Delilah

Delilah Feb 2020

I wonder to what my former self did in a previous life to have the **** cards dealt to me in this life
Was I a bad person or did I just try my best and my best wasn’t anything worth having a good life when I passed on
Was I a terrible parent or did I have the best family in the whole world and now is just my turn to experience the other side
Did I exclude people and made them feel lonely when I could include them in life
Did I leave a lover with just a phone call
Maybe I had terrible friends so now I have wonderful friends that really take care of me now

Delilah Feb 2020

The first time you talk to your ex-future-mother-in-law

disclaimer* my ex future mother in law is and was an absolute angel in my life – she is on this earth to help and guide people and I will forever be grateful that our paths crossed when they did*
The first time you see your ex future mother in law you will want to cry
You may want a hug and a tearful reunion and to let them know how your really doing
But
You cant do that
That’s not okay because that’s the mother of your former love
They came from them and if you were close to their mother they are closer to their mother
The mother will not be on your side no matter what
She will say that she will always be there for you still but you know that’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed and you wont dare to rock the boat because you still have a secret hope that your life will suddenly come back together and all will be as it was so you don’t rock the boat
You have minute conversations and short hugs when she comes into your work
And likes on each other’s facebook page lets both of you know that the other in on their mind
So when you see your ex future mother in law future give a warm greeting and a smile and try to look beyond their eyes when you tell them that you are really doing okay even though you are still so broken from their child did

Delilah Nov 2019

Do you?

Do you miss me? Do you think of me on the day that were once special to us? Will you miss me this holiday?

I do miss you. I do think about you a lot. I will miss you this holiday.

I'm recovering, but I still think about you.

Delilah Nov 2019

A New Heart in the Making

At first, your heart is soft and round
it lets anything in because it does not know a heartache
when it lets that person in it grows bigger and bigger for all the new things you do together

but

that very first person will take scissors to the soft, round, lovable heart and cut into tiny, little shreds (not meaning to)

slowly day by day you look and find those tiny, little shreds and sow them back together

but

this time you are building your armor for your heart. you know it can not take another break like the first so you build this armor strong and hard because you have sat down at 2 in the morning wishing someone would take your heart out of you chest so you would not feel anything anymore

Delilah Oct 2019

I Should have kissed you

It's been three years since I didn't kiss you in the Edison's parking lot
I wanted to but I didn't know that you wanted me as much as I wanted you

Now I'm sitting here at 11:30 p.m. wondering if any of that was real to you
the feelings you poured out on a paper and in person
did they mean anything or did you just say them to make yourself believe that you could love someone more than yourself

That was mean to say and it hurt to write but that's how it feels

Three years ago I was smiling hard because I was falling for this amazing person who not only liked me but had a look of promise in her eyes
I saw forever, a family, a life for us two and maybe when the time was right a third but tonight I'm not sure what I see

Or where I'll be if you ever come around to the promises you made
I can't live my life waiting on you
You're everything I need but time has changed you so much that all my efforts lack the appeal of you
My whole world flipped upside down by a young carefree princess who I believed and loved so deeply that it literally feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body and thrown away
It feel like my life was a lie and I'm sitting wondering if I will EVER be able to believe someone if tell me the same wonderful things you always said

I get change, change is great but I feel like one day you just flipped a switch and I was nothing to you

The memories of a full of love, happy you and I keep racing in my mind and I guess that proves the point of smile because it happened, don't cry because it's over

I wonder, if maybe I would have kissed you that night if you would still be mine tonight

Delilah Mar 2019

Overwhelmed

I cannot change how people feel
I can only feel what I feel
Anger makes an appearance when I want to change people but I know it doesn’t work
It never does

Take a deep breath
Count to ten
Call it a day and play pretend
Pretend that it never happens the way it does but only how you imagine it was

Fake the smile
Play the part
And shine the way you do
Never looking back to what you were but always looking forward to who you want to be

Overwhelmed now
Calm and collected soon
The tears will fall but you were always taught to build the boat for your own way out
And there you will sail the seven seas and be always who you wanted to be

Then you will realize that who you want to be is actually and always was
Who you are

Have pride and be proud
For you did it all on your own

Delilah Jul 2018

Nights alone

The dark room pulls my thoughts out.
The angry, sad, and hurt thoughts.
Why can’t I live a normal life?
Why can’t I accept that I’m alway second best?
I will never be a number one.
I’m not good enough.
And people make me see that.
Quitting looks so **** easy,
But that would be me becoming like everyone else.
Quitting equals death and living equals harder work than anyone.
I wish my someone would see that I’m hurting but they just don’t know how to handle it.
And can I blame them?
I don’t even know how to handle it.