I need some,
I need some of it
you scream at me,
I scream back losing my voice,
screaming to leave me alone,
curling up in my bed I
count my heart beats,
slowly,
praying to God he hears me,
laying alone in my bed I can't help but
have that impulse,
that crave,
that need to feel better,
so tired and drained,
I take a razor and it kisses my skin,
washing off my wrist I look into my dead eyes,
is this really me,
I look into her black dead eyes and pale skin,
this can't be me,
I hate her,
she smiles and looks at me,
you are me,
laughing I turn away and go to my room,
trying to fight the urge I just can't,
the new me looks around to sell my body for some
blow or ****,
it has to be better than this...it just has to
be better than this,
as the lights go out and I pray to be safe and
sound from my monsters,
I try to see the light,
try to drown my demons but it's no use,
they know how to swim

When I hold that gram in my hand, I feel this sudden rush.
One is never enough, and 20 is never too much
Grabbing onto my thoughts and killing all the pain
so we can
blame it all on drugs
maybe and
take the blame off us
i hope you understand

****** glazed look on my lover,
memories I'll share with a
coke fiend brother
it's more than repression
it's a corrective agent I use to smother
I have grown to love you more than anything else
I even love you more than my sick and twisted self
Who needs therapy when I have you?
Just one more..I'll feel brand new
so we can
blame it all on drugs
maybe and
take the blame off us
i hope you understand
I flew for a while.
High, but not beyond reach.
I spoke truths and lies
accepted things, and denied
I worked on me silently
But I can't shake reality

Nyquil is such a *****
who would have thought cough medicine could make the insides of my eyes itch
it's a shame
who's to blame
I'm only 8
only just learned to spell my name
in cursive
I'm a big girl now.

innocent and my soul is clean but it's so weird
the feeling from this liquid green
mother thinks she's helping me but she's only just creating me
faking sick so she goes to get it
I wasn't being manipulative I just didn't think to ask for it

now I'm downing half the bottle so I can get some kip for school tomorrow
not sure what this does to me but there's nobody else to play with me so I'll just take this and go to sleep

let slip my habit in convo, to this pretty boy at school
thought he'd like a badass
thought he'd know I'm cool
I think I just wanted him to use with me
or explain to me how he's there for me

he's all worried
wants to help me

but I am helping me

the paranoia hits me like a ton of bricks
stupid **** will ruin me
I just wish he could see how the world could really be
I'll never show him, eventually everyone gets a ticket for free

so I decided to hide everything until I'd be old enough to drink
that would fix it for me and then I could come clean
because this is turning into a perpetual need
could manage it with alcohol just have to turn 13

I think I only made it a couple weeks before boredom and loneliness came to get ****** up with me

clever me
NO, **** you
I'm too smart for myself
made sure I grew up in my own prison cell
two sips in either direction and I'd wake up in hell

can't admit who I am because at the time one foot was stuck in a different land
so learn the dance of the broken romance
relationship started
innocence departed

perspective is amazing until you realize there's a selection
perception isn't consistent
doctors should be in prison

I need you like I need my own heart.
I love you without even knowing why or how or when
I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way than this
I know of a world where "I" does not exist
But neither does "you"
A world where only "we" exist.
So close that your arm around my waist feels like a part of me
Where your eyes begin to close as I fall asleep
So in sync.
You are like stardust in the summer
Or a massive burst of colors
And I want to inhale every tiny particle
And choke on the splendor of just you
Even if my lungs suffocate from drowning in the flecks that make up all of you
Even if the church caught fire and burned to the ground,
I would still have faith..
In you.
In us.
Call me a safe bet, but I'm really not.
I am terrified of all the things I feel, but cannot see.

Manage me,
I am a mess,
Swept under the rug of yesterday’s home improvement,
A whimsical urge tossed aside for the easy reassurance of home and comfort.
I am the photograph tucked away as a book-mark,
In a book left, half unread,
Once reopened to find memories crawling back into peripheral sight,
Faded, creased, and lonely.
I long to be admired,
Long to be held, torn, and laughed at,
Laughed with,
Like a distant relative or an old friend breathing in their last breath.
I missed the moment when time collapsed and memory was erased,
Replaced by finicky social experiments,
Lost in the blur of intoxication,
****** through multi-colored bendy-straws,
Making way for a spinning world where hub-caps stood still,
But our vision didn’t.
If I could leave you with only one thing,
It would be small, foldable, and made from trees,
With a few careless words,
Scribbled in blue;
Take a moment to learn me,
Take a moment to love me,
Because I need your love to live,
And without it,
I am nothing

A is for ADDICT
I am one by far
B is for *****
Blacked out in a bar.
C is for COPING
My drug dealer's gain
D is for DOPE
Making love to my vein.
E is for EXCESS
Cuz that's how I roll
F is for FIX
My everyday goal.
G is for GRIEF
From the damage I've done
H is for HIT
Can't have just one.
I is for INGEST
Don't matter what
J is for JONESING
So sick in my gut.
K is for KILLING
The dreams I once had
L is for LOUD
That sweet **** in my bag.
M is for MORE
There is never enough
N is for NEEDLES
Man, my arm sure looks rough.
O is for OXYs
Euphoria so fine
P is for PAIN
So I'll hit one more time.
Q is for QUIT
"What are you high?"
R is for RELAPSE
**** can I lie.
S is for STEM
My portal to hell
T is for TRICKS
Oh the things I will sell.
U is for UPPERS
Hate to be down
V is for VICIOUS
That crack that I found.
W is for WITHDRAWAL
"God please please let me die!"
X is for X-TASY
Now I'm no longer shy.
Y is for YES!
I get paid today!
Z is for Zilch
What I accomplished today.

Know I know my ABCs
God please take away this cruel disease.

How ****** is it I experiment with sobriety,
Deceive others to believe I’m functioning in society,
Feel relieved only when drugs are inside of me,
****, molly, benzos, oxy, LSD, DMT, ketamine,
Feel more at peace in my dreams than reality,
Its hard to believe others dramatize that part of me,
Traumatized yet still I abuse losing my vitality,
I’m a fool to use to cope with the stress of my adolescence morality,
That’s an excuse from my poor mentality,
I should be a young lady, but I don’t see it at present, am I an abnormality?
Actually, It wasn’t my plan to neglect the lesson that might stand in place of this confession,
Showing symptoms of depression, but all hopes is not lost, I can buy happiness I gave it a cost,
my discretion I tossed aside I'm exhausted and losing my mind,
I'm inclined to combine refined lines designed to unwind my kind,
Remind myself I wont find the dragon,
My life will end with a magnum,
a drug induced tantrum,
mental phantom hold me for ransom,
I hope you can handle this rancid anthem i grant you,
but I hope you can't relate because no ******* should have this fate,
moving weight through their plate is no way to spend consecutive days,
still So much hate,
Irate till I escape,
pills will sedate me, and I wait..
But remember..I wanted it this way.

I never really learned how to pray because silence usually speaks louder than the actual sermon.
And the bullets of my heart don't bleed like you think they should.
Instead, they melt.
They melt like ice cream set out in the hot desert sun.
Melt like ice clamped between my fists..
My fists..
The ones that explode and scream louder than this sermon.
God, don't look at me like that.
Your pupils look like firing bullets, knocking us out one by one saying "You can't come in because you never learned how to pray"
God, don't look at me like that. Your eyes are like a vortex of instability rolling our ground like an earth quake telling us to do more.
To be more.
To pray more.
Or we can't come in.
My fists stop the bullets and together our fists can make boulders.
Knocking down our insecurities one by one by one
If we don't make it in, that's okay because our fists will turn into butterflies
and our hearts will turn into lions
and our bones will turn into the infrastructure of Hell
Because that's what the preacher told me.
Preacher, don't look at me like that.
Don't shake your hear at my appearance.
Just because I have unnatural colors in my hair doesn't make me any less of a person than you.
Just because I put color on my eyelids and my skirt is above my knees and maybe I have a few holes in my jeans
doesn't make me any less of a person than you.
So don't look at me like that.