dont, or, at least pretend to.
2. write poetry about them. let all of your poetry be about them, make it clear. so people come to you after slams and say im sorry for your loss. make them think they died. remember it was really you who passed
3. let the swim into every detail of your life. cook meals and wish you were eating it with them. make playlists of their favourite songs. get tattoos thinking about them. let them sleep in your skin.
4. reread your texts. listen to voicemails. read letters over and over again. let their voice be what rocks you to sleep and nightmares of them crying again jolt you awake. let them steal sleep from you. they deserve it more.
5. start crying again. you stopped letting yourself cry months ago. start, and dont stop. cry when you have that dream about the again. join them in their sorrow, but let yours be a different kind.
6. learn to hate them. what they liked, they way they moved. teach yourself to despise them. you mightve ruined 'us' but make it their fault. move the weight of the sky from your shoulders to theirs.
7. pretend youre teaching yourself to love yourself. start wearing your binder to sleep. it might make cure dysphoria, but it will not cure the bruised ribs. 'meeting people' will become finding people to hook up with. 'going out' will becoming staying home and drinking till youre sick.
8. pretend you do not still love them. lie to yourself, lie to your friends. 'im fine' you say, 'im over them' you are not. you are stuck under them. they are the rock, and your depression is the hard place.
9. dont call it depression. dont let it be. tell yourself to man up and get over it, like medication and therapy is for crazy people and you are NOT crazy.
10. slowly, let yourself forget. let yourself stop reading the messages. stop writing the poems. stop looking at your tattoos and thinking about how they loved the moon that night.
11. again, stop. stop drawing, writing, thinking. forget about your schoolwork and remember your bed. forget about your friends, and remember your bed. forget about eating, remember your bed
12. take your friend's advice and eat something. lie to them and say you feel better. lie and say youre happy. start lying again.
13. 13 was our lucky number. i think that has something to do with the 13 parts of you i cannot let go of.