all of it

just to end the pain.

She stripped down to her underwear

and climbed into the tub.

She breathed in deep

coughing painfully

the burn was dull

but the eventual relief would be worth it.

She wanted to make sure she got it right this time

so she dumped bleach into the hot water

screaming as it burns her

crying as it seeps into her open gashes

croaking as she takes her final breaths

but as she lets go

she smiles

for the first time in a long time.

I'm home.

I look up
And almost always
I see you staring,
Lost in thought,
Sometimes smiling.

you say that I am a sunset, all of my pictures of the sun until I thought of you were sunrises.

then I took the one. the one that was all of the vivid colours I see you as.

you are not dark and decaying, you are ethereal like the clouds hung in the sky.

much like the clouds,

you break down sometimes,

but you are still so very beautiful and deserving of love.

my favourite weather is rain, after all.

Your smile,

Your laugh,

The twinkle in your eyes.

They are my poetry.

They are my love song.

They mean more to me

Than your silly love songs.

I can’t believe

Just how soon

I’m leaving.

I hope you don’t leave me.

I’m so ******* terrified of losing you,

Too.

I’m trying to be okay

But I can’t promise you anything.

Those words,

Do they sound familiar?

Because you’ve said the same

To me, countless times.

I can’t promise I’ll be okay

But I can promise

That I’ll try.

I thought I was in love with you,

But you don’t love me back,

So I can’t be

Can I?

You claim you do,

But I see how you look at her

I see the happiness on your face when you’re with her.

When you’re with me,

You always seem raw,

Depressed,

Angry.

Is that the real you I see?

Or does she just make you that happy?

Is it a mask

Or is pure joy?

I wish I knew

I’m sorry I can’t be that for you.

Because when I’m with you,

I am happy and depressed.

When I am with her,

I am depressed and happy.

Please help me make sense of this.

And you make it worse when you say

Maybe we can be more than friends…

Because I don’t think you really feel that way.

I’m sorry

I’ve wasted your time.

I want almost nothing more
Than to die
But when I’m near you
All I want to do
Is live life
You are vibrant
You are bright
You are life.

The soft ballad

Trickles into my ears,

Dancing down my spine.

Light on guitar,

Heavy on drums and piano.

It exists,

Like me,

Only to amaze you.

If it weren’t for you,

I’d perish

Because you are the only thing

Tying me

To this life.                              

You and the music.

So as we lie here,

On the sandy beach,

Water tickling our toes

And the stars illuminating the soft skin

Of your face,

I sigh.

Finally,

I am able to breathe.

With you here,

In my arms,

I know peace.

Life is worth living

So live another day.

And every day after that.

Don’t spend it

Locked up

In your mind.

Get up

And do things

That make you feel alive.

Everything is numb
Grey
Bland
Tasteless
Blurry.
This
Is
My
Life
Now.

Don't eat!

You don't deserve food, you know that.

You're disgusting,

and fat.

It's pathetic, honestly.

I guess you can have some water

and if you behave,

and don't cheat,

you can have cucumbers

or watermelon, apples or celery

or something.

See?

I can be nice!

I let you have something to eat.

Whether you deserve it or not.

I didn't need to.

No wonder you love me!

                                          Sincerely,

                                            Your favourite,

                                                    Ana **

I don’t want to live forever

Because I don’t want to watch

Everyone

And everything

I’ve ever loved

Or hated, even,

Disappear from in front of my very eyes.

Especially you.

You mean more to me

Than many others,

All of you.

You all three know

Exactly who you are.

Number one is twenty

And treats me like royalty.

Number two is fifteen

And jokes about everything.

Number three is sixteen

And tells me everything.

Our conversations are real,

Raw,

True.

Get out Get out Get out

Get out of my head

Leave me alone

Let me be

Why did you choose me?

Am I that weak?

Am I predictable?

Easy?

Or did you see the strength in me

And decide to slowly chip at it

Make it wear away

Little by little

Bit by bit

Piece by piece.

Do I exist

As a figment of imagination?

Or as a toy?

A tool?

Am I simply hear for your amusement?

I said

LEAVE ME ALONE

…no?

I’m sorry

I’m so ******* sorry

I know you’re stronger

You own me

I belong to you…

You win.

Sad teens

Happy faces

Always plastering on the fakest of grins

Barely enough to pass

As true.

It falters only

When they are left alone

In the middle of the night

With that bottle of *****

Numb, tears streaming down their faces.