Tomorrow you'll be 18
I won't have seen you in 9 years
You were my best friend when I still liked Barbie - and now I'm afraid you're a stranger
I was 7
You were 9
He was 11
And we were ******* Jedis
Monkeys on the monkey bars in your backyard
Frozen yogurt
And your fat little pug
Zoo Tycoon and Lego
I was 7
You were 9
And he was 11
My best friends
My brothers
And then you moved away

2378 ******* miles

And now I'm 16
You're 18
And he's 20

Come home soon buddy

Winter is cold
With it's flakes and it's ices
Special driving devices
Tire chains and defrost
Good lord what was the cost?
With it's quiet and slipping
Then it's melting and dripping
Flaky tendrils of snow
Good lord what do we know?
How it lays in my hair
Watching you everywhere
Nevermind what I say
Watch the snow float away
Watch the frost in the trees
No more birds, no more bees
See the frost in the grass?
See the way the cars pass
Stroke my cheek with your hand
Christmas supply and demand
Kiss my lips while you smile
Every once in a while
Winter is cold
but I'm warm

I'm tired of worrying about hurting your feelings.
You're tough - you can handle some honestly.
This -this offness that happens between us - is called codependency. It's when one of us becomes unhappy, and the other person can't stay happy because of it. Or when one person gets slightly disappointed or upset by something and let's it dig then into a hole they either can't or don't want to get out of, and then they take it out on their counterpart in various ways.
Ignoring them, not speaking, not interacting, withholding answers, withholding physical contact, refusing to provide the attention, affection or love the other person requires. It's selfishness.

You and I are both guilty of it. But recently it feels like you struggle the most. I'll mention something like family dinners will be moved to Sunday's for a while, which somewhat conflicts with the days we spend together - and you'll be disappointed that we don't get as much time together as you want.
I'll still be spending the whole day with you, I say, a fraction of it will just be at my house, with my family.
You'll say yes, family time is important, but I just want those days to be for us two.
Well guess what, when we're spending those days together, it's with YOUR family. I think your real problem is with my family. Even though you'll still be getting just as much time with me, which I'd think you'd be happy about, you're upset that it's not under your conditions. And you let it bother you and bother you until you refuse to acknowledge me.

This happens too often. It hurts me, badly and it hurts you, and it hurts us. When you're in a better mood, you and I can talk about it and you'll promise to try harder to be happy, promise to tell me what's wrong when I ask, and you never do. You don't seem to even try. I know it's not impossible to make yourself happy - I do it everyday. I do it for you, because I want you to be happy. But you seem to forget.

I don't want this to hurt us anymore. We shouldn't be feeling this way so often. I need you to be honest with me about how you feel, I need you to be willing to discuss it with me, I need you to try, please. I love you so much and I am choosing you, right now, I'm choosing this - and I'm choosing to finally be honest about what I'm feeling.
I need you back, I need your normal self.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. It feels like you're a different person when we have days like this. I know we can make it better, but I need you to try, for me. Please.

mnyamata
I saw Big Hero 6 with you tonight.
I love going to children's movies. They're always funny and I always love hearing the little laughing voices.
I love hearing you laugh too.
And that short movie before, the one about the dog, when the couple gets married at the end, you know I thought about you.

I had that feeling in my stomach like I'm going to explode or melt like magma, the feeling I always get when I really understand what it would mean to marry you. It's a terrifying high like nothing I've ever experienced. It's an intense kind of beauty that only God could design.

I guess that's what love feels like. At it's most potent. And maybe you believe that things like romantic movies and weddings give me a high that I ride for days in a sort of idealistic stupor, but the truth is, moments like those and like this, just reveal what I always feel about you. They remind me of what love really is.

It feels like you'll explode or melt into magma and all you can do is stare in fear and wonder at the face of your forever and try to keep yourself from kissing him because you're in a movie theater full of children, so you just lay your head on his shoulder and dam up the tears behind your eyes because you cry too much anyway, especially when you're happy, and you have a lot of happy crying to save up for in the future.


The little girl behind us made me think of Keasbey. Her unintentionally loud voice, with the little slur that all toddlers have.
She has so many questions. I can't wait to answer them.
I can't wait to hear you answer them. You'll tell her about wind harvesters and sky farms and the patriarchy and you'll always tell her how beautiful she is and that she's never allowed to fall in love because you don't want your little girl to melt like magma.

And she'll have your warm cheeks and our curly hair. And she will be so beautiful. And she will laugh so much. And she will smile. And you and I will explode.
Or maybe melt like magma.

ndimakukonda
(the both of you)

Silver veins in the silver city
Running like blood through the fainting grass
The cold pierces the flesh into the bone like a needle -
Delivering medicine promised to save but more likely to sicken

I miss red
I miss dirt
Getting tired
Getting hurt
I miss children
I miss their songs
Plans changing
Going wrong
I miss the milky way
And the birds
The brand new voices
The brand new words
I miss the heat
I miss the taste
But I'll never miss it here
I'll never miss the waste

I stare at the swirling well of my fingerprint and spiral down inside of it until I'm as black as night and engulfed in the silence of space and ink where I can scream and sob and sing and ignore the tumult of ignorance and fear and bitterness that surrounds me otherwise; thick and viscous, pouring down my throat and choking me.

Even as the ******* fish
Dressed in shining scales and
A big white eye swims across
The sky, I can only see her:
The Curls of her ebony hair
Twirl in ebbs and eddies,
Up up and up to drift
Down in bouncy springs;
Each strand lazily lofts around
Like deep Autumn leaves
Fluttering around, springing
Up and unwinding down to lick
And kiss at her neck like I do.

A momentary glimpse
Of the cream that you bare --
The smoothly curved
Marble

Deliberately created
With breathing pores;
Hues of pink like dramatic
Shadows;

Moving with natural
Fluidity like the silent
Planets that drift in the depths of
Space;

That demands reverence
And study like none other --
Is enough to burst the
Heart.

Evil has left it's seed
I beat myself until I bleed
You still let me cry on your shoulder
Something inside you still tells you to
Hold her
Standing out in the cold
Feeling a thousand years old
Still feeling a lot like a child
I'm out of control -
I'm feeling wild
Evil has left it's seed
I beat myself until I bleed