The dark room pulls my thoughts out.
The angry, sad, and hurt thoughts.
Why can’t I live a normal life?
Why can’t I accept that I’m alway second best?
I will never be a number one.
I’m not good enough.
And people make me see that.
Quitting looks so **** easy,
But that would be me becoming like everyone else.
Quitting equals death and living equals harder work than anyone.
I wish my someone would see that I’m hurting but they just don’t know how to handle it.
And can I blame them?
I don’t even know how to handle it.

I'm breaking down
Slowly but constantly  
I feel like the world is slowly catching up
To my big talk
"I'm never going to be like them" I would say
But I'm slowly starting to believe that's a lie
It feels like I'm losing my confidence day after day and I really don't know where it's going
I've always had it, it's been my best friend through everything
But why at a time I need it most does it seem to escape
I'm scared because I don't know how things are going to turn out
I want to go back to my old ways but I know I can't
That would just prove I'm worthless even more
Something  in my head is telling me that I'm worthless and I'm starting to believe it
She tells me I'm not and that I'm worth a million stars in every plant but she doesn't know what this life is like
I'm glad she doesn't but sometimes I wish she did so she could understand more
She's my rainbow on rainy days and my light
I just want to be alone, away from everything with her just for a little bit
I want pure happiness all the time
When I see her that's what I see
She helps me forget and forgive
She's seen me cry and laugh and both at the same time
She's always dries my tears
And holds me tight
And talking about her just made me forget what I was really writing about
And that's love

" Houston, we've hit bottom" is what I constantly think on nights like tonight. I honestly thought I was far from bottom, that somehow there was a fog that made an inch seem like a mile. I have so many thoughts about so many things, things that are not good. Things that make me feel like I'm the bad one. I'm the reason why I barely have anyone. But then I remember I am. I was the one who realized that these people were ****** more than anything. I pulled a Trump and built a wall around the things that I couldn't bear to deal with. 18 wasn't supposed to be like this, I was supposed to have my  huge family crying over me leaving but really there are only a few. The few people that count.

Growing up in catholic school I was told that this was a sin
But I always questioned "how could loving someone be a sin"
This sin feels so good
And "how could a sin feel so good"
I later realized that I didn't have to believe in everything the church says but sometime these questions still keep me up at night.
I wonder why we teach kids that the most purest thing in the world can be wrong in the eyes of some.