1.18.22

When its all of this all at once
Holding it all in is not the answer

strength is not to bite my tongue
and erase an opinion that seeks to be expressed

I do not wish to be a nuisance to the world
But reality isn’t always beautiful
And that has to be ok right?

I mean, we can’t work towards our dreams
every. single. moment. right?

There’s of course distraction

And needing to belong to myself first
And needing to come home to myself,

and not looking for validation
Right?

And not judging others for needing that validation
And not trying to be perfect, or seemingly so

But also not spilling the oil, the tar
From my heart

The venom of being misunderstood

Not sharing that with those who do not see me fully
Whose presence in my house is strictly as visitor
I am able to escort them out when needed,
right?

But what to do when I forget I have the power to say no
What to do when I get so lost that my body feels numb

Each task, an impossible feat

What to do when I begin to break at the seams
What to do when I notice myself judging every single thing about others

I start to make stories about their imperfections trying to make myself feel better
What to do when this pattern ensues?

Accept life as it is sweet Gabrielle,
There is nothing to be done
It is not about surviving or getting through it
It is all there is
And this means that there will be pain
And it will hurt
And you will suffer
And that is truth
And that is reality
And reality is ok

Sounds of a sea of humans
Anger and aimless rage
The highs and lows
The emotional rollercoaster of attachment
Of false victory
Of seeming control of circumstance
Winning in the game
And returning to life as it is

I always thought I was fighting for something-
And now I’m not so sure of anything anymore

But I didn’t care that you didn’t want the rest of me
Because I didn’t either

6.9.21
I feel it everywhere all the time
Everything
And its like I can’t help but get overwhelmed
My behavior controlled by generations before

My finger a weapon
My body the target
When will I hurt less
When will the pain go away?

Hard times don’t last
But when they’re here they make up for every lost moment

Every moment I felt joy left lifeless
Every glimpse of light blown away

With just one glance,
One moment,
One story,

That’s the scary part
How quick, how easily, its all just blown away
Effortlessly into smoke,
Into oblivion

Like it never existed
Like I don’t exist anywhere but the pain
Like the pain is my new identity
Like I am exiled to spend the rest of my days inside of the ache

Nothing matters sometimes
When my body is my wallet
When the way I appear is who I am
I scrape every bit of confidence out of my mind
And I replace it all with shame

I do that sometimes
All the time
Forget who I really am

And then come back begging on my knees
Please take me back home
Please let me lay in your arms again
Ive had enough of the life I’ve been living
Ive had enough of the ache that takes hold
Drowns me while I’m still on the surface

In front of you
Watching you watch me drown
Watching you watch me
Drown

Its truly amazing how lost one can get
In the presence of others

she is magnificent, she is beautiful, she is enough
right now
she is a queen, deserving of her own love & attention
she's a runner, she loves SCI-FI, she loves cooking & reading
she is a good friend, nurturing herself and those around her
shes competitive, but in the sense that she has fun when playing
she takes care of herself, tracks her habits, and monitors behavior
she approaches blockages & sees them as they are
she protects her heart from invaders & limits the world
access to her heart is valuable
she dreams BIG
she does NOT settle

I can see clearly now
how loving all my pieces will set me free
how its been that way all along
how I'm capable of doing anything I want with this life

I don't really know what that thing is that I'm meant for

but I do know that I'm going to find it

Wow I've been gone

So distracted

Feels like the universe is just sending me distraction after distraction

Just not getting the lesson

Come on Gabby

Don't you see you're not pushing

You're not thriving and I'm watching you

I'm watching as you lose your sense of self

What sense do you think will last forever

It's like you took two steps forward after already knowing it's all going to fall in

Why are we here again

Crossroads of love

You just can't get enough of them

Falling into your arms
Makes me feel stuck
It was just a dream

What is a dream
But fragments of our own reality?

It's true
I want to lose balance with you
I want my face held in your hands
Your body against mine
I want you

But what I need is me
A lifetime
My needs have spent being Ignored

Your love, salt to my wounds
Let me heal

I hate that you inspire me to write
Like I want to write for me

I want my love poems to be about my smile, the way my left front tooth is slightly more hidden than my right

Last night I ate chocolate before closing my eyes

Just to leave something sweet on my lips

Like a hug from a memory of love

Loneliness is an empty shell, my reflection is not this

I look in my mirror and I am mesmerized by the strength pouring from my eyes

Nothing can take me away

Not even the disaster you left for me to come home to

This broken heart of mine is set to auto correct your mistakes and mine

I'll put it on reset mode

In 3...2...1...

Waiting for you is wasted breath

Your love a treasure never meant for me to find

Or maybe the treasure is just a myth not even you attempt to see

A faded riddle too hidden for eyes to meet

Do you really think that little of love?

Magic that ignites our very existence doesn't deserve to be left behind

It is everything

Just like you were to me

Fooled me twice
So I guess that's shame on me

Second laptop stolen from my own backseat

That is on me
so I can't even be mad

Instead I get to reminisce
When times didn't seem
This bad

"Mommy is a hero
she fights off bad guys with polka dots"

Working with children is rainbow and sunshine

when their light
meets mine

it's love

I had to reconsider my reality again

How many times do I have to get lost in your eyes

Lost in my thoughts of your body and mind

Your eyes were just mirrors though

This was the final break

Now I can heal

Alone

She comes only when she feels welcome
Beyond the doubts and fears that float at the surface of my mind
She says we can do and be anything
As long as we have each other
As long as this heart still has a beat

The world hasn't seen eyes like mine

But they will she reminds me
And the world will never be the same

I remember the day I knew I found the person I could die happy having loved

his gentle heart calling my rigid thoughts and showing them that life is beautiful

his eyes do lie but they could do no wrong to mine

I want you to take a good look at this pile of burning rubble
watch as it dwindles down to the last few pieces of fuel

watch as my life loses the light with which he shared
watch as my soul mourns the pieces of me that will die the day it ends

please watch
because I can't be the only person in the world to witness a love like this one

I told myself this love was my story
its strength was where I found mine

watch me
as
i
fall
apart

there are too many thoughts scattered in this brain
to make words flow like the milky way
feelings morphe into new galaxies
and i sit here in the midst of it all
wondering how my world is still held up by gravity
the sun as magnificent as ever
the moon so bright despite its surrounding darkness
the universe is happening right now
but so am i
so am i

Why is it so difficult to be seen
I crave the glimmer of understanding
The Ray of light
That is your eyes
When you say my name
Your voice a tender Melody of acceptance

Thank you for seeing me
I can only hope to meet more humans like you
In my lifetime

I want to write like Ellen Bass
morphe every word into a memory
your heart feeling mine
the painful past confined
to beautifully written lines
of poetry
to be read, and forgotten,
by us both

I Worry because
My reflection
Is a woman I find weak
Some say worry is a mental wobbling
The hesitation before making a choice

How can I let this happen
Watch
As my Worry lives my life without me

my heart is full this new years eve
aware
at any moment
my heart can be ripped to pieces
this ticking bomb
no longer looms in my shadow
time
has stolen pieces of my soul
left me bare
to question my own identity
despite the cruel nature of the clock
I accept and thank you
for your ruthless love

It is love that moves time forward

I am damaged
Self-inflicted wounds
And right now, that is all I ever will be
There is no point in pretending I'm not broken

There's a little fire that started just days ago
when my future unraveled from stone
choice morphed into a breathing body of possibility
its breath bringing me a smile I have never known
reflection invigorating me
instead of giving more confusion
I know who I am
the most beautiful words
I love her
always

never would have thought your birthday could be this painful
years have passed me by and im still here
face turned back towards the past
some days it seems like looking back is the only way I can keep breathing
you existed and then you stopped
every day since has unfolded in slow motion
scared to move past what my mind replays
scared to move at all
heat escaped
from your arm to mine
and as the temperature of your body
steadily declined
so did the light in my mind

I keep falling behind
then forgetting to catch up

my heart overflowing
blood so cold
makes my skin
match the temperature of yours

mind is frozen
body numb
life moves on
can I stay here?

why do we merge
time with movement
and claim that life is our own

life is
too cruel and beautiful
to be owned