December 28th,2023
21:53 pm
The year is about to end in just a few days and I am getting flashbacks of everything that happened this year. This year was more like a reality check for me that where do I actually stand among everyone. I do know that I'm not even 1 percent close to have a decent life ahead but I'll try to make a change in my life in every possible way. This year literally made me feel so worst about myself but that was necessary. After feeling so many emotions throughout the year I'm at peace in the end of this rollercoaster year. Life is so much more than what I thought.  Felt guilty for making people disappointed and thus I regretted each and every day for existing. I wanted to quit everything and just had no hope . What's the point in living is the only thought that came across my mind...
I wasted so many days, months just doing things that did no change in my life and my thoughts. I just don't wanna recall those 4-5 months because I'm moving forward with no memories of this year . Yea I def learnt a ton of things but  I wannsa learn more from the coming year...
I hope 2024 will be different from 2023 . I'll do more stufff and continue to be actually happy by my own.
Rishita~

In virtue's light the vice shadow exists.
The paradox within that the heart can't resist.

In the life's maze ,
As we wander and roam,
either we follow the light's trace
or reach the dark home.

In the shadows, where the vice resides
With a positive spell that virtue provides.

What's shown outside
is declined somewhere within
With a mask of smile beside
Disappears the true colour of skin

find the right path to get out of the labyrinth of the world
cuz your desires will make you stay as it will only show the brighter world.
but what if the world gets even more darker at the brighter part...

I wasn't only just trying to find myself in the void
But I wanted to be seen ...
I wanted attention so badly that I forgot to be normal...

Now we meet only in dreams,
don't know when I will get a chance to see you again.
Will it be in the future or in some other life we'll meet again?

So everything that I wished for , happened in some other universe and
maybe the ' other me ' wanted all of this that's happening with me now...

My whole world revolves around non-genuine but realistic things.

And once our problem becomes unsolvable ,
we must forget about that problem and move ahead towards the solutions of many more.

And it's always okay to let go of things, people and feelings , if they try to overpower you .

Eventually in the end ,the end will always be peaceful and like the way you always wanted.

The one who's trying to fit in with everyone
Why it's always me?

Why do I still think maybe the reason I never confessed my feelings
is the same reason he might have stopped himself too..

May 5th,2023
Friday
7:01 p.m.

A month has just passed and the other is on its way but what I've been doing after my exams ended . I feel like I'm absolutely lost and don't know where do I belong. And it's not alright because I've been doing nothing for a month. Maybe I should've been more careful about my future during my highschool but I don't wanna sit and regret about it now. It feels like everything is happening so fast and I'm just stuck at some point and watching everything. Everyone seems so busy and I know it's good that they know what they want unlike me who's just watching , scrolling the  screen and over-analysing things.
I know I should study but I am not able to focus. I'm not ready to face anyone. I know people have expectations from me and I'll feel so guilty to disappoint them.

scrolling through my phone
watching their lives
regretting
thinking I'll do something better
overthinking
again scrolling through my phone
                                     -Rishita

this void is killing me
and i wanna join the crowd too
but i don't know why
i find peace in this emptiness...

Will you still hold me close if I tried to escape everything?
Or letting go will lead you to a more beautiful destination.

I wanna go back in the past over and over again.
all those memories of childhood, I wanna feel again.
all my family members together in one frame ,
chilling at home and nothing to attain.
only if I could go back in the past again...
once again living with my family ,
once again relying on them ,
once again celebrating together  ,
physically, mentally I want to be with them again .
all those memories of childhood I wanna feel again.
only if I could go back in the past again...
once again going to school,
once again sharing the same roof,
once again sitting on same bench,
with all my friends I wanna live again.
all those memories of childhood I wanna feel again.
only if I could go back in the past again...

i looked at him and smiled ,
he looked at her and smiled.
it was fine for a while
but then she went too far
and no confessions left a sore scar.
atleast i can see him but he doesn't smile anymore,
they would be such a good couple only if he confessed before.
someone can be so much in love, like how??
he'll wait for her ,i know somehow...
but still I can't let go as my heart won't allow.

Do I even have a soul?
Or is it just flesh and bones.
A human good for nothing ,
a human lost in scrolls.

While everyone thrive,  I wonder why?
Their confidence mocks my doubts inside.
All those smiles feel like a lie.
The more I search for answers, the more I hide.

One fourth  may have ended but the total time is unknown,
And throughout , that never-ending grind will be like a race.
Getting lost in the life's map with no paths shown,
And my world crashing apart with the slowest pace.

Can't I Reset this or let this version be fade?
Erase all glitches and start a new , unafraid.

Drifting far away from me
My paper boats~
Holding all those secrets for so long,
I tore every page 📄 making the paper boats.

Every boat filled with Our Memories .
Each boat as a vessel of our past.
It too wanted to be free from the diary of memories that wouldn't last.

All those firsts that I can't forget
But wanting them to vanish from my sight.
Those boats carrying yours whispers,
Saying goodbye and gets lost in the light.

All those memories are sailing away.
Fading like sunsets at the end of day.
Drifting far away from me
My paper boats~

A word that we want to happen in our lives.
Desire for perfection to feel the pride.

But the way you are makes who you are,
cuz with perfection one's true self is far.

She was fluent with the lies
having lament in her eyes.              
Her silence was like a burden
to hide all those cries.
Smiles she's scared of ,
the smiles of disguise .
Even in solitude,
the shadows of uncertainty arise.
The more she perceived,
the opened doors hide .
All that's left are closed ones
where agony resides.
With the anxious sighs,
she learns to compromise.
Her fragile eyes
with the tears she can't divide.

The PERFECTION I wanted
Were in my FEATHERs.
I asked the MIRROR , who I see here?
Wanted to GO BACK IN THE PAST  with all those ARCS.
With HIM , I also wanted to disappear .
Those PAPER BOATS took away her INNER MONOLOGUE.
That INSIGNIFICANT one asked WAS IT FUN?
The ARCS CLOSED now and the UNTITLED becomes RAYS .
Remember everything, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.

I never said it
And so did he...
Maybe he's somewhere, thinking about me.
And all the last moments with him
seems like a lie.
It's been an year and still I can't deny.
Deny the fact that I  can't see myself
with someone new.
But wait, we never dated so why?
Maybe everything I've felt,you felt that too.
But this 'maybe' makes me feel so blue.
Why do I hope that you smile when u think of me?
Just like the way I do crazily.
But I never said it ,
And never let my feelings rain .
Maybe next time until we meet again...

the last page was missing in the book I was reading,
that torn page was completely blank with just one sentence

"You found me to change the story".

Gazing the stars at night,
he recalls everything.
"I did so much just to see this sight.
What am I seeking? ", he asked himself.
"With all those hectic days and hopeless nights,
I've come this far . "
"What memories? They only gave me scar."
"Where it's leading me?", he asked himself .
For all my dreams,I gotta work hard
But in those hard works , where's the happy card...
Was it necessary for all the things to be done?
Living like this, was it fun???