I Worry because
My reflection
Is a woman I find weak
Some say worry is a mental wobbling
The hesitation before making a choice

How can I let this happen
Watch
As my Worry lives my life without me

never would have thought your birthday could be this painful
years have passed me by and im still here
face turned back towards the past
some days it seems like looking back is the only way I can keep breathing
you existed and then you stopped
every day since has unfolded in slow motion
scared to move past what my mind replays
scared to move at all
heat escaped
from your arm to mine
and as the temperature of your body
steadily declined
so did the light in my mind

there are too many thoughts scattered in this brain
to make words flow like the milky way
feelings morphe into new galaxies
and i sit here in the midst of it all
wondering how my world is still held up by gravity
the sun as magnificent as ever
the moon so bright despite its surrounding darkness
the universe is happening right now
but so am i
so am i

There's a little fire that started just days ago
when my future unraveled from stone
choice morphed into a breathing body of possibility
its breath bringing me a smile I have never known
reflection invigorating me
instead of giving more confusion
I know who I am
the most beautiful words
I love her
always

Falling into your arms
Makes me feel stuck
It was just a dream

What is a dream
But fragments of our own reality?

It's true
I want to lose balance with you
I want my face held in your hands
Your body against mine
I want you

But what I need is me
A lifetime
My needs have spent being Ignored

Your love, salt to my wounds
Let me heal

I hate that you inspire me to write
Like I want to write for me

I want my love poems to be about my smile, the way my left front tooth is slightly more hidden than my right

Last night I ate chocolate before closing my eyes

Just to leave something sweet on my lips

Like a hug from a memory of love

Loneliness is an empty shell, my reflection is not this

I look in my mirror and I am mesmerized by the strength pouring from my eyes

Nothing can take me away

Not even the disaster you left for me to come home to

This broken heart of mine is set to auto correct your mistakes and mine

I'll put it on reset mode

In 3...2...1...

I had to reconsider my reality again

How many times do I have to get lost in your eyes

Lost in my thoughts of your body and mind

Your eyes were just mirrors though

This was the final break

Now I can heal

Alone

Do you really think that little of love?

Magic that ignites our very existence doesn't deserve to be left behind

It is everything

Just like you were to me

Sounds of a sea of humans
Anger and aimless rage
The highs and lows
The emotional rollercoaster of attachment
Of false victory
Of seeming control of circumstance
Winning in the game
And returning to life as it is

I always thought I was fighting for something-
And now I’m not so sure of anything anymore

6.9.21
I feel it everywhere all the time
Everything
And its like I can’t help but get overwhelmed
My behavior controlled by generations before

My finger a weapon
My body the target
When will I hurt less
When will the pain go away?

Hard times don’t last
But when they’re here they make up for every lost moment

Every moment I felt joy left lifeless
Every glimpse of light blown away

With just one glance,
One moment,
One story,

That’s the scary part
How quick, how easily, its all just blown away
Effortlessly into smoke,
Into oblivion

Like it never existed
Like I don’t exist anywhere but the pain
Like the pain is my new identity
Like I am exiled to spend the rest of my days inside of the ache

Nothing matters sometimes
When my body is my wallet
When the way I appear is who I am
I scrape every bit of confidence out of my mind
And I replace it all with shame

I do that sometimes
All the time
Forget who I really am

And then come back begging on my knees
Please take me back home
Please let me lay in your arms again
Ive had enough of the life I’ve been living
Ive had enough of the ache that takes hold
Drowns me while I’m still on the surface

In front of you
Watching you watch me drown
Watching you watch me
Drown

I can see clearly now
how loving all my pieces will set me free
how its been that way all along
how I'm capable of doing anything I want with this life

I don't really know what that thing is that I'm meant for

but I do know that I'm going to find it

she is magnificent, she is beautiful, she is enough
right now
she is a queen, deserving of her own love & attention
she's a runner, she loves SCI-FI, she loves cooking & reading
she is a good friend, nurturing herself and those around her
shes competitive, but in the sense that she has fun when playing
she takes care of herself, tracks her habits, and monitors behavior
she approaches blockages & sees them as they are
she protects her heart from invaders & limits the world
access to her heart is valuable
she dreams BIG
she does NOT settle

But I didn’t care that you didn’t want the rest of me
Because I didn’t either

1.18.22

When its all of this all at once
Holding it all in is not the answer

strength is not to bite my tongue
and erase an opinion that seeks to be expressed

I do not wish to be a nuisance to the world
But reality isn’t always beautiful
And that has to be ok right?

I mean, we can’t work towards our dreams
every. single. moment. right?

There’s of course distraction

And needing to belong to myself first
And needing to come home to myself,

and not looking for validation
Right?

And not judging others for needing that validation
And not trying to be perfect, or seemingly so

But also not spilling the oil, the tar
From my heart

The venom of being misunderstood

Not sharing that with those who do not see me fully
Whose presence in my house is strictly as visitor
I am able to escort them out when needed,
right?

But what to do when I forget I have the power to say no
What to do when I get so lost that my body feels numb

Each task, an impossible feat

What to do when I begin to break at the seams
What to do when I notice myself judging every single thing about others

I start to make stories about their imperfections trying to make myself feel better
What to do when this pattern ensues?

Accept life as it is sweet Gabrielle,
There is nothing to be done
It is not about surviving or getting through it
It is all there is
And this means that there will be pain
And it will hurt
And you will suffer
And that is truth
And that is reality
And reality is ok