It's when you're just sitting, Doing  nothing at all,
It hits you out of nowhere..

How?

How did we get here?
How did we end up so ****** up?
How are we each other's enemies?
How did we get so far from where we were?
How did we get so far off track?
How can we ever fix this mess we have made?
Can I forgive and forget?
Can you forgive and forget?
Can we even be fixed?

How can you be okay, knowing you betrayed me?
Knowing how it felt!

And then bringing that betrayal around me?
How did you do that?

I don't justify what I did.
There is no way to do that.
I carry the guilt of my actions every day.

I do know without a doubt, that if you had been waiting for me close by.
I would have been coming home to you.
I'd always choose you.

I don't understand the eye for an eye attitude
Maybe that's where we differ
I don't want you to hurt just you hurt me

I didn't sit here and give lectures on truth and honesty and loyalty.
Only for it to come out now that you were lying to my face in those instances.

So, I have to ask
Were the "I love you's" lies as well?
Are all the times you don't hold me,
And all the insults the truth?
Right now I can't decipher between the two.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, loneliness, ignored, neglected and rejected.
Seems to be all we feel right now.
Can it ever be better?

Or are we just going to continue on our path of destruction?
It's like living in a never ending hurricane.
Or are we just going to continue on with life that is so different
From the one I dreamed we'd have?
I don't want to hurt
I don't want to cause pain
I don't want to cheat?
Or be cheated on.

The kind of relationship I want is to know that the love of my life
Loves me.
Only wants me.
Would never think to betray me.
For any reason.

I want to think this is possible
I want to believe in love
It doesn't seem you would think like me.

So where do we go now?
What am I supposed to think?
When once again, I wasn't your chosen one.

Making lunches, and doing dish after dish.
Folding little pieces of laundry after successfully fighting the stains.
Sweeping, and mopping, picking up tiny toys over and over and over again.

Wiping little handprints off of glass and off of walls.
Making beds, and scaring monsters away.
Bedtime stories, and midnight snuggles.
Waking up early, making breakfast.

Feeling complete, feeling whole again.
Feeling what it feels like to mean the world to someone.
Knowing that you have no choice but to carry on,
Cause this little person depends solely on you to be okay.
So that makes it so easy, you can smile with no falsehoods behind it at all.
Because to know the feel of little arms wrapped around you,
and to hear "Momma, I love you as much as you love me"
Is the best feeling in the world, it is the instant recharge of your soul.

It's this I miss, It's this I need.
It's not having these things that makes it hard to carry on.

I just wish that you could have known, how badly it was that I needed you to make me feel special.
Like I was worth a little time focused on me, like I was worth rushing home to.
Just to be a shoulder to cry on, to be the protector.
Where we wouldn’t have to do anything,
I wish you could have wanted to be there for me, known how hurt I am inside and how little I feel.
I wish I still meant something to someone,
Like I belonged somewhere.
Like I wasn’t just the last thing on the list to cross off.
Cause I don’t want to not matter anymore.
I wish you could have seen that I needed you to need me.
I needed to be loved, and just be acknowledged, for someone to understand that I feel like I have no meaning anymore.
Not a single reason to exist.

I wish I didn’t know that you would walk out the the door, and just make some crack about me.
I wish my life wasn’t just this, being alone, thinking about all the memories in my head.
I wish I wasn’t just a joke to everyone.
I wish you still thought the world of me, and you can say you do,
But you don’t, you can’t and behave like this.

You cant take one hour away from your phone, or a day away from your life.
To be there for me.
I said I would try, but it hurts cause you are still going on your path,
that is so far from the one I need to regain my life.
It hurts a lot that youre not here, especially today.
Cause today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life,
And the most traumatic too.
You didn’t even think about that, or what that is doing to me.
You didn’t care when you walked out the door that I felt like this.
You still went and made that crack to your new friends.
You still left and I still wont really cross your mind.
I really needed to though,
Cause now I think I know for sure.

That I will never be what I once was to you.
We will never get that back,
That you are already gone.
You can say it is for money, you can say it is for me.
But the truth is, if it was for me,
You would’ve seen the thing I needed was just time and love,
With no judgments.
No sighs, no insults, no little digs about the time you had made for me,
or the potential money lost.
Cause we need money yes,
But what is money gonna do when I have totally lost who I am?

Will you be there for me at all when I just stare off into space,
because I feel that I am closer to that than anything right now.

I am starting to think,
I may actually be okay.
It is not a big step I am aware,
But I took myself out today.
I was alone, in a crowd.
But I didn’t want to hide and cry.
I was confident enough,
I even smiled at folks who looked my way,
And said “hi”
I think if I push myself,
Just a little each day…
When I look in the mirror one day that’s quite soon,,
I wont be lying to myself when I tell myself
It will be okay.
I can see who I am,
Even if just a tiny glimpse,
I am still there.
I can fight back, I can win.
Even if this ****** life is so unfair.

I have been dealt many blows,
And I have laid broken too long,
I just need to finally realize,
I am actually this strong.
I am still standing if battered,
Bruised that is for sure.
I am crying, and I am lonely.
But my heart is still pure.
I still see the good in every person I meet.
I still want the perfect true love.
Fall asleep with kisses so sweet.

Even though there is dark,
And the sadness is not gone.
Please know I am here trying.
Please know I am thing strong.
I ask you for patience,
I ask you for care,
I ask for your love,
And to simply be there.

It wont always be so bleak,
I wont be such a dread,
I wont always have crazy thoughts
Filling my head.

I ask you for love,
And honesty too.
I ask for forgiveness,
For everything I have done to you.

Where I am struggling back from,
Is a very dark place.
I am fighting strong demons,
Who have won for a while.
But my love, I promise you,
Be there for me now.
And one day soon we will both smile.

If you want to see me be good,
Be the girl that did steal your heart.
Then please, I beg of you,
Lets go back to how we were at the start

Where our kisses didn’t end,
And we were each other’s best friend.
Where the passion was electric.
And the laughter was endless.
Please show me this is still possible.
Cause at times I am afraid.

That I have lost that perfect thing forever.
That I have damaged you, now you are forever changed.
You are my light, you are my heart and you are the reason I fight.

All that I ask if that you hold me at night,
And kiss me, and hold me,
Show me what I mean,
I promise you now baby, I will do just the same.

It is a step, and a little one,
I know but please see.
I am trying to be what I need me to be.

The last thing I  want is to not be near you,
I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms.
The hardest part of this is, that you don't want the same,
and it is because of me.
The last thing I want you to be is unhappy,
or lost in a cold and lonely world.
With anxiety, and animosity all because of myself.

I want a happy life,
remember the one with Sunday mornings in the winter,
snuggled up in bed,
holding on to each other.
But that is so far away,
and you can't see how badly I just need you to hold me.

You don't see my pain, or loneliness.
You tell me, oh it is just a month,
stop with the dramatics.
Do you forget the six months prior to that?
Where I waited for your freedom?
Alone, holding onto nothing but my pillow?

See you think he was more than he was to me,
I was lonely, and I was scared and tired.
I tried to make it into something more inside of my head.
Just in case, with your freedom, you chose to not choose me.
It wasn't right, and I have never said I was.

I am broken, I am lost and I am saving you from me.
Every piece of my body, my heart and my soul hurts.
Every little dream I had dreamt for us been replaced with a lonely nightmare.
Every time I think about a life without you loving me,
tears stream down my face.

I wanted you to make the effort, to show me where my importance in your life was


and you ignored me, and you left me.
You showed me exactly how unimportant I am
and how much damage I had caused.


My apologies,  my love.  But this is where I get off now,
Before I destroy anymore of you.

When life gets really difficult, and every obstacle in the world is in your way.
And you realize how much you have to depend on you and only you, it's really hard to see any self worth.
So we hold on to whatever we can,
and we try to be someone that matters to people.
People who are just as lost and broken.
Then, we are sad when they hurt us,
even if we hurt them too.
We are angry at them for not fixing us and we resent them.
But when it is it's absolute darkest in our lives,
and there is nothing really to give you hope,
or give you a reason to keep fighting for yourself.
You have to look within, you have to know what you want,
and you have to make a choice,
to lay down or stand up.
Really the only choice is to stand up.
In this moment, is when you regain your self worth,
you take a stand and you say to yourself that you deserve more than feeling alone, you deserve more than questioning if you are loved.
You deserve more than being hurt and hiding away from the world. You deserve more than waiting for someone to love you for you again...
And you choose to love yourself again,
and not let anyone treat you as if they can hurt you,
or walk in and out of your life as they choose.
Then all of a sudden,
the dark isn't nearly as dark
and the taller you stand the brighter it gets.
You choose how you are treated,
you choose to be ignored,
and forgotten.
When you finally choose to not settle for a life or person or situation that is anything but magical,
that's when the magic begins...