There's you, and him.
There's years of mixed emotions.
Passion, lust, love, anger.
Nights of no sleep,
Under the duvet.
Anywhere we could.
The devotion, the idolation.
The spiral out of control.
The downfall of an empire.
The screams, tears and heartache.
The most destitute feeling.
There's Him.
I wake up to sweet compliments.
I feel wanted,  
I feel like someone has patiently waited.
Waiting for the right time.
Just when I needed him.
Nothing is set in stone,
It's just so new.
Your arms for a very long time,
We're the only ones.
But they're gone now.
With him I feel safe.
And so afraid.
Of us ending,
Of a new us beginning.
Of me losing both.
I dont know whether to fight and stay,
Or be swept on a new happy journey,
Or more pain.
I am scared of letting go.
I an desperate to move on and forget
I'm desperate for a miracle.

I hate these times.
Sitting around a pile of boxes.
With all of the broken promises looming in the air.
Where, we believed we were invincible.
We believed that we were each others forever.
So long ago, and the haunting nights I sat alone.
Just waiting for it to come back to us.
Waiting for our light to come back to us.
But with blow after blow, you flew away.
And I lost a piece of me with every tear.
All those things that once were,
The life we had planned. Gone.
I am too hurt to face the truth, I'll never be the same.
I lost myself in your hatred towards me.
I gave myself away, so here is my shell.
And it's not a lot left.
Everything I was, sorry I lost it.
My spark faded out as the heartbreak took over.
Insecurities and fake emotions to cover the stabbing pain that never leaves.
I slept with someone,
Who said nice things and made me feel somewhat ok.
We both know though, that was only an escape from the endless taunting screaming in my head.
It's gone, what we had.
It's all gone, no matter what you say now.
I can't erase what you said and did to her.
I can't fill the emptiness.
Sitting here, staring at you, staring into the eyes
Of the most intense raw pain I have ever felt.
Is far too much.
Faking and lying to him is too.
I can't care about anyone.
Look at me, I'm running on fumes.
I had the zest for life,
The wanting to give affection bled out of me.
Every night I cried alone in bed.
I'd call, beg for you to love me.
If you were here, you would walk right by.
That, I'll never forget.
The first pain of knowing you could care about someone else, was shattering.
The pain that followed as piece by piece I lost my dignity trying to get it to be me you loved.
When you would walk by, look at me as just a nuisance, a pathetic worthless sub standard human.
That's what remains, the pain outweighs it all.
The pain of losing the thing I believed in the most.
I can't have you, and you poisoned most of me.
So here is what is left,
A broken woman who will never believe in anything again.
Hides her pain in something that grabs her attention for a minute.
And boxes, some kids clothes on the floor.
Broken picture frames, shattered dreams.
When I sit here you can smell the hatred you had for me.
The walls almost drip with my blood.
I still wake up when I can sleep, alone.
Waiting for more pain, or waiting for it to finish me off.
It shouldn't have ended, or maybe it should have never begun.

When my daughters are older,
On their own, making their own way.
I hope I have taught them well.
I hope I've shown them how to be strong.
I hope when they look back they know,
I never sacrificed my own happiness,
For someone to hurt and control my life.
I hope they realize that battling yourself,
Just isn't worth it, so love yourself.
I hope they know how beautiful they are.
I hope they walk up the mountain,
Step by step.
That there is an easier way,
But if they're losing themselves its just not worth it.
I hope they never wait by a phone for boy,
I hope they live their life,
Not just search for love to accept them.
I want them to be able to see a bad situation,
Stand tall and do what they have to do.
For them.
I hope the world never steals their beautiful smile.
That it never ever makes them feel worthless.
That it never breaks them so much they feel unlovable, undesirable.
My daughters, those girls who have the most beautiful spirits.
I do not want them to change who they are.
I hope they accept themselves as the masterpieces that they are.
That they never back down from what is right for what is easy.
That everyday they wake up proud of who they are, what they've done and where they're going.
If I break down, give up, let society win.
They will be broken before they step a foot out in the world.
If I can't be the person I wish them to be,
They will fail.
I want them to know,
That the tears will fall, the heart will break.
But they never, ever change who they are.
They learn that the hard times are lessons,
Tests of strength.
And they will survive them all with grace and dignity.
That there is no species in this world that is stronger than a woman with self love.
I choose to be what I want for my daughters.
I choose to be their safety net, their counselor and role model.
I will be the strongest, most beautiful woman in the world.
For them.
So when they stand alone,
Not sure which road to take.
The know how strong, how beautiful and intelligent they are.
They make their decisions proudly.
They know what is right for them.

It's more than just the feeling of hurt.
When you say that you are sorry,
You hurt my feelings.
The picture really isn't in focus for you.
That feeling that was hurt,
It was that unconditional love I could feel,
While I hated myself.
It was the confidence that someone
Saw the beauty in myself,
While I tore myself down.
It was the push to keep going,
Everytime I wanted to fall.
It was the ability to become something,
Because even though I didn't think so,
I had someone who did.
It was the person who had my back,
That turned away.
It was the silence,
While I learned just how little,
I meant,  our friendship.
It was the lack of effort for someone,
To prove your worth something.
It was finally finding out,
Already broken, shattered.
What alone truly felt like.
Watching all the pain I have been dealing with.
And knowingly add to it.
It's realizing that you have nothing,
Left to give, or take.
That words are just words,
That actions are so much more.
That no one has proven anything.
My feelings you hurt.
Was the last solid thing standing,
Crumbling.
I proved to myself to stand up,
By myself for once.
I looked at myself though,
And could still see why I would never be a first choice.
After all the years you watched my mind
Consume me, take away reality
With a self hatred that would make me sick.
It somewhat brought it all back up front.
If that one person who you trusted to be your eyes,
When your mind showed you a bent image of yourself.
When they  neglect to see your pain,
Choose to steer clear of it.
You realize that no one,
Will be there for you sometimes.
Will care for you forever,
Will put their pride away to do something about it.
Your feelings are so much more.
Your faith is broken,
Your trust is gone.
Your beliefs are wrong,
I am just another being fighting in this life alone.
It does so much more than hurt.
It breaks what you were.
You hurt my feelings?
You changed who I was.

I never knew this before.
But, there is a time in our life,
When we realize just how horrendous it is,
To be human.
We realize that , that one person
Who said they would never hurt you.
You believed it,
In fact you knew it.
And a first crack hits,
You see just how painstakingly selfish this place is.
You feel the crush in your chest and the years in your eyes.
At some point during all this,
There's the ones that are still there.
The ones that hold you up
Make you feel as if you are strong enough.
You again with your trust,
Have your guard down.
A best friend will not hurt you.
They turn away as well.
And, when that happens.
You realize that you will never again trust another humans feelings.
If the only people in the world.
That were thought to be your allies
Left you with huge scars.
Then the world is a much,
Much darker place than ever imagined.
That while these feelings of self hate,
And complete lack of confidence on your ability to be loved.
Respected, adored, honoured.
Thats when the thoughts come out,
All those feelings, they are what set you apart at times.
They are what sets you apart.
You look at yourself and you realize
Just how much you would have done.
What you never would have,
How you could never have thought or done
The pain that was given to you.
The world it seems is a much colder darker place
Than first assumed.
You have changed, you will never hold a relationship
With the same absolution ever again.
Spouses, family and friends,
Are not what you thought.
Good and bad,
This world will lift you up,
To pull you down.
To watch you fall.
Break and change.
When you get up and walk you'll smile again.
The world will be cold, dark
People will destroy you
But if anyone keep faith in yourself
When the world is heartless and cold,
Try to remember to feel your heartbeat,
And love the innocent souls you created
And hope they never ever feel like you do.
Hope the sun stays out
The dark clouds that encompass you,
Stay with you instead.

I'm trying here,
To keep my sanity.
Feel like a human being.
To feel beautiful,
When all I really feel is low.
Unwanted. Unloved.
I'm trying to smile instead of cry.
To make the most of a horrible situation.
Learn from it I guess.
I can't decide what to do.
I don't know where to go,
I don't want to look in the mirror.
I don't even know her anymore.
I let go,
Gave up really.
Still, lost.
Feeling alone and insane.
Feeling insecure and disliked
May just be the worst of this mess.