what happens
when your hours of sobriety
vanish ever so slowly
from
ten to six to five to two?
what happens
when you realize this drama
you keep complaining of
has nothing to do with anyone else
and everything to do with you?
what happens when I reach the age
that you were when you
gave birth to me?
will you finally cry
tears of unselfishness,
will you curl up in my arms
and ask me to sing you a lullaby
that sums up what I've learned
about womanhood?
will you feel how it feels
to have lived so long
without comfort or courage
to stay standing strong?
what happens when I can't decide
which side of you I want to be around
when I choose to stop choosing
when I feel without losing
when you love without using
up all the good parts
of me?

but I don't want you only
in the daytime
I want you all the time
maybe because I'm greedy
maybe because I'm needy
or maybe because it is one of the most
natural wants in the world.

you want a peer to get drunk with
not a daughter to fall in love with

my heart keeps
weakening
over all of this.

It's time, to say goodbye,
It's time to prepare my will.
It's time to buy my plot.
It's time to move on.
Nothing here will care or will notice.
I quietly leave, with no regret.

I just woke up,
Actually
I never fell asleep.
My nightmares kept me awake
Of things that seem to deep.

I was cutting off my skin,
Slitting off the pain.
I was jumping from a building,
Hoping to feel sane.

I was throwing up my dinner,
Heaving felt like fires.
I was bleeding in the bathroom floor,
Blood pouring out all of my desires.

I was running away,
A man was chasing me.
He pinned me down,
Took of my pants,
And started thrusting.

I'll never understand my dreams,
Only what they mean so,
I'm certainly not scared of dying,
But only of the way that it would go.

I would want to live a long life,
Die of old age, or as a martyr.
Not from ****,
Cutting till death,
Of anything of that sort.
I want to die,
Because I've lived
To much.
I want to be worthy,
Of eternal living.

Because one life isn't enough.