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You talk
around me
and about
me like
a roundabout;
an obstacle.

You dismiss
all I
say as
smart person
talk when
I am
stupid but
you are
cretinous.

You walk
in a
line of three
until you
unfortunately remember
me and
sigh grumble
and contort
into two
lines of
two.

I hope
you are
happy when
I die
so I
don't have
to pretend
I had
any friends.

I know
you will
not cry
when I
die.
You will
only cry
at the
mess I've
made with
my bloodstains.
I miss you.
So bad.
Too bad.

I miss you.
Just to talk to.
Hang out with.

I miss you.
Like a brother.
Only kisses on the cheek.

I miss you.
So bad.
I want my best friend.

Please.
Just talk to me.
I want you back.
My dearest friend.
Unfortunately exes rarely consider themselves friends after it all.
She screams. Again.
Her mother runs from the problem.

And I deal with her.
Because that's what I do.

22. Nothing to do.
She cleans the sick.

And once again goes to play
Her games. Video games. Mind games.

I adore me niece.
5 weeks. I could eat her up.

But her mother?
I could ****.

Strangle her with my bare hands.
Get a knife to her throat.

And soon I will.
I will **** my own sister if I have to.

To save not only her daughter
But the family.
A street, ruined by Council workers
Never to be repaired.
A church, the dominion and focal point
Where only Satanists laid claim.
Two shops, one sold rancid
The other, overpriced.

Five hundred people, bored and doomed
Loyalists, who took pride in their version
Of Pandemonium, of Lucifer's funhouse
Of this cesspool of glorified
Rubble, this wasteland
Where only those who had given up,
Or that knew they would die
Slowly and agonisingly should, or could survive.

One castle, where brave Normans
Would frown and disown such a place,
And leave, rather than stay in such a disgrace.

To this place and it's inmate's I say
"you are nothing if not ordinary".
You don't like me.
You like the idea of me.
You like the idea
That someone who is
Suicidally depressed
Can make you
Extraordinarily happy.

You like the idea
That my deep
Cynicism and scepticism
Can fuel your
Overjoyed optimism.

You like the idea
That I'm  the
Wonderful, beautiful
Intelligent, nerdy girl
You thought I was.

I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am not an idea.

Ideas are dangerous
Exciting, giggly.
They fill the idealist
With roaring delight.
Such a fantasy
Couldn't be real but in
The mind of a
Surrealist, Idealist
Socialist, Capitalist  
Fascist.

I am not an idea.
Ideas are fun.
I am not an idea.
Ideas get things done.
I am not an idea.
Ideas are good.
Ideas aren't real.

I am real.
I wish I was only
Your idea of me.
I wish I wasn't real.
Written 14th May.
Sweet sixteen.
The summer of '14.
I should be happy, should I?
Who told you that, some guy?

I imagined a Charlie life.
A good life.
I imagined The Great Perhaps
And so I was told.

But yet again it was awful.
And I was surprised.
I hate my birthday.
No one seemed to care.

No HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Great. Like I care.
I knew it.
I should have seen it.
You were strange for weeks.
That date at the end of May?
You realised then.
You realised then.

You felt it in Rome too.
I know you did.
You knew it then.
I should have known.
I'm so stupid.
I should have known.
I should have known.

Before my birthday.
Such a convenience.
Up on the weekend.
I miss you now.
Not like that.
I realised I didn't like you.
The day after.

But it still hurts to see you.
I want to be friends.
I want the old days.
The fun days.
Shouting at the rugby match.
Laughing at south park.
I miss my best friend.

I don't miss my boyfriend.
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